Need help explaining ER situation (spoiler alert)

[chager]

We are watching ER and the situation with John and Kem. DS (9) asked why they would be upset since they never really saw the baby. I tried to explain why but he still doesn't understand. He doesn't know anyone that has experianced this in his lifetime. I tried to explain to him that you fall in love with your baby as soon as you know about him/her. I remember when my aunt lost her 1st child when he was 14 days old (I was about 5)and when she lost her 2nd child (I was 16 then)the night before her c section. (Cord wrapped around her neck) I remember being so sad and I wasn't even that close to my aunt by that time. I guess I am at a loss as to how to explain this to him in a way he will understand it. Thanks for any ideas.

 

[janette]

Maybe read some of the stories here: Thread for parents who have lost babies..preborn or shortly after--just to chat

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

It's so hard to explain a Mother's and Father's love to a child, they'll never understand it until they're a parent. The best way I've described it to my kids was to tell them to picture the baby like their heart. If somebody else is talking care of your baby it's like taking your heart and gently handing it to that person and telling them to be very careful with it because it's a very delicate thing. There's not many people I would trust to take such special care of my heart, and that's the way I feel about them.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I agree with Gymnasticsmom. You could never explain the loss you feel, when you lose a child, especially to a kid. I remember when someone I knew had a miscarriage early in pregnancy and they would cry and be sad. I used to think, give me a break, you were barely pregnant. Then I had 2. Boy, was I wrong. I took it hard, losing a baby at 6 weeks. I couldn't even imagine being that far into my pregnancy and losing my baby. Hopefully, it will be a sadness your son will never experience.

 

[Val]

We explained to my oldest DD (now 16, but then 2 and 3) when we lost a midpregnancy at 16 weeks and 14 weeks that instead of being able to bring our baby home, the baby was an angel that lived with God. We explained that we were sad because our little baby wasn't with us and its like when Grandma goes home after a visit and we miss her very much- only that this was forever. She seemed to accept that, and was comforted that the baby was safe and not hurting. We still celebrate our "angels" at Christmas and Easter- our youngest three (DD12, DS8 and DD6) obviously weren't around for the loss, but understand about the "angels". Helped when we lost grandparents, too.....

 

[laurie31]

Just tell him the baby was their son and they loved him, it doesn't matter if they saw him before he died or not. A child is a child - they are very precious things And...um...not to sound judgemental or anything, but isn't your ds a bit young to watch a show with ER's rating? Obviously you're watching with him and explaining things to him, but there's plenty of stuff on ER that I wouldn't want to try to explain to a 9 year old...but your son may be very mature or interested in medicine or nursing, so I don't mean to judge your situation. Ratings are meant for guidelines, after all.

As for an explanation your DS might be able to relate to, imagine you're planning a trip to Disney World. You've never been before and you can't wait to ride the rides and meet the characters. You plan this trip for months. You dream about it, plan your itinerary, make your ps's, you've even packed your luggage. Then you get a phone call that Disney World is closed. Not just for a day or the week, but forever. You can never go there. Not ever. Imagine how sad you would feel, how lost.

And obviously, a child is an infinitely more precious dream than any vacation, so yes, to lose an unborn child is still a devastating thing.

Laurie, who hopes this made sense - it's getting late...

 

[ckr]

I was going to add my own way of explaining it, but yours was perfect.

I recall after having unplanned, emergency surgery at 8 weeks into a tubal pregnancy how completely devastated I was. I struggled with feeling silly for feeling so utterly miserable. I had only known I was pregnant for 2 weeks, there was no way the situation could've had a healthy mom and baby outcome, why was I so totally heart-broken?

Then my mom explained that even if it wasn't the death of a person (in terms of someone you actually have seen/met, etc.), it was most certainly the death of a dream. While only "knowing" this baby for 2 weeks, I had dreamed of him/her for most of my life. Once I realized it wasn't at all silly to mourn the loss of our baby, our dream, I began to heal. But it was a slow process.

 

[chager]

Thanks for the great ideas. I really like the WDW analogy. I was trying to come up with something like that last night but couldn't.
Normally he doesn't watch ER but I do. He watched the last friends episode with me and then ER came on and he watched the beginning of it. I knew the baby was going to die by the previews and he had heard me telling someone else about it. SO when it came on last night and he saw it he started asking questions. He is a very mature 9yr old. (Think of talking with a 12-14 yr old. That is the age group most people think he is in when they speak with him on the phone. They are shocked when they meet him and see he is only 9)
I used the WDW example and he looked at me and said "But mom we have already been there and they would let everyone know ahead of time if they were closing." We talked a few more minutes and then he just sat there a moment. After thinking it all over he said "Oh, I get it now. That is really sad that happens." I saw the little light bulb of comprehension light up. Thank you all for your help with this delicate situation.

 

[missypie]

Good for you for trying so hard to come up with a good explanation...maybe that will stay with him and make him a more sensitive adult male. I think just about all men would be upset about the loss of an almost full term baby, but I've known quite a few men who were less than fully supportive after their wives miscarried, especially early on. (With my first miscarriage, my DH was very sympathetic while I was in physical pain, but he was pretty baffled that I was depressed for some time thereafter.)

 

[laurie31]

chager, I'm so glad you liked my analogy A child can't really grasp the depth of love that parents have for their children so I tried to think of something a child would be really devastated to lose. I had a feeling your DS was mature for his age as most boys that age wouldn't ask a question of that depth

and yes, ckr a baby is a dream To lose that dream in any way is an incredibly painful thing. My deepest sympathies to all who have experienced it.

Laurie