My mom - what a piece of work (update post 84/125/149/154)

[Disney Doll]

Hindsight is always 20/20 OP, and there are always a lot of "armchair quarterbacks" in these situations.

My feeling is that most parents try to do the best they can. Sometimes it isn't good enough, sometimes it's better than good. This time maybe you should have done something differently, next time you'll do great! Live & learn...

If your DD doesn't seem much worse for the wear, then you go on from here with your Mom...you hold the cards now...no mental help, no seeing your kids. Stand firm in that.

 

[bubie2.5]

However, in one of her posts she says something about when her DD accidentally hit her grandma when she was "going after her," grandma said something like "just like your mother." This leads me to believe there were violent attacks in the past toward OP, just not to the grandkids.

I thought the same thing. It's never black and white, and we obviously don't have the whole picture. In this case I'll reserve judgement.

 

[lillygator]

THat is not correct. The grandmother was whining and crying locked in a room. She was not aggressive in any way toward her granddaughter.

w/e in the OP, she stated the grandma was pushing dd away while trying to hug her, I never said aggresively but come on???

 

[Lisa_M]

any updates OP?

 

[jen0610]

DH and I had to go to mom and dads this weekend. Dance classes started this week for DD and her bag with all of her shoes was at their house. We called and talked to dad, told him what we were looking for and asked him to look for it.

When we got there, all hell had broken out. She "caught him snooping" and when she found out we were coming for DD "things", it went bad. She took 90% of the stuff that both kids had there - clothing, games, movies - and tossed them on the loveseat and floor. She had retreated to her bedroom, so when we got there we loaded up the car. We were just there really to get the dance shoes, but I wasn't gonna just leave it there.

Once we got everything out to the car, the bag of shoes was still missing. I double checked her van for it. I went into the room where she keeps the kids stuff. Even checked a couple of her hiding places. Wasn't in any of these places. Dad finally went into their bedroom and asked where it was. He came out and said she wants to talk to you. I told him fine, but he was going to be in the room and DH had to go back there as well.

I get in the room and ask her what she wants. She states I said I want to talk to her. Told her I was right there. No, she wants to talk to DD. Told her that she wasn't there, which she wasn't. Mom screams at us that if DD wants her shoes, then she has to come get them and talk to her alone. DH piped up that DD doesn't want to speak to her and that even if she did, it wouldn't be alone. She just starts screaming at all 3 of us. DH said something about if the shoes don't go with us, then DD just won't dance until we can afford to buy replacements. We all leave the room, with dad pulling the door shut behind us. Next thing we know she is throwing the bag down the hall at us, screaming fine, just take them. Called her bluff. We knew she wouldn't let DD go without her dance shoes.

We haven't heard anything else outta her. Dad said she still hasn't come outta their room for any lenght of time.

If someone can tell me how to post pics, because I have tried a dozen times and it's not working, I will show what she had and what she went to.

 

[Jennasis]

Your mother is a sick, sick woman. God help you all.

 

[horseshowmom]

Bless your heart. Your mother definitely has some issues, and she's not dealing well with the situation as it unravels.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Holy crap, Jen, hang in there.

She's not going to willingly seek help, you're going to have to keep doing what you're doing-an implacable wall that consists of you, your dad and your husband, standing there united against her behavior (not her) until she changes or you can get help for her.

You may want to hold off posting photos, sometimes it's good to cool off before you put stuff out there. That's from my "been there done that wish I hadn't" folder...

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I love the way you handled this most recent situation. Good job for you and DH staying strong.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH and I had to go to mom and dads this weekend. Dance classes started this week for DD and her bag with all of her shoes was at their house. We called and talked to dad, told him what we were looking for and asked him to look for it.

When we got there, all hell had broken out. She "caught him snooping" and when she found out we were coming for DD "things", it went bad. She took 90% of the stuff that both kids had there - clothing, games, movies - and tossed them on the loveseat and floor. She had retreated to her bedroom, so when we got there we loaded up the car. We were just there really to get the dance shoes, but I wasn't gonna just leave it there.

Once we got everything out to the car, the bag of shoes was still missing. I double checked her van for it. I went into the room where she keeps the kids stuff. Even checked a couple of her hiding places. Wasn't in any of these places. Dad finally went into their bedroom and asked where it was. He came out and said she wants to talk to you. I told him fine, but he was going to be in the room and DH had to go back there as well.

I get in the room and ask her what she wants. She states I said I want to talk to her. Told her I was right there. No, she wants to talk to DD. Told her that she wasn't there, which she wasn't. Mom screams at us that if DD wants her shoes, then she has to come get them and talk to her alone. DH piped up that DD doesn't want to speak to her and that even if she did, it wouldn't be alone. She just starts screaming at all 3 of us. DH said something about if the shoes don't go with us, then DD just won't dance until we can afford to buy replacements. We all leave the room, with dad pulling the door shut behind us. Next thing we know she is throwing the bag down the hall at us, screaming fine, just take them. Called her bluff. We knew she wouldn't let DD go without her dance shoes.

We haven't heard anything else outta her. Dad said she still hasn't come outta their room for any lenght of time.

If someone can tell me how to post pics, because I have tried a dozen times and it's not working, I will show what she had and what she went to.

Wow.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Unless she goes into some sort of intensive treatment, stay away from her and keep your kids away from her. Mental illness often gets progressively worse as the ill person ages and I would never want something to happen to you or your family.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks for the update!

I am glad to hear that you and your DH are now protecting your kids from her. I hope you will not let your family fall back into the previous kind of relationship.

Have you thought about focusing on how to get your mother some kind of help? Other than maintaining a very firm boundary, that would have to be the best thing that could come of all of this.

 

[ZachnElli]

OP, I have no words of wisdom for you, but you aren't alone. Your mom is exactly like my mil and your dad like my fil. He's always making excuses for her. My mil is no longer violent though, her health just won't allow it. But she use to be very violent with her kids and even grandkids. One of my first visits to her house, I witnessed her hitting her 18 month old granddaughter with a wooden spoon repeatedly. My dh said she use to hit with anything and everything she could find. And the screaming! Why do they scream like that?! Everything is always about her. Currently she is not speaking to any of her kids, let alone grandkids. She'll hide in her room if you go over to see her. I have my sil (married dh's brother, so we both married in) and I don't know how either of us would survive this crazy family without each other! We sure do lean on each other when it comes to the in-laws and we make sure to schedule visits at the exact same time. No one says anything to mil about her needing help. 4 kids and a husband and no one says anything!

 

[sbell111]

Wow. I'm not a huggy person by a long shot but here you go:

The best you can do is to keep telling her that you guys love her, but that she needs to get some help before you can associate with her. It stinks, but it is what it is.

 

[disneyismyname]

Hang in there Jen.
Your mother needs help.

 

[lillygator]

omg, she sounds like a pc of wrk, I would be so done with that relationship!

 

[Disney Doll]

Not much you can do. Sounds like she had some sort of psychotic "break" with the first incident which has not improved.

At some point, she will get nasty with the wrong person (ie-a stranger, a repairman, the mailman), her behavior will be totally inappropriate, that person won't take it from a stranger and the police will be called and then she will be forced to get some kind of help. Until then, you need to just stay away, support your Dad as much as possible as long as it is away from your Mom, and wait for the other shoe to drop.

 

[Darsa]

Wow, to you and your family. I'm sorry that you have to put up with this! I know what you mean about being able to afford dance shoes; my DD had misplaced her tap shoes, luckily found them, but was lectured on how much in the way of chores she would have had to do to replace them!

 

[N&B'smom]

Wow. I can't believe the way she behaves, how manipulative. Good for you for not taking it and standing your ground. I have to say, my heart REALLY goes out to your Dad, I don't know how he puts up with all of that!

 

[jen0610]

Wow, to you and your family. I'm sorry that you have to put up with this! I know what you mean about being able to afford dance shoes; my DD had misplaced her tap shoes, luckily found them, but was lectured on how much in the way of chores she would have had to do to replace them!

I looked it up Monday. If I went and bought local here, it was right around $250.00 for all 5 shoes. On line would have been around $175.00. And that is going with a cheaper shoe than what she currently has. Plus the DDs foot varies for shoe maker to maker. God only knows what sizes I would have needed to order.

Wow. I can't believe the way she behaves, how manipulative. Good for you for not taking it and standing your ground. I have to say, my heart REALLY goes out to your Dad, I don't know how he puts up with all of that!

He stays out of the house as much as possible. He turned 73 back in April. He works 2 part time jobs, which added together is about 35 hours a week. He's the president of their HOA. Decan at the church. Sits on the church board, head of the committee that oversees the nursery school/daycare center at the church. Is on the board that oversees the churchs summer camps. And when he is at home, he has a 32 inch tv w/Fios and DVD player in the garage, so he can just stay out there.