My son just told me that he hates me.

[clutter]

"I've told him all his life that once he graduates from high school he has three choices; go to college, get a job and support himself, or join the military. But he's not going to lay around my house playing video games."


"He knows we're not going to kick him out in the cold."


Seems like these are contradictory statements. The fact is, if he continues lying around the house playing video games, yes, you will allow it. OK, you'll be mad, but what are you going to do to stop him?

I think the therapist has a point. Maybe he needs to fail so he learns the consequences of his (in)action. But mainly, you have to stand by and LET him fail.

A friend of mine went through this (my dd is too young so far, so I have no personal experience), and it was the same thing. Even with the exercise thing to get him ready for the military. Finally, she listened to their counsellor. She stopped babying her son, and made him responsible for himself. It worked. He went to college for a year, and now is in a technical school. She also took away the cable and the computer games for the school year. They were allowed back only after A's and B's showed up on the report card.

Good luck.

 

[SuiteDisney]

Originally posted by SandiH
Have you had him medically examined for his lack of focus, motivation? Maybe there's something wired incorrectly in his body - whether it's anxiety, depression, ADD or something else. Since it's been going on so long, I would be concerned medically.

Sandi

Yes, physically and mentally.

Right now, I'm just trying to get him off his butt and out of his room. I'm not physically able to force him, so I use the games and computer to bribe him.

 

[SandiH]

Well - it sounds like you have a kids that's playing you. You said he's not going to sit around your house but he knows you won't kick him out.

Since from my point of view (an it's limited on what you've stated - I don't know the whole story or everything you've tried) perhaps it's time to take everything away until he get's off his bottom and starts to make some plans for his life - whether it's military, college, work and if exercise is part of what you think he needs to do - then maybe he needs to develop a routine and start doing it before he get's anything - and I'm not saying day by day either - perhaps weeks before priveledges show up again.

And yes, he probable does hate you - you're making him do something he doesn't want to. Remember, we are here to be our childrens parents - not their best friend. I know it hurts to have a child tell you that - my 5 year old yelled it at me yesterday. Did I give in because he said it, no! Remember you are the parent - you do have control of what happens in your house!

Good Luck.

Sandi

 

[pnelson]

I'm sorry-that just sounds like the wrong approach. Using video games and computer to bribe him to exercise??? How is that going to help with school and his grades?? It doesn't sound like your being too tough-it almost sounds like your focusing on the wrong things.

 

[SandiH]

One more question? Does your son WANT to be in the military???? You said he was afraid of boot camp (shoot everyone should be afraid of boot camp) but besides that - is it of any interest to him?

 

[Cindy B]

My parents told me starting at age 12, that I was no longer their responsibility once I was 18.


And then once I was working age, 13, that my work, would support all that I wanted to do. Things, like car, car insurance, prom, senior trip, were all my responsibility. Same with phone bill, and clothes. Yes, even college was my responsibility. I paid for it myself.

So, I found work. I waitressed, did a stint at a pizza store, and everything else. (Retail, babysitting, you name it) I also never missed a day of high school in four years and kept honor roll all four years as well, with working up to two jobs.

I left home earlier, at 17 with my apartment, and in college. I worked full time hours and also went to school.

My father would never tolerate us sitting around. My father to this day, has at least three jobs his entire life. He works at the post office, does National Guard, Landscaping business, and also handyman stuff.


My son started to like the computer too much, and I took it away. Same with the Xbox. Yes, it sounds easier than it is..


He may do well at Microsoft Certification, or Cisco certification. I know Chester County/Delaware County College in Exton both offer this.. (at least they did about a year ago!)

The military is a great option for some, but I dare to say it, my friend has a son very similiar to Justin. (Grades, computer love, etc... ) He did go into the Army for three years. The three years went by quickly, and quite honestly didn't change him. He now lives at home, 24 years old, no job, and not many skills..

Although my dad/uncle had a wonderful time in the military. My uncle retired after 25 years, and my dad is close to retirment.
Its a very challenging environment.. My sister is in the Air Force/Army (yes both, hard to explain). You really have to have a military mindset to really get something from it.

My sister adores the structure, the uniforms, the formality, and the order. She thrives on it. She loves the power as well. She's been at it for about 12 years. She actually left the military and had to fight to come back to it.. (she had to do something legally so she could come back)

Anyway, good luck, and remember that some armed forces don't like to take prospective students on poor grades that much. My sister does recruiting for the Air Force, and she loves to see good grades, and definetely no GED's. She loves to admit people that have a great atitude and not forced..



Hey, there's always the Valley Forge Military Academy also. My DH got shipped there many many years ago.



Good luck, and I know its not easy.

 

[Cinders]

But all he wants to do is play video games or play on the computer.

He's living in your house...take away the games and the computer until he has earned As and Bs. If he has no learning disability this shouldnt be a problem or if he does get him some tutoring. Threats are useless unless you follow through.

The problem is that he's seen Full Metal Jacket and he's afraid of boot camp and thinks all the instructors are going to be R. Lee Ermy.

Take away movies and television too. He needs to earn the right to watch entertainment.

I dont understand pushing the military angle....you want an unmotivated child to be sent overseas during the times we are having now? Even if he isnt sent into combat look at the group that were held hostage just because they took a wrong turn. Some will say a person that young wouldnt be sent overseas but I do believe that Jessica Lynch was only 18??? It would be different if he wanted to join a branch of the military but to use it as punishment? Excercise isnt going to change his grades....he'll just do it quickly as possible to get around you. And whats 15 minutes? Not much compared to a 2 hour movie.

How about you try the Pollyanna game with your son....write a list of all his good points and find something everyday to positively compliment him on. Maybe the list will also give you some job ideas.

Now to lighten things up a bit here's an email I received from a ScoutMaster. Kids today seem to be very spoiled when it comes to the basics like games, clothes, bikes.....

My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face.

He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.

Guess what I learned In Civics Two, That's taught by Mr. Wright?

It's all about the laws today, The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room, I don't have to cut my hair.

No one can tell me what to think, Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion, And regardless what you say,

I don't have to bow my head, And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want, And pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like, Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime.

I'll back up all my charges, With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me, My body's only for my use,

Not for your hugs and kisses, That's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals, Like your Mama did to you.

That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights, So you can't influence me,

Or I'll call Children's Services Division, Better known as C.S .D.

Of course my first instinct was to toss him out the door.

But the chance to teach him a lesson, Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully, I could not let this go.

A smile crept upon my face, He's messing with a pro.

The Next day I took him shopping At the local Goodwill Store.

I told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn't care,

If I bought you K-Mart shoes, Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment, To take your driver's test.

The C.S.D. is unconcerned, So I'll decide what was best.

I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch.

And tomorrow you can start to learn, To make your own bag lunch.

Just save the raging appetite, And wait till dinner time.

We're having liver and onions, A favourite dish of mine.

He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?"

"Sorry, but I sold your TV, For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room, You'll take the couch instead.

The C.S.D. requires, just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we will eat.

That allowance that you used to get, Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski, Dirt bike and roller blades,

Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights," It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying, why are you on your knees?

Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D..?"

 

[Disney Ella]

I have no experience with teenagers yet, and I can't add anything to the advice you've gotten, but I just wanted to say that it sounds like you are a good parent desperate to do anything to help your child. And I think a lot of us were experts on raising kids before we had our own! I know I was.

 

[SilverLily]

Does he have any kind of part time job now? I would make him get a job NOW! My DD's are still little, but they will not be allowed to come home and play video games all day when they are that age. They will either have jobs or have some major chores to do. After all, he is 17, and most kids that age do some sort of work. Does he have a job lined up for the summer yet? Maybe you should be forcibly driving him to fill out applications instead of forcing him to exercise.

 

[ripleysmom]

While your intentions are good ***********, he should make his own decisions about his future.

When my brother was about 19, my mother threw him out of the house. He had dropped out of high school and would not get a job, so she booted him out. He lived in his car for awhile and eventually moved to NC where he settled. Today he has a good job and a nice family. I don't think he would have done that without the push out of the nest.


If he wants to go to college, let him. There are student loans that are available. Let him finance his own education.

If he wants to go into the military, let him pursue his own path for that.

If he wants to get a job, charge him room and board. Extra for the computer and video games if you have to.


One of the first things that he has to do as an adult is make his own decisions. If you raised him right (and I am sure that you did) you will find that he will make the right ones. If he doesn't though, you need to understand that that is his decision too. Not yours.

Give him a deadline on when things need to happen. Make it clear that you will not allow him to stay if he doesn't accept one of the choices that you give him. Let him do the rest. I think he will surprise you once he realizes you mean business.

 

[WDWHound]

Your son sounds familiar. He sound like a slightly more extreme version of me at that age. I didn't care about anything but music when I was 17 and I definitely didn't want to work for anything. In my heart I knew I was being lazy. Its not that I wasn't intelligent, I just didn't care. I knew I was risking my college career and my future, but all that was tomorrow and I was much more interested in have fun.

Then tomorrow actually arrived.

Suddenly the consequences of my actions were things I had to live with. I couldn't get into a decent college. I had a hard time studying because I hadn't developed the discipline. My job prospects looked grim and I didn't like serving up fast food fulltime.

My life was a mess and I could clearly see that I was the one who messed it up. It was only at this point that I had the motavation to make a change. Even then, I was kicked out of college 3 times before I finally cared enough to really give it my best effort (I got my degree at age 29). I had to work a lot harder than I would have if I had done it right the first time, but I eventually met my goals and got my life back on track.

What I am trying to say is that, while I think you are doing all the right things, there is little you can do to force him to care about something enough to really work for it. Fortunately, he will probably decide on his own to put in the effort, but it may take a while (possibly years). I cant offer any advice on how to motavate him, because I know nothing my parents could have done would have motavated me, but keep trying. That fact that you care enough to try means the world to him (though he will never tell you that).

Just one more thing. Always be sure that he knows that you beleive he could do anything if he would just put in the effort. A lot of my problem was that I didn't beleive in myself. My father was constantly frustrated with me and he wouldn't let me make excuses for myself, but he never gave up on me either and he always told me I would succeed when I finally decided to really try. He believed in me when I didn't and It was the greatest gift he ever gave me.

 

[phlufster]

I would like to start off by commending you for actually trying to do something about your sons problem. There are too many parents now a days that would just yell and scream and make idle threats, but never actually take action.

When I was in high school (10 years ago) I got D's and F's and was constantly being kicked out of class for being disruptive and insubordinant. It wasn't really school as a whole that got me down, but particular things about each class. Some of my teachers had an old school approach and couldn't reach their students, while others didn't seem to care to. There were also teachers that were great and recognized the unique differences in the way each person learns and applied that to their teaching techniques. (I am not blaming teachers here, I am just saying that one way of teaching will not work with all students)

Talk to your son, find out what classes he does enjoy and work out some compromises. See if you can't find out what it is about the particular classses that he doesn't like, teachers, students, subject matter. That will help you work with him to find a what to do to get through these classes with decent grades without him getting frustrated and giving up. Maybe it is something as simple as letting him know that you understand that some teachers don't reach him, and working with him to find ways of dealing with that. The most important thing (and the hardest thing with teenagers) is communication.

 

[DrCool]

Sitting in front of a computer all day isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I was similar to your son in high school (probably not to such an extreme level but similar.). I never put in an effort at school and could have easily had straight A's and valedictorian if I did. It was never that important to me. I still got good grades (something like a 3.6 at graduation) but not as good as I could have.

When it came time to go to college I was accepeted to a couple different private colleges with scholarships and honors but I decided to take a few classes at the local junior college. That lasted about 2 quarters and I realized I hated school.

I worked a couple odd jobs (UPS, retail, etc) for a few years and then got into the computer business. I now spend 8-10 hours a day sitting in front of a computer working. I am president of a successful company and vice president of another. If I went to school like everyone told me I should have I would be stuck in a corporate job somewhere that I wouldn't have liked as much as I like my job now. Your son sounds like he would be the same way.

You should encourage him to use his computer time constructively. Find what he likes to do and help him use that to better himself. You say he likes video games. A friend of mine loves video games and he build and marketed a website dealing with games and currently brings in around $8,000 per month from it.

You sound like you have good motives and a good heart behind this but your approach might be a bit off. Rather than trying to fit your son into the mold society says he should fit in help him to explore how he can do the things he enjoys to better himself. He will be much happier and so will you.

 

[SuiteDisney]

Thank you, everyone, for your advice.

I'm really not trying to punish Justin and I'm not trying to make him join the military... I'm trying to get him fit so that he'll be healthy, have a better self image, hopefully be inspired to do other things that he thinks he can't do, and have more options in life.

Believe it or not, we have tried most of what's been suggested. We took away games and computer and electronics and wound up with a kid so depressed that we all wound up in therapy with a psychologist. We do things as a family. We have always encouraged him to try. We just haven't gotten too far.

So we're trying something different. And I'm sure we'll try something else. Our only other choice would be to give up, and that's something we won't do.

Even if all he gets out of this particular experience is healthy, then he'll still have a better life.

 

[C.Ann]

If I had a quarter for every time my kids said they "hated" me while they were growing up - and a quarter for every time they have apologized and begged my forgiveness since their mid-twenties, I'd be in Disney World several times a year - every year!!!

He doesn't mean it - honest..

Hugs..

 

[FleurdeLise]

I'd push the computer angle IN SCHOOL right now! Is he a junior? Does the school offer computer classes?
With grades of C-D & F ,I can't see any college accepting him. Maybe a trade school or junior colege?

 

[Boots]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} and then some more!

 

[goofygirl]

Can you come over MY house? I need somebody to get ME in physical shape!

He is just going through a phase. You don't think he's still going to be sitting around playing video games when he's 25 or 30, do you? Not very likely!

 

[holycow]

I haven't read any other replies...but IMHO you are doing the absolutely right thing!...Good for you!

Love is tough but here's a ((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))) for you hang in there!

Lisa

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by goofygirl
You don't think he's still going to be sitting around playing video games when he's 25 or 30, do you? Not very likely!

As a family of gamers, we do! I am 38, my sis & BIL are 35, 34, my 2 brothers are 33 & 32.
I will be playing games in the nursing home, lol.

So you say he became severly depressed when they were taken away? Hmmm..sounds like a psychiatrist & and an in depth medical exam and some meds and a comprehensive plan to help him focus might be in order.
If you have done that maybe the docs missed something. Try someone else until you are sure they have dug into it.

Not to be urgent or anything but my Aunt waited too long to & her son is unable to get insurance & you only have control medically until they are around 18 or whatever your insurance plan covers. After that if their is something serious that is being overlooked it puts you in a REAL bind. You can't force him anymore, to get help even if he needed it.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I offer P&PD to you.