NBR-vent

[Green Tea]

I am a SAHM. My husband's paycheck goes into our SHARED account and I pay all bills, do most of the shopping, and handle our joint investments with that money. What DH and I have is ours together.

I don't understand how your husband expects you to meet financial obligations with no income. Either your husband needs to start sharing the income with you or you need to get a job.

I agree. (and I'll add a nicer husband.) I just don't understand the his and hers responsibilities. You stay home and he provides or you both work outside the home and you both provide finances and care for children.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

I have a question for those who are suggesting that the OP should charge her DH for childcare and housekeeping services.

How will doing this contribute to strengthening the marriage and growing it as an equal partnership? Granted, I do not consider the current situation that the OP is in to be ideal. But will "charging" each other for services rendered make the relationship better or just solve the OP's money problems?

 

[Kay1]

OP, since you split everything, does he do half the shopping, cleaning and cooking?

 

[NotUrsula]

I'm going to take a different tack on this, and maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it looked to me like there was a situation of them agreeing to save up an extra amount (and sequester it in a separate account) to finance a SAH period, and then have her return to work when that money ran out. It looked like an agreement that they were going to put aside only so much money to replace her pay for this period of time, and that other monies were earmarked for other expenses. The distribution of who pays for what might be a holdover from when she was working, when those were the expense categories that she normally covered out of her pay.

I've seen families do this in the past, where the savings account essentially replaces the wife's income for that period. She draws from it as if it were a salary covering her contribution to the household expenses. Planning well in advance to do it this way can allow a limited period of SAHP when the husband just does not make enough to cover household expenses on his pay alone. Situations like these are not a case of *if* she will go back to work, but simply when. (And I know there are a lot of moms who had planned to reenter the workforce and found after birth that they didn't want to, but sometimes the financial realities are such that you have to get past that reluctance and stick to the schedule in the original plan.)

The wrench in the works in that case is that the SAHP fund money is running out faster than the OP had anticipated, and that returning to work sooner would be a financial problem because she had agreed to keep the stepkids over the summer. When she goes back to work their combined income will probably cover daycare for the baby, but not summer daycare for the older children as well.

If I'm reading this right, my first idea would be to take a p/t evening shift job if she can find one (leaving the baby with Dad), so that she can get some additional money into that account to get them past the summer custody period before going back to a regular full time job and starting to pay daycare.

FTR, DH and I do have separate accounts, and have had for the 20 years we've been married. We divide the responsibilities loosely in terms of who pays for what in regard to household expenses. However, we live WAY under our means, so unexpected expenses seldom cause a serious hardship for either of us; we just temporarily adjust who pays for what until the hole is filled. For instance, normally I pay for daycare, but last week I had a surprise $1000 dental bill that insurance refused to cover, so DH is adding day care to his side of the ledger for a couple of weeks. We can do that because we have ample wiggle room, but apparently the OP's family does not.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

This is the arrangement I will be using when I get married next year. Mine, his, household accounts. Based on the amount of money we make we will decide what amount goes into the ours account every paycheck. Then once household bills are covered the rest remains with whoever made it. He can't complain when I save $$ to buy a purse I like and I can't complain when he buys his things because the household stuff is already covered.

Sorry Off-Topic, but I wanted to say hey, how are ya....


To the OP, no advise, just !

 

[brenalexacamp]

I think in some states-if you have children, then get divorced, your 1st responsibility is to those children. If you get remarried, have more children, those 1st children always will come 1st. The more money he makes- the more that goes to those kids-if the new wife brings the income- it is untouchable to the other kids.

Tough law- but it is to protect those kids.

 

[Va-bear]

I have to say, we have never had any squabbles about money. And, I never complain about the stupid (IMHO) stuff he buys.

As I mentioned before this is why DH and I bank w/2 separate accts. (and is pretty much like having a 3rd to pay bills, except we just split the paying of the bills - one less checkbook to worry about/balance.) In 22 yrs we've never had one real argument about money. We plan out, together, the 'big' things and the rest we just say 'to each his own..." Works great!

 

[girli565]

Sorry Off-Topic, but I wanted to say hey, how are ya....


To the OP, no advise, just !

Hey!!! I'm good, you?



I also agree that making the husband pay her for the chores she does would not create a great relationship environment. If it were me, I would be so upset at her for even suggesting it that it would be hard to get over. Maybe they should have a discussion about just sharing all monies and no seperation of bills because really the only one bringing in $$ is him. He has to understand that the OP can't pay for things like her portion of the household bills when she does not bring home any income!

 

[greens_in_WA]

I would add (hopefully, as I haven't read all the posts), that we've done the 2 full-time worker thing, and I've done the sahm thing. Even with the extra money of me working full-time it wasn't worth it. We were always too tired to cook, the house was a wreck - esp. the kitchen, and the weekends we were too tired and too busy doing laundry, running errands and cleaning to have any sort of a life. I wasn't truly happy staying home fulltime, but am very blessed to work part-time. We make it ok financially, but we have home-cooked meals, the house isn't a complete wreck, and our weekends are more or less our own. My husband would very much agree - both parents working full time stinks, and if there's any possible way the two of you can manage your budget without it... do as much as you can to be home as much as possible.

I also agree with the previous posters who have said, its a family budget... once you get married its not his money and her money any more, its our money. Allowances are nice, if you can afford them and can help with the inevitable disagreements about how money is spent, but gosh, the family comes first.

Good luck to you and blessings!! I hope you can stay home with your baby as long as humanly possible!

 

[mjkacmom]

I have been a SAHM for almost 13 years. One of my responsibilities is to pay the bills (one of many, I might add). I do not get an allowance, I do not ask for money. If I'm making a big purchase (over $300, I guess), we discuss it. DH would never spend more than $50 without asking me if we could afford it - since I pay the bills. Everything we own is 50/50. His income is OURS, not HIS. He appreciates what I do, and claims he doesn't know how I do it, and he never could do it himself.

 

[pixiewings71]

I think in some states-if you have children, then get divorced, your 1st responsibility is to those children. If you get remarried, have more children, those 1st children always will come 1st. The more money he makes- the more that goes to those kids-if the new wife brings the income- it is untouchable to the other kids.

Tough law- but it is to protect those kids.

Huh, that must be nice. Definitely NOT the case where we live.....

 

[CLR4321]

If he is the only one working in the house, why doesn't he just bundle any money you have in with his and pay the bills together with all of the money? You shouldnt be expected to come up with money for bills if you do not have a source of income. My suggestion is to sit down with your husband and talk about it. Have you considered getting a job? Even if it is just running a small in home daycare, so you can stay him with your DD. Good luck with your situation.

 

[PinkRhombus]

I have been a SAHM for almost 13 years. One of my responsibilities is to pay the bills (one of many, I might add). I do not get an allowance, I do not ask for money. If I'm making a big purchase (over $300, I guess), we discuss it. DH would never spend more than $50 without asking me if we could afford it - since I pay the bills. Everything we own is 50/50. His income is OURS, not HIS. He appreciates what I do, and claims he doesn't know how I do it, and he never could do it himself.

Exactly!


My husband rarely tells me "no"...but I usually tell myself that. We trust each other to make good decisions.

I do, however, have a separate account that is strictly for groceries. This is just one of those no-fee checking accounts that I use to help me keep my grocery budget in check. And to avoid the problem of me losing my receipt from a debit card transaction in the main checkbook. I'm not the best with that...and this way I don't even bother balancing that account. I'll check the balance before I go shopping, but that's it.

But even the money in that account is OUR money. And my small income gets direct deposited into OUR savings account. All of our household bills are OUR responsibility. Because it is OUR marriage.

 

[la79al]

NotUrsula pretty much nailed it. Apparently I don't make much sense when I am severely lacking sleep. DH thought I would run out of money in November and I have managed to make it last this long. Leaving the baby with DH for an evening job is not a possibility due to the fact that he gets home really late and she will not take a bottle or sleep through the night. I was given the opportunity today however to watch a 2 year old full time and while DH was initially onboard with this, tonight he told me that he is not ready for me to do that yet. I told him we have things coming up like Easter and birthdays and he still said money was not tight enough that I needed to start babysitting yet. He suggested maybe closer to the summer when DD is a bit bigger. Summer has been a problem area for several years now because of getting the stepkids. He is not willing to pay for daycare for them because he figures if he is going to just stick them with a babysitter, he may as well let their mother keep them. Last year he did offer us spending money though (since I was home with DD) so hopefully he will do the same this year. Otherwise, we are finding lots of free activities nearby and spending plenty of time at the playground. My grand plan is to put extra back starting in September so that next summer I can take off all summer with the kids but we will see how that works.
The separate accounts/separate bills worked great until I went on maternity leave. DH makes significantly more than me though so anytime I needed a little extra, he helped out. The problem is that I have bills (like college loan) that are specifically mine from before he was in the picture and I feel it is my obligation to pay them. I really don't know who will be paying DDs daycare once I start back to work. I won't need to work full time so if I work a few extra hours I could take care of it myself. And I don't mind. My big issue is that right now I feel like I have a ton of money going out and not enough coming in. After talking with DH for a brief few seconds tonight, it appears that I am overreacting however. He has some major stress going on at work right now so it is not a good time to sit down and say 'I need money for X, Y, Z' but we will be having some variation of that conversation in the very near future.

 

[Kellydelly]

Last year he did offer us spending money though (since I was home with DD) so hopefully he will do the same this year. Otherwise, we are finding lots of free activities nearby and spending plenty of time at the playground.

Wow. He may offer you spending money? I'm glad my husband freely shares his earnings with me. I thought that was what marriage was all about, especially since I take care of the home and the children so he can make a living for us.

 

[princessmom29]

NotUrsula pretty much nailed it. Apparently I don't make much sense when I am severely lacking sleep. DH thought I would run out of money in November and I have managed to make it last this long. Leaving the baby with DH for an evening job is not a possibility due to the fact that he gets home really late and she will not take a bottle or sleep through the night. I was given the opportunity today however to watch a 2 year old full time and while DH was initially onboard with this, tonight he told me that he is not ready for me to do that yet. I told him we have things coming up like Easter and birthdays and he still said money was not tight enough that I needed to start babysitting yet. He suggested maybe closer to the summer when DD is a bit bigger. Summer has been a problem area for several years now because of getting the stepkids. He is not willing to pay for daycare for them because he figures if he is going to just stick them with a babysitter, he may as well let their mother keep them. Last year he did offer us spending money though (since I was home with DD) so hopefully he will do the same this year. Otherwise, we are finding lots of free activities nearby and spending plenty of time at the playground. My grand plan is to put extra back starting in September so that next summer I can take off all summer with the kids but we will see how that works.
The separate accounts/separate bills worked great until I went on maternity leave. DH makes significantly more than me though so anytime I needed a little extra, he helped out. The problem is that I have bills (like college loan) that are specifically mine from before he was in the picture and I feel it is my obligation to pay them. I really don't know who will be paying DDs daycare once I start back to work. I won't need to work full time so if I work a few extra hours I could take care of it myself. And I don't mind. My big issue is that right now I feel like I have a ton of money going out and not enough coming in. After talking with DH for a brief few seconds tonight, it appears that I am overreacting however. He has some major stress going on at work right now so it is not a good time to sit down and say 'I need money for X, Y, Z' but we will be having some variation of that conversation in the very near future.

I am sorry to say this and I hope I don't make anyone mad by dong it, but it sounds like your DH is way to controlling. Your posts are raising the red flags all over the place for me. They read to me like what I have heard from verbally abused women in the past. Their husbands use words to destroy thier self astemm and control every aspect of their lives. It seems to me that he dictates and you do what he says. He MAY give you spending money????? You are caring for HIS stepkids. He should be funding it! You are NOT overreacting. That sounds like it came striaght out of his mouth! He is not ready for YOU to start babysitting? You DD is 11 months right? The whole wait until she is older thing is just a ploy in my opinion. Have you considered the fact that he doesn't want you to have your own income agian? If it were me i would set down some ground rules about what he can and cannot dictate to you and do it quick.

 

[hentob]

Last year he did offer us spending money though (since I was home with DD) so hopefully he will do the same this year. .

DH makes significantly more than me…..

He has some major stress going on at work right now so it is not a good time to sit down and say 'I need money for X, Y, Z'…..

This is all so very sad

I am sorry to say this and I hope I don't make anyone mad by dong it, but it sounds like your DH is way to controlling. Your posts are raising the red flags all over the place for me. They read to me like what I have heard from verbally abused women in the past. Their husbands use words to destroy thier self astemm and control every aspect of their lives.

I agree 100%.

 

[Cruise]

Summer has been a problem area for several years now because of getting the stepkids. He is not willing to pay for daycare for them because he figures if he is going to just stick them with a babysitter, he may as well let their mother keep them. Last year he did offer us spending money though (since I was home with DD) so hopefully he will do the same this year. Otherwise, we are finding lots of free activities nearby and spending plenty of time at the playground.

This is the part I'm not understanding.... By "stepkids," you mean they're his children from a previous relationship, but not yours, correct?

So... you're basically providing free child care for his kids and he may or may not provide funds for you to keep them entertained for an entire summer? And if "he figures if he is going to just stick them with a babysitter, he may as well let their mother keep them," then... not to sound too harsh, but... why not? You say he gets home late from work anyway.. does he even spend any time with them when they are with your family instead of their mother? If part of your concern is the possibility of having to pay for day care for them for the summer, then maybe they should just stay with their mother this year.

 

[michael's mom]

I am sorry to say this and I hope I don't make anyone mad by dong it, but it sounds like your DH is way to controlling. Your posts are raising the red flags all over the place for me. They read to me like what I have heard from verbally abused women in the past. Their husbands use words to destroy thier self astemm and control every aspect of their lives. It seems to me that he dictates and you do what he says. He MAY give you spending money????? You are caring for HIS stepkids. He should be funding it! You are NOT overreacting. That sounds like it came striaght out of his mouth! He is not ready for YOU to start babysitting? You DD is 11 months right? The whole wait until she is older thing is just a ploy in my opinion. Have you considered the fact that he doesn't want you to have your own income agian? If it were me i would set down some ground rules about what he can and cannot dictate to you and do it quick.

I have to agree with this too! This business of my money/your money just doesn't sound healthy to me because it's clearly not our child/your child responsibilities. You have been raising your child, as you should, but it appears as though you are doing it w/o any help from him whatsoever! And, you cannot return to work because you have to have his children but he only may offer you money. Who cares if work is stresful for him...you are being stressed out by the current situation you are in.

I hope for your sake that you and your husband are able to work this out and that you can stay home with your daughter. I only wish I could be home with DS, but fortunately for me, my mother runs a home-daycare and she is the only other caretaker for my son other than DH and I. This is an option for you and it provides you with some supplemental income, while also being with your daughter. This is how my mom got into it actually...she needed to go back to work but didn't want to put us in daycare.

I wish you the best of luck, but I do think you need to take the advice of some other Disers and really have a heart to heart talk with your husband about these issues. It's not HIS money, you are married and in a partnership. It is just as much YOUR money as it is his. Don't let him make you feel like less of a person because you aren't financially contributing to the household...because the fact that you don't have to pay for daycare IS FINANCIALLY CONTRIBUTING. It's not adding $$ but it's not subtracting...they cancel eachother out.

 

[StephMK]

I hope you are ok OP. It sounds like you need to sit down & re-evaluate your financial relationship if nothing else. It's hard as outsiders to hear only parts of things but it does sound concerning.

If he makes significantly more, assuming a chunk goes to the mortgage & child support, is he still coming out way ahead & where does that money go. Does he realize what you'd BOTH pay jointly, split, whatever, if DD goes to daycare? If he doesn't want you to work, then you both need to determine if you can make it work to stay home.

And he doesn't want to pay for childcare for his kids - how does he expect you to care for them, not work and get no money to run the house??

A marriage should be a partnership but from what parts we've heard, it sounds pretty one-sided at this point. I hope you are able to talk & work things out.