Need help - On Christmas, do you go anywhere?

[EthansMom]

I am not giving DD a bunch of stuff and then loading her in the car to go to grandma's and spend the day.....but am I being unfair?

Do you stay home for Christmas Day or go to see family? Should I just say "Mom, we are staying here and you are more than welcome to come visit and eat."?

Just wondering what others do for holidays.............I guess the holidays bring out all the dysfunction that a family has to offer!

We always try to spend Christmas Day at our home, preferably with no one else visiting us... just our immediate family hanging out in our loungewear, playing with our new toys, noshing on food....

I do not feel like traveling OR entertaining on Christmas Day. Flame me, if you wish, but why should Christmas be turned into a day of work for me?

We don't travel to visit distant family at the holidays... too expensive, too crowded, and weather is always iffy. They understand.

Also, there are plenty of other days that are near Christmas Day (Christmas Eve, the weekend before Christmas, the weekend after Christmas) when we are available to visit with family members who live near to us.

With one or two aggravating exceptions, this has mostly gone over well.

ETA: Christmas this year is on a Friday. If your work schedules allow, I'd tell Mom that you don't want to take the kids away from their toys to spend all day travelling, but would be happy to visit on Saturday or Sunday.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

We stay home. We always said that once we had kids we would not go anywhere and we don't. We will have anyone over who wants to come but we will not go anywhere.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Considering your brother died so recently and your mother is feeling up to doing Christmas at her house, I would suck it up and go. I can't even imagine the pain a parent would feel with the loss of a child. The fact that she wants to celebrate at all is amazing. You'll have many more Christmases to celebrate the way you want to.

I know I am of no help. Sorry.

To be fair although it is not the same, the OP lost a brother also.

 

[monkeybug]

We go up to New York every Christmas Eve and stay a few days. My whole family is in NY. My kids have never had Christmas morning at our house. What we do is have an "early christmas" here in Maryland usually either the weekend before or on the day we head up to NY. So it's like having two Christmas mornings - one here and one in NY. I think it's whatever works. My DH's family is here in Maryland and we do a "Christmas" with them sometime in December.

This is what we do to. (well not the New York part, but we do live in Maryland!)
On years when it is my family's year we rent a cabin (usually the week before or after Christmas) and we do our Christmas there. On years when it's my husbands families turn we usually do our version of Christmas (theirs and ours are quite different) a little early or a little late (or ours on Christmas and a visit to them on another weekend). It seems Santa has some wiggle room in his schedule and can do early/late deliveries. Maybe that even helps him get the rest of the toys out on Christmas? Kinda' lightens his load a bit?
My husband is in the Military so there are lot's of years that Christmas isn't exactly on Christmas (once it was in Feb.)
My side of the family is very flexible so when we move back to the West Coast they will plan our cabin week so that every other year we can go to my husbands family on Christmas and not miss the cabin. My husbands family celebrates Christmas ON Christmas (for about 30 minutes ) no exceptions, which is fine and understandable, but we aren't so picky. I feel like we get the best of both worlds. Happy extended family& our happy little family!

 

[EthansMom]

You are absolutely correct, I know. But my mother lays on the guilt so heavy and she always has. I know exactly what she will say........"I only have one child left and one grandchild and you cant even come to my house....this could be my last Christmas, you never know, and then how would you feel??"

She just doesnt get how I am so family oriented, I guess since she never was that way.

I'm going to second the poster who said he/she doesn't respond well to guilt. I don't like manipulative guilt like this... it actually riles me into being more entrenched.

Decide what is best for you and your family. It sounds like you think that would be staying at home on Christmas Day and having your mother visit you.

Have rational reasons for your decision. Stand by those reasons.

Offer some compromise.

Be open to change if a compelling argument is made. Otherwise, stick by your position.

In your shoes, I'd let Mom know in a conversation or email very soon what your plans are. Be pleasant. Here's how that conversation might go:

You: "Mom, I'm not sure what your plans are but we'd love to have you and Dad join us for Christmas again this year."

Mom: "Oh, no! I want all of you to come to my house on Christmas!"

You: "I'm sorry, but since DD is only young once, DH and I think it's important to let her wake up at home, open her presents, and enjoy playing with them all day long. We really prefer not to travel on Christmas Day."

Mom: "But this is my only chance to see you. And I have so much planned for the day."

You: "Well, we'd be happy to visit another day. We're free the day after Christmas which is a Saturday... or let us know another day that's good for you!"

See, you're pleasant... you state your case reasonably... you offer reasonable alternatives... She might still lay on the guilt, but there isn't any good reason for her to do so since you're being very accomodating.

I hope this helps!

 

[Pixiedust34]

We made a general announcement -to both sides when our oldest was born.
That we would NOT travel on Christmas Day.
We will travel the weekends before and after and grandparents were welcome to come here.
It worked out fine for us. There may have been some hurt feelings -but if there were -they kept it quiet.
The key is to stick to it -not vary from year to year.

Having a Christmas celebration a week or so after Christmas is a lot of fun- it gives you a little something to look forward to.

Our family is all out-of-state and before we had kids we used to travel to see them over the holidays and stay for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and a few days after Christmas.

Once we had kids, we did the same thing you did. We said that we were staying home for Christmas itself, but if they wanted to travel overnight to see us then that was fine. Otherwise, we'd visit in Dec. for a weekend that isn't Christmas Day itself. Sometimes my parents will visit us for Christmas but sometimes we do the weekend away to see them sometime in Dec.

This year my parents are visiting us the weekend before Christmas which works out fine for everyone and that'll be our Family Christmas Celebration. My ILs are deceased, just so you know we're not ignoring them. We will see our adult siblings the next time we travel to visit them, which will probably be in the summer.

OP, invite your mother to your place on Christmas Day if you want to spend the day at home. Offer to visit her another day during December to see her tree and enjoy a meal together.

 

[C.Ann]

Once we had children, we never left the house on Christmas day again.. To me it's just cruel to rush the kids through opening their gifts, let them see all these fun toys, and then drag them out the door.. Others were welcome to come to our house, but "we" didn't go anywhere.. When our kids grew up and left home, we would either go to one of the relatives houses (parents; kids; etc.) on Christmas Day - or host Christmas at our house on a different day..

DD and her DH put the same policy in place when they had my DGD.. They don't leave the house on Christmas day.. DD's IL's live very close by, so they're actually here in the morning when the gifts are being open.. The next day or so, DD, her DH, and my DGD will go to DD's IL's to have "Christmas" there..

I know that doesn't always work if your family is living thousands of miles away, but when they are all within reasonable distance, I can't really think of a "good" reason to drag the kids out of their own home on Christmas..

Of course that's just my opinion..

 

[krcit]

We d Christmas Eve with the in-laws, sometimes it is here-this year it is at my SIL's who lives 20 minutes away. Christmas day is with my family at my Mom's. My mom is disabled and can't get around very well s it is easier to all go there. She lives 5 minutes from me. We get up on christmas Day, open gifts, DH makes a special breakfast, the kids play with their new toys and at about 2 we head over to Moms. Everyone is happy

 

[disykat]

We don't pack the kids up and travel for Christmas since we prefer Christmas at our home and services at our own church (we sing, play instruments etc.) We pack everyone up and travel AFTER Christmas. We don't work between Christmas and New Years and the kids don't have school so this works well for us.

That said, I would be willing to drive for an hour for dinner. If she is willing to plan it in the late afternoon, you could be home doing a family Christmas morning until 2 or so and be back sleeping in your own beds that night. Since she's local (one hour away seems local to me) there wouldn't be a lot of packing up or extended period away so it seems easily doable to me.

 

[tzolkin]

In our family Christmas Eve has always been the bigger celebration. We have food throughout the evening (Italian Million Fishes ), go to church, and exchange gifts. Despite all this my mother has always felt the need to have a huge "traditional" Christmas dinner as well. We live close by, so we stay in our pajamas and the kids open their presents and play, and then we go over to my parents around 4:00 for dinner.

This year I just really don't want to. I talked to my parents and siblings and we all agreed that we should do Christmas Eve as usual and then have an early dinner together the day AFTER Christmas. That way everyone stays home and relaxes with their kids for a whole day, but we'll still do all the same things we usually do for the holiday. We also told my parents (and grandparents who live with them) that they are welcome to "make the rounds" and stop by each family's home to see the grandchildren on Christmas day. We're just not getting dressed, cooking, or leaving the house.

 

[kellydizfan]

Well my oldest DD will be 16 on Christmas Eve. We spend it with family (my parents home) and try to go to Church at 7:30 p.m. then come back and have Birthday cake at my Parents. We go home, my DH heads back out to my parents who are 8 miles from us to collect gifts that we have there - sometimes we are able to pile it all in without the kids knowing about it depending on how many cars we have at the time. Then we get up in the morning and the kids open their gifts, we then head back to my parents house - Santa comes around on the Fire Truck Christmas Morning - in the Village and we see Santa, then wait for everyone else - my Uncle and 2 cousins to come over, then we have Christmas there, eat a late breakfast and usually left overs from the big meal Christmas Eve for my DD birthday. Though last year we went out to dinner to a wonderful buffet for her birthday. We are probably going to do that again this year. She invited another family - good friend of hers to join us. My DH family is in DE and his father and step mom are out in Montana. His Mom passed away in 2000 so we don't travel for Christmas. We stay local. I can't say 8 miles is traveling by any means.

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

Normally we stay home, but due to having DF in our family now it will be a rather...interesting holiday lol. Christmas Eve we are going to his stepdad's family an hour away during the day, then back to our town (across town though) to spend with his grandparents. Christmas morning we are doing at our house with his dad and then around 3pm we are heading to Daytona to spend with his mom and stepdad..we are spending the night there lol. This is the first year his mom and dad have "grandkids" and they are super excited and call daily to let us know lol.

 

[SnowWhite607]

Okay I just talked to her and here is how the conversation went...

Me: Well I think we are going to put up the tree this weekend.

Her: I dont know if I will put up one or not, its so much trouble. <so I thought this was my perfect opening.....>

Me: Well you really wouldnt have to would you, if you are going to be here for Christmas....

Her: Oh, are we doing THAT again?

Me: Well I thought so since DD wouldnt want to leave her toys and we wouldnt have to get up and rush to be anywhere....

Her: <silence> Oh, well "J" (my step aunt who DD never even sees) said she might be cooking a big dinner for everyone.....I guess we'll just have to see.

Well "J" lives over an hour away from my parents so you are talking probably 5 hours driving round trip on Christmas and also DH would not go for that at all. They eat at lunch time so we would have to leave my house probably around 9 or 930am and drive for 2 1/2 hours, eat and then turn around and leave by 3 so we dont get home after dark, driving on winding country roads.

She acted pi**ed off and I can just hear her telling my dad now "well she wants us to come over there AGAIN."

UGH, can we just cancel Christmas and go into January???

 

[C.Ann]

UGH, can we just cancel Christmas and go into January???

No - you can't just cancel Christmas and go into January.. LOL..

What you CAN do is to stand your ground.. If this is truly want you want, then just tell her "this is what we are going to do - you're welcome to join us" and that's it.. You're a big girl - you can do it!

 

[SnowWhite607]

well I think I at least laid the groundwork for staying here. At least she knows what I want to do.

I am just a people pleaser and I always want to be a perfectionist and I hate to make anyone mad or disappoint them. I am slowly starting to let go of my perfectionist-ways and learn that you cant make everyone happy all the time!

 

[TwinsinCA]

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but if you were so family oriented, why wouldn't you want to spend Christmas with your mom too? After losing a child so recently (regardless of his age), do you realize how hard it is for her to even get to the point of wanting to do the holidays. My brother died 7 years ago, and just in the last year or two is my mom able to actually get through the holidays without completely breaking down....and mainly because she gets to spend a lot of time wth DS3.



I agree with this 100%. The holidays are not about presents. They are about family and friends. I can't imagine not spending the holidays with all my aunts, uncles, cousins etc. Those are the memories we take into adulthood. I have never once though, "boy I wish we had stayed home on Christmas so I could play with my toys". I remember the burping contests with my cousins, and the boisterous card games the uncles played and the aunts always complaining about doing the dishes.

Christmas is on a Friday this year, and I bet most people unless in retail will not be working that weekend. Play with all the toys then. Especially with your mom only being an hour away, I don't see why it is a big deal to do Christmas morning at your house and then head over to hers later? That, IMHO, would make you be the family oriented person you claim to be. And maybe next year, mom can come to your house. But I think it is a huge step for her this year to be willing to do Christmas and i think you should help her through that, not make it more difficult!

When we travel for Christmas (which is half the time) we stay at SIL's, my mom's, whereever and stay put for a few days. The kids don't wake up in their own beds, but they don't have to go anywhere and can play all they want. The important thing is that we are with family. We spend time as a small family unit nearly every day of the year. For us, we want Christmas to be more than that.

Can you bring some toys along? I can't imagine not making the effort to see my mom when she lives that close.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Her: <silence> Oh, well "J" (my step aunt who DD never even sees) said she might be cooking a big dinner for everyone.....I guess we'll just have to see.

Your mom just lost my sympathy. I thought she wanted to stay HOME. If she would rather go to her SIL's (?? am I reading that right?) house than yours, then I would just stay home and not worry about it.

 

[SnowWhite607]

When we travel for Christmas (which is half the time) we stay at SIL's, my mom's, whereever and stay put for a few days. The kids don't wake up in their own beds, but they don't have to go anywhere and can play all they want. The important thing is that we are with family. We spend time as a small family unit nearly every day of the year. For us, we want Christmas to be more than that.

Can you bring some toys along? I can't imagine not making the effort to see my mom when she lives that close.

We do not have the best relationship and she and my DH do not get along very well.

Some backstory......my brother was engaged to a girl for 3 years, had a ring and everything. He died and within 6 months she was pregnant with someone else's baby (someone that I suspect she was seeing before he died). So I havent spoken to her in over a year because truthfully, I feel betrayed and like she REALLY did the wrong thing (she is 38 years old so she is not a bubble headed 20 year old who accidentally got pregnant, I think she knows what causes pregnancy...) Anyway, she calls and tells my mom she wants to come for T'giving. My mom, instead of telling her it may not be a great idea or even fibbing and saying that they are coming to my house, tells her okay, knowing that I wont come if she is there. So basically I feel that she chose this girl and her baby over me and my DD. She has done that my whole life, always choosing others over me....first my step dad, then my brother, now my brothers cheating fiancee!

So we stayed home for T'giving and the cheater got to eat my turkey! So you can see that things are touchy at best.

My parents also travel from Ms. to Tn for this childs birthday party, I understand she is still greiving but latching onto this girl and her baby (who is not my brothers child) is just plain weird to me!

 

[SnowWhite607]

Your mom just lost my sympathy. I thought she wanted to stay HOME. If she would rather go to her SIL's (?? am I reading that right?) house than yours, then I would just stay home and not worry about it.

Yes, her SIL but I think she was saying that like she wanted us to go too. But like I said, my mom lives an hour away. Her SIL lives an hour and a half further than that! So you are talking 5 hours of driving round trip for me, DH and DD on Christmas Day. We have NEVER been to her SIL's house for Christmas EVER so that was not even a thought to me.

Oh if she wants to go, thats fine but no way in heck will DH do that. I think he has some sort of anxiety disorder where he cant stand to be around a whole bunch of people, especially ones he doesnt know.

I just think that she thought that she was going to dictate not only what she did for Christmas, but what my family did as well.

 

[C.Ann]

You are not "abandoning your mom in her hour of grief" and don't let anyone try to guilt you into thinking so.. You have invtied her to your home - to be with her grandchildren on Christmas.. She is now waffling back and forth between an offer to be with her DD and grandchildren and an "aunt".. It sounds like more of a control issue than grief.. If being with close family is important to her - and her healing process - she will accept your invitation.. If not, she's basically just doing what she wants to do "because she can"..

I still say you should stand your ground.. It certainly doesn't sound like you have a lovey-dovey relationship with her - nor her with you.. She's not "alone" and she has other options.. Extend the invitation one more time and then in your "people-pleasing mode" please yourself, your DH, and your children..