Need Advice/Support on How to Deal with my Mother

[Rora]

To make a very long story short: my parents have never approved my of DH, ever. He is quiet, shy, not into sports, etc, basically he has never "fit in" with my family. This has always been a little difficult but it's never been as bad as now.

DH has had a lot of career changes. In college he planned on becoming a lawyer, then decided to go to Police Academy (currently doing that..) but has always know that he has wanted to be a Youth Pastor at a Church (I've always dissuaded him because I knew that it would be a giant deal in my family and to be honest, I was nervous as to what my life would be like as a Pastor's Wife). While I'm still coming to terms with that (I was all ready to be a Police Officer's wife!) I realize that you need to do something you love to make you happy. If this is what he wants, fine- I support him 100% because I love him and would be with him even if he wanted to be garbage man. He's promised no more career changes.

The problem, of course, is my mother. She is appalled by this idea. She is a strict Catholic who thinks that anyone who isn't is a raving heathen or a "throw your hands in the air, speak in tongues" kind of Christian. The thought of me becoming a Pastor's Wife disgusts her and she is certainly making it known. There are never ending comments about how we're going to be poor, that he's not good enough for me, that she never thought I'd be a Pastor's Wife (I'm not very religious), etc etc. Regardless, they are hurtful and honestly her actions (constant crying about this decision, nagging, making me feel really negative about this entire thing) is pushing me away from her. My aunt (her sister) doesn't help. They seem to be in cahoots and feel the need to tell me how awful my life will be frequently.

My mother called DH's mom today and apparently was very, very snarky. His mom isn't always the sweetest lady so I take what is said with a grain of salt but I don't doubt my mom said some hurtful things to DH's mom about him (mostly on the lines of him not being good enough, I'll need to support myself).

I'm in tears over this.. my mom used to be my best friend, biggest supporter. I turned to her to make me feel better, not worse. She was totally gung-ho about him being a police officer since it is a steady job, with benefits, etc (and doesn't involve religion..) but it really seems to just be about the money.

I'm trying to be nice and gentle when I say I'm upset with how she's acting but nothing seems to be making an impact and she gets even more defensive.

Sorry this turned into a novel.. I guess it's a vent but I'm also looking for advice on how to make this more tolerable.

 

[Mary•Poppins]

I see by your sig that you just got married ....

This is a time in your life where you are going to have to decide what is important to you. My mother sounds a lot like yours ... controlling. (By the way, I just had a huge blow out with her and I have been married for 20 years. It is not about my marriage at this point, it is the way she treats me and my family .... but this is not my story.)

My suggestion, is to lay your feelings on the line and tell her to STAY out of it. I don't know much about you, but since your marriage is SO fresh, your mom is having a lot of issues with losing you, compounded with your husband's decisions. (In her mind, she is probably trying to protect you.)

As I have stated with my mother, MY FAMILY comes first ... and then her. Sorry you have to deal with this. I hope it works out for you. My relationship is still a work in progress ... and probably always will be. These are just my opinions. Others may have better suggestions. Good Luck!

 

[My sister's princess]

To make a very long story short: my parents have never approved my of DH, ever. He is quiet, shy, not into sports, etc, basically he has never "fit in" with my family. This has always been a little difficult but it's never been as bad as now.

DH has had a lot of career changes. In college he planned on becoming a lawyer, then decided to go to Police Academy (currently doing that..) but has always know that he has wanted to be a Youth Pastor at a Church (I've always dissuaded him because I knew that it would be a giant deal in my family and to be honest, I was nervous as to what my life would be like as a Pastor's Wife). While I'm still coming to terms with that (I was all ready to be a Police Officer's wife!) I realize that you need to do something you love to make you happy. If this is what he wants, fine- I support him 100% because I love him and would be with him even if he wanted to be garbage man. He's promised no more career changes.

The problem, of course, is my mother. She is appalled by this idea. She is a strict Catholic who thinks that anyone who isn't is a raving heathen or a "throw your hands in the air, speak in tongues" kind of Christian. The thought of me becoming a Pastor's Wife disgusts her and she is certainly making it known. There are never ending comments about how we're going to be poor, that he's not good enough for me, that she never thought I'd be a Pastor's Wife (I'm not very religious), etc etc. Regardless, they are hurtful and honestly her actions (constant crying about this decision, nagging, making me feel really negative about this entire thing) is pushing me away from her. My aunt (her sister) doesn't help. They seem to be in cahoots and feel the need to tell me how awful my life will be frequently.

My mother called DH's mom today and apparently was very, very snarky. His mom isn't always the sweetest lady so I take what is said with a grain of salt but I don't doubt my mom said some hurtful things to DH's mom about him (mostly on the lines of him not being good enough, I'll need to support myself).

I'm in tears over this.. my mom used to be my best friend, biggest supporter. I turned to her to make me feel better, not worse. She was totally gung-ho about him being a police officer since it is a steady job, with benefits, etc (and doesn't involve religion..) but it really seems to just be about the money.

I'm trying to be nice and gentle when I say I'm upset with how she's acting but nothing seems to be making an impact and she gets even more defensive.

Sorry this turned into a novel.. I guess it's a vent but I'm also looking for advice on how to make this more tolerable.

How was your wedding!!!!!???????


Ignore you mom for now, she will settle down, if she doesn't, still ignore her. She can't make your choices, and she certainly can't make your DH's choices.

As for the pastor's wife thing, the youth pastor's wife is always the fun one

 

[minkydog]

I see by your sig that you just got married ....

This is a time in your life were you are going to have to decide what is important to you. My mother sounds a lot like yours ... controlling. (By the way, I just had a huge blow out with her and I have been married for 20 years. It is not about my marriage at this point, it is the way she treats me and my family .... but this is not my story.)

My suggestion, is to lay your feelings on the line and tell her to STAY out of it. I don't know much about you, but since your marriage is SO fresh, your mom is having a lot of issues with losing you, compounded with your husband's decisions. (In her mind, she is probably trying to protect you.)

As I have stated with my mother, MY FAMILY comes first ... and then her. Sorry you have to deal with this. I hope it works out for you. My relationship is still a work in progress ... and probably always will be. These are just my opinions. Others may have better suggestions. Good Luck!

I totally agree. My mother is a force to be reckoned with and she has never been shy about telling me everything I'm doing wrong. I learned a long time ago not to ask for support or advice. We have a decent relationship, but I don't share anything with her about my marriage or lifestyle unless I really feel I need to. She has learned over the years that if she gets snarky or mean then I cut off contact for awhile.

OP, this is going to be ongoing. You need to dry your eyes and have some serious conversations with your new husband about whatever life you both choose. It's a little concerning that he keeps changing his career path--I can see why your mom would disapprove, but she needs to keep it to herself. She won't, of course. That's why you need to stop sharing it with her. Unless you like all the drama(which I would guess, you don't.)

I would be concerned about you being a pastor's wife, too, since you're not very religious. You realize, of course, that faith is going to be a BIG part of your lives, right? Youth pastoring requires a LOT of time and energy. And it won't be just him--it will take both of you. Many youth pastors have another full-time job. A lot of churches can't afford to pay much or pay benefits. But if you BOTH decide that this is the path for you, it will be very rewarding.

Has he considered being a police chaplain? I knew a youth pastor who did this after several years of youth work. He got kinda burnt out on all the youth drama--it's a very demanding line of work. But he absolutely loved being a police chaplain. He often went out on domestic violence calls and was very good with that kind of crisis. I would think that being an officer and a chaplain would be a great thing.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

First of all, I simply cannot believe your mom is stirring up trouble with your mother-in-law the day after your wedding.

I think you have two options. You can either ignore it, or have an honest conversation with your mom explaining your feelings and how inappropriate her actions have been. Personally, I would choose the latter, but only because I know that's the route that would be most effective with my mother. YMMV.

Sorry you're dealing with this so soon after your wedding. Best wishes, and congratulations on your marriage!

 

[disneyhand]

Staying on good terms w/ your mom is nice, but you must let her know now, very firmly that she has crossed a line. Let her know very politely that she is forcing you to take sides and much as you love her, he is your husband and your future is with him. Put it back on her. Tell her contacting his family is off limits (about this anyway).

Of course you need to support your husbands career choice and either one is very noble. But it would help if he had a career plan laid out that you could share with your mom, to ease her concerns. I think that her behavior is actually just fear. Fear for your future and security. Do what ever you can to set her mind at ease.

Then between you and your husband, set out to prove Mom wrong with your finances. Make sure you have or start a savings account. Live frugally. Can he work for the police department and be a youth pastor? Would a full time (?) youth pastor be paid a decent wage?

Good luck!

 

[mking624]

I totally agree. My mother is a force to be reckoned with and she has never been shy about telling me everything I'm doing wrong. I learned a long time ago not to ask for support or advice. We have a decent relationship, but I don't share anything with her about my marriage or lifestyle unless I really feel I need to. She has learned over the years that if she gets snarky or mean then I cut off contact for awhile.

OP, this is going to be ongoing. You need to dry your eyes and have some serious conversations with your new husband about whatever life you both choose. It's a little concerning that he keeps changing his career path--I can see why your mom would disapprove, but she needs to keep it to herself. She won't, of course. That's why you need to stop sharing it with her. Unless you like all the drama(which I would guess, you don't.)

I would be concerned about you being a pastor's wife, too, since you're not very religious. You realize, of course, that faith is going to be a BIG part of your lives, right? Youth pastoring requires a LOT of time and energy. And it won't be just him--it will take both of you. Many youth pastors have another full-time job. A lot of churches can't afford to pay much or pay benefits. But if you BOTH decide that this is the path for you, it will be very rewarding.

Has he considered being a police chaplain? I knew a youth pastor who did this after several years of youth work. He got kinda burnt out on all the youth drama--it's a very demanding line of work. But he absolutely loved being a police chaplain. He often went out on domestic violence calls and was very good with that kind of crisis. I would think that being an officer and a chaplain would be a great thing.

(Bolding my own) I fully agree. I'm a youth pastor's wife...DH graduated from seminary in May 2008. I, too, would be concerned about someone entering the ministry if BOTH people in the relationship are not fully invested in what the beliefs are all about. If this faith is something you're not committing your life to, it can really damage your husband's ministry...a ministry you'd be a part of. People think being a youth pastor and youth pastor's wife is all fun and games because it's, well, youth. But if this position is taken seriously, it's actually quite a bit of work, and sometimes takes more work than ministering to adults. How your mom is handling this is very wrong...but I do think it's very important for you to sit back and evaluate your views on this. Entering the ministry is not as simple as "oh, I'll support him." It's something to be taken very seriously and that needs your commitment as well. And actually most pastors, whether head or youth, are bivocational. The vast majority of churches in the U.S. are small churches and cannot afford full time salaries. And even if they can, usually it's only for the head pastor. So keep that in mind when considering the ministry.

 

[buckler]

OP - Your signature says you were married yesterday. Why are you here posting?!?! You should be celebrating with your DH

I'm sorry you mother is being such a pain. I do agree with other posters that your DH may need to consider having 2 jobs. Unless you find a church with a huge budget, I doubt the pay for a youth pastor would be that much.

 

[sparklynails23]

First of all, a guy should be on a path to economic solvency before he gets married, but it's too late to really consider that. I would discourage your DH from spending any money on more education (including seminary or police academy) until he spends a little time working in that situation, even as an apprentice or intern. You don't want to plop down 20k or 40k on school only to have your guy change his mind and career path yet again. I also think you should just accept the fact that you will probably need to be the family bread winner. If you don't mind that role, then blow your mom off and pursue that path. Your life ahead will be a challenging one. Good luck.

Your mom is right, but you are young and in love and will not listen to her. She should be wise enough to understand this.

ETA: He would make more as a garbage man than a youth pastor, and there's no school loan for that.

 

[tonilea]

How ever you choose to deal with your mother right now, may set the tone for your marriage. If it were me, I would politely tell her to butt out. I would tell her I love her and want her to be a part of my life, but if she couldn't respect my husband she should follow the old saying "if you don't have anything nice to say...."

As Barney Fife would say, "Nip it. Nip it in the bud!"

 

[bumbershoot]

He's promised no more career changes.

I hope you make him take back that promise. It's ridiculous. There are some people who figure on one thing from very early and stick with it and retire from that one thing...but I think that most people switch around through their lives. It really seems an impossible promise, and he's setting himself up for utter failure with it.


I was "lucky" in that I didn't have to do this, because my mom died before I even met DH. But I know that for my friends who still have moms, they have had to move away from talking about everything with their moms. You're a grownup now, even though when I was your age I was still in college and flailing around in the universe not knowing what on earth was going to happen in my life, and it's time to stop talking about everything with her.

As for her talking to your husband's mom...yeah, that's bad, but what is worse is your MIL actually telling you. She might want to consider keeping that stuff to herself!

You guys are still very young, and it seems extremely newly married. Give yourselves time to figure out your lives, and forget about what your parents might think of careers.

 

[mking624]

ETA: He would make more as a garbage man than a youth pastor, and there's no school loan for that.

If the concern is about how much money someone would make when it comes to choosing to be in the ministry...my advice would be to stay far away from the ministry. Following God's call to enter the ministry should never be about the money. While I understand you need the money to survive, it should never be a thing where you're saying "well, I can do God's work or make more money in a secular position." If you really have to look at it this way, you don't belong in the ministry. I'm really not trying to be mean...but I see so many churches damaged because of people who enter the ministry who really don't belong there and just view it as a career choice rather than a calling from God that they are following. Pastoring is definitely no get rich quick scheme (and it's a hard, thankless job most of the time)...it's one where your faith, heart, and life need to be completely committed to, even if some need to take on another job to make ends meet.

As far as school loans, it depends on the school. The seminary DH attended did not allow financial aid. It was a separation of church and state...and if financial aid was allowed, the government had the right to have a say in what was being taught. It might have been a bit of a struggle each semester to pay tuition, but it was awesome not worrying about any loan to pay off when he graduated.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

A. You stop talking to her about your personal business.

B. When she asks about your personal business, you offer nothing. You stay aloof with "I don't know", "none of your business", etc.

C. You stop talking to YOUR family about your personal business.

I do have to agree with the others that you being "not religious" is a real problem. And the fact your dh is not looking to support a family but pursuing his "dream" is not a good thing for a marriage because you are going to be in conflict with him. Frankly, it sounds like he was not ready for marriage.

While your mother may be a jerk about things she has a grain of truth in there.

In the end, my advice is for you to end your conversations with your family over your personal business. Tell them you are no longer going to be discussing it with them. If your moms lays into you then hang up on her or distance yourself if she won't respect you.

Good Luck to you. I am not religious either and I would consider this a deal breaker for me. I couldn't do it.

 

[Rora]

Thanks for all the replies. I've read them all and found really good points in each. I'm trying to deal with the many aspects brought up in your responses.. but DH and I are now off to the airport for our honeymoon where I will pretend none of this is a problem!

Please feel free to keep responding.. Thanks again everyone.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for all the replies. I've read them all and found really good points in each. I'm trying to deal with the many aspects brought up in your responses.. but DH and I are now off to the airport for our honeymoon where I will pretend none of this is a problem!

Please feel free to keep responding.. Thanks again everyone.

Have a great honeymoon and stop thinking about your family.

 

[Rora]

How was your wedding!!!!!???????

It was really great! We had a wonderful time!! Thanks for asking!

Have a great honeymoon and stop thinking about your family.

Thanks!!!

 

[jen0610]

I would be concerned about you being a pastor's wife, too, since you're not very religious. You realize, of course, that faith is going to be a BIG part of your lives, right? Youth pastoring requires a LOT of time and energy. And it won't be just him--it will take both of you. Many youth pastors have another full-time job. A lot of churches can't afford to pay much or pay benefits. But if you BOTH decide that this is the path for you, it will be very rewarding.

Has he considered being a police chaplain? I knew a youth pastor who did this after several years of youth work. He got kinda burnt out on all the youth drama--it's a very demanding line of work. But he absolutely loved being a police chaplain. He often went out on domestic violence calls and was very good with that kind of crisis. I would think that being an officer and a chaplain would be a great thing.

(Bolding my own) I fully agree. I'm a youth pastor's wife...DH graduated from seminary in May 2008. I, too, would be concerned about someone entering the ministry if BOTH people in the relationship are not fully invested in what the beliefs are all about. If this faith is something you're not committing your life to, it can really damage your husband's ministry...a ministry you'd be a part of. People think being a youth pastor and youth pastor's wife is all fun and games because it's, well, youth. But if this position is taken seriously, it's actually quite a bit of work, and sometimes takes more work than ministering to adults. How your mom is handling this is very wrong...but I do think it's very important for you to sit back and evaluate your views on this. Entering the ministry is not as simple as "oh, I'll support him." It's something to be taken very seriously and that needs your commitment as well. And actually most pastors, whether head or youth, are bivocational. The vast majority of churches in the U.S. are small churches and cannot afford full time salaries. And even if they can, usually it's only for the head pastor. So keep that in mind when considering the ministry.

To support the above.

The pastor that I grew up with was on a path to becoming a teacher. Actually was teaching when, he felt the need to answer a calling to become a pator. His wife, like you, wasn't overly religious and wasn't overly thrilled with the thought of being a pastors wife, but felt that she could live with it because she loved him.

She got thru his seminary schooling and his first year with his first church, when she woke up to the fact that she HATED being a pastors wife. This was not HER calling. It wasn't long after that they were divorced - hating to say this just after your wedding. BUT, this is a LIFE decision that you and he needed to make together. IT EFFECTS BOTH OF YOU. You need to be happy and fulfilled in life, as does your DH. The life of a pasters wife, may not work for you.

My pastors wife lead him to believe that she was as committed to him being a pastor as he was. When in fact, she resented all the time he gave to the members of the church. Plans to go out to dinner and a movie put to the side, as he had to go to hospital and see Mrs Ava thru her passing. Couldn't go home to her folks for Christmas or Easter, he HAD to be home for the church. And her resentment killed what love she had for him.

While my pastor did move on with his life, married a wonderful woman who was as moved to the calling has he was, his ex's bitterness rubbed off on their two sons. One has very little to do with his "bible beating" father and the other that came to live with him as a troubled teen and over came his moms point of views of the church and is currently following in his dads footsteps as a pastor.

You and DH, once your back and settled in, need to talk - SERIOUSLY TALK - about what you each want out of life. You and he need to talk to his pastor and their spouce, they'll be a good sounding board for the good, the bad, and the ugly of what you will be faced with. I would even go as far a you speaking with the spouce alone. They will know first hand what you could be faced with.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, so many issues here that it makes one heads spin!!!!

I'll try to break it down...

1. Religion.... HUGE.... Catholic/NON-Catholic.... you really should have seen this one coming.

2. Personal boundaries - There don't seem to be any.

3. Your mother's control issues - why are you allowing/enabling this.


I know it hurts, but you really have ended up in a position where you will have to make a choice between your Husband and your mother/family. I know that you want 'both'.... but, I don't see this as happening anytime soon....

You asked for 'advice on how to handle your mother'. (There is really a LOT more going on here than your mother)
My advice:

If you are as committed to your husband as you seem to be, then you really need to draw some big lines and retreat... You really need to pull back from your mother and your family. If she loves you and wants you in her life, she may eventually begin to come around... Maybe not... But, you need a new status-quo.

My DH made the mistake of placing too much of a priority on his parents (only son, WAY overinvolved). They never accepted me... treated me with complete disrespect, ect. Having BTDT, I can only say to anyone in these situations, DO NOT put your spouse in that position.

PS: it looks like there are some big things you need to work thru with yourself and with your husband as well....
You are at a real crossroads here, and you need to make the right decisions! LIFE decisions....

 

[Rora]

To support the above.

The pastor that I grew up with was on a path to becoming a teacher. Actually was teaching when, he felt the need to answer a calling to become a pator. His wife, like you, wasn't overly religious and wasn't overly thrilled with the thought of being a pastors wife, but felt that she could live with it because she loved him.

She got thru his seminary schooling and his first year with his first church, when she woke up to the fact that she HATED being a pastors wife. This was not HER calling. It wasn't long after that they were divorced - hating to say this just after your wedding. BUT, this is a LIFE decision that you and he needed to make together. IT EFFECTS BOTH OF YOU. You need to be happy and fulfilled in life, as does your DH. The life of a pasters wife, may not work for you.

My pastors wife lead him to believe that she was as committed to him being a pastor as he was. When in fact, she resented all the time he gave to the members of the church. Plans to go out to dinner and a movie put to the side, as he had to go to hospital and see Mrs Ava thru her passing. Couldn't go home to her folks for Christmas or Easter, he HAD to be home for the church. And her resentment killed what love she had for him.

While my pastor did move on with his life, married a wonderful woman who was as moved to the calling has he was, his ex's bitterness rubbed off on their two sons. One has very little to do with his "bible beating" father and the other that came to live with him as a troubled teen and over came his moms point of views of the church and is currently following in his dads footsteps as a pastor.

You and DH, once your back and settled in, need to talk - SERIOUSLY TALK - about what you each want out of life. You and he need to talk to his pastor and their spouce, they'll be a good sounding board for the good, the bad, and the ugly of what you will be faced with. I would even go as far a you speaking with the spouce alone. They will know first hand what you could be faced with.

This is honestly what I'm scared is going to happen with us. I want to be with him more than anything because I love him. I don't know if I could live as a Pastor's Wife because to be frank, I don't really know anything about them or their lives.

DH and I have been talking about this and he says that it will always be family first, then work (just like any other job, although this isn't just "any other job", IMO), he thinks this is wonderful for us because we'll hopefully be able to work together everyday (I'd love to help out at the Church with the Youth/ kids-- I'm a teacher), etc. But I'm just scared about finances, him becoming a different person, and being lonely.

Not quite sure what to do..I can't express how much I want to be with him. He is the love of my life. I guess I can't know if I'll enjoy being a Pastor's Wife until it happens but I don't want to make a mistake that will hurt both of us. I feel entirely stuck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't know if I could live as a Pastor's Wife.....

(just like any other job, although this isn't just "any other job", IMO), HE thinks this is wonderful for us because we'll hopefully be able to work together everyday....

I'm just scared about finances, him becoming a different person, and being lonely.

I don't want to make a mistake that will hurt both of us. I feel entirely stuck.

Rora,

We don't personally know you and your situation... And, it is hard to give advice... But, as many of you DISer's know, I am pretty expressive and am free with my thoughts... SO, here goes.

Look at the above... especially the bold-underlined.
I think you need to listen to your own inner self.
I see true and valid points to each and every concern that you have mentioned here.

Being a pastor, even just a youth pastor, is not just a job... It is a 'life'. You are correct in that...

I noticed that you said 'HE' would be happy for you to be working together... That says a lot... Not only would you be involved just by being the 'wife'... I think he sees you involved in 'working' with him... it would be 'your' job too.

It is also true that the influences of being involved in a religious church like this can be VERY strong, and you could see your husband change...

Also, you are a teacher, working thru the week...
Your husband would be working evenings and weekends... I don't see loneliness as the only concern here... there could be a real break in your personal connection when you have no real time together.

These are just my thoughts....

Nobody on a chat-board can really tell you how to move forward...
But, these are my thoughts.

I can only send best wishes and