Need help - On Christmas, do you go anywhere?

[Kae]

We get up christmas morning & go to my Parents & DH's in the afternoon. this year my sister is not coming up until the 26th BIL is working in the ER 24th &25th first time ever. And my nephews who are 18 & 13, it will be the first christmas they have ever been at their house. DN18 asked if he could come her for the 24th & 25th. I said of course So now we are doing something the 24th, 25th & 26th. which is fine with me.

Kae

 

[kacaju]

I grew up going to my Uncle's Christmas Day. Once I got married we still went there. After we had our first child and bought a house I said no more traveling. I hated leaving my gifts every Christmas I would not want my children do that.

So for 13 years now we have had Christmas at our house. Last year my niece and nephew who are 8 and 4, complained that they didn't like leaving their toys Christmas Day. My kids are now 16, 13 and 9 they are old enough to pass on the *not leaving the house Christmas Day* to their younger cousins!!

I told my SIL that it was only fair, her kids had the right to enjoy Christmas at home!!

 

[TwinsinCA]

Yes, her SIL but I think she was saying that like she wanted us to go too.

Which makes no sense to me. If she is willing to travel, why not go to your house? I really thought she wanted to host, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.

I wouldn't spend Christmas at my step aunt's house if she lived next door!

 

[luvsJack]

I only wanted to comment on your Mom's changing things up since the death of your brother. 11 years ago we lost my dad and then my brother-1 month to the day apart. After that my mom couldn't seem to settle on one way of doing the holidays. She wanted something different for years so each year she would just tell us who she was visiting at what time and we just made arrangements. (we all live within 2 minutes of each other). Some years she ate breakfast with my family and dinner with my sister and supper with my brother. Other years it was changed around.

In the last couple of years she has decided to go back to a dinner at her house. Would I rather spend the day in jammies at home with dd, dh and at least one of my ds? Probably. Will I instead be there for my mom because I know this is a hard time of year for her? Sure will. We just plan another day during the holidays to spend the day in jammies playing family games and eating our favorite Christmas day stuff. We still get the day and mom still has us when she needs us most.

I don't mean to judge you OP, but just hoping you will look at it from her perspective.

 

[ilovefh]

This thread is very interesting! Everyone does something a little different! As kids we always had Christmas at our house in the morning, then my dad made breakfast and around 11 we would go to my grandparents house (5 houses down the street). My uncles would come with their families and they lived 1 and 1.5 hours away. Now that I am married we still go to my parents house on Christmas morning(we bring out gifts over the night before to put under their tree) and my dad still cooks us breakfast. Now that my grandparents have passed away my parents host everyone so my uncles and their families come to their house. When we have kids we've decided that my parents will come to our house for the morning and depending on what house we buy my uncles and their families will either come to our house or my parents house. We normally eat lunch around 2.

We've invited DH's dad who lives 1.5 hours from us to spend Christmas with us but he hasn't taken us up on it yet.

The thought never crossed my mind as a kid to be mad about having to go to my grandparents house because I wanted to play with my toys. We were and still are a close family and I was always excited to see my cousins!

 

[SnowWhite607]

Which makes no sense to me. If she is willing to travel, why not go to your house? I really thought she wanted to host, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.

I wouldn't spend Christmas at my step aunt's house if she lived next door!

I get what you are saying.........I think she wanted to host (because she talked about putting up a tree and she made the remark the other day about asking someone to Christmas) till my step aunt said she was cooking for everyone so my mom thought she would change everyone's plans or make plans for everyone and tell us all what to do.

 

[SnowWhite607]

This thread is very interesting! Everyone does something a little different! As kids we always had Christmas at our house in the morning, then my dad made breakfast and around 11 we would go to my grandparents house (5 houses down the street). My uncles would come with their families and they lived 1 and 1.5 hours away. Now that I am married we still go to my parents house on Christmas morning(we bring out gifts over the night before to put under their tree) and my dad still cooks us breakfast. Now that my grandparents have passed away my parents host everyone so my uncles and their families come to their house. When we have kids we've decided that my parents will come to our house for the morning and depending on what house we buy my uncles and their families will either come to our house or my parents house. We normally eat lunch around 2.

We've invited DH's dad who lives 1.5 hours from us to spend Christmas with us but he hasn't taken us up on it yet.

The thought never crossed my mind as a kid to be mad about having to go to my grandparents house because I wanted to play with my toys. We were and still are a close family and I was always excited to see my cousins![/QUOTE]

(the above should have been a quote, not sure why it didnt quote.....) I never had cousins, only step ones and they never wanted anything to do with me because I wasnt really family.........when we went to my step grandmothers for Christmas, every kid got a present except, guess who? I was never accepted and usually ended up spending Christmas Day sitting on the couch watching TV alone. I guess if I had a nice close family that I had many fond memories of, I would feel differently. I love the stories of eveyrone having breakfast at Uncles house or spending Christmas Eve at Grandmas

 

[luvsJack]

Maybe you should go at it like "Mom we want to spend Christmas with you and would like to make plans with just us". Or maybe you could try asking her why she wants to change things from what you have been doing. Maybe for some reason things a big family Christmas would be a good thing and that's why she wants to go to her sil's?

Have you asked her why she continues to be attached to your brother's girlfriend and her child? Sounds like she is associating this woman with your brother. Losing a child must be the hardest thing in the world for a person to go through and I would imagine there are a million and one ways of dealing with it. Maybe this is hers.

 

[ilovefh]

I never had cousins, only step ones and they never wanted anything to do with me because I wasnt really family.........when we went to my step grandmothers for Christmas, every kid got a present except, guess who? I was never accepted and usually ended up spending Christmas Day sitting on the couch watching TV alone. I guess if I had a nice close family that I had many fond memories of, I would feel differently.

I can understand how you feel! I can't however understand how ANY adult would think it is okay to treat a kid that way!! My cousin married a man with a daughter and my aunt and uncle are so close to his daughter that she sometimes calls them while she is on the bus in the mornings! (She lives in GA and they live in NH) And we buy her gifts because she is part of our family now!

I really do find this thread interesting because everyone has a different tradition!

And to bring this back OT....I think if you want to celebrate at your house then you should! The invite to your mom is out there...she can choose to accept or decline.

 

[attain]

This year is my son's first Christmas, followed by his first birthday (26th). We have made it clear that we will be at our house on the 24th-26th. My ILs have always done Christmas on the 24th and they will again this year, just without us. I do not have any good memories of Christmas growing up. Someone always did something to ruin the day. I want to start traditions of my own (making cooking, Christmas dinner, opening presents, etc) with my family in my house. We will be visiting family on the 27th.

After my childhood, I strongly believe that you have to do what you want. You can't please everyone.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

We've done something different for Christmas every year. Sometimes we'd travel, sometimes we'd stay home. Sometimes we'd cook, sometimes we'd eat out. It's our tradition to be a little nontraditional in my family.

 

[SnowWhite607]

Maybe you should go at it like "Mom we want to spend Christmas with you and would like to make plans with just us". Or maybe you could try asking her why she wants to change things from what you have been doing. Maybe for some reason things a big family Christmas would be a good thing and that's why she wants to go to her sil's?

Have you asked her why she continues to be attached to your brother's girlfriend and her child? Sounds like she is associating this woman with your brother. Losing a child must be the hardest thing in the world for a person to go through and I would imagine there are a million and one ways of dealing with it. Maybe this is hers.

They said "well we love her no matter what, people make mistakes." What ticks me off is that I was telling her about my SIL and some drama in her family and how her two daughters are fighting and how my SIL feels in the middle of her 2 kids. My mom said "Yes I know how she feels" (meaning this situation). But I told her the only problem with that logic was that THIS GIRL IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, I AM!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

They said "well we love her no matter what, people make mistakes." What ticks me off is that I was telling her about my SIL and some drama in her family and how her two daughters are fighting and how my SIL feels in the middle of her 2 kids. My mom said "Yes I know how she feels" (meaning this situation). But I told her the only problem with that logic was that THIS GIRL IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, I AM!

Stop the presses. You are making a critical error when you gossip with mom about family. You have not learned that yet? My mom would have "gossip" spread around ten ways till Sunday and then of course she exaggerates it.

You know, let people be who they want to be and you be who you want to be. If you want to stay home, stay home.

It is very freeing to become an adult and make adult decisions. Trust me on that.

If your mom goes off somewhere else for holidays, oh well, it is her choice just as it is your choice to stay home.

 

[SnowWhite607]

Stop the presses. You are making a critical error when you gossip with mom about family. You have not learned that yet? My mom would have "gossip" spread around ten ways till Sunday and then of course she exaggerates it.

You know, let people be who they want to be and you be who you want to be. If you want to stay home, stay home.

It is very freeing to become an adult and make adult decisions. Trust me on that.

If your mom goes off somewhere else for holidays, oh well, it is her choice just as it is your choice to stay home.

The SIL was DH;s brothers wife so no one she knows would know the person or even care. She doesnt have anyone to gossip to I guess,

As for being an adult, I hear ya on that one. But she has always treated me like a child and I guess I just automatically revert back to that role. I never seemed to get her approval as a child so I guess I constantly seek it even now.

 

[allison443]

The holidays are not about presents. They are about family and friends. I can't imagine not spending the holidays with all my aunts, uncles, cousins etc. Those are the memories we take into adulthood. I have never once though, "boy I wish we had stayed home on Christmas so I could play with my toys". I remember the burping contests with my cousins, and the boisterous card games the uncles played and the aunts always complaining about doing the dishes.

Christmas is on a Friday this year, and I bet most people unless in retail will not be working that weekend. Play with all the toys then. Especially with your mom only being an hour away, I don't see why it is a big deal to do Christmas morning at your house and then head over to hers later? That, IMHO, would make you be the family oriented person you claim to be. And maybe next year, mom can come to your house. But I think it is a huge step for her this year to be willing to do Christmas and i think you should help her through that, not make it more difficult!

Thank you for posting this! I agree with you about the important part of Christmas being the happy times spent with family and friends, not the wii or the Barbie dollhouse!

 

[kldmom2000]

Ever since DH and I moved away in 1994 when we got married, we would drive the hour to my Aunt's house first for brunch @ 11 (so we'd have to leave here by 10am)... then to his Mom's house for lunch @ 12:30.... then to my Mom's house by 5 for dinner and we'd get home well after 8pm.

In 2000, we welcomed our first child... it didn't change and got even crazier when DD #2 was born in 2002....

Sure it got to be crazy and absolutely rushed... but I savor it. Life is too short. 2 weeks before Christmas last year, my mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer just shy of her 58th birthday. Remarkably, she is still here, though we don't know how much longer. I'll cherish this Christmas and all the craziness that comes with it because I'll see everyone I love I figure we have the next day together at home as a family and then the girls are home from school for a week.... so what's one day of visiting???

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The SIL was DH;s brothers wife so no one she knows would know the person or even care. She doesnt have anyone to gossip to I guess,

As for being an adult, I hear ya on that one. But she has always treated me like a child and I guess I just automatically revert back to that role. I never seemed to get her approval as a child so I guess I constantly seek it even now.

Oh, I thought you were talking about the SIL in question. I am so confused now.

As far as your "child thing", my parents treated us "as the adults". And of course we are still watching out for them.

I cannot relate with seeking approval from parents. That is your demon to wrestle to the ground. That would be a constant source of anxiety I would imagine.

Family is family and you have to pave your own path that works for you.

 

[mom2d&b]

When DH and I were dating and before kids we split the day between our own house, my parents then his parents (with his 3 siblings and their families). It was a LOOOOONG day and not very enjoyable. After DS was born I put my foot down. It was too much dragging 2 kids all over on Christmas Day. This was also the same time my parents moved about 2 hours away. I decided we would spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other. We rotate every year. The first 2 years MIL didn't see the kids on Chrostmas Day were filled with drama. Now she is used to it and all is better. The funny thing is DH siblings had an issue with it at first as well, now 2 of the 3 seem to be pulling back from the extended family time. The intresting thing is their kids are older than ours. OUr Christmas witrh my parents is different each time, sometimes my sister or brother will visit. They live is other states, other times we will all meet at Disney for the holiday, and sometimes my parents will come to our house. They arrive early enough to see the kids open presents, we have breakfast then they head home. Leaving us to enjoy our day at home alone.

 

[dollydell]

Growing up my brother and sister and I, after our parents divorce would spend all day Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with our mother, and about 1pm would go to spend the rest of the day with our Dad. His extended family lives close, so we would get together with them for presents at my aunt's house about 3.

We found that it was late enough in the day that we didn't regret the running around, especially as there was no running around Christmas Eve. We loved seeing the whole family, my Mom's side would sometimes come to town, they would just hang out with Mom and her partner when we left for the afternoon and evening.

 

[2girlsmom]

OP, it sounds to me like your experience growing up was very different than many of ours.

We have traditionally opened all but one Santa present and our stockings on Christmas eve, now that I am an adult with children we mostly follow this, but normally on Christmas Eve night we go to my parents house for dinner (usually appetizer/snack foods) and the present exchange for the kids (my sibs and I don't buy for each other, just the children and our parents). Then on Christmas morning my kids get their "santa" gifts/stockings, and Christmas afternoon around 3 we go to my inlaws for the big holiday dinner and present opening for that side. However, my parents sold their house here this year and are going to be in TN for Christmas, my sister and her family are going down there, so we will be on our own for Christmas Eve this year. I have been debating having some friends over for a Christmas Eve "party", but I have to work that day so we'll see what happens there.