Need advice: BiPolar/Addictive Personality Disorder

[The Mystery Machine]

But every day my grandson tells me how much he misses his mommy. That is the hardest, he does love her and doesn't understand why she can't come over. What can you tell a 4 year old?

Your story is heartbreaking.

Here is what we told our kids about my MIL who is schizophrenic, that her brain is sick. We kept the info age appropriate so they were able to understand why they can't see MIL right now.

Now of course this was not their mother however kids need to have the info otherwise they begin to think other things like mommy does not love me, I'm bad, etc.

They need to be able to express their frustration and sadness while at the same time discussing "brain sickness".

 

[ColinCodyMom]

OP, my son is going through the same thing right now.
His ex wife is bipolar but here in CT unless she hurts someone or herself they can't hold her anywhere. Her parents threw her out about 3 months ago and she has been banned from every shelter in the surrounding 4 citys because of her actions during night stays.
He has full custody with supervised visitations with him as the person doing the supervision, but he can't let her come here anymore because she causes such trouble that he has had to call the police every time she visited the past 6 times. Now she just calls to talk to my grandson, about 5-10 times a day, mostly at 1 am when they are sleeping. then she calls the police complaining that the custody papers say she can talk to her son daily and my son won't let her. So of course the police come and tell us she complained but he shows the call log and when she calls.
He has had 2 complaints to DCF by her but they know her and won't come to the house anymore. DCF was the ones who told my son to not allow her to be around my grandson anymore unless she gets help. they won't get involved with supervising the visitations unless she hurts their son since he is not considered in danger.
My grandson is 4 years old and she has had bipolar episoded 3 times. Each time my son gets full custody. then after about 6 months of her being out on the streets she gets admitted to the hospital. The last time she was held for 3 months, the Dr had to go to court to keep her in every 10 days. when she is released her first visit is to the courts where she shows documentation that she is cleared and they give her joint custody again. The she stops taking her meds and the cycle begins again.
My worst fear is that this disease has been found to be hereditary so I will be watching for signs with my grandson and will help my son to get him the help he needs if he ever does.
But every day my grandson tells me how much he misses his mommy. That is the hardest, he does love her and doesn't understand why she can't come over. What can you tell a 4 year old?

Hugs to you. That's really tough. I worry about how it affects our kids everyday. It is hereditary in a lot of instances and I carefully watch as well. I'm hoping that it won't happen, of course. Thank you for your story. I wish you all the best!

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I turned over every peice of medical documentation I had, plus detailed descriptions of my ex-husbands behavior with dates and times to my attorney. So yes, medical records, when a child's safety is involved is definately admissable. My ex never was physical towards me or my son but his behavior was unpredictable and self damaging,that was enough to convince the judge that only supervised visitation could be allowed.

Hang in there. You can get through this and you will be happy again.
Believe in yourself. You have more strength than you know!

 

[ColinCodyMom]

I turned over every peice of medical documentation I had, plus detailed descriptions of my ex-husbands behavior with dates and times to my attorney. So yes, medical records, when a child's safety is involved is definately admissable. My ex never was physical towards me or my son but his behavior was unpredictable and self damaging,that was enough to convince the judge that only supervised visitation could be allowed.

Hang in there. You can get through this and you will be happy again.
Believe in yourself. You have more strength than you know!

You see, that is exactly how I feel. My DH has never been physical with me or our children. It is all about being unstable and unpredictable. I will begin documenting and along with everything else I have gathered, I'm hoping that will help us! Thank you for your input!!

 

[cabanafrau]

You have been given excellent advice to document history. As far as what documentation you will be able to procure, it's very difficult to say. You need to talk to an attorney. I know you said your uncle is an attorney & he has advised you, but I'd hazard a guess he is either not a family law attorney, or he is simply not a shark. If your uncle is in family law & doesn't seem confident he can help you, beat the bushes & find the shark in your area.

You need to get on this, particularly because of your children. The instability you describe is dangerous to all of you, and you can find yourself explaining to Protective Services workers why you failed to protect should there be an incident where they then become involved. Failure to protect would be a reason why your children could be kept from YOU, and it does happen to families all of the time. You may be advised by your attorney to get a restraining order. It may not help against someone with your DH's issues, but it will be something to be taken seriously by the authorities that you are in fact attempting to protect your children and yourself.

Your DH has some chronic mental illnesses that will require him to be in lifelong treatment. He may not have bi-polar, but there are a myriad of other diagnoses out there which may apply. You should be able to obtain a supervised parenting time order at some point, hopefully with permanent provisions that DH must prove compliance with treatment and medications and drug screens in order to maintain parenting time, supervised or unsupervised. Hopefully with those provisions in place you may be able to move to a point where he can indeed have unsupervised parenting time -- in the future.

Very best of luck to you and your kids.

 

[Trish Bessette]

I just want you to know that I am proud of you and wish you the very best. As tough of a situation this is, you are a strong, smart, protective Mom who I know will get through this and be able to live a happy life that you deserve!

Like another said - get a good attorney!!! NOW!

 

[ColinCodyMom]

You have been given excellent advice to document history. As far as what documentation you will be able to procure, it's very difficult to say. You need to talk to an attorney. I know you said your uncle is an attorney & he has advised you, but I'd hazard a guess he is either not a family law attorney, or he is simply not a shark. If your uncle is in family law & doesn't seem confident he can help you, beat the bushes & find the shark in your area.

You need to get on this, particularly because of your children. The instability you describe is dangerous to all of you, and you can find yourself explaining to Protective Services workers why you failed to protect should there be an incident where they then become involved. Failure to protect would be a reason why your children could be kept from YOU, and it does happen to families all of the time. You may be advised by your attorney to get a restraining order. It may not help against someone with your DH's issues, but it will be something to be taken seriously by the authorities that you are in fact attempting to protect your children and yourself.

Your DH has some chronic mental illnesses that will require him to be in lifelong treatment. He may not have bi-polar, but there are a myriad of other diagnoses out there which may apply. You should be able to obtain a supervised parenting time order at some point, hopefully with permanent provisions that DH must prove compliance with treatment and medications and drug screens in order to maintain parenting time, supervised or unsupervised. Hopefully with those provisions in place you may be able to move to a point where he can indeed have unsupervised parenting time -- in the future.

Very best of luck to you and your kids.

No, my uncle isn't a family law attorney. There are those in his practice who are, but I wouldn't do that anyway. I won't mix family in that. As for protecting my kids, that is what I am trying to do every second of every day. The reason things are the way they are is so that I can ensure that he doesn't have them alone. He is unstable, yes, and he has not been abusive physically to me or to them ever. He only wants to hurt himself when he takes pills, etc. The kids had a good relationship with him before he withdrew himself from everything. He needs help and I know that. He has some type of mental disability that needs addressed. I would never put my children in harms way. All I've done is protect them and I will continue to do so. There are many, many people who have depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and they are not kept from their children. The fact that someone could take my children from me somehow doesn't seem right. A good portion of people in the country are "unstable" in some way, especially with the economy right now. It's tough.

 

[ColinCodyMom]

I just want you to know that I am proud of you and wish you the very best. As tough of a situation this is, you are a strong, smart, protective Mom who I know will get through this and be able to live a happy life that you deserve!

Like another said - get a good attorney!!! NOW!

Thank you for this! The kind words help tremendously.

 

[Jewel1310]

CCMom. I can totally understand much of your feelings. I stayed a long time in a difficult situation because I wasn't sure how to leave and make sure the kids were safe. I wish I had an answer for you. My kids would say I stayed too long (my son told me that recently as a matter of fact) but I don't know what would have been.

I just wanted you to know that I understand the hard decision you are facing. Talking to a lawyer won't cause any harm and would allow you to prepare at the very least.

 

[ColinCodyMom]

CCMom. I can totally understand much of your feelings. I stayed a long time in a difficult situation because I wasn't sure how to leave and make sure the kids were safe. I wish I had an answer for you. My kids would say I stayed too long (my son told me that recently as a matter of fact) but I don't know what would have been.

I just wanted you to know that I understand the hard decision you are facing. Talking to a lawyer won't cause any harm and would allow you to prepare at the very least.

You are absolutely right as were all of the others. It won't hurt to talk to someone and get some advice. Thank you for the kind words! I appreciate it more than you know.

 

[ginna74]

ccmom Being bipolar here, If I don't take my meds when I should there is definitely a change in my moods. I have been admitted because I wasn't taking them right. I don't want to make excuses for my behavior and moods but I have to take them. I will always have to take them. My grandmother is schizophrenic in a very bad way and my mother has been on meds for depression but is currently not so mental illness is a pattern in our family. I remember listening to my doc say as someone else mentioned it too in this thread that people take their meds and feel they are ok so they stop, and that is the worse thing that a person who needs the meds can do. I don't think you will be able to make him get the help he needs. It has to come from within himself and until he wants too, until he figures it out, you will not be able to help him. He has to want it, and it sounds like he isn't ready to want to help himself. As people have already said, if you are planning a divorce, get a lawyer. Medical documentation is admissible if gotten through the right channels and lets say not in your own records. If he is that unstable you most certainly will get the kids. Being unstable can hurt the kids. They don't forget that they saw mommy or daddy crying all the time or that mommy or daddy was really mean and withdrawn. They don't forget these things and they can internalize it or blame themselves, for the rest of their lives.I have put my family through a lot myself and I know it could happen if I were to stop my meds and theropy. I know you are serious about this and as you should be. People tend to think if a disease is invisible you don't have one. But mental illness can reek havoc on families and tear them apart. Again hugssss to you and thinking of you and your kids. sorry this was so long..

 

[ColinCodyMom]

ccmom Being bipolar here, If I don't take my meds when I should there is definitely a change in my moods. I have been admitted because I wasn't taking them right. I don't want to make excuses for my behavior and moods but I have to take them. I will always have to take them. My grandmother is schizophrenic in a very bad way and my mother has been on meds for depression but is currently not so mental illness is a pattern in our family. I remember listening to my doc say as someone else mentioned it too in this thread that people take their meds and feel they are ok so they stop, and that is the worse thing that a person who needs the meds can do. I don't think you will be able to make him get the help he needs. It has to come from within himself and until he wants too, until he figures it out, you will not be able to help him. He has to want it, and it sounds like he isn't ready to want to help himself. As people have already said, if you are planning a divorce, get a lawyer. Medical documentation is admissible if gotten through the right channels and lets say not in your own records. If he is that unstable you most certainly will get the kids. Being unstable can hurt the kids. They don't forget that they saw mommy or daddy crying all the time or that mommy or daddy was really mean and withdrawn. They don't forget these things and they can internalize it or blame themselves, for the rest of their lives.I have put my family through a lot myself and I know it could happen if I were to stop my meds and theropy. I know you are serious about this and as you should be. People tend to think if a disease is invisible you don't have one. But mental illness can reek havoc on families and tear them apart. Again hugssss to you and thinking of you and your kids. sorry this was so long..

WOW!! Thank you for that perspective. I know it is a hard thing to combat daily. I see that and it breaks my heart. I also know that it is on him to do what he can to make himself better; he has to take his medicine consistently and make that decision to do it. I know it hurts the kids to have instability. That breaks my heart too. I don't know which is worse sometimes. Keeping things as is or taking a chance that the courts will screw us over and give him my kids unsupervised. Either way, there will be pain. It is a horrible situation. Good luck to you!! I truly wish you the best and know what this type of thing can cause. I'm glad you found strength in yourself to see these things.

 

[Jewel1310]

CCMom I sent you a PM of some online support sites that might be helpful. I know it helped me not feel alone. (of course the group here is doing a great job of that already)

 

[ColinCodyMom]

CCMom I sent you a PM of some online support sites that might be helpful. I know it helped me not feel alone. (of course the group here is doing a great job of that already)

The people here have been phenomenal. Thank you for the sites. It helps to know you aren't alone. I sent you a PM but I thank you for taking the time to wish us well. You are a source of strength!

 

[Robinrs]

The people here have been phenomenal. Thank you for the sites. It helps to know you aren't alone. I sent you a PM but I thank you for taking the time to wish us well. You are a source of strength!

Wow, it's amazing how many people are going thru this. I admire your open and caring spirit. You are going thru a major trial but I have so much faith that you'll find the right avenue thru it all.

Hugs to you!!

 

[ColinCodyMom]

Wow, it's amazing how many people are going thru this. I admire your open and caring spirit. You are going thru a major trial but I have so much faith that you'll find the right avenue thru it all.

Hugs to you!!

You know, I knew that mental issues impacted a lot of people, but didn't expect this many supportive individuals who have been there. Thank you for your good wishes as well!! They are truly and deeply appreciated! It gives me strength to have this kind of support. I appreciate it so much!!

 

[i'mfluffy]

Thank you for that! Somedays, it's hard to get out of bed never knowing what the day holds. I've managed to arrange my schedule so that I am gone when the kids are gone. DH had a terrible attitude at dinner tonight (the one time he actually joined us and he ended up storming off). I have no idea what happened to him; he wasn't that person when we met. I keep wondering where I went wrong. I know I didn't do this but we don't deserve it. I hope to find some encouraging information somewhere about the likelihood that he wouldn't get any sort of unsupervised visitation. Really, that is my biggest fear. I truly appreciate your kind words! Thank you.

You haven't done anything wrong. And really he hasn't either. It's a dibiltating disease that can't be cured. It can only be managed, and even then it is a hard thing to manage. It sneaks up on you out of the blue. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 30. My husband didn't sign up for this but neither did I. The key is mood stabilizers. If he isn't on them he needs to be. If he is they need to be tweaked. It takes a long time to find the right combo of meds. It also takes a long time to find the right doctor. Right now without insurance it will hard. Meds are expensive too. I thank god every day that I have insurance. My insurance company pasy 16 bucks for my mood stabilizer but if I didn't have insurance it would cost me 200. A lot of people with BP have a dual diagnosis of addiction. Aa by itself (if he'll go) isn't enough. A good place to start is DBSA. They will most likely be able to locate support groups in your area. Not just for your husband but for you also. They may have suggestions on how to afford his medical care. I've been hospitalized several times. There has always been tons of people in the looney bin with me that can't afford their stays. The hospitals will have to suck it up. They can not refuse medical care if the patient qualifies for an invol hold. You should also look into ssdi for him. It's hard to get. I have been trying for the last 2 years and have a lawyer and we are still looking at another year or two. Good luck. Feel free to pm me and I can find more resources for you.