My sister just called me and is freaking out - **small update**

[Heidict]

Wow Jen, just read the whole thread. That is so scary. Hope your DSis doing good. Did she stay with you last night?

 

[Mom2Ashli]

Okay that freaked me out big time. I really hope she has some updates soon.

 

[MRNsMommy]

Checking back in to see if there's any news yet...

 

[KristiKelly]

I hope everything went okay last night.

 

[tinkgurl]

Well, I hope we get an update soon! I'm so sorry for your sister!

 

[Minnesota!]

wow. I love a good mystery...but only in books. Your poor sister!

 

[Amy&Dan]

I just had to come check before heading out. I hope your sister is okay. This whole thing took me back to a good friend of mine who had an ex husband that was a pita. She used to come home from work and just feel he had been in the house. She had the locks changed but somehow she just knew he was still finding ways to come over there. She always assumed it was more to snoop and figure out if she was seeing somebody else etc. She never could prove it and then eventually the dirtbag moved away and remarried. But I always told her to trust her instinct. With us gals, it usually spot on. What made it terrible for her and your sister, is that you feel almost like a prisoner of your own life. Your home should be your sanctuary, the place you feel safest and when that is violated its an awful feeling I am sure.

I am so glad your sister has you and a nice police officer who went that extra step to help out. A good support system, especially in a situation like this is crucial.

 

[Disney Doll]

OK...everybody needs to stop freaking out and sit down and think of this logically. Divorces are situations of high emotion, and sometimes our minds get carried away.

Some questions/thoughts:

* Does your sister truly have reason to believe that her STB-ExH would kill her? has he threatened her? Physically injured her? Done damage to the house or her car? Exhibited any behavior that would truly make her feel afraid, as opposed to just getting caught up in the "we're getting a divorce" drama.

* If the phone was left by STB-ExH, could he have been in the house trying to get some of his stuff, or financial records or something of that sort? Not that it makes it right, but there's a big difference between "I'm going to kill you" and "I wanted the rest of my clothes and didn't want to see/deal with you".

* Has she removed anything she values from the house at this point, and placed it elswhere? If not, she should.

* Has she made copies of all their financial information, including credit card debt, savings accounts, retirement accounts, investments? If she hasn't, she should, so she has an idea of her total financial picture as of "X" date. She should place this information somewhere where he would not have access to it, even if that means getting a safety deposit box at the bank. Or she could leave it with a trusted friend or relative.

* Has she taken his name off any credit card accounts that she can? Before DH & I got married, I wanted to give him access to be able to use my credit card to buy some of the stuff we would need for our upcoming wedding. The CC company recommended making him an "authorized user"...meaning I "owned" the card, was giving him permission to use it, and could revoke that permission at any time without him having to agree to it. Different from a joint account insofar as with a joint account, I think you need both peoples' permission to make changes. If she has any cards like that, she should take him off as an authorized user. She should also try to get herself off any CC accounts if she can. I'd call every CC company I had a card with and see if i could get him or me off as many accounts as possible.

* She should then start a CC account in her name only.

* After she starts her own account, she should notify the credit reporting companies that there is a possibility that her estranged husband might try and start accounts in her or her child's name, and that he should not be allowed to do that?

* A restraining order? I don't put much stock in them. It's a piece of paper, not a protective force field. They sometimes serve to aggravate a tense situation into a violent situation.

* Her child's pre-school/daycare/caregoiver should be informed that under no circumstances is the child to leave their care with anyone other than her or someone she authorizes.

* Change the door locks and get a security system.

* Be very cognizant of her surroundings.

* She should speak to her attorney with regard to what she can do right now to make it so she is not responsible for any bills he incurs from this day forward, while waitinf for their divorce to be final. Perhaps a legal separation prior to the divorce, so that she can say "As of April 20th we were legally separated so the boat he bought on April 25th is not my financial or legal responsibility".

* Buy yourself and her a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gaving deBecker. It is an excellent read...one that every woman should read and then reread every once in a while as a refresher.

Good luck...these situations are so difficult.

 

[RichNKatHolly]

Wow, so super scary. Looking forward to an updated that makes us all say - duh!

 

[ChrizJen]

OK...everybody needs to stop freaking out and sit down and think of this logically. Divorces are situations of high emotion, and sometimes our minds get carried away.

Some questions/thoughts:

* Does your sister truly have reason to believe that her STB-ExH would kill her? has he threatened her? Physically injured her? Done damage to the house or her car? Exhibited any behavior that would truly make her feel afraid, as opposed to just getting caught up in the "we're getting a divorce" drama.

* If the phone was left by STB-ExH, could he have been in the house trying to get some of his stuff, or financial records or something of that sort? Not that it makes it right, but there's a big difference between "I'm going to kill you" and "I wanted the rest of my clothes and didn't want to see/deal with you".

With all due respect, obviously the OP and her sister know the man well enough to be scared. So while there is a possibility that this is all just a big misunderstanding, I still think that her sister is best served erring on the side of caution. They know the man better than any of us.
Even if, as you said, he just stopped by to pick up some things, why did he leave a brand new, unused cell phone at the top of her stairs. I would think that if he had accidentally left a phone, it would have been his own, well-used cell phone. That would make sense.
The rest of your post was full of really good advice...

Anyhow, OP...Hopefully things are OK, and I hope you all can get some closure on this soon.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

OMG, this sounds like a scary situation. I hope they can find out who the phone belongs too. How did your sister do through the night?

 

[HelenePA]

If this happened to me and I ever found out it was soon to be ex I wouldn't need a divorce any more.. I'd kill em! I hope your sister is okay!

 

[tink_n_pooh]

Any news yet? I hope OP's sister stayed somewhere else last night

 

[Jenvenza]

Hi everyone - I just wanted to let everyone know we still havent heard back from the police about whose phone it is. My sister is going to call them this afternoon if she hasnt heard back from them by then. Thank you all for your concerns and I really hope that this whole thing has a logical explanation.

The more we all thought about it last night, the more we were convinced it was her sonn to be ex husband. It is the only thing that makes sense - and not much of this makes sense right now. He has shown to be very unstable in the past few months since they have split up, so I am sorry, but I do not put anything past him. When my sister told the police she was pretty sure he wouldnt harm her, the officer said men do crazy things when there are children and money involved, so it is always better to be safe than sorry.

He has nothing at her house, so he cannot use that as an excuse. He took everything that was his, so there would be no good reason why he was in the house.

She didnt stay with me last night, and I talked to her this morning and she sounded exhausted. She said that she didnt sleep well - I imagine I wouldnt have either.

So, we are just waiting now for an update! I hope it happens so! We are all going crazy wanting to know who it belongs to!

 

[Piglets Mommy]

Wow. So scary. Hope the OP and Her DSis are ok!

 

[Jenvenza]

Well I take that as a huge compliment because your daughter is gorgeous! And yes, I can see that too.

ETA: I just showed Scooner your daughter's picture and i asked who it was and she said her own name!

That is hilarious!!

 

[Ilivetogo]

Sending mental good thoughts to your sister (and you!). I sincerely hope everything turns out okay in the long run.

I DO have to agree with others when they talk about the dogs. I believe that since they weren't barking or freaking out, that's because they know him. If it was another person (like the electrician, or a burglar) they would have been acting differently.

I wish she would come stay with you. It would make ME feel better!!

 

[k_reile]

oh how scary. Please keep us updated.

 

[vettechick99]

Thanks for the update.

I was just thinking that the most logical explanation is it being her ex. He was there looking for papers and whatnot and he left the phone there accidentally - fell out of his pocket? Then he called it trying to find it and it rang when she was at home. That makes the most sense, compared to him trying to scare her or an intruder leaving the phone and not taking anything of value. JMO.

Sorry if this is a repeat question, but has anyone contacted the ex to find out what he knows about it all? Not that he'd tell the truth even if he was involved in this mess.

Can't wait to hear more on this!

 

[Imzadi]

Sorry if this is a repeat question, but has anyone contacted the ex to find out what he knows about it all? Not that he'd tell the truth even if he was involved in this mess.

Can't wait to hear more on this!

I think that would be better left up to the police, in person. They could ask him, where were you April 7th between the hours of -- can you verify it. And is this your cellphone? They would be able to judge by his response if he's lying. he might also not know where he lost the cellphone - if it's really his. And last, having the police question him, might scare him enough and make him straighten up, since he's baeen acting unstable recently. Also, the police may be able to judge how much of a potential threat he is by his reaction to being found out, if it was him.

In the matter of retraining orders or Court orders of protection, (I thought the courts have to issue both, not the police? ) the retrainee will react in one of two ways: either he becomes angry about the order and ignores it - it is only a piece of paper after all, OR it subdues him, as he does have some respect or fear of the law. The Police can judge which way he might react. They've had plenty of experience at it.