My sister's wedding issues

[disykat]

She is not a bridezilla because she doesn't want the kids there. She is a bridezilla because she expects her sister to be happy about it and expects her to attend ALL events.

When you can admit your sister doesn't have money to hire a sitter, admit that you're expecting her to be at everything (because apparently it's her job as a bridesmaid) childfree leaving the children a 5 hour roundtrip drive away, admit you aren't willing to hire a local babysitter because it's "ONLY your neices and nephews,"...

The OP has still not said what she expects her sister to do with her kids for the weekend. (rehearsal, wedding, etc.)

 

[Kathi OD]

sister is a bridesmaid, so she should be at reception

they will be involved, they can go to the ceremony just not the reception. My brother is getting married in May, they have his reception to look forward to.

These two statements have me

I'm 42, and I attended my first wedding when I was 23 - I remember my parents going to weddings, and it didn't bother me a bit that I wasn't invited, because they were adult events. They went lots of places without us kids - we loved having sitters! It sounds like the OP wants her reception to be like a cocktail party - children shouldn't attend cocktail parties. I can't imagine a child being scarred for life over missing a 4 hour adult party - take them to CEC to make up for it.

Generally I agree; children should not be at cocktail parties. However, in this case the children will be spending much more than 4 hours away from their mother.

She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

Actually I think you are the one that can't be pleased.

Liz

She is not a Bridezilla because she wants an adult only wedding. She is a Bridezilla because she avoided telling an out of town bridesmaid (who happens to be her sister) that children were not invited when she KNEW that her sister was planning on bringing hers.

She gets bonus Bridezilla points for trying to get her mother to lie for her.

And even more because she knows her sister already has limited finances, but expects her to put out even more because it's her day and her wedding and she should just do everything bridey wants.

 

[*Fantasia*]

When did I say it was a coronation of the queen?

If she had been upfront with her sister and said from the beginning "adult's only"; then her sister would have had plenty of time to come up with something or they could have brainstormed together for a plan for all the kids and this issue probably would have never come up.

I just don't see how planning your wedding your way makes you a Bridezilla.

oh.. not you.. someone else said it... some were saying bridezilla and one was saying it is not a coronation of the queen. sorry that i confused you.

 

[okeydokey]

Basically, the bride screwed up for not being up front with the sister when she asked her to be a bridesmaid and made it worse by trying to get Mom to lie about it. The question now is, are you willing to patch up hard feelings by helping your sister have this role in your wedding or are you not. If you are, great, hire a babysitter for your sister close by to the reception. If not, lose your sister from the wedding party and deal with a lifetime of resentment.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I don't have a problem with people saying they don't want kids at their wedding. It's their wedding. What drives me crazy is when those same people then get upset because some guests then decline to attend.

My niece is getting married this summer. She doesn't want kids at the wedding. My son and his wife have three young kids; the youngest is breastfeeding (and will still be breastfeeding at the time of the wedding). The wedding is about a 3 hour drive from their home. So they've politely said that they won't be able to attend.

I think that's fine. But my niece is not happy about it and thinks they are being unreasonable. She thinks that we could get hotel rooms and take turns going back and forth to the dinner/reception and watching the kids. Yeah, that sounds like an enjoyable evening for us. "Okay honey, you get to eat the appetizer, then Grandma goes down to eat the main course, and I'll have dessert and the rest of the time you can try to entertain three kids in a hotel room."

You are perfectly within your rights to say you don't want kids at your wedding. But you then need to accept that under those conditions, some people will not attend your wedding.

Teresa

 

[goofy!]

Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married. Since my mom is helping with the planning she knows i do not want kids there and she let it slip to my sister and my sister got mad. I told mom to tell her that the site will not allow kids to come, though that is not entirely true. Now my sister is saying her feelings are hurt

Of course her feelings are hurt. She kept telling you how excited her kids were and you never once corrected her. And apparently, you planned to keep lying to your sister because you state that your mother "let it slip." Then you tried to get your (and her) mother to lie to her.

sister is a bridesmaid, so she should be at reception

Why?

You are entirely within your rights to have an adult only reception. There is nothing wrong with that. You do not have to invite any children, whether they are relatives or friends. It sounds like a fun party and one I would enjoy attending.

However, when you set rules like that, you have to know that not everybody will be in a position to be able to follow them.

Your sister has told you what she is able to do within the parameters of your rules.

She can attend the wedding, but not the reception.

Sounds like a great compromise. I don't see why you are stressed at all. Your sister will be there for the important part, witnessing your marriage. She just won't be there at the party after. Not a big deal, it is just a party. She will be there for you for the marriage.

Oh, and I agree with everybody else. The minute she told you her kids were excited to come to the wedding, you should have been upfront and told her right then and there that you were having an adult party. By your silence, you tacitly acknowledged that the children were invited. How did you respond to her when she told you her kids were excited? The only proper response would have been to say "Hey Sis, I think there has been a misunderstanding, we are planning an adult reception." Your lack of correcting your sister's assumptions and remaining silent when she told you of her childrens' excitement only served to confirm that her children were actually invited.

I don't buy the "I was too busy to tell her" when you obviously had the time to plot and ask your mother to lie to your sister about the whole thing.

Continue planning your wedding. It seems to have been resolved already.

As for your title, this is not your sister's wedding dilemma. She is doing what she can to accommodate you the best she can. She will be there for you for the special and important part, the wedding, but then needs to go home with her kids.

This is your dilemma because you want your cake and eat it too. You want your rules and you want everybody to arrange their lives to accommodate you. That doesn't happen in the real world, bride or not.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't have a problem with people saying they don't want kids at their wedding. It's their wedding. What drives me crazy is when those same people then get upset because some guests then decline to attend.

My niece is getting married this summer. She doesn't want kids at the wedding. My son and his wife have three young kids; the youngest is breastfeeding (and will still be breastfeeding at the time of the wedding). The wedding is about a 3 hour drive from their home. So they've politely said that they won't be able to attend.

I think that's fine. But my niece is not happy about it and thinks they are being unreasonable. She thinks that we could get hotel rooms and take turns going back and forth to the dinner/reception and watching the kids. Yeah, that sounds like an enjoyable evening for us. "Okay honey, you get to eat the appetizer, then Grandma goes down to eat the main course, and I'll have dessert and the rest of the time you can try to entertain three kids in a hotel room."

You are perfectly within your rights to say you don't want kids at your wedding. But you then need to accept that under those conditions, some people will not attend your wedding.

Teresa

Exactly!

 

[MinnieMe87]

I don't have a problem with people saying they don't want kids at their wedding. It's their wedding. What drives me crazy is when those same people then get upset because some guests then decline to attend.

My niece is getting married this summer. She doesn't want kids at the wedding. My son and his wife have three young kids; the youngest is breastfeeding (and will still be breastfeeding at the time of the wedding). The wedding is about a 3 hour drive from their home. So they've politely said that they won't be able to attend.

I think that's fine. But my niece is not happy about it and thinks they are being unreasonable. She thinks that we could get hotel rooms and take turns going back and forth to the dinner/reception and watching the kids. Yeah, that sounds like an enjoyable evening for us. "Okay honey, you get to eat the appetizer, then Grandma goes down to eat the main course, and I'll have dessert and the rest of the time you can try to entertain three kids in a hotel room."

You are perfectly within your rights to say you don't want kids at your wedding. But you then need to accept that under those conditions, some people will not attend your wedding.

Teresa

I agree!!

 

[piney]

I am getting married next year and I do not want kids present at the ceremony or reception. I just want a very trendy, adults only party and I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party. I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset. Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married. Since my mom is helping with the planning she knows i do not want kids there and she let it slip to my sister and my sister got mad. I told mom to tell her that the site will not allow kids to come, though that is not entirely true. Now my sister is saying her feelings are hurt. Finally I let in and said they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception. Now she says she is not sure she can make it to the reception since the wedding site is hours from her house. She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

This is so selfish to me. You let the kids think they were going to see their aunt get married, let them get all excited about it and didn't have the guts to tell your sister they weren't invited. And now you are stressed? How do you think she feels breaking it to her children that, no, sorry, you are not going.

edited to add that you sound very young (read immature) to me.

 

[clgwli]

Somewhere between favor and emergency is a sister's wedding. Maybe not quite as urgent as an appendectomy, but surely as important?

I just remember as a kid going to grandparents or aunts/uncles on the "other" side of the family when there was a big family event on one side. I remember spending the day at our neighbor's house when my sister was born. And later on there were playmates whose moms would have a sleepover in return for a sleepover when THEY wanted a day/evening/weekend out.

I understand your point but by saying this you are assuming this is possible for the family. Not everyone is "lucky" enough to either have family alive or near by to do something like this. I assume that the sister's side of the family is out of the question. I wouldn't ever assume that the father of the children has any family availble for this. I know that before I even had a family some of the elder family I would rely on for help had passed on.

A wedding is not an emergency and no where near one. It is more of a favor and I would not want to rely on friends to do something this big for me.

Yes the older kids probably could be passed off to a few of friends but not the 2 year old IMO. That is too much to ask someone to watch them for 24 hours. I don't care who the friend is but it is too much. Just an evening yes but a whole wedding hours away there is no way.

My family made friends with people but they knew not to abuse the friendship for a silly wedding.

Again the bride can invite who she wants. She just needs to realize that family of her guests will come first. She can either deal with it or help make it work for everyone.

I do wonder if there is a father involved with teh children. Can he be there and can he help at all?

I just think instead of whining the OP should try to help

 

[Disney Doll]

I would never allow my kids to stay with any sitter that I did not personally know.
I do agree though that I think it is very selfish to think that the whole world should stop because of someone's wedding.

Nor should it stop for someone's children, or because someone feels the need to have their precious snowflakes be ever-present in their lives.

Contrary, it seems, to popular opinion on this thread, not everyone thinks children are the be all and end all of everyone's existence who should be at every event whether it's appropriate or not.

OP...your wedding, your choice. If you can do the baby sitter thing and your sister will allow her children to stay with an unknown babysitter, then that would probably be a good compromise.

My guess is you "withheld" this information from DSis because you had a pretty good idea of what DSis's reaction would be in regard to her precious snowflakes, and it seems to me like you called it pretty well.

FWIW, every wedding I have ever been to where small children were present has been marred by the parents who don't watch their children, and thus allow the children to be running and sliding over the dance floor. I have seen children knock over the waitstaff, knock over the wedding cake, trip elderly relatives while Mom and Dad beam approvingly saying"Oh look aren't they cute?". And before you all start in with "well drunk adults can do the same thing"...the difference is that I can toss a drunk adult out of my reception...can't really toss a 3 year old, now can I?

 

[piney]

Nor should it stop for someone's children, or because someone feels the need to have their precious snowflakes be ever-present in their lives.

Contrary, it seems, to popular opinion on this thread, not everyone thinks children are the be all and end all of everyone's existence who should be at every event whether it's appropriate or not.

OP...your wedding, your choice. If you can do the baby sitter thing and your sister will allow her children to stay with an unknown babysitter, then that would probably be a good compromise.

My guess is you "withheld" this information from DSis because you had a pretty good idea of what DSis's reaction would be in regard to her precious snowflakes, and it seems to me like you called it pretty well.

That is fine except I think the reason most of us were upset with her original post is because she allowed the children to think they were invited and they are excited about seeing her get married. (I have not read the entire thread) I don't even have kids, so I am not defending them being at an adult party.

 

[*Fantasia*]

where's the op?

 

[goofy!]

And if her sister can't get childcare, of course she isn't forced to go. Wanting an adult wedding does not make one a bridezilla - I've only seen children at a handful of weddings, older children, not toddlers.

But that is not the OP's point.

The OP wants the adult party AND her sister there too, something her sister has told her she can't do.

The whole point of the thread is that the bride is stressed because the sister can only make the wedding and not the party if she can't bring the kids. She is blaming the sister, look at the title of the thread, for not jumping through hoops to be at both the wedding and the reception.

Wanting an adult reception does not make one a bridezilla.

Wanting an adult reception and then whining when somebody can't attend after lying to her repeated times and then trying to make the mother an accomplice and lie too, does make one a bridezilla.

 

[piney]

But that is not the OP's point.

But the OP wants the adult party AND her sister there too, something her sister has told her she can't do.

The whole point of the thread is that the bride is stressed because the sister can only make the wedding and not the party if she can't bring the kids.

Wanting an adult reception does not make one a bridezilla.

Wanting an adult reception and then whining when somebody can't attend after lying to her repeated times and then trying to make the mother an accomplice and lie too, does make one a bridezilla.

 

[Missy1961]

where's the op?

I'm beginning to think the OP is off doing her homework.

 

[DVC Sadie]

And if her sister can't get childcare, of course she isn't forced to go. Wanting an adult wedding does not make one a bridezilla - I've only seen children at a handful of weddings, older children, not toddlers.

Me, too.

I can't believe how some posters feel the need to tell the OP what type of wedding and reception to hold.

The only thing I would have done differently was to tell my sister upfront that I wanted to have an adults only wedding or reception and I would not have involved my mother.

 

[AmyinKY]

not sure if this has been mentioned yet...

Are there young children on the groom's side?

OP, how are you going to handle it when the grooms mother invites her sister (the groom's aunt) and she brings her grandchildren with her? What about the best friend of the groom who has a young child? What if some of the groomsmen invite their girlfriends and they have children? You stated that the wedding was a year away. It only takes 9 months until birth. Are you going to insist all of the wedding party be on birth control? Are you?

 

[Scurvy]

not sure if this has been mentioned yet...

Are there young children on the groom's side?

OP, how are you going to handle it when the grooms mother invites her sister (the groom's aunt) and she brings her grandchildren with her? What about the best friend of the groom who has a young child? What if some of the groomsmen invite their girlfriends and they have children? You stated that the wedding was a year away. It only takes 9 months until birth. Are you going to insist all of the wedding party be on birth control? Are you?

Did I miss something in the this thread? Are the OP and her fiance issuing an open invitation for all her guests to invite whoever they want and I just skimmed over that part? Because unless they are, none of this should be an issue. The groom's mother can't invite her sister and her sister's grandchildren unless she is in charge of the guest list. The groomsmen might be invited "with guest" or their girlfriends might also be invited, but that doesn't mean that the gilfriend's kids are invited. Why on earth would the wedding party need to be on birth control?! If they have kids between now and then and they don't want to get a sitter, then they can back out of the wedding.

A wedding and reception isn't a free-for-all. Only those actually invited should be attending, and none of the guests should be bringing any extra people who were not invited. It doesn't matter if the extra people are kids or their sister or their great aunt - if they aren't invited then they don't go to the wedding.

OP - I agree with previous posters that you have every right to have the wedding you want, and if you want a child-free wedding then that's what you should have. However, your sister also has the right to decline your invitation if she prefers not to attend the wedding without her children. As long as you aren't getting upset with her over that than that's fine. On the other hand, I really think you messed up once you knew she was assuming the kids would be invited - you should have broken the news to her as soon as you realized there was a misunderstanding. She still might have been unhappy, but you that would be her problem, not yours.

 

[robinb]

You stated that the wedding was a year away. It only takes 9 months until birth. Are you going to insist all of the wedding party be on birth control? Are you?

Now wouldn't that just take the cake?