Need help - On Christmas, do you go anywhere?

[puffkin]

She just doesnt get how I am so family oriented, I guess since she never was that way.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but if you were so family oriented, why wouldn't you want to spend Christmas with your mom too? After losing a child so recently (regardless of his age), do you realize how hard it is for her to even get to the point of wanting to do the holidays. My brother died 7 years ago, and just in the last year or two is my mom able to actually get through the holidays without completely breaking down....and mainly because she gets to spend a lot of time wth DS3.

We stay home for Christmas day but we live in Va and our families live in Pa and NY. Growing up we would start off at home I would open santas gifts. Then go to my one Grandmas for lunch and go to my other Grandmas for dinner. I loved it. We exchanged presents with cosuins. I would bring something new I could show to my Grandma's I never at all remember thinking I wish I could stay home and play with this stuff I wanted to be with family.
If there was a way we would be with family on this day we would because it isn't about the toys the kids get it is about being with those you love.

I agree with this 100%. The holidays are not about presents. They are about family and friends. I can't imagine not spending the holidays with all my aunts, uncles, cousins etc. Those are the memories we take into adulthood. I have never once though, "boy I wish we had stayed home on Christmas so I could play with my toys". I remember the burping contests with my cousins, and the boisterous card games the uncles played and the aunts always complaining about doing the dishes.

Christmas is on a Friday this year, and I bet most people unless in retail will not be working that weekend. Play with all the toys then. Especially with your mom only being an hour away, I don't see why it is a big deal to do Christmas morning at your house and then head over to hers later? That, IMHO, would make you be the family oriented person you claim to be. And maybe next year, mom can come to your house. But I think it is a huge step for her this year to be willing to do Christmas and i think you should help her through that, not make it more difficult!

 

[ogreenlee]

You are absolutely correct, I know. But my mother lays on the guilt so heavy and she always has. I know exactly what she will say........"I only have one child left and one grandchild and you cant even come to my house....this could be my last Christmas, you never know, and then how would you feel??"

She just doesnt get how I am so family oriented, I guess since she never was that way.

Put your foot down. Her guilt trip is her own deal. If she wins, she won't quit.

Before having our DD, we always went to my MIL's house on Christmas. Her other son lived down the street from her, so it wasn't a big deal to go there for him and his family. For us, depending on where we lived, had to travel there.

We live three hours away now. When our DD was a baby, we still made the trek, but once she turned 2, that ended. Santa comes to our house. It ticked my MIL off when we told her we wouldn't be coming on Christmas Day anymore. "Well Santa can come here." Um, yeah, but not for us.

So we stood firm. Now we do Christmas at her house a day or two later.. depending on what day it falls on, and my DH's work schedule. The other son still lives there, and can go whenever. It's on our schedule now, and I don't feel bad about it. Her other granddaughter is now 12, and could care less. Mine is 6, and we still wait on Santa.

 

[DMickey28]

How old is DD?

This year we are going down to my mom's house, 2 hours away, on Christmas Eve and staying through until December 26th. My brother and his gf are coming Christmas Day. My DS is 2.5. He isn't getting a TON for Christmas in the first place so we are just going to bring it with us. DH and I haven't decided if we are going to do our family Christmas on the 26th at night when we get home maybe or in the morning on the 24th. We are doing gifts for each other that we don't want to drag down to my moms.

Next year, we MIGHT do Christmas down there one more time but after that when DS1 will be 4.5 and DS2 will be 1.5 we will be staying home and if you want to come to us you can. I'll be laying the groundwork for that starting this year!!

 

[ogreenlee]

oh, and fwiw.. she came to our house last year for Christmas eve/day. she may be doing this again, but she said some awful stuff to my DH over Thanksgiving (you can see my complaint thread on the family board), so who knows what will happen this time. I'm not concerned. I'd love for it to be just the three of us, personally.

 

[SnowWhite607]

I never said I didnt want to spend Christmas with her, only that they would come to my house and I would not be guilted into going to hers.

I dont have the big family memories because my step fathers family didnt like me because I wasnt "one of them" so they never included me in any fun cousin activities (or any gift giving if I recall). DD has one aunt and one uncle and one 17 yr old male cousin. She sees the aunt and uncle maybe 2 times a year, not like we are missing huge memories with them.

DD is 8

 

[ohiomom28]

Growing up, we always woke up early, opened presents and rushed to my aunts for breakfast and then back home to get ready for Christmas with my Dad's family at my grandparents house. After awhile, my family decided it was too hard to get everyone together on that day so we moved it to a week before Christmas. We were then free to stay home all day if we so desired. My parents thought it was great not having to rush here or there. Since my sister and I have all grown up and moved out, we have started it all over again. We rush to my parents after opening presents and eat breakfast and open presents there as well. We then go home for the day. This is my 1st Christmas with my BF since living together and he is against rushing over there and he wants to stay home and let my son play as much as he wants. We have to go to his parents Christmas Eve and my parents Christmas morning. I have compromised with my mom and we aren't going to their house until 11, but next year BF said he wants to spend our Christmas at home. I agree, my parents didn't like leaving home on Christmas but it seems like they want us to do what they hated to do..its a no win situation..lol. Sorry for the ramble, I lost track of what I was saying lol

 

[SnowWhite607]

Just to clarify............ when I said "family oriented" I mean how DH and I do things with DD all the time, take her places, sit down and play games with her, take her on special trips, etc. She never did that with me as a kid so she doesnt understand that these are things that parents actually do!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You are absolutely correct, I know. But my mother lays on the guilt so heavy and she always has. I know exactly what she will say........"I only have one child left and one grandchild and you cant even come to my house....this could be my last Christmas, you never know, and then how would you feel??"

She just doesnt get how I am so family oriented, I guess since she never was that way.

She lays guilt on you?

I can't change you, but I do not respond to guilt and manipulation. So that would go over like a lead balloon in my family.

Your response...(repeat it over and over to her as she throws out guilt trips)

"No, mom, we are staying here but you are welcome to come over and spend Christmas with us".

You file this under the chapter.."how to manipulate a manipulator."

 

[ogreenlee]

Just to clarify............ when I said "family oriented" I mean how DH and I do things with DD all the time, take her places, sit down and play games with her, take her on special trips, etc. She never did that with me as a kid so she doesnt understand that these are things that parents actually do!

My mom passed away last December, and my FIL passed away the December before that. We had more family to see before then, but DH only has one brother and one niece, and I'm an only child. We only have 4 immediate family members left, and one of those is in a nursing home. BIL and his wife are divorced, and the 12 year old niece goes back and forth between them, but they live near each other.

I feel like my family is the only unit left in tact. I don't understand why we have to be the ones to get up and go. I don't even know why we have to go to my MIL's house, except that she still has this image in her head of how it's supposed to look. She has rearranged her entire house, still decorates with umpteeth Christmas trees, and then everyone goes there... she cooks and then complains.

This may be our last year doing this.

 

[MIGrandma]

Christmas has been at our house, on Christmas Day for about 30 years. We stopped going anywhere when our kids were little. We went to DH's parents' for Christmas Eve, but Christmas Day was at home and my parents always came out too.

The kids are grown and we have 5 grandkids now. I would LOVE to go somewhere else for Christmas Day!

One year our son hosted it and it was WONDERFUL going there for Christmas, instead of hosting it ourselves.

DD says their house is "too small" to host it, but I don't think it is really.

So they all still choose to come here. DD has a 4-year-old and a 10-month-old so I'm really surprised they want to still come, but they do. I would defintely understand if they wanted to start staying home on Christmas, and have our Christmas gathering on a different day. It would be no problem with me to change things up a bit.

So, I will continue to have Christmas here at our house, for the next few years probably. But I really think by the time I'm 60 I'll tell the kids it's their turn to host.

 

[pipersmom]

My brother and I both travel to my Moms Christmas morning. That being said, we do not go at the crack of dawn, we get there around 9:30-10:00, and they have a ton of presents to open there as well. We both have 8 yr olds, so they're usually up by 7 or so at the latest, that gives them at least 2 hrs to be at home with their new stuff from us before we go there. I think you should do whatever works best for you and your family.

 

[jme829]

WE used to go to my parents or sisters house every year (I would do Thanksgiving) but it was only 20 minutes away.

Then we got relocated to Wisconsin. Our first year here, we went back to Ohio for BOTH Christmas and Thanksgiving. 650 miles..one way! That first Christmas back, we got the kids up, opened gifts, ate then hopped in the car for the 6 hours to our hotel where we had frozen tv dinners for dinner since nothing was open. Then the next morning go up and drove the other 6 hours to my moms house.

NEVER AGAIN! Now we stay home on Turkey day and just go at Christmas however, I will not ever do that to my kids again! Last year we went the week before Christmas (got home on Christmas Eve) because of the way the school schedule worked out (it was PERFECT!!!!)

This year the school schedule is different so we will leave here the day after Christmas, get to Ohio on Sunday then we'll leave and be be back here on New Years Eve so the kids will still have Christmas at home and then a few days before they go back to school. That first year their whole break was spent travelling and they had 1 day to enjoy before they went back to school.

You have to do what works best for you and your family. !!!!!!

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

Growing up we woke up and opened presents and then headed off to split time between my mom and my dad's family on Christmas Day. I hated it, always rushing to the different parties when I just wanted to stay home and enjoy the day.

Now that we are adults our tradition has changed. My sister has kids and I do not. What we do is we have a family get together (my DH and I, my sister's family, our parents, and our aunt and uncle and cousins) on Christmas Eve. Then on Christmas day my sister stays home with her kiddos, while my parents, my DH and I spend all day at the movie theatre. I love it, it is so relaxing and fun. Some Christmas dinners have been a hot dog from the theatre or the gas station, while other times my mom has cooked or we go out to a Mexican restaurant that is open. We just play it by ear, but I love it and have the best memories from it.

 

[OK!]

We always went in to my grandparents' house for Christmas Eve for a big gathering with all of the family and friends, and then Christmas Day was spent at our house, with usually just my grandparents coming out (and whoever had traveled in from out of town). Now that my grandparents are gone, everything is at my parents' house.

Good luck, OP! I hope you get to spend Christmas however you and your family want to!

 

[Bluestars]

Considering your brother died so recently and your mother is feeling up to doing Christmas at her house, I would suck it up and go. I can't even imagine the pain a parent would feel with the loss of a child. The fact that she wants to celebrate at all is amazing. You'll have many more Christmases to celebrate the way you want to.

I know I am of no help. Sorry.

 

[clarabelle]

What if you changed when you do Christmas?
If it is important that you be there with your Mom -could you rearrange your present opening so it is not rushed?

Do it Christmas Eve? or split it up?
Part Christmas AM and part when you get back from your Moms?

 

[ZephyrHawk]

When I was a kid we alternated between going to grandmas and having my grandparents come to our house (they never lived more than 30 minutes away). Yes, it bothered me to have to stop playing and get dressed to go out, but then it also bothered me to have to stop playing, clean the house, help my mom make dinner, set the table, practice my piano for Christmas songs after dinner and get dressed in preparation for a dinner party. In other words, I didn't care whether I stayed or went elsewhere.

Now that I'm married, oh boy do we travel. Christmas Eve will be my parents house, then back to our place that night because DH insists we have Christmas morning for "just us", then down to his dad and stepmom's for Christmas dinner, then back to our place, then the 26th we'll be having his mom's family over. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

However, I have taken the first necessary steps to ending this madness. I have asserted myself as the "Christmas House" for his mom's family. When we have kids they will be my parents' sole grandchildren and his dad's sole grandchildren (for some time). As such, they will all come to ME! That's right, there will be no Christmas traveling once the offspring appear! Thus have I said, thus shall it be.

Sigh, let's see if that one actually works.

 

[moon]

We stay home for Christmas day but we live in Va and our families live in Pa and NY. Growing up we would start off at home I would open santas gifts. Then go to my one Grandmas for lunch and go to my other Grandmas for dinner. I loved it. We exchanged presents with cosuins. I would bring something new I could show to my Grandma's I never at all remember thinking I wish I could stay home and play with this stuff I wanted to be with family.
If there was a way we would be with family on this day we would because it isn't about the toys the kids get it is about being with those you love.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but if you were so family oriented, why wouldn't you want to spend Christmas with your mom too? After losing a child so recently (regardless of his age), do you realize how hard it is for her to even get to the point of wanting to do the holidays. My brother died 7 years ago, and just in the last year or two is my mom able to actually get through the holidays without completely breaking down....and mainly because she gets to spend a lot of time wth DS3.



I agree with this 100%. The holidays are not about presents. They are about family and friends. I can't imagine not spending the holidays with all my aunts, uncles, cousins etc. Those are the memories we take into adulthood. I have never once though, "boy I wish we had stayed home on Christmas so I could play with my toys". I remember the burping contests with my cousins, and the boisterous card games the uncles played and the aunts always complaining about doing the dishes.

Christmas is on a Friday this year, and I bet most people unless in retail will not be working that weekend. Play with all the toys then. Especially with your mom only being an hour away, I don't see why it is a big deal to do Christmas morning at your house and then head over to hers later? That, IMHO, would make you be the family oriented person you claim to be. And maybe next year, mom can come to your house. But I think it is a huge step for her this year to be willing to do Christmas and i think you should help her through that, not make it more difficult!

I agree with both of you so much. The biggest joy of my childhood Christmases was to be with my uncles, aunts and cousins. Now it just hurts that my mom and I don't have that anymore.

I esp. agree with the bolded sentence above. OP, your mom has gone through something no parent should endure, and she's making an effort. I'm not saying that you should comply every year, but, could you help her make that first step this year? Perhaps say something that you will have Christmas with her this year, but then switch next Christmas?

 

[KirstenB]

We have it pretty easy. We host a big Christmas Eve buffet for both mine and dh's parents, plus all my siblings and their families. We all open our gifts then. (everyone is on his own for arranging Santa's gifts the next day!) My parents live an hour away. On Christmas Day, Mom cooks a big dinner and invites everyone to that. By 4 pm, when we leave for my parents, the kids can bring a toy or two, but they're usually pretty happy. Is your mom expecting to see you first thing Christmas morning, or could you move it to lunch or dinner? It feels much less rushed that way.

 

[Hoodie]

We always lived 300+ miles from our relatives so we spent all holidays at home. We'd load up the car a couple of days after Christmas and go to my grandparents house for Christmas #2.

Now that I have a LO, we are spending it at our home - no travel. Of course this has added a whole new level of stress - the whole family is now coming to my house for Christmas!