My Sister Hates Being a Mother

[goofygirl]

Kelsie, I think you are the exception to the rule. There' s some cases where women who never wanted children had them anyway, and then they grew into the part of motherhood and things turned out ok. But like I said, I think these women are the *exception* amongst women who dont/didnt want children. Most women who arent maternal stay non-maternal. They cant be converted. You cant force maternal instinct to be there. Its like forcing yourself to be in love with someone when the whole while your heart says youre not in love with them- it aint gonna work! Its not wrong or right, its just the way it is.

You shouldnt have a child if you are not in love with the idea of having one.
Just like you shouldnt marry someone you are not in love with.

 

[Pooh93]

I am sorry becka, this is a difficult situation for all involved and it seems like if something doesn't change, your bil and sister will be looking at some tough decisions to make in their marriage. I agree that people adament about not having kids should not have them. I'm glad your parents are able to be there and help too.

On one note...my parents divorced when I was very young and I am an only child that was raised by my dad and I didn't turn out so bad. Do I feel like my mother abandoned me...yes at times. Would I ever do that to my dd's? NO, because I know how it felt/feels.

On another note, my sil has basically abandoned her daughter and never bonded with her. My mil and other sil are raising her. The child is only 6 and has trouble relating to kids and adults alike. She has never had the stability that she needed and I can see her having big time problems down the road.

Moral of the story...every situation is different. Hang in there.

 

[Michelle]

Becka, I am so sad to hear this and I know it must be heartbreaking for everyone in the family to see this.

It is absolutely vital to a child's emotional and physical development that she feel safe, loved and cared for in her early life. Yes, it's good that there are other family members there to help but they cannot always be there, and that child WILL know that her mother does not love her.

I agree with those who suggest a medical work-up and counseling, but it does not sound like your sister has any interest in changing the situation, so I don't know how much you can do.

Truly sad.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

It does sound really sad Becka. I'm happy that the baby has other family members around that love and care. Not wanting to care for the baby or be with the baby are signs of Post Partum Depression, but you could be right in thinking that isn't the whole problem or even part of the problem.

Unfortunately I don't think anybody will be able to convince your sister to seek any kind of Assistance or Counselling, even if it would help.

Hopefully she knows enough now to not have any more children.

 

[SilverLily]

I agree with Disney845 somewhat. Just because someone doesn't want children does not mean that they need psychological help. However......someone who is opposed to something so serious and does it anyway to please her man does need psychological help. She may have self-esteem issues. And to top it off, she may also be suffering from PPD. It is worth it to get that checked out.

If it is clearly a case of her never wanting children, and resenting the child now that she is here, then I think a divorce would be best.

The husband may also benefit from some counseling. He needs to learn why he had a baby with someone who didn't want children. He needs to learn to not make the same mistake again, and to learn to find someone who is more compatible with him.

And on a personal note, it pisses me off that people like that have healthy, beautiful children when there are so many people who can't have children, who have miscarriages, who experience their child's death.....sometimes it seems like there is no justice in this world.

 

[helenabear]

This is just so sad to hear... I wish I had advice but I don't

 

[Rajah]

SilverLily said what I was going to, so I won't repeat other than to say that she should be checked out for PPD. If it isn't PPD, then IMHO the best thing for the child would, sadly, be a divorce with the child going with the husband.

 

[catsrule]

Very sad story becka. I hope things work out.

 

[Blondie]

The whole situation is just so sad.

She shouldn't have "agreed" to have a child, she should've wanted to have the child.

Such a shame when you think of all the women in the world who would give almost anything to have a baby.

 

[zulaya]

For those who don't know why...and maybe becka can correct me if I am wrong...but I think becka's sister had a competitive thing going. Like, "My sister's having a baby so I am going to have one too so she doesn't have something I don't."

That being said, her total lack of responsibility to this child, is appalling. I have known a few people who became pregnant be accident, decided to have the baby, and while weren't the best parents in the world, still took on the responsibility of caring for the child.

I don't care for divorce in any case, believing that problems can be worked out, but in this case, I hate to say it, but it doesn't seem like becka's sister is going to change her tune. It might be better for her baby and her husband for her to not be in the picture with the attitude she has now.

 

[abaldacci]

Becka,
I hope everything works out for the best what ever that might be.

 

[ellyn2000]

I can't think of a sadder thing than to be raised by a mother that doesn't know how to nurture or love a child. I pray that her heart will change.

 

[shortbun]

I'm sorry your family is going through this and I'm
sorry for your neice. I don't know your sister but I
can't blame her more than her husband who
selfishly insisted she become a mother. Anyone
with any sense knows people rarely change. Don't
be hard on your sister-she is merely going by her
instincts. How could your BIL leave for NINE DAYS
knowing what he was leaving behind? They should
hire inhome help or get an aupair. Your sister can love
her child in her own way-everyone trying to force her
to become someone she is not may drive her away
permanently. My son's best friend is an ignored child
who's parents have her in child care or with someone
else every chance they can. She's a lovely little girl with
some behavior issues. I love her all I can, so do some
other women I know. Perhaps your neice will develop
motherly relationships with other women. Family of origin
does not have to be family of choice. Good luck and try
to forgive your sister. Help her all you can-she's in a
really bad spot.

 

[snoopy]

This is just so sad.

I work with a woman who likes children, just doesn't care for the responsibility of babies. She and her husband just recently adopted an older child - they seem very happy.

Too bad your sister and her husband didn't think of alternatives, or perhaps decided not to have children at all.

That being said, the baby is now here, so there isn't much you can do about it except offer the child your love and support. If your sister stays in the picture and continues to resent her child, she is sure to be one sad little child.

 

[Planogirl]

I agree with the others that this is a very sad situation. I can't add anything except to ask that you let us know what they decide to do. I hope that it all works out somehow.

 

[bsnyder]

Originally posted by becka

On top of feeling sad I am also starting to feel a lot of anger towards my sister. She has the opportunity to stay home with her baby until next summer and all she wants to do is to find a job (any job) that just pays enough to put her daughter in daycare! I would give my right arm to have the opportunity to stay home with DS!

Becka, just a thought....maybe your sister could pay YOU to stay home and take care of your DS and her baby.

 

[nancy679]

I dont know what the financial aspects of this situtation, but instead of thinking about divorce, your BIL could be a stay at home dad, if your sister is studying to be a lawyer, she could continue with her career and your niece could still have a family atmosphere. I know a few families that the mom makes more money than the dad, so the dad stays home.

 

[becka]

Thanks for your prayers and words of advice.

It is a very difficult situation all around. No one really understands why she decided to be a mother since she never had any desire to have kids and she has never been the real maternal type.

My entire family keeps hoping that she will somehow start to feel differently and perhaps someday she will but she is the one that is going to have to make the changes. My BIL has never seemed to be the controlling type and I am really convinced (so is my Mom) that my sister probably initiated the pregnancy on her own and probably had BIL convinced that she had changed her mind.

I forget who mentioned it earlier in the thread but yes my sister is the competitive type and she is always trying to compete with me. We buy a new car then she buys a new car. We bought a house so she had to buy a house. We announced we were having a baby and then bam! 4 months later they are having a baby. She is very smart but sometimes she just does not think!

I think I actually posted a few months back about this very situation being my fear and how I was going to feel partly responsible. I know that it is not my fault but I can't stand to think about my niece growing up with a mother that never really wanted her. I am going to try my best to be a great aunt but I do live over 7 hours away so it will be hard. Thankfully my parents live about 30 minutes from her and they have been very involved so far. They are just as concerned as I am - probably more - and I at least feel better knowing that they are looking out for everyone.

I don't know what it going to happen. It has only been about a month and I have not heard anyone mention divorce but I can't imagine this will be good for their marriage. I know they have been fighting but then again so have DH and I and we really like our kid. I know that the adjustment no matter what the situation is stressful.

BIL may eventually become a stay at home Dad but not right now. He just got this job as an admissions officer for a college which is why he has to travel. (The job thing is a whole other situation - they could not afford to have the baby on what he was making prior so he had to take this job even though it means being out of town for weeks.) My sister was going to finish law school and then my BIL was going to get his Ph.D. and become a college history professor (he is a huge Civil War scholar and has already written a book).

I think I am just starting to ramble now so I should get off. I just got DS to bed and I probably should head that way myself.

 

[bsnyder]

Becka, I didn't realize you lived at a distance from your sister, obviously my idea of taking care of the baby wouldn't work.

Hugs to you, and I hope that the situation gets better soon.

 

[disykat]

Becca, best wishes to your family in this sad situation!

I have to comment to Disney845 - I have to agree sis needs counseling. In no way do I think not wanting children means you need counseling, but that someone who DOES have kids and doesn't want them needs help to deal with the situation!

I also have to comment about growing up without a mother figure. I think what people were saying is that having your mother not treat you in a motherly way could be damaging - not that orphans or people living only with dad will be damaged.

Even someone who does not want the responsibility of caring for a child's day to day needs can learn to treat them lovingly. Maybe sis can put the child in daycare, let her dh take the majority of the childcare - yet still find something she can share with the child. I think a counselor would be able to help her find her own special way to relate to the child - maybe a hobby, reading, or other special interest. An example might be if she is a Disney fan - starting a collection for the child and as she grows making it something special they can do together. Maybe sis can agree to take on one aspect of care and do that lovingly if she knows that she won't have other responsibilities. If she doesn't feel overwhelmed and resentful maybe her love can grow. It sounds like sis CHOSE to have this child, but just has unrealistic expectations for how motherhood will affect her.

Unfortunately helping her become a mother is going to be hard to do without enabling her to avoid her responsibilities. Becoming a mom by baby steps is pretty hard to do with an infant!