My turn for a parenting question

[shirleyb]

Several months ago DS15 started a myspace account. We told him he was not allowed to have a myspace account, that we did not approve, and thought that was the end of it.

A few months ago, I don't know what possessed me (actually it was probably something I read on here), and I did a search on myspace and found that he still has his account. He's made it private, so I couldn't read it, but over the last few months, I kept an eye on it to see how often he was on there, and it was really only every few weeks.

I haven't confronted him yet, mainly because I was just keeping an eye on it, but it is time.

So, my question to parents of teens, WWYD?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

First of all there is no privacy when it comes to computers for my kids. If I ask to see your stuff then pull it up.

I would ask to see the my space account and then decide whether he gets to keep it. I would not allow it to be private from me, as one of the rules of keeping it.

My 16yodd mostly IM's and is on at other places and doesn't use My Space. So it is doable.
I know what they IM is not the best stuff, it is typical teen stuff. So I am not under any illusion.

It is one of those fine lines you need to walk with your kid and decide what they can handle/not handle.

Both of my girls have their own computer.

 

[JCJRSmith]

Since I provide the computer and the internet access for my son, and because I set up the operating system on it, I have full administrator access to his machine. He has admin rights as well and he knows that if he ever tries to lock me out, I will wipe it slick. The things my son and daughter get to use (Xbox, Wii, computers, etc) are priviledges for them, and they can be removed at any time.

 

[KelNottAt]

I agree with Mystery.

I'd also like to add that your DS is guilty of deliberate disobedience. So, even if he shows you the account and there's really nothing objectionable there, IMO he still deserves punishment for disobeying you. How much punishment? I don't know. But, this is his second offense, so in my house it would be rather severe.

 

[Pam]

I'm the Mom of a 21 yr. old and a 19 yr. old. If I told one of my children that they couldn't have a mySpace account and they sneaked and did so -- said child would be losing computer privileges for quite some time.

 

[dmslush]

He is deliberately disobeying you, so, in my home, he would lose the computer for a while.

Also, my dd has no privacy when it comes to the computer. She has a myspace account. I created my own, made her put me as a friend and I keep an eye on it that way.

 

[MichelleVW]

He is deliberately disobeying you, so, in my home, he would lose the computer for a while.

Also, my dd has no privacy when it comes to the computer. She has a myspace account. I created my own, made her put me as a friend and I keep an eye on it that way.

This is the reason I have a myspace account. All their friends have them, they don't talk to strangers on there so for them it's just another way of communicating with thier friends.

I don't think I would have disallowed them from the beginning, because they are so popular of course your son would want one, but since you did and he disobeyed you need to do something, but not sure what.

 

[BMNABrinx]

DD17 has never had a MySpace acct. even though most of her friends do. We told her "No" and suprisingly she listened and obeyed, so far anyway. DH is a techie so she knows he keeps very close watch on her internet activity, not to be nosy but more of a protection factor I guess. She does IM some of her friends but DH also logs all of that communication so if we feel that something is going on he can go back and review it all.

 

[Sherri]

I allow my son to have one (he is also 15) and I have strict rules about it.
One that it has to be private so not any old stranger can access it. Two, whenever I ask to see it, I can see it. If there is back talk about it then its gone for good. Him just knowing that I may ask to see it any time makes me feel like he will keep it appropriate. I never have asked because he is mostly IMing anyway.

 

[MAKmom]

Several months ago DS15 started a myspace account. We told him he was not allowed to have a myspace account, that we did not approve, and thought that was the end of it.

A few months ago, I don't know what possessed me (actually it was probably something I read on here), and I did a search on myspace and found that he still has his account. He's made it private, so I couldn't read it, but over the last few months, I kept an eye on it to see how often he was on there, and it was really only every few weeks.

I haven't confronted him yet, mainly because I was just keeping an eye on it, but it is time.

So, my question to parents of teens, WWYD?

I can understand you not saying anything at first. I also am a master detective & it is a great source of information. We really do not know everthing a teenager is up to or the character of peers they attract.

Since it is private it mean only people he gives access to can see his space which is not a bad thing. You can get a space to see his or just make him sit down & show you.

Punish him for having the account. Then let him keep it with your new rules. He has no control over what his friends post so you really see what theses kids are like.

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

Since I provide the computer and the internet access for my son, and because I set up the operating system on it, I have full administrator access to his machine. He has admin rights as well and he knows that if he ever tries to lock me out, I will wipe it slick. The things my son and daughter get to use (Xbox, Wii, computers, etc) are priviledges for them, and they can be removed at any time.

That is what we had to do in our house. Our son's access is limited to Word, Power Point and the like. He may only use internet if we are in the house--preferably in the room with him. Yes, that is a hassle for us--but that is how it needs to be for right now.

I'd also like to add that your DS is guilty of deliberate disobedience. So, even if he shows you the account and there's really nothing objectionable there, IMO he still deserves punishment for disobeying you. How much punishment? I don't know. But, this is his second offense, so in my house it would be rather severe.

In my house, he would lose access to a computer. You may relent and limit it to homework if necessary. But, for my kid, the computer would be gone for the summer. If you can't shut down his access, locking up the mouse and keyboard works well!

I'm the Mom of a 21 yr. old and a 19 yr. old. If I told one of my children that they couldn't have a mySpace account and they sneaked and did so -- said child would be losing computer privileges for quite some time.

Your rules are not guidelines. The more kids get away with, the more they will try. That can get dangerous.



Good luck with this situation. I know that it is tough denying our kids stuff. But, it is better to do it now when it is a manageable situation.

 

[Jeafl]

The latest trick among teenagers is to have TWO MySpace accounts. One benign one that they allow their parents access to, and another secret one where they conduct their real "business". It is much more common than you think.

You wouldn't believe how many parents look at their kid's MySpace account and feel relieved that there is nothing bad on there. If they only knew!

 

[shirleyb]

It sounds like most of you are on the same page with DH and I. We already limit their computer use and the computer is in a common area of the house, so they know when we're home, we can see anything they're doing. It's when we're not home that these things seem to crop up.

We've passworded the computers and will only let him have access for now to complete homework. I think a month grounded from the computer will be his punishment for the disobedience. DH also suggested what some of you do, which is to tell him that at any given time, we will ask to see what's on his account.

Thanks.

 

[KelNottAt]

Something else to consider...
My kids are never allowed to delete their browser history. They know that if we ever open up their browser and see any history missing they will be in deep, deep trouble.

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

It sounds like most of you are on the same page with DH and I. We already limit their computer use and the computer is in a common area of the house, so they know when we're home, we can see anything they're doing. It's when we're not home that these things seem to crop up.

We've passworded the computers and will only let him have access for now to complete homework. I think a month grounded from the computer will be his punishment for the disobedience. DH also suggested what some of you do, which is to tell him that at any given time, we will ask to see what's on his account.

Thanks.

Sounds like a great solution.

Something else to consider...
My kids are never allowed to delete their browser history. They know that if we ever open up their browser and see any history missing they will be in deep, deep trouble.

Good point!

 

[Kath2003]

If kids don't want you to see that they've visited a certain site, they don't have to delete their entire history - they can just remove THAT site from their history. Don't assume that because there's a site history that it's complete!

 

[Ladybugsy]

I know I'll probably get flamed for this, but I don't care. I have a program on my computer (free download btw, pm me for details if you'd like to take a look) that records everything. My children KNOW I have it on there. It records passwords, page snapshots, instant messages, programs used, and also allows me to block certain websites. I use that last feature when they are on restriction to block their favorite sites. It can run hidden, or in the open, but it has been an invaluable tool for me. My son and daughter both have a myspace, and they have all the normal rules concerning it, but really, I rarely have to use the program because they know they are being monitored, therefore they act accordingly. My best friend uses the same program on her computer but doesn't tell her daughter its there.

I agree that your son was disobedient, and deserves some form of punishment. And that really is a different issue than monitoring, but maybe if they knew they were being monitored with every keystroke it would make them think twice about what they put on their site.

 

[KelNottAt]

If kids don't want you to see that they've visited a certain site, they don't have to delete their entire history - they can just remove THAT site from their history. Don't assume that because there's a site history that it's complete!

Oh, drat! Well, the rule stands as long as it seems to be working.

 

[DNSDisney]

Shirleyb- you can actually have his acct on myspace set up to send YOUR email address notices when he gets messages, ims , friend request etc, so you can montor his activity somewhat without even seeing his acct first hand. I did this with my dd and I have her pw and sn for the acct so i can access it anytime I wish to see , when, where , who etc
My Opinion is if she wants privacy then she can go to work buy her own computer and the house it goes in
If you want to delete his acct that is not so simple to find the links to but it can be done once you do, all you need is the sn and pw along with his email he used to set up the acct.

I have since deleted my dd acct off of myspace, not because of preditors or foulness but simply because it along with the many other 15 yr olds on there in the area were creating drama via the site, for their own amusment weekly, it was distrubing. In a yr or so I may allow her to be on again once the drama bug for 15 yr olds wears thin as they age some. I think drama is at it peek with girls when they are in the 13-16 yr old range... at least if i rem correctly But I will still have the same rules abt having access to it no matter what her age as long as she is under my roof or I am footing the bill.

 

[annej]

My DD15 did this exact same thing - created a myspace without permission. In fact she had been flat told no. I discoveerd it while veiwing our myspace page for our youth group. She was linked to one of the other users. I deleted her myspace and she was banned from the computer. She has since earned it back. I will randomly pop in on her when she is using the computer and ask her to show me whatever she has open. The computer is in our den and i wil just quietly come in behind her. I also have her passwords etc. She knows if I ever find it public it will be deleted ASAP and ther will be no more myspace. So far we have had no problems. She seems do be doing a really good job of monitoring herself. I have asked her to delete a few comments from friends that I found offensive and she complies.