My Sister Hates Being a Mother

[becka]

I don't know whether to ask for prayers, good thoughts, sympathy or what in this case.

I don't know if many of you have paid any attention to some of the issues I have had with my sister in the past but if you have then you know she and I have never really gotten along very well. She is a very selfish person and she just drives me crazy.

She and her husband just had a beautiful, healthy baby girl almost 4 weeks ago. My sister has never wanted kids however she married a man that did want kids. We pleaded with her before her marriage to talk things out seriously with her husband because this was an issue you did not want to disagree on. We don't really know how much of a conversation (if any) really took place but she made some kind of comment along the lines of she "agreed" to have a kid or two. She didn't want them - she agreed to them.

Fast forward about 7 months and my sister is pregnant. She is working part-time and attending law school when she got pregnant and she plans on taking "a few days off" to have the baby and then return to school and her job. She never sounded excited about the baby and she certainly complained enough about pregnancy. We kept hoping that maybe as she progressed that she would get more excited or at least when the baby got here she would realize something.

Well the baby has been here for almost a month and things are not going well. This is her husband's baby according to her. She has done her part. She doesn't want to hold her and she has really not bonded at all with her. Everytime my parents went to see the baby in the last few weeks they never saw my sister holding her...her husband was always the one holding her, feeding her, changing her, etc. It would almost sound like post-partum depression except for her own personal history about disliking kids and never wanting them. She ended up taking a leave of absense from law school because she was on bed rest the last 3 weeks of her pregnancy so she missed too much. She is planning on returning to school next summer. However, she has now decided that she needs to find a full-time job that will pay for full-time day care for the baby so she doesn't have to deal with her! She wants to send the baby to daycare all day and then have her husband take care of the baby all evening and night. Right now she does sort of take care of the baby during the day but apparently as soon as her husband gets home she hands her over to him and he does everything until he leaves again. Not suprisingly she and her DH are fighting quite a bit.

Her DH went on a business trip for the past 9 days and my Mom was so worried that she had my sister and the baby move in with them until her DH gets back. My Mom says that my sister leaves the baby care to my parents and she does what little she has to. She just doesn't want to be with her. She will feed her if she can't get someone else to and then puts her back down to sleep. If she cries my sister just leaves her there to cry because she can't handle it.

It is really sad. I feel bad for my niece, my BIL, my parents even a little sorry for my sister in that she does not know what she is missing out on. I am over 7 hours away so there is not much I can do.

On top of feeling sad I am also starting to feel a lot of anger towards my sister. She has the opportunity to stay home with her baby until next summer and all she wants to do is to find a job (any job) that just pays enough to put her daughter in daycare! I would give my right arm to have the opportunity to stay home with DS!

I know none of you can help but I do believe in the power of prayer/good thoughts, etc. so I am thinking that the only thing I can really do is to pray for her, my niece and the rest of my family that she has a change of heart quickly.

Thanks for reading.....

 

[caitycaity]

what a difficult situation.

i hope it works out for everyone involved.

 

[snowball22]

Wow!!! How very sad!! I think your sister needs some major help!! I feel so sorry for the baby.

 

[jx3smom]

Oh that is so sad. Your sister does not know how lucky she is. Good thoughts to you and your family.

 

[bsnyder]

Maybe she can get some counseling, it sounds like she has serious some issues to work out.

I hope things get better with this sad situation, Becka. For the baby's sake, being supportive of your sister is probably the only thing you can do at this point.

 

[Mskanga]

Becka;
I'm really disturbed with this , if your sister feels this way she should have never had a baby. For the baby's sake I'm praying that she will have a change of heart , if she doesn't , the baby will suffer. I'm sorry but she sounds very selfish to me.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

 

[aahmom1]

That poor baby, how sad for her I can't stand to think of a baby just crying and nobody picking it up, that breaks my heart. Hopefully her maternal instincts kick in or maybe her husband will just end up raising the baby on his own, better than having a Mom who doesn''t care about her. Poor baby.

 

[Serena]

I am so sorry. I don't have any advice, I wish I did.

 

[Lucky4me]

Selfish is not the word.

The only blessing you can take from this whole thing is your parents innvolvement and the babys Fathers. As long as she has someone who loves her dearly, she'll be okay. Actually, the best thing for her would be to go into daycare 10 hours a day rather than stay home with an uninterested, uncaring, and cold Mother.

Don't be angry at your sister for not wanting to stay home. In her own way she is doing what is best for her child. Instead, why don't you become her Angel Aunt? When she's a little older, call her on the phone, visit as much as possible, send her little cards and gifts, and tell her how great she is. She's going to need that.

I will pray for your sister but I'm afraid someone with feelings that strong, that have lasted that long, will not change. All you can do is be there to support the baby and her husband. Good luck!

 

[LindaR]

This is VERY disturbing. Your sister AND her husband need to seek help right away. He holds alot of responsibility in what has happened and what happens in the future. I don't believe that she is going to develope "maternal instincts" and this child's welfare is at stake.

They need assistance to acknowledge and work on issues on why a life was created when only one wanted that life.

Choosing to NOT have children is fine and perfectly normal. Why she had one when she obviously didn't want one, and why her behavior is being "enabled" is very unhealthy.

THIS IS VERY SERIOUS.

Perhaps you can annonymously make a few phone calls so that the baby's health and welfare can be checked into, and her mental health examined at the same time.

Your family has seen a problem. You have a responsibility to help a child that cannot seek help for itself before its too late

 

[goofygirl]

She should have stood her ground and not had a baby. She's being punished for not standing her ground, and now there's a baby being punished, too.

Its people like her that get childless by choice people like me MAD!

Let this be a warning to anyone who thinks that someone who does not want kids will later fall in love with the idea of babies. I will tell you point blank: people who do NOT desire kids CANNOT be "converted" into someone who will desire them! Its NOT going to happen!

Your sister is not crazy or selfish, or abnormal. What she is- is someone who has betrayed her desires to please her man. I blame her husband as well. He should of been more understanding of her wishes not to have children, and should not have pressured her. You did not say he pressured her, but I have a feeling that he did.

The only way I can see this resolved, is sadly, through a divorce where her DH gets full custody of the baby. That way, he will have the child he wanted, and she can reclaim her childfree life. Hopefully, with all the father's care and attention, the child wont feel rejection from her mother.

 

[Robinrs]

This is a NIGHTMARE that will last a lifetime! A child that doesn't bond with her mother becomes a problem to everyone she deals with in the future....

Unfortunately, we as adults have dealt with alot of these grown up children....

I agree with everyone, she needs serious psychiatric help. This is truly sad...

 

[A kid at heart]

I have to agree here, she never should have had a child. IF she knew in her heart that she didn't want one, she never should have done it. Mother hood isn't for everyone. She knew this, but she didn't go with it.
In the end her DD will truly feel the repercussions of her mom not wanting her. I hope she gets counseling or the BIL steps up to bat.

 

[DVC-Don]

Same thing happened here a year ago. Two houses down, she never wanted kids. Well a year ago she just up and walked out saying she can not understand why anyone would want to deal with kids and it's not what she expected. She left a 2 yo daughter and 4 yo son. The husband is devistated.

 

[Kelsie]

Originally posted by goofygirl
Let this be a warning to anyone who thinks that someone who does not want kids will later fall in love with the idea of babies. I will tell you point blank: people who do NOT desire kids CANNOT be "converted" into someone who will desire them! Its NOT going to happen!

Once again, I have to disagree with you. And I am doing so based on experience.

This is very sad and your family will be in my thoughts.

 

[honeywolf7]

I knew someone that felt like that and had children anyway...Luckily, she did change once she saw her child. I personally wanted children but I always wanted to adopt not have my own...I always had a feeling labor would be awful (and I did have two very difficult pregnancies) even though everyone always assured me it wasn't that bad. Anyway, prayers for your niece and your brother-in-law are on their way along with prayers that maybe somehow your sister will have a change of heart eventually.

 

[Deb in IA]

I am very sorry for you and your family, becka.

Yes, she should not have had the baby, but now that the baby is here, well, there's no sending it back. The only thing I can suggest is that your sister get a through evaluation for the possibility of post partum depression or other mental issues. I agree, it is probably NOT PPD, given her previous feelings toward children, but it is worth a shot. Also, she and her husband need to get into marriage/family couseling ASAP, to help them sort this mess out.

If nothing changes, I too see a divorce and the baby going with dad in the future (sorry if this is harsh).

 

[Disney845]

Ummm...not that I want to get flamed here but...

When I first read this I thought it was very sad, and I feel for the child in this situation. After reading some of these posts however I think you are going about this in the wrong way.

I agree with everyone, she needs serious psychiatric help.

Wow, where did this come from? A person who doesn't like and/or want children has psychiatric issues? I don't think so. Some people are just not into children. That isn't a major character flaw in my opinion, and it certainly doesn't warrant seeking psychiatric help. I agree that this woman should never have had a child, but forcing the child on her will do nothing more than ruin 3 lives (hers, the baby, her husband) I agree with the posters who have said perhaps a divorce is the best thing so that the husband and the child can lead a normal life without a mother figure who resents both the husband and child.

A child that doesn't bond with her mother becomes a problem to everyone she deals with in the future....

I do not know where you are getting your info, or if you are just making things up off the top of your head. While no one would argue that a loving homelife goes far in producing healthy, well rounded children and subsequent adults, I take personal offense to your claim. Every child who grew up with just a father, or who was orphaned is a "PROBLEM" in your point of view? I don't buy that. People make of life what they are given. If you choose to wallow in the problems of your youth and never rise above them, then yes you might be a "problem." But how can you say that not bonding with a mother has perminently affected all children without maternal guidence. You must be sitting in a fairly lofty position to be able to make this decree.

 

[Teejay32]

It sounds like a month-long pout, becka. The adult equivalent of stomping her foot. I'm sorry.

Are you positive there's no postpartum depression there? Just wondering.

 

[robinb]

I really think this does sound like PPD. She should be treated ASAP for her safety and that of the baby.