my kids are spoiled

[bonybroad]

I just seriously put my head down and cried this evening.
My sons are 6 and 8, and they truly don't appreciate anything.
Every meal is a fight.
Every thing we do give them leads to something else they want. They won't pick up after themselves.
They fight constantly.
They whine if we tell them no or ask them to do something.
I know this is my fault, but I don't know how to un-spoil them. I am actually regretting planning a surprise trip to Disney for them because I know they will be even more demanding.
We have tried chore charts, but it didn't work well.
I read that you should only reward positive behavior and ignore the behavior you don't want. I can only ignore the fighting so long.
Does anyone else feel like this? What did you do to fix it?

 

[brymolmom]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. But by acknowleging it now - you can work to get out of it. You just need to decide on a plan and STICK TO IT - it will NOT be easy, but think how nice it will be on the othe side.

I, for one, at those ages for the kids am NOT into the only rewarding positive behavior. They are old enough to know right from wrong, and with wrong, IMO, comes consequences.

I would sit them down, similar to Supernanny show (watch it for ideas if you haven't), and go over the new family rules - all written down formally. Now, don't go overboard all at once, but concentrate on a few things - sounds like maybe mealtime and cleaning up/chores should be what you should start with. Work out rules that you (and spouse if there is one) can live with and can ENFORCE, it will do no good if you put things on there that you will not live up to on the consequence end. Some examples that would be in my house - but need to tailor it to your own kids and house for whatever will work.

RULES:

Mealtime
-You may eat from anything that is on the table at mealtime. Or, you may choose not to eat. If you do not eat you will not eat anything else until the next meal. If you eat what is on your plate with no complaints and you are still hungry - you may select a healthy snack to eat in addition to your meal. These options include: an apple, applesauce, carrot sticks, yogurt. If you complain about the meal or fight with anyone during a meal, you will be given one warning - if you continue with the inappropriate behavior, you will be sent to your room and that meal is over for you. Again, with nothing to eat until the next mealtime.

Chores/Clean-up
These are the chores that you must do daily:
-Make your bed
-Take care of your own plates from the table - put in dishwasher
-Clean up any toys/games that you play with

If you do not complete these chores when asked or complain/fight about doing them, you will get one warning. If you still choose not to do what is asked you will have no screentime for the rest of that day - this includes, TV, computer and Wii.

If you go for more than one day in a row without doing your chores, you will not be allowed to play with friends or ride your bike until the chores are completed.

This is just an example - adjust it to your own kids and what will get to them and how they'll know you're serious. Sit down and let them know that things have to change and you're all going to change. Let them know that one of the new rules for you is not to yell(I'm guessing this is part of the fighting that you don't like). Let them know that you will follow-through on the consequences. And maybe even let them help decide some of the consequences. Mark a date on the calendar that you will all start with your NEW FAMILY RULES. Talk about how it is a good thing and will be tough at first but it is necessary because they are growing up and everyone needs to start helping out in the family when that happens.

Good luck and stay strong!

 

[bonybroad]

Thank you very much!
Actually, SuperNanny (or Nanny911) was what made me realize how bad it has become at our house. I was watching it, the kids were running the house, and the mother was just nagging and screaming. It was like my twin. My husband and I love our kids so much, just like everyone, but I really don't want to raise two self-involved unappreciative stinkers!
I am going to work on the "rules" tonight.
Unfortunately, we have to spend all day tomorrow at the ballfield (yep, for them) and Sunday we have another all-day function. How sad it is that you don't even have time to make rules for your family?

 

[christa112]

Good Luck!!!

I can totally relate. My kids are really spoiled as well. They need nothing. My DD is turning 5 on Sunday and I am baffled on what to get her. I have definately changed my habits, they use to get something everytime we would go some where and we broke that. They still ask for stuff, but the answer is usually NO!!!

My kids are not out of control, they are pretty good kids. Of course they have their moments, just like everyone does.

 

[Liltx]

Thank you very much!
Actually, SuperNanny (or Nanny911) was what made me realize how bad it has become at our house. I was watching it, the kids were running the house, and the mother was just nagging and screaming. It was like my twin. My husband and I love our kids so much, just like everyone, but I really don't want to raise two self-involved unappreciative stinkers!
I am going to work on the "rules" tonight.
Unfortunately, we have to spend all day tomorrow at the ballfield (yep, for them) and Sunday we have another all-day function. How sad it is that you don't even have time to make rules for your family?

I would totally blow off the baseball tomorrow. That would show your children the seriousness of the situation.

At our house our children do not get present unless it is christmas or their birthday. We just do not buy things for them at the stores. They know this so it is not an issue. They talk and plan for their birthdays and Christmas all the time and I think that's great, they are learning patience.

If they don't like dinner they don't have to eat it but complaining is not necessary because the rule is that if they don't eat they can have one piece of bread before bed but no dessert. It is consistent so they don't whine and they know the options. Our dr. lets his kids have a half cup of cheerios. I am not going to fight the loosing battle of making them eat something they don't like but making them go to bed completely empty is too harsh for us.

Our children use the problem solving approach and now at 4 and 6 they work out their own problems 80% of the time. You have to teach it though and do it each time there is a conflict. This can take several months and is time consuming at first.
1. approach CALMLY and acknowlege each child's feelings "you look really mad, upset, sad etc"
2. gather information from each child one at a time- it is important to just listen and not comment on what you feel is right or wrong
3. restate the problem "So you want to play with the Wii but you (brother) say you had it first"
4. Ask the children for solutions to the problem and be ready to offer suggestion, agree on a solution together
5. restate the solution "OK, so you are going to play for 10 minutes and then it will be brothers turn"
6. stay close to provide support for follow through
This really works but does take effort.

The whining about chores or saying no only happens if you sometimes give in. If you are firm EVERYtime and make them follow through they will not whine because it gets them nowhere. But you cannot allow them to bargin with you. So pick carefully what you say no to and make sure you really care.

One last thing, you need to set expectations before each activity. Tell them in advance what you are and are not willing to do, purchase etc. This will help you all. Example: Before going to the movies say I will buy a small popcorn for you both to share but I will not buy candy. If you ask for candy then we will not buy the popcorn. Or give a choice of one or the other. Before Target tell them they can pick out a fruit to buy but you are not buying toys or snack foods. Before the park say we are going to the park for 45 minutes, I will tell you when you have 5 minutes left and then when it's time to go, if you don't come we will skip the park next week.

You can turn all of this around but you have to make it the first priority.

Monica

 

[ilandrazdsw]

Good Luck!!!

I can totally relate. My kids are really spoiled as well. They need nothing. My DD is turning 5 on Sunday and I am baffled on what to get her. I have definately changed my habits, they use to get something everytime we would go some where and we broke that. They still ask for stuff, but the answer is usually NO!!!
My kids are not out of control, they are pretty good kids. Of course they have their moments, just everyone does.

SIL and her DS went on a shopping trip to the US with DD and me. Both kids were just under 2 at the time. Granted this was a shopping trip, but it was more for household needs and Christmas gifts than personal needs. EVERY time we went in a shop SIL had to find a toy that DS wanted, let him play with it through the store and then buy it for him. Well, my DD saw this happening (even at her young age) and tried to pull it with me a few times in which I replied..."we don't get everything we want!" Now when she or ds pull the whiny "I want" I follow with, "We don't always get what we want, E***" and they stop immediately...DD, especially, doesn't like to be compared with her cousin.

OP, just dig in your heels and be consistent. They may (WILL) try you and rebel, but your the mom and they will eventually get that it is your house, your rules. Good Luck!

 

[brergnat]

I have to wonder, WHY do you feel your kids "deserve" a surprise trip to WDW. If I were you, I'd cancel that sucker tomorrow. Forget the deposit, if you have one. Sometimes, we lose money, and it is to teach US a lesson too. YOU booked that trip, and YOU are the one who seems to be just now realizing that your own kids are not deserving of this trip. OR, better yet, GO on that trip with your husband, and have someone stay with the kids for the week...maybe grandma and grandpa, an aunt/uncle, or hire a babysitter for the week. TELL the kids about the trip, and how it was GOING to be a surprise for them, but they have not earned it. Sometimes, kids need a slap in the face (FIGURATIVELY, not literally) in order to wake up and see that their bad behavior is affecting the whole family, and that there are negative consequences.

I know this sounds harsh, but if Supernanny showed up at your home tomorrow, she'd tell you the same thing...

Perhaps YOU deserve a vacation (I'm not saying you're a bad mother...we all get caught up trying to do the best we can, and sometimes our efforts backfire and sometimes kids just end up being brats...you sound very stressed out.), but now is probably not a good time to go.

You need to do some serious work on your family.

Cancel ALL this weekend's activities. I agree with that PP who suggested that. Putting your KIDS activities first, at this point, seems absurd. YOU are the one calling them spoiled, and you are the one continuing to spoil them, while the positive energy in your home follows a rapid downward spiral. Your marriage is going to suffer from this if you don't take action. Your kids are going to get worse, and you are going to lose control. They are still young enough to change...but YOU and your husband need to work together to make that happen.

Disney will be there later. Use it as a reward for POSITIVE CHANGE. When you feel your kids truly deserve it, and appreciate it, and you can go as a family and TRULY enjoy each other there, ONLY THEN should you go.

Good luck, and HUGS to you!

 

[mjantz]

Good Luck!!!

I can totally relate. My kids are really spoiled as well. They need nothing. My DD is turning 5 on Sunday and I am baffled on what to get her. I have definately changed my habits, they use to get something everytime we would go some where and we broke that. They still ask for stuff, but the answer is usually NO!!!

My kids are not out of control, they are pretty good kids. Of course they have their moments, just everyone does.

One thing we started with our kids from the time they were about 5 or so was the idea that we have to make financial choices. We are not poor but we have to prioritize. So, when they would start whining I would say 'Do you want this toy or do you want to go on vacation next year? Because if we buy a toy every time we go to the store we won't have as much money for our vacation.'.
Now, all I have to say is 'What happens if we get that toy?' & they say 'We won't have as much money for our vacation'. I find this to be a much better method than saying 'We can't afford it'.

 

[StitchFanZ]

Every time they fight at dinner or don't pick up something or whine or whatever you want to work on, I'd take something away. At this age, I found that putting things on top of the refrigerator that they had lost or wanted and letting them earn it back worked well. You don't have to yell, just start picking up things and putting them away or start making notes of no screen time, and let them see you do it. They learn pretty fast.

We then put values on each item. i.e. This one is a 5 star and another is a 20 star. They could earn stars by doing extra chores, no fighting for a given amount of time, going out of their way to be considerate and kind, or whatever you want to reinforce.

I also limited gifts and stuff. Sometimes, I would buy stuff for birthdays and christmas and put some of the things aside for another time if it looked like it might be too much stuff.

Its tough to be consistent but hang in there. One time I had planned a trip to visit Grandma and my DD was really acting up. The end result was she had to stay home and do extra work with DH while her brother and I went to visit Grandma for a week. It worked. One time I was in charge of 6 kids on a school field trip to the zoo. One boy would not stay with the group and where I could see him. I told him if you don't listen we will go sit on that bench for a few hours and wait for the bus to go home. My kids let him know that I would follow thru if he didn't listen, so he did.

Its tough to follow thru and its no fun for anyone but the end result is well worth it.

When they learn that trips and things are priviledges and not rights, then life is much more pleasant. On our last disney trip they both contributed to the trip. They cherished every moment as much as I did.

Hope this helps

 

[theatermouse]

I'm all for being strict & tough love (as my 3-year old is learning), but I'm going to go against what other posters have said...if your kids are on teams & that's why you're at the ballfield all day, do NOT make them miss it. They are part of a team and without your children, the team may have to forfeit the game. Maybe you can use the team to point out to your children how the family team works, too. Besides, you've probably put money into them being on that team. Now, whatever your all-day event is on Sunday is, I don't know, but maybe that is something to be missed. I know some people may not like my answer, but if the kids are committed to the team, it's not fair to everyone else (coaches & other players) if your kids are held back just to start new rules.

I do wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to implement.

 

[bonybroad]

Wow! You all gave some really good suggestions and ideas!
We are going to the ballfield today (like PP said, it's a committment, which I want them to learn to honor). As far as Sunday, it's a fundraiser walk for MS. I actually signed us all up for it, and they asked people for sponsors etc.
So I don't want people to think I am making excuses for this weekend - these ones are legitimate.
I made little posters for their rooms last night.

Make bed
Get dressed
Brush teeth.
Wash face.

This is what they will have to do before I ever see their shining face in the morning.

Then I will see what behaviors need the most work, and focus on them. THey didn't get this way in a day, and it's probably going to take more than a day to fix it.
Thanks all! I love how helpful people are.

 

[duggan6]

i must say, my older boys are 6 & 10 and very much the same way. it's only been over the course of the last year or so that it seems to have gotten worse. i have noticed that at this age it seems to be almost "normal". i have spoken to other friends who have kids similar ages and they are going through the same. not that it makes it any better but you are not the only one.

 

[MichelleVW]

I would totally blow off the baseball tomorrow. That would show your children the seriousness of the situation.

What about the other children on the team? I believe if you make a commitment to be part of a team, you show up.

I'm all for being strict & tough love (as my 3-year old is learning), but I'm going to go against what other posters have said...if your kids are on teams & that's why you're at the ballfield all day, do NOT make them miss it. They are part of a team and without your children, the team may have to forfeit the game. Maybe you can use the team to point out to your children how the family team works, too. Besides, you've probably put money into them being on that team. Now, whatever your all-day event is on Sunday is, I don't know, but maybe that is something to be missed. I know some people may not like my answer, but if the kids are committed to the team, it's not fair to everyone else (coaches & other players) if your kids are held back just to start new rules.

I do wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to implement.

I couldn't agree more.

 

[SLK1]

To the OP, you sound very level-headed about the whole thing. You're right - they didn't get spoiled over night, so take it slow with them. They're not in boot camp, and they are CHILDREN. I'm not sure I know many kids at that age who are not "all about me". You have half the battle won by seeing the problem now. Just by giving it your attention and your desire to change, I'm sure you'll see some positive results soon! I think if you all of a sudden enforce the "tough love" idea, that will only confuse them. Good luck! Oh, and don't think for a second that we all don't have our own little beasts from time to time!!!

 

[zoemurr]

my son was a bit younger when he started acting up.. but I just ignored it and pulled out my video camera. I taped a nice on the floor screaming fit for a few minutes before he realized what I was doing. Then I made him watch it, and threatened to show it to daddy and grandma. (He was pretty horrified..) From then on I ignored the behavior and said, "oh wait.. I have to get the camera.." and the behavior would stop right away.

I would make the consequences quick and firm. Tell them that whining will not be tolerated. If you say, "we are having chicken for dinner" and one says something, you look at them and say, "go sit on the stairs" (our time out place.) There is no negotiation at all. "come join us when you are ready to eat." If it is something that needs a discussion I will go over to the stairs and talk with them after a cool down minute. But if behavior starts that they know is not acceptable I do not answer at all.. just tell them to go sit.

As for dinner, can you map it out ahead of time? With 5 of us my mom used to buy 5 cans of spaghettios. You were allowed to opt out of one meal a week. I thought that was fair. My kids are usually allowed a yogurt after they have given dinner a good try, but whining will get you out of here at lightening speed.

I was really surprised at the "how much spending $ do you give your kids" thread where some said $100 or so. Mine are 7/10 and have been 2x. They love to look, but never asked for a thing. We bought auto books, light spinners, pins, and some other stuff before we went. We didn't buy one souvie (oh yeah, Mickey ears for DS) and they never asked for anything. At one point I felt that I must be mean 'cause they knew better than to even ask.

They can get "new" toys at a garage sale (their favorite activity with mom) or on holidays.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

I'm all for being strict & tough love (as my 3-year old is learning), but I'm going to go against what other posters have said...if your kids are on teams & that's why you're at the ballfield all day, do NOT make them miss it. They are part of a team and without your children, the team may have to forfeit the game. Maybe you can use the team to point out to your children how the family team works, too. Besides, you've probably put money into them being on that team. Now, whatever your all-day event is on Sunday is, I don't know, but maybe that is something to be missed. I know some people may not like my answer, but if the kids are committed to the team, it's not fair to everyone else (coaches & other players) if your kids are held back just to start new rules.

I do wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to implement.

I agree with this completely. When I discipline my kids, I take away something that will only affect them (TV, Wii, etc.). Some of the kids on DD9's soccer team have been grounded from soccer for a weekend - it puts a strain on the rest of the kids because we end up not having any subs. One mom pulled her kids off the team for the rest of the season for discipline - we were short two players for months and our girls continuously played at a disadvantage. Not very fun for the girls who hadn't misbehaved.

 

[crisi]

I'd be careful of the commitment thing.

We all have commitments. But your kids have a commitment to members of the family to be part of "team family." And filling their roles there needs to be more important than their commitment to a sports team.

Look at it this way - if your husband couldn't get the lawn mowed, but could make time every Saturday to go play softball, had no problem getting to golf league, and missed the kid's concerts for bowling night - you probably wouldn't be happy. Why would you teach your kids that is ok?

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

I'd be careful of the commitment thing.

We all have commitments. But your kids have a commitment to members of the family to be part of "team family." And filling their roles there needs to be more important than their commitment to a sports team.

Look at it this way - if your husband couldn't get the lawn mowed, but could make time every Saturday to go play softball, had no problem getting to golf league, and missed the kid's concerts for bowling night - you probably wouldn't be happy. Why would you teach your kids that is ok?

I do agree with you, but that's not exactly what I am saying. If my DD can't get her homework done, she would miss soccer practice because school comes first. But if she fights with her sister, I'd take away Wii and TV before I'd take away a soccer game that might adversely impact her team if she is doesn't show up.

I choose not to discipline by taking away a team activity. If we are looking at a time management problem, though, activities are the first to go if either of my kids can't keep up with schoolwork and responsibilities at home. I see it is two different issues - managing available time versus being mean to your sister or disrepectful to your parents.

I do understand parents who take away team activities because that is how they get through to their kids. I just think it punishes the rest of the team as well and wish they had another way to accomplish the same thing.

 

[Liltx]

I agree with this completely. When I discipline my kids, I take away something that will only affect them (TV, Wii, etc.). Some of the kids on DD9's soccer team have been grounded from soccer for a weekend - it puts a strain on the rest of the kids because we end up not having any subs. One mom pulled her kids off the team for the rest of the season for discipline - we were short two players for months and our girls continuously played at a disadvantage. Not very fun for the girls who hadn't misbehaved.

We are talking about one game right? And they are 6 and 8. Where we live they don't even keep score at that age. In baseball they end up standing/sitting around most of the time, not like soccer, so as long as there are enough players it really wouldn't have that much impact. No, I would not make them miss the rest of the season. This is a one time thing and kids at this age miss games for a variety of reasons.

The OP seemed at her wits end. She seemed to feel this was VERY serious. With kids talk is cheep. Is the team more important than taking action now? I think my kids are more important than one day at the game. But I guess if things can be put off for awhile it's not that serious.

Monica

 

[MichelleVW]

We are talking about one game right? And they are 6 and 8. Where we live they don't even keep score at that age. In baseball they end up standing/sitting around most of the time, not like soccer, so as long as there are enough players it really wouldn't have that much impact. No, I would not make them miss the rest of the season. This is a one time thing and kids at this age miss games for a variety of reasons.

I guess since my DD was on a team when she was 7 or 8 that often had to forfeit because they didn't have enough players I guess I just feel different.