My mummy is in the hospital UPDATE post #119

[luvmarypoppins]

Ember, thoughts and prayers are with you during this most difficult time.

 

[lucas]

Ember,

I cannot stop thinking about you and your Mom.

My Mom has some serious health issues going on right now and I am so scared about what is to come.

 

[TinkPinkPoem]

I've also followed quietly.

Many .

 

[Ember]

Today I have nothing positive to say. Today I just hurt like hell. I'm sitting beside my mummy as she breaths gently and I want her back. I want her to wake up and tell me everything will be okay. I want to scream at her that this isn't fair and she can't leave me. I want her to not die.

I feel like I wasted my time with her. That I could have done more, made better choices, helped in some other way... I feel like I didn't do enough, or the right things, or be there in the right way. I feel like I've been selfish, and self centered. There were things she wanted to do that I said no to, like going out for dinner because I was so tired and going out was so much of an effort to get her ready and get the wheel chair... She was almost narcoleptic and would fall asleep in the middle of conversations... And I was so tired after working and caring for her that I said no and put it off. We did go out, a few times a week, but I know she wanted to go out more. And I can't believe I didn't go. How could I have been so cruel? There were also times she wanted me to talk with her and I tried, but she had nothing to say... I would sit close by, and we would watch television or I would read to her, but I never had the right words when she wanted a conversation. And on Friday, before she came into the hospital, I had gone out with a friend. She forgave me for this but I still feel so horribly guilty. I wasted time and now she's almost gone.

I even logically know I have been a good daughter. She told me how happy I had made her several times, and how she was so happy to be living with me. And I know she would hate for me to be feeling this way. If I could talk to her she would tell me not to be so stupid. When we were sitting in emergency, before getting a room, she even wanted me to leave and go shopping because she didn't like me having to sit there being worried. (As if I could think of shopping when my mummy was in the hospital. But then, that was her.)

But today, none of that matters. Today is just full of pain.

 

[tazdev3225]

We all feel this way as we lose a loved one. I cannot relate other than my gram but I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling. I am sure your mother knows that you love her. Regrets are a part of life. From what I have read you were a wonderful daughter and you were there for her. I will keep you in my prayers as you go through this difficult time.

 

[minniecarousel]

Yes, logically, you know you were a terrific daughter! Your heart knows it too. I imagine that all the emotions you have are part of the process.

I wish you peace.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Ember, there's no script for living through something like this. We all just do the best we can with what we have at the time. Please don't beat yourself up over things now. Instead of looking at the things you didn't do, look at the things you did. You and your DH were/are there for her. That's HUGE. And it wasn't an easy road. Somewhere deep inside I'm sure she knows she wasn't an easy "patient" to deal with. In addition to taking care of her needs, you needed to see to your own as well. Nobody can ever fault you for that. Try to remember the good times. Your peace with the situation will transfer to her and you will both be the better for it. Remember we are all there with you in spirit.

 

[RadioNate]

Today I have nothing positive to say. Today I just hurt like hell. I'm sitting beside my mummy as she breaths gently and I want her back. I want her to wake up and tell me everything will be okay. I want to scream at her that this isn't fair and she can't leave me. I want her to not die.

I feel like I wasted my time with her. That I could have done more, made better choices, helped in some other way... I feel like I didn't do enough, or the right things, or be there in the right way. I feel like I've been selfish, and self centered. There were things she wanted to do that I said no to, like going out for dinner because I was so tired and going out was so much of an effort to get her ready and get the wheel chair... She was almost narcoleptic and would fall asleep in the middle of conversations... And I was so tired after working and caring for her that I said no and put it off. We did go out, a few times a week, but I know she wanted to go out more. And I can't believe I didn't go. How could I have been so cruel? There were also times she wanted me to talk with her and I tried, but she had nothing to say... I would sit close by, and we would watch television or I would read to her, but I never had the right words when she wanted a conversation. And on Friday, before she came into the hospital, I had gone out with a friend. She forgave me for this but I still feel so horribly guilty. I wasted time and now she's almost gone.

I even logically know I have been a good daughter. She told me how happy I had made her several times, and how she was so happy to be living with me. And I know she would hate for me to be feeling this way. If I could talk to her she would tell me not to be so stupid. When we were sitting in emergency, before getting a room, she even wanted me to leave and go shopping because she didn't like me having to sit there being worried. (As if I could think of shopping when my mummy was in the hospital. But then, that was her.)

But today, none of that matters. Today is just full of pain.

You have to stop. Don't do this to yourself. There is nothing to feel guilty about. NOTHING. You loved you mother and she knows that. You did right by her, you did. She knows that too.

Love her, miss her, grieve your loss. It is big. But know you did your best. It was enough, you were enough. She loves you and knows you took care of her. Taking care of yourself isn't wrong and you shouldn't feel bad about the times you did.

I hate that you are going through this.

 

[manning]

'Those we love never go away, they walk beside us everyday.' That's what we put on my Moms headstone. I truely believe it. God bless you.

As long as their names are mentioned their memories will never die, They will be in your heart forever!!

 

[piglet50]

please stop beating yourself up. i looked after a parent in the same way as you did. neither of our attitudes was always perfect. sometimes we were happy and enjoyed each other and sometimes we were not always sunshine and light to each other. we both did the best we could at the time. unless you've been there, you don't know how hard this is to do. the bottom line is that you did look after your mom. she knew it and appreciated it. you both love each other in good times and bad. no one could ask for more than that.
i wish you peace.

 

[Briarmom]

 

[amyy]

I am glad you a place to talk/write because it is too much to keep inside.

Thinking of you.

 

[Robinrs]

Oh, Ember, I feel your pain.

I, too, came to the DIS when I was losing my Mom. It was horrible, heart wrenching... but I made it.

and you will too. I know it seems impossible to believe now but I know your strength will get you thru.

You've been an AMAZING daughter, you sacrificed above and beyond your ability.

As my dear Mom always said, Good moms, dads and children NEVER feel like they ever did enough, they never feel like they are truly good.

But those they were good to... treasure them forEVER.

You did all the right things. None of us are perfect. You loved her and she knew it. KNOW THAT.

Guilt is the one part of grieving that stops us from progressing. It's only fed and grows stronger by our minds. It also can be strangled and made to disappear by our minds. It's time to stop giving it life.

Your Mom loves you for all you did for her. I know now it seems hard to believe but remember her before all of this took her from you. Remember her like that.

God bless you...

 

[bumbershoot]

Oh please don't beat up on yourself. You have been incredible. She knows it, and even you know it...listen to your logical side and don't "should" on yourself. Just be gentle and easy with yourself, OK?

 

[charming23]

Ember,

Do not beat yourself up about this. You have done everything you could to be there for your mother and she knows that. I know how hard it is during this time to not think about the "what ifs", they creep into your mind and make you question everything. But don't listen to them.

I am not sure I would have the same strength as you have shown if I was in your situation. My dad passed fairly quickly after he got his final infection and there was no long term caring of him.

God bless you and your mom. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[mickeyboat]

I don't have any wise words. I know this is incredibly painful for you, but it sounds to me like your mom could not have had a better and more devoted daughter.

Many

Denae

 

[pixiewings71]

Oh Ember, my heart is breaking for you. You are not selfish, you're a loving giving daughter who has done so much for her Mummy. Remember the DLR trip she wanted so bad, you took her and you had a GREAT time. Sweetie, remember the good things, not the things that you feel guilty for. You are wonderful and you need to remember that. It reminds me of the song by Jamie O'Neal, Somebody's Hero. Listen to Ember and always remember that you ARE Somebody's Hero. (((HUGS))) to you.

 

[Katy Belle]

Sending you hugs, hugs, hugs. I have followed your story and been so impressed with the love and care you have given to your mother. She knows the care you've given and the love you have for her. You have done a marvelous job.

 

[Ember]

This morning my mummy's breathing is worse. She has a death rattle that means death is close by, probably today. Both the nurses and my own reading suggest this is more disquieting to me than it is a discomfort to her. (But they aren't kidding about the disquiet to me, it's an awful sound.)

We have had visits from friends we haven't seen in years and all our family who is in the city have come. My circle of friends have been here every day, taking turns in rotation to feed me. This has probably meant more to me than anything. I have four of the best friends in the world and if I ever doubted it, I was a fool. DH has also been amazing, living with me at the hospital since Friday.

I am feeling a little more at peace today after a rather emotional crying fest, though I'm sure there are many more of those to come.

I have to admit, I'm a little scared to go home. For the first time since June my mum won't be there when I walk in. What a horrible prospect.

 

[luvmy3]

You and your mum will be in my thoughts today.