my kids are spoiled

[RN4Babies]

ITA! Isn't that emotional abuse? Reminds me of that old show 'James at 15' about the kid that had a bedwetting problem and his mother would hang his sheets out the window anytime he had an accident.
Humiliation is a sick form of punishment.
JMHO!

Not a far comparison, IMO. I would NEVER use a sign or humiliate my child for bedwetting (or anything else that's out of their control).

It's for behavior the child chooses to demonstrate that's not acceptable to the parents. The OP has her head on the table, crying, because of her kids' out of control expectations, whining, etc. Drastic times call for drastic measures. JMHO

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

If you re-read my post, I said that my parents used signs on us when I was growing up (there were 12 of us). We all grew up to be happy, very productive citizens; we're four nurses, a doctor, an attorney, two social workers, an accountant and three teachers.

Well then that must make it ok.

 

[RN4Babies]

Well then that must make it ok.

If you're going to quote me, please quote my entire post instead of the part that suits your agenda.

TIA

 

[ScotsMinnie]

I have a few thoughts ..... (yes, I'm known as a "mean mom" to my kid's friends, and that's A-OK with me!!).....

-There is no way on this earth that I would be taking them to WDW (or anywhere else) until their behavior changes radically and for a prolonged period of time (at least 12 months). IMO, they haven't earned the priviledge to be taken anywhere.

-Do NOT put them on time out in their room! Find a boring corner to sit them in, a landing on a stairwell, a chair facing the front door...make it as boring as possible, and do NOT talk to them during it, no matter what they're saying to you.

-My kids have known from about the age of three that anything they leave lying around the house (toys, clothes, art supplies, whatever) goes into a Hefty bag and donated to GoodWill. At first I had large tax deductions as a result, but they learned quick! (This was the rule when I was growing up too; with 12 kids, I think it was the only way my mom could keep the house presentable).

-If they misbehave, I'd make them wear signs around their necks. Again, my parents did this when I was growing up. Wearing a sign that says "I'm childish and I whine" tends to stop that behavior rather rapidly. (Yes, if it's an issue before a ball game or the walk, I'd make them wear the sign to that).
Personally, I would have hunkered down in the house with them for the weekend and cancelled the plans; their first committment is to the family team, not baseball or to the walk, even with sponsors. Again...I'm mean.

We volunteer as a family two nights a month at a meal program downtown for the homeless. I think there's nothing like helping others less fortunate to open kids' eyes to how truly rich they are, and I think it's a huge reason why neither of my kids have ever done the "I want...." or "Can I have........" whine.

I will tell you that I have two of the best mannered, best behaved kids I know. DS18 is LOVED by his teachers; I constantly hear he's wise beyond his years, and how polite each of them are. Our house is peaceful, fun, organized...and the friends who think I'm "mean mom" seem to always be hanging around....lol.

My sister's kids are totally spoiled (they're 15 and 17). Last month my sister got so fed up with them and their behavior that she stripped their rooms of EVERYTHING (they had a blanket and a pillow each for nighttime). Day by day they've had to earn back a piece of clothing, their beds, makeup, hair stuff, etc. It's going to take a veryyyyy long time for each of them to earn everything back. So far they're still behaving 100% better than before.

Nip it in the bud now.......you want this behavior to be a distant memory when they hit their teen years! Good luck to you!

I think this is a form of humiliation. I would never ever consider this as a punishment for my children. I think it is very cruel.

Personally I feel that these strategies are very mean and over strict. I think you can get good behaviour using other means. I want my children to be well behaved because they see its the best way to be rather than being scared in case I cancel our holiday/sports games/give away their toys.

Everyone does it differently i suppose.....

 

[geishagirl81]

OMG Do you realize the amount of headlines that would result if a teacher made a student wear a sign like that? It would totally be unacceptable, and it shouldn't be acceptable at home either. To me humiliation is the same as hitting, it goes hand in hand. Listen, we all have different views on discipline and behaviour management. I am not judging you for doing what you do, honestly. However, I just feel that if it were you , you'd be humiliated. Not to compare apple to oarnges, but what if your boss made you wear a sign to work that said "I am a lazy employee" ect?

 

[PixiePlanner]

A wise man once said to me, "Every action has a consequence." Amazingly, he didn't have any children.

My DS10 & DD6 know this. All I have to say is, "Every action has a consequence" and by the tone of my voice they know what I mean. They know the difference between an "accident" and an "on purpose." I have used those terms since they were small. I try to recognize positive "actions" with a kind word or making sure I tell DH of the action & then he recognizes it. Sometimes (not every time), I hand them a new DollarStore toy (or a Disney Dollar). I always recognize negative actions. It could be loosing a toy or no TV, etc. One time we were literally driving to a restaurant and my DD was throwing a fit because it wasn't the restaurant of her choice... my DH turned the car around and we went home. We haven't had this problem since.

I watched my sister be a "nextime" mom... we all know them, "Nextime you do it you'll be in trouble..." 20 nextimes later a punishment comes. That isn't fair to the kids. I have sworn I won't do it. If I sense something is brewing, I tell the kids I am giving them their warning and if the "action" continues, a consequence results.

I am by know means perfect but my kids hopefully are learning to think before they act.

Good luck.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

OMG Do you realize the amount of headlines that would result if a teacher made a student wear a sign like that? It would totally be unacceptable, and it shouldn't be acceptable at home either. To me humiliation is the same as hitting, it goes hand in hand. Listen, we all have different views on discipline and behaviour management. I am not judging you for doing what you do, honestly. However, I just feel that if it were you , you'd be humiliated. Not to compare apple to oarnges, but what if your boss made you wear a sign to work that said "I am a lazy employee" ect?

Awww, come on now! It has the additional benefit of word recognition for preschoolers! The sign-wearers can probably read at a much younger age.

 

[brergnat]

I think people are too politically correct these days when it comes to raising kids.

That's why there are so many "spoiled brats" running around today...and why shows like Supernanny even EXIST!



Think back to how YOU were raised. Did YOU behave the way most of your own kids did/are? And how did YOUR parents raise you? Probably quite different, I'll bet...

Sometimes, children SHOULD be made to feel ashamed of their behavior. How else would you expect them to be motivated to change it? Humiliation is a form of punishment, yes. Perhaps a necessary one, in some instances (for example, the previous poster's situation with her child biting other children...I would have done the SAME THING). A 2 year old is not going to remember that later in life, but if it works AT THE TIME, I don't see the harm in it. Kids are not made of glass...you shouldn't coddle them their whole lives or they are going to have a very rude awakening when they become adults and have to deal with the real world.

 

[dogluva]

It is not just your kids who are spoiled. I feel the majority of them are today. It is rare you see appreciative kids anymore. Including my own.

It is also refreshing to read a post admitting that their kids are spoiled or overindulged. You don't see that much, it is usually how saintlike their kids are.

 

[dogluva]

I have no problem being a "mean mom", but there is no way in H*LL that my child is wearing a sign out in public saying anything! I'm glad it worked for you, but I can't imagine the humiliation it caused your child. No result is worth that much humiliation.

I cannot believe this is even allowed. Sound like abuse to me. Maybe the polite and wonderfullness comes from the threat of wearing a horrible sign around their necks.

 

[ScotsMinnie]

I think people are too politically correct these days when it comes to raising kids.

That's why there are so many "spoiled brats" running around today...and why shows like Supernanny even EXIST!



Think back to how YOU were raised. Did YOU behave the way most of your own kids did/are? And how did YOUR parents raise you? Probably quite different, I'll bet...

Sometimes, children SHOULD be made to feel ashamed of their behavior. How else would you expect them to be motivated to change it? Humiliation is a form of punishment, yes. Perhaps a necessary one, in some instances (for example, the previous poster's situation with her child biting other children...I would have done the SAME THING). A 2 year old is not going to remember that later in life, but if it works AT THE TIME, I don't see the harm in it. Kids are not made of glass...you shouldn't coddle them their whole lives or they are going to have a very rude awakening when they become adults and have to deal with the real world.

Can you give me an example of when someone would be made to wear a sign humiliating them in the real world. i am struggling to think of where.

I think there is a huge difference between mollycoddling children and treating them with little respect. i think you can be tough on discipline without being cruel.

Just because it happened to you as a child with no ill effects does not mean it is acceptable. When my Mum and Dad were at school they used to whip them with a leather belt or crack them across the hands with a cane for having messy writing. They turned out fine but doesn't mean it is OK nowadays does it?

 

[dogluva]

If you re-read my post, I said that my parents used signs on us when I was growing up (there were 12 of us). They would wait until we were able to talk before using a sign. Their reasoning was that if we chose to misbehave, then we had to deal with the sign. They never laid a finger on us. They didn't ridicule us by calling us names. They never yelled at us or raised their voices (ever!). IMO, those things are just as (or more) humiliating than wearing a sign. Also, even with 12 of us, there was a need for a sign maybe once a month. We all grew up to be happy, very productive citizens; we're four nurses, a doctor, an attorney, two social workers, an accountant and three teachers.

I used a sign once in my 18 years of parenting. DD8 started biting other kids when she was 2 1/2. I made a sign that said "I bite". She was in nursery school, and when the other kids asked her what the sign said, she had to tell them. The biting stopped that day, never to be an issue again.

I have six kids, only half of twelve, but never, ever, ever would I put a sign on my kids. My son bit for a day and I told him to stop. No sign needed.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

Can you give me an example of when someone would be made to wear a sign humiliating them in the real world. i am struggling to think of where.

I've always thought that repeat-offending child molesters should have a tattoo on their forehead that says, "I'm a child molester."

Other than that, nothing else I can think of.

 

[PixiePlanner]

I've always thought that repeat-offending child molesters should have a tattoo on their forehead that says, "I'm a child molester."

Other than that, nothing else I can think of.

I agree.

 

[RN4Babies]

As a kid, if we were whining incessantly (rarely happened, but there were a few times.....) we'd wear a sign that says "I Whine". When my daughter started biting other kids, and she didn't stop after her nursery school teacher and I both told her to stop, she got a sign that said "I Bite" for that day. As I previously said, that's THE ONLY TIME IN ALMOST 20 YEARS OF BEING A PARENT THAT I'VE USED A SIGN as a parenting strategy, and it stopped her biting almost immediately.

I also "catch my kids being/doing good" all of the time. They get a LOT of hugs, kisses and pats on the back. Having said that, they know that if they don't say "please", they don't get whatever it is they're asking for, and if they don't say "thank you", they don't get to keep it. They know what behavior is acceptable and what won't be tolerated. Yes, I run a tight ship and am probably regarded by some parents as being "too harsh". Personally, my feeling is that I am NOT here to be a friend to my kids while they're kids; I'm here to be their parent, and as a single mom to make certain that they tow the line, think of others before themselves, and become happy, contributing members of our society as they grow and mature. I've had people come up to me and compliment me and the way my kids behave. Example: Last night we went out for dinner at a local chinese buffet restaurant. DS18 went up to get some food. A woman about my age stopped at my table, said DS and she arrived at a steam table at the same time, and he stepped back, looked at her and smiled and said "After you." She wanted to let me know how impressed she was by his respect and manners. A small thing, perhaps, but I made very sure to retell her compliment to DS and let him know how proud I am of him. We also stopped at a redbox DVD machine, and he got to choose a movie for us to watch as an "atta boy" treat.

Seeing how some kids behave in public (over and over again, whether it's at Brownies, at school or at softball/soccer practice and games) is shocking to me. Parents seem to either be oblivious or they're constantly hollering or making empty threats (Johnny, if you don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after the game....Johnny continues doing what he's doing, the parent keeps yelling, and you see them having at McDonalds having ice cream afterwards. ) I don't think it's a coincidence that as parenting styles have relaxed over the years that we've been seeing increases in crime, early sexual activity in many kids, and general poor manners and disrespect.

To the OP....if your kids are truly out of control, and you don't know where to start to change things around, there are wonderful parenting classes out there, child behavioral therapists, as well as counselors who can give you suggestions that may work. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

If you re-read my post, I said that my parents used signs on us when I was growing up (there were 12 of us). They would wait until we were able to talk before using a sign. Their reasoning was that if we chose to misbehave, then we had to deal with the sign. They never laid a finger on us. They didn't ridicule us by calling us names. They never yelled at us or raised their voices (ever!). IMO, those things are just as (or more) humiliating than wearing a sign. Also, even with 12 of us, there was a need for a sign maybe once a month. We all grew up to be happy, very productive citizens; we're four nurses, a doctor, an attorney, two social workers, an accountant and three teachers.

I used a sign once in my 18 years of parenting. DD8 started biting other kids when she was 2 1/2. I made a sign that said "I bite". She was in nursery school, and when the other kids asked her what the sign said, she had to tell them. The biting stopped that day, never to be an issue again.

Something still nagging at me... Financial success doesn't make one a good person. It simply makes him/her a taxpayer. There are headlines everywhere about crooked, greedy, CEOs and similar stories.
Our quiet, suburban town made national headlines when a well-respected rabbi's wife was murdered and the investigation pointed to him. The grown children stood by their dad throughout the trial which ended in a mistrial. So much evidence pointed to him which the kids learned while at the trial so at the 2nd trial they testified against their father.

I get compliements on my ds12 often and his report cards/progress report all say 'he's a pleasure to have in class'. He won't even smoosh a spider in the house cuz it's a living creature.
Without humiliation.

I'm not saying let kids be brats. I see it too. Sometimes it's nauseating. I just don't agree with the signs.

As for teenage pregnancy, my 92 yr old grandmother just told me a few weeks ago that there were lots of girls in her high school having sex and getting pregnant, it was just kept hush-hush in those days. (30's)
Families would move to avoid being 'disgraced'.
I also dated 2 guys in HS whose moms were 'good Catholic girls' but still ended up getting married b/c of pregnacy. In those days they had to quick get married and would call the baby a preemie, at 7 lbs. Dh even teases his mom that he was born with a broken arm trying to hold onto the wedding day. After 52 years they're still happily married.

It's always been happening but for some strange reason, it's more socially acceptable now. Not that I agree with it, just stating the facts.

 

[ScotsMinnie]

As a kid, if we were whining incessantly (rarely happened, but there were a few times.....) we'd wear a sign that says "I Whine". When my daughter started biting other kids, and she didn't stop after her nursery school teacher and I both told her to stop, she got a sign that said "I Bite" for that day. As I previously said, that's THE ONLY TIME IN ALMOST 20 YEARS OF BEING A PARENT THAT I'VE USED A SIGN as a parenting strategy, and it stopped her biting almost immediately.

I also "catch my kids being/doing good" all of the time. They get a LOT of hugs, kisses and pats on the back. Having said that, they know that if they don't say "please", they don't get whatever it is they're asking for, and if they don't say "thank you", they don't get to keep it. They know what behavior is acceptable and what won't be tolerated. Yes, I run a tight ship and am probably regarded by some parents as being "too harsh". Personally, my feeling is that I am NOT here to be a friend to my kids while they're kids; I'm here to be their parent, and as a single mom to make certain that they tow the line, think of others before themselves, and become happy, contributing members of our society as they grow and mature. I've had people come up to me and compliment me and the way my kids behave. Example: Last night we went out for dinner at a local chinese buffet restaurant. DS18 went up to get some food. A woman about my age stopped at my table, said DS and she arrived at a steam table at the same time, and he stepped back, looked at her and smiled and said "After you." She wanted to let me know how impressed she was by his respect and manners. A small thing, perhaps, but I made very sure to retell her compliment to DS and let him know how proud I am of him. We also stopped at a redbox DVD machine, and he got to choose a movie for us to watch as an "atta boy" treat.

Seeing how some kids behave in public (over and over again, whether it's at Brownies, at school or at softball/soccer practice and games) is shocking to me. Parents seem to either be oblivious or they're constantly hollering or making empty threats (Johnny, if you don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after the game....Johnny continues doing what he's doing, the parent keeps yelling, and you see them having at McDonalds having ice cream afterwards. ) I don't think it's a coincidence that as parenting styles have relaxed over the years that we've been seeing increases in crime, early sexual activity in many kids, and general poor manners and disrespect.

To the OP....if your kids are truly out of control, and you don't know where to start to change things around, there are wonderful parenting classes out there, child behavioral therapists, as well as counselors who can give you suggestions that may work. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I am sorry but I am still not convinced that wearing a sign round a childs neck is anything less than cruel. I don't think that is a tight ship - I think it is emotional abuse.

My children are on the whole well behaved. I know I can take them out anywhere and they will be pleasant and polite. They do this because they have been brought up this way NOT because they are scared to behave any other way. DD7 gets great reports form school and her activities. Yes, they have their moments but all children do and I think if they didn't there would be something not quite right. Children should be children too.

And I do consider myself to be their friend as well as their parent. I truely believe you can be both. My Mum is my best friend and I live in hope that the friendship that I have with my girls will last too. I think it is very sad that you don't thing you need to be their friend - just parent.

 

[ScotsMinnie]

As for teenage pregnancy, my 92 yr old grandmother just told me a few weeks ago that there were lots of girls in her high school having sex and getting pregnant, it was just kept hush-hush in those days. (30's)
Families would move to avoid being 'disgraced'.
I also dated 2 guys in HS whose moms were 'good Catholic girls' but still ended up getting married b/c of pregnacy. In those days they had to quick get married and would call the baby a preemie, at 7 lbs. Dh even teases his mom that he was born with a broken arm trying to hold onto the wedding day. After 52 years they're still happily married.

It's always been happening but for some strange reason, it's more socially acceptable now. Not that I agree with it, just stating the facts.

Totally agree - it did happen years ago too - the girls were hidden away and forced to give up their babies.

I do agree that children need to be disciplined but there are degrees of everything and these methods I feel are the extreme.

 

[RN4Babies]

I am sorry but I am still not convinced that wearing a sign round a childs neck is anything less than cruel. I don't think that is a tight ship - I think it is emotional abuse.

My children are on the whole well behaved. I know I can take them out anywhere and they will be pleasant and polite. They do this because they have been brought up this way NOT because they are scared to behave any other way. DD7 gets great reports form school and her activities. Yes, they have their moments but all children do and I think if they didn't there would be something not quite right. Children should be children too.

And I do consider myself to be their friend as well as their parent. I truely believe you can be both. My Mum is my best friend and I live in hope that the friendship that I have with my girls will last too. I think it is very sad that you don't thing you need to be their friend - just parent.

I guess we need to agree to disagree. I believe when my children are adults that I will have wonderful friendships with them (my ds turned 18 last month, and our mother/son relationship has evolved into a tremendous friendship). However, as I previously stated, when they're young my top priorities are to set boundaries, teach them right from wrong, to help them learn to put others before themselves, and to teach them consequences, good and bad, for their actions. I'm not saying that they don't have their "kids will be kids" moments; they certainly do, and I don't punish them or discipline them for every little thing. (Teenage attitude comes to mind). My role, as I see it, is to be their teacher, protector, counselor, provider and disciplinarian while they're children, and to be a friend when they are nearing adulthood.

Yes, girls have always been sexually active. My grandma became pregnant with my uncle when she was 16 years old. However, I don't believe girls were having oral sex in 6th and 7th grade like they are now. I'm really dating myself here, but I didn't know what oral sex was until I was about 23 or 24 years old. Sexual activity of all different kinds is more prevalent now than in the past. I went to two c-section deliveries at work last night; at one, the mother of the baby was 12 years old, and the other one was 14 years old (and this was her 2nd child). The 12 year old is in 6th grade. She had seven 12 year old classmates/friends in her room after her baby was born and we were cleaning him up....their comments ranged from "Ohhhh...he's so cute!!" to "I can't wait to have my very own baby!" Socially acceptable is an understatement. (The youngest mom who's delivery I've been at was 11 years old. Most of the teens I see are in the 14-15 year old range). Milwaukee has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy in the country, so between that statistic and my job, I see it ALL of the time.

Sorry to hijack the thread........

 

[ScotsMinnie]

I guess we need to agree to disagree. I believe when my children are adults that I will have wonderful friendships with them (my ds turned 18 last month, and our mother/son relationship has evolved into a tremendous friendship). However, as I previously stated, when they're young my top priorities are to set boundaries, teach them right from wrong, to help them learn to put others before themselves, and to teach them consequences, good and bad, for their actions. I'm not saying that they don't have their "kids will be kids" moments; they certainly do, and I don't punish them or discipline them for every little thing. (Teenage attitude comes to mind). My role, as I see it, is to be their teacher, protector, counselor, provider and disciplinarian while they're children, and to be a friend when they are nearing adulthood.


Sorry to hijack the thread........

I think we will! I agree with what you have said about your priorities as a parent but I would put friend in there too from a young age. If a 6 year old can't say that their mum is their friend I find that very sad indeed. I just don't see how putting signs on your children's neck is the ONLY or the best way to achieve this.