Need advice: BiPolar/Addictive Personality Disorder

[ColinCodyMom]

Hi everyone.
DH was diagnosed bipolar years ago and since then, he has had doctors say they don't believe he is. At the time of diagnosis, he drank himself into a coma and ended up intubated in the ICU. Since then, he has overdosed on motrin (A LOT of it), taken my dead grandfather's morphine he found in a closet during our family vacation which required hospitalization, has lost his job for smoking "not cigarettes" daily, sneaks cigarettes constantly from friends although he knows with our kids having asthma that I am completely against it. He's stolen pills from my mom's bedroom. He's racked up $7500 in snap on bills at previous jobs. He's compulsive with everything. Nothing is ever a small amount with him. Now, he's gotten to the point where he stays in our bedroom, has an attitude with everyone, and he doesn't even eat dinner with us at the table anymore. He blames me for "being his mother" and frankly I'm tired of it. He refuses to find a job and even sabotaged his latest because he didn't feel like working. He quit his job with benefits a year ago so we don't have insurance. Honestly, I'm at the end of the rope here. I've heard such horror stories about the courts giving partial custody to unfit parents which is the only reason I am still trying to deal with this. I would much rather let things go at this point. Over the past fourteen years, so much has happened and I don't know what else to do. I'm hoping someone has had experience with this type of thing and can let me know what to do next. I can't "end" things knowing he might get our children for any amount of time. He's that unstable. I don't even like letting him drive them to school. I know they are feeling the effects of it, but I can't let them be with him alone knowing what he is capable of. He has refused to put us first for years. Now, I'm depressed and I don't think most people realize how hard this type of behavior is on families! It's truly awful. Thanks for letting me vent. I could use some advice. Thanks for listening.

 

[npmommie]

Is he on medication for the bipolar diagnosis? what did they put him on?
has he sought treatment such as AA? sounds like he has issues with "substances"
something like AA may help him if he is willing to try to control this.
these things are hard on families.

 

[ColinCodyMom]

Yeah, he's been admitted to the psych ward before when he's overdosed. He's been on depakote, abilify and zoloft. But, he doesn't take his meds consistently and no matter what I do, he won't. I feel like it's his responsibility now. He refuses, but he's an adult. There's not much else I can do. He's been doing that for years. Thanks for the reply.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

You could be describing my younger brother. The harsh reality is that he is in deep doo. He will end up in jail or worse, and there is almost nothing that you can do to stop that. My parents went completely broke trying to help my brother. Nothing helped.

I feel your pain. My brother was my best friend in the world and he disappeared off the face of the Earth about 5 years ago. We have no idea if he is even alive.

 

[ColinCodyMom]

You could be describing my younger brother. The harsh reality is that he is in deep doo. He will end up in jail or worse, and there is almost nothing that you can do to stop that. My parents went completely broke trying to help my brother. Nothing helped.

I feel your pain. My brother was my best friend in the world and he disappeared off the face of the Earth about 5 years ago. We have no idea if he is even alive.

I'm so sorry about your brother! Yeah, it's like he's deliberately trying to destroy his life. I honestly have tried so many times, but I can't do it anymore. It doesn't help. Nothing helps. And I just keep feeling worse and worse. I hope your brother has found peace wherever he is.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow. I don't know what to say to you.

I understand the fear of him being able to have the kids alone with visitation.

Does he threaten you or the kids? Do the kids feel "safe" around him?
Is he a participant in breaking down your children? Like oppressive in the home?

I can look at it from both sides. My dh grew up with schizophrenic mother and my cousins grew up with a bipolar father who damaged them for life.

It is hard to say what you should do. What effect is he on your children now? When they are teens all hell may break loose if they are holding resentment, from depression themselves to acting out.

I don't know anything about divorcing and keeping away someone mentally ill or how to even go about that. It maybe possible to do that. I am not sure though.

 

[DizBelle]

OP - I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Have you talked to a lawyer to see what the real chances of him getting unsupervised visitation with the kids is?

 

[ColinCodyMom]

Wow. I don't know what to say to you.

I understand the fear of him being able to have the kids alone with visitation.

Does he threaten you or the kids? Do the kids feel "safe" around him?
Is he a participant in breaking down your children? Like oppressive in the home?

I can look at it from both sides. My dh grew up with schizophrenic mother and my cousins grew up with a bipolar father who damaged them for life.

It is hard to say what you should do. What effect is he on your children now? When they are teens all hell may break loose if they are holding resentment, from depression themselves to acting out.

I don't know anything about divorcing and keeping away someone mentally ill or how to even go about that. It maybe possible to do that. I am not sure though.

He doesn't threaten the kids but they really can't stand him right now. They have said to me "mom you made the wrong choice; how could you marry someone like that" and I agree. I never would have. They are miserable when he is around. He has a major attitude. He didn't have the best of childhoods (wasn't abused physically) but sometimes I take the kids and leave just so we don't have to be here with him. My youngest has screaming fits which I believe is because of all of this. It's terrible on all of us. Thanks for the good thoughts. I could use them!

OP - I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Have you talked to a lawyer to see what the real chances of him getting unsupervised visitation with the kids is?

My uncle is a lawyer. The problem is I know personally of situations in which an abusive man is allowed partial custody of the kids he torments. I think there are loop holes in the courts and I can't risk that. I have been in counseling because I now have anxiety and depression (big surprise) and the counselor says with police reports (him kicking down doors) and his psych history, it shouldn't happen but I know that it does. If I could see the future and knew that there was no chance he could get my kids, today would be the end. But, I don't know what the future holds. It's scary. Thanks.

 

[Handbag Lady]

He doesn't threaten the kids but they really can't stand him right now. They have said to me "mom you made the wrong choice; how could you marry someone like that" and I agree. I never would have. They are miserable when he is around. He has a major attitude. He didn't have the best of childhoods (wasn't abused physically) but sometimes I take the kids and leave just so we don't have to be here with him. My youngest has screaming fits which I believe is because of all of this. It's terrible on all of us. Thanks for the good thoughts. I could use them!



My uncle is a lawyer. The problem is I know personally of situations in which an abusive man is allowed partial custody of the kids he torments. I think there are loop holes in the courts and I can't risk that. I have been in counseling because I now have anxiety and depression (big surprise) and the counselor says with police reports (him kicking down doors) and his psych history, it shouldn't happen but I know that it does. If I could see the future and knew that there was no chance he could get my kids, today would be the end. But, I don't know what the future holds. It's scary. Thanks.

It seems to me that getting out is the safe thing to do now, from reading what you wrote. Then, I would fight tooth and nail in the courts to disallow unsupervised visits. Can you start building your case now? Get copies of everything, document when he doesn't take his meds, etc.

I am sorry.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I am in Michigan as well and went through something kind of similar. Ex- Husband suffers from chronic depression. He has not had as many episodes as your husband has had and he was granted only supervised visitation with our son for the last 2 years.
Document everything! Consult a good lawyer as soon as possible. I have been where you are and I know how difficult it can be. Think of your childrend and think of yourself. Plan, plan, plan. You and your children will be so much better off on your own.

 

[puffkin]

Do you think he would fight for unsupervised visits?

I would definitely talk to a family law lawyer about his chances of getting that. I know this is sad, but it might be a relief to him to not have a family to deal with and he might not even want the visitation, or be happy with a few supervised visits. I really think you need to seek a lawyers advice now (and make sure you go to a lawyer specializing in family law). You might be damaging the kids more by staying with him!

 

[dakcp2001]

I do not know what statre you are in, but can you have him commited? It is called a section 12 in my state, where they get checked in and evaluated for three days and then the hosptial decides if they need to keep him longer (sounds like they do) part of mentall illness is thinking they dont have one, and they never take their meds! Then they self medicate to feel better. It really is a vicious cycle, and it is damaging to all of you.

He needs help, and you need to keep yourself and your children safe until he gets it. Not just physical damage here, but definatley emotional damage. It is impossible to live with someone like that, I know from personal experience. Living with the insane or mentally ill will make you and your kids feel crazy.

He needs help, can you call his doctor or the National Institue of Mental Health? Call the state dept of mental health, the local er, someone will find you help! They will help you get him help, it sounds like you need some access to resources here. Good luck, it is so draining and exhausting to deal with these people!

 

[ColinCodyMom]

It seems to me that getting out is the safe thing to do now, from reading what you wrote. Then, I would fight tooth and nail in the courts to disallow unsupervised visits. Can you start building your case now? Get copies of everything, document when he doesn't take his meds, etc.

I am sorry.

I will definitely document. I have obtained police reports from incidents and some medical reports just to show substance abuse. I'll document anything I can if it means keeping my kids safe.

I am in Michigan as well and went through something kind of similar. Ex- Husband suffers from chronic depression. He has not had as many episodes as your husband has had and he was granted only supervised visitation with our son for the last 2 years.
Document everything! Consult a good lawyer as soon as possible. I have been where you are and I know how difficult it can be. Think of your childrend and think of yourself. Plan, plan, plan. You and your children will be so much better off on your own.

Supervised visitation is acceptable. But, giving them up for a weekend or once a week even unsupervised is something I can't do. I am a little more relieved to hear your story being from Michigan so thank you for that. I am beginning to see clearly that we need to be on our own. I'm finishing a degree right now amongst all of this and I'll graduate in December. At least there is an end in sight and I will be better able to provide for us. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it!

Do you think he would fight for unsupervised visits?

I would definitely talk to a family law lawyer about his chances of getting that. I know this is sad, but it might be a relief to him to not have a family to deal with and he might not even want the visitation, or be happy with a few supervised visits. I really think you need to seek a lawyers advice now (and make sure you go to a lawyer specializing in family law). You might be damaging the kids more by staying with him!

You know, I keep saying that he is acting like he wants to be alone. I completely agree with that but I also think that he would be so angry with me because of the way he is right now that he would fight me just to fight me. I know the kids aren't okay with him; but I also know they won't be okay with him alone even more so than now. That is why I'm having such a hard time. If the courts allow children to stay with parents even overnight that are abusive, I can't even imagine... It's a messed up system. But thank you for the advice! You have no idea how helpful all of this is for me. I feel so alone!

I do not know what statre you are in, but can you have him commited? It is called a section 12 in my state, where they get checked in and evaluated for three days and then the hosptial decides if they need to keep him longer (sounds like they do) part of mentall illness is thinking they dont have one, and they never take their meds! Then they self medicate to feel better. It really is a vicious cycle, and it is damaging to all of you.

He needs help, and you need to keep yourself and your children safe until he gets it. Not just physical damage here, but definatley emotional damage. It is impossible to live with someone like that, I know from personal experience. Living with the insane or mentally ill will make you and your kids feel crazy.

He needs help, can you call his doctor or the National Institue of Mental Health? Call the state dept of mental health, the local er, someone will find you help! They will help you get him help, it sounds like you need some access to resources here. Good luck, it is so draining and exhausting to deal with these people!

Yeah, we are in Michigan and he has been involuntarily committed for three days before. That alone should mean he doesn't get them on his own but I don't trust this system. You are right. It is emotional turmoil and it is devastating. His doctor is all to familiar with what he does but without insurance, I'm not sure what we can do now. I do need access to resources though. I need to look into it. It's getting worse everyday. Thanks to you all for being a tremendous help!

 

[ColinCodyMom]

Ughhh. We went to pick my son up from the bus stop today and we walked so I suggested bringing the dog. Well, the dog did her business on a neighbor's lawn and DH decided it was my fault he had to pick it up and not leave it there so he's had an attitude ever since! I really wish he'd start acting his age. How can it be my fault the dog did her business? This is crazy! I don't even recognize this person anymore.

 

[Robinrs]

If you have medical proof of his instability no court in the world will grant him custody. Get legal advice and find an escape route. There is no cure for what he has and the world doesn't make it a problem until a catastrophe happens.

My ex was diagnosed when my son was 3 months old. I'm sorry, I got away from him. Too many times people in this condition will hurt someone they even love and get away with it. He even beat up his own beloved mother.

My son is now 17. My ex is okay when he's on his meds but who can force a 40 something man to take them? And NO they will not commit them, the state will not pay for it and who can afford it. They told me he'd have to do something before they could commit him. He was committed for a few weeks after the incident with his mother... I will not put myself in that position, and definitely not my son.

Get professional advice. I had to talk to counselors, doctors, lawyers and social workers but my talk with God got me out. My son is a wonderful, together young man because I protected him from this man. His family is still suffering with him. He spends most of his time conniving ways to hurt people, I can't live with that, I hope your experience is not like mine. He is not the man you know, I had to realize I had buried the man I knew and he was still walking the earth. Not a good feeling.

God bless

 

[ColinCodyMom]

If you have medical proof of his instability no court in the world will grant him custody. Get legal advice and find an escape route. There is no cure for what he has and the world doesn't make it a problem until a catastrophe happens.

My ex was diagnosed when my son was 3 months old. I'm sorry, I got away from him. Too many times people in this condition will hurt someone they even love and get away with it. He even beat up his own beloved mother.

My son is now 17. My ex is okay when he's on his meds but who can force a 40 something man to take them? And NO they will not commit them, the state will not pay for it and who can afford it. They told me he'd have to do something before they could commit him. He was committed for a few weeks after the incident with his mother... I will not put myself in that position, and definitely not my son.

Get professional advice. I had to talk to counselors, doctors, lawyers and social workers but my talk with God got me out. My son is a wonderful, together young man because I protected him from this man. His family is still suffering with him. He spends most of his time conniving ways to hurt people, I can't live with that, I hope your experience is not like mine. He is not the man you know, I had to realize I had buried the man I knew and he was still walking the earth. Not a good feeling.

God bless

What type of medical documentation would be sufficient? Are medical records even admissable? Why am I thinking that there is doctor-patient confidentiality? I have the papers from the psych stay and I have discharge papers and such as well as the police report when he kicked down the door. But what would I need to absolutely ensure that he doesn't get his hands on my kids? Thanks, by the way, for your story! I see it's a never ending circle!

 

[ColinCodyMom]

Just wanted to personally thank all of the people who took the time to give me a little advice. I have a lot of thinking to do and I need to check into some things. It is time for me to do things for myself. I appreciate the help.

 

[Ember]

OP, in case no one has told you in a while, you are doing an amazing job. You are holding your family together in impossible circumstances and finishing school at the same to be better able to support them. You deserve a standing ovation for your efforts.

I agree with other posters that you need to be out of this situation. The horrible truth is that he could do something to hurt someone whether you're there to see it or not. DH's adoptive sister is bipolar and once took her one year old child out in the freezing weather in the middle of the night when her husband was sleeping. The child was wearing nothing but jammies and she took him sledding! She didn't mean to hurt him, she just didn't understand why what she was doing was dangerous. (He was okay, and she was committed to the hospital.) My point is that just because you're in the house, it's no guarantee that everyone is safe. It sounds like it would better to be living apart from this man.

 

[ColinCodyMom]

OP, in case no one has told you in a while, you are doing an amazing job. You are holding your family together in impossible circumstances and finishing school at the same to be better able to support them. You deserve a standing ovation for your efforts.

I agree with other posters that you need to be out of this situation. The horrible truth is that he could do something to hurt someone whether you're there to see it or not. DH's adoptive sister is bipolar and once took her one year old child out in the freezing weather in the middle of the night when her husband was sleeping. The child was wearing nothing but jammies and she took him sledding! She didn't mean to hurt him, she just didn't understand why what she was doing was dangerous. (He was okay, and she was committed to the hospital.) My point is that just because you're in the house, it's no guarantee that everyone is safe. It sounds like it would better to be living apart from this man.

Thank you for that! Somedays, it's hard to get out of bed never knowing what the day holds. I've managed to arrange my schedule so that I am gone when the kids are gone. DH had a terrible attitude at dinner tonight (the one time he actually joined us and he ended up storming off). I have no idea what happened to him; he wasn't that person when we met. I keep wondering where I went wrong. I know I didn't do this but we don't deserve it. I hope to find some encouraging information somewhere about the likelihood that he wouldn't get any sort of unsupervised visitation. Really, that is my biggest fear. I truly appreciate your kind words! Thank you.

 

[Mickey527]

OP, my son is going through the same thing right now.
His ex wife is bipolar but here in CT unless she hurts someone or herself they can't hold her anywhere. Her parents threw her out about 3 months ago and she has been banned from every shelter in the surrounding 4 citys because of her actions during night stays.
He has full custody with supervised visitations with him as the person doing the supervision, but he can't let her come here anymore because she causes such trouble that he has had to call the police every time she visited the past 6 times. Now she just calls to talk to my grandson, about 5-10 times a day, mostly at 1 am when they are sleeping. then she calls the police complaining that the custody papers say she can talk to her son daily and my son won't let her. So of course the police come and tell us she complained but he shows the call log and when she calls.
He has had 2 complaints to DCF by her but they know her and won't come to the house anymore. DCF was the ones who told my son to not allow her to be around my grandson anymore unless she gets help. they won't get involved with supervising the visitations unless she hurts their son since he is not considered in danger.
My grandson is 4 years old and she has had bipolar episoded 3 times. Each time my son gets full custody. then after about 6 months of her being out on the streets she gets admitted to the hospital. The last time she was held for 3 months, the Dr had to go to court to keep her in every 10 days. when she is released her first visit is to the courts where she shows documentation that she is cleared and they give her joint custody again. The she stops taking her meds and the cycle begins again.
My worst fear is that this disease has been found to be hereditary so I will be watching for signs with my grandson and will help my son to get him the help he needs if he ever does.
But every day my grandson tells me how much he misses his mommy. That is the hardest, he does love her and doesn't understand why she can't come over. What can you tell a 4 year old?