my kids are spoiled

[Liltx]

I guess since my DD was on a team when she was 7 or 8 that often had to forfeit because they didn't have enough players I guess I just feel different.

I get that but this lady is crying at her dining room table and asking for help online. I don't think you can get much more serious.

Monica

 

[bonybroad]

WOW! Lots of opinions about teams!
My husband pointed out to me this morning that I am negating all the good things about them by focusing on the bad.
Very true.
It's just been a really tough week! I don't know if it is spring fever or what!
I'm just going to break this down into manageable chunks and work on it more consistently rather than frustrating ALL of us trying to do it all at once.
First up...mealtime and whining!

 

[kkmcan]

My kids are rewarded for working hard at school and for good behavior- just something small like a trip out to get ice cream, maybe a special outing ( going to the movies or bowling) or getting a new book.

Our usual consequence has been sitting in time out but this wasn't having the impact it used to so I changed it up a bit a month or so ago. I have given my ds outside the house chores such as pulling weeds, sweeping the sidewalk and patios, picking up the dog doo. Another one was losing his screen time for 2 days. Boy, was that one hard for him and he really learned a lesson about how hard it is to give up tv, video games and computer for 48 hours. I told him next time he has a huge tantrum like that he'd lose screen time for a week. He's knows I'm serious too.

When our kids do a super job at something we make sure to make a big deal out of it. Lots of praise, telling them how proud we are of their accomplishment, effort etc. We tell them what good kids they are and they respond with good behaviors. Even though they aren't little anymore they just glow when receiving praise/compliments. And then they want to try even more.

Provide the rules, and give out consequences or rewards/praise as needed. Let them know you love them no matter what. I told my son that I love him even when he is not behaving and he couldn't believe it. They really think when you get mad that you don't love them. So we had a good discussion about how I will always love them but I may not love their behaviors.

I like to keep my kids guessing so I switch it up every so often- good and bad. New rewards, new consequences etc.

Good luck!

 

[crisi]

I guess since my DD was on a team when she was 7 or 8 that often had to forfeit because they didn't have enough players I guess I just feel different.

That is a shame for the other kids, but its also real life. When you get to high school you have to keep your grades up and stay out of trouble or you can't play - if that means your team looses or forfeits, too bad. The pressure of not letting your teammates down is part of the incentive to behave.

 

[barnaby1]

We are talking about one game right? And they are 6 and 8. Where we live they don't even keep score at that age. In baseball they end up standing/sitting around most of the time, not like soccer, so as long as there are enough players it really wouldn't have that much impact. No, I would not make them miss the rest of the season. This is a one time thing and kids at this age miss games for a variety of reasons.

The OP seemed at her wits end. She seemed to feel this was VERY serious. With kids talk is cheep. Is the team more important than taking action now? I think my kids are more important than one day at the game. But I guess if things can be put off for awhile it's not that serious.

Monica

I don't agree with cancelling this weekends activities. The children didn't become spoilt overnight. I am all for setting rules and applying consequences (heck my 3 year old understands consequences) but consequences and punishments can not be applied unless the ground rules have been established and then not followed. Not just withdrawn without warning because Mum has suddenly noticed her family needs some help and guidance.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

We are talking about one game right? And they are 6 and 8. Where we live they don't even keep score at that age. In baseball they end up standing/sitting around most of the time, not like soccer, so as long as there are enough players it really wouldn't have that much impact. No, I would not make them miss the rest of the season. This is a one time thing and kids at this age miss games for a variety of reasons.

The OP seemed at her wits end. She seemed to feel this was VERY serious. With kids talk is cheep. Is the team more important than taking action now? I think my kids are more important than one day at the game. But I guess if things can be put off for awhile it's not that serious.

Monica

I didn't say it was not the right choice for the OP - only she knows her situation, regardless what anyone may infer from an internet post. I said it is not what I choose to take away from my kids because it impacts other kids who have worked hard and not gotten in trouble. I have seen the disappointment in the faces of a bunch of good kids who can't play because not enough people show up. Personal preference, and hardly reason for a big debate. If it is not a good fit for the OP, that's fine.

I would expect that anyone bothering to post on this thread would think their kids are "more important than one day at the game". It's not even relevant to the discussion.

 

[ScotsMinnie]

I really disagree with how harsh some of the posts are. I would not have cancelled any of the weekends activities - that is not the best start.

When you are frustrated with your kids it is easy to see the bad side of things. But as has been said this didn't happen overnight and it is not going to be resolved this weekend. It will take lots of small steps which the OP is clearly going to do.

I don't think you should cancel your holiday. That would just be punishing everyone. You have time to change behaviours and perhaps use it as a motivation to behave. I would imagine that you and your DH would also appreciate a holiday. It seems a little harsh to cancel and just downright cruel to go without them and tell them that they could have come if they had behaved better.

To be fair I would imagine that the OPs children are not that unlike many other children - only that the OP has admitted the issues she has.

A change of rules and some strict enforcement will probably change things very quickly.

 

[bonybroad]

Honestly, you are all so sweet! I was just at wit's end last night, overwhelmed and anxious and ....you know....
I tried very hard today to stay consistent, not scream or nag or threaten.
Mealtime was very easy - everybody likes pizza! I know, that's cheating!
The whining was out in full force, so I pulled out the kitchen timer, and they got 10 minutes in their room each time it happened.
The older one learned on the 5th time out. The younger one is infinitely more stubborn, and hasn't figured out that the world is a'changin around here. They are down for the night, and we have to get up early tomorrow for our fundraiser.
MUST...BE...CONSISTENT!!!!

 

[geishagirl81]

My 2 cents. I am not saying kids don't need limits and expectations. I am not syaing that tough love is the only answer. I am really not going to enter the discussion on effective behavior management at all. All I am going to contribute is this:

As a former elementary school teacher, I can say without a doubt, the WORST behavior and the hardest time for me to manage it was ALWAYS in the spring. I'd cringe once Easter break hit because I knew my students would come back to class restless, whiny, and just more difficult. I really truly think there is something to "Spring Fever". Kids want to be outside after a long winter and they feel the school year winding down so they are already checked out for summer vacation. I can imagine they weren't angels at home either. Really, my 1st year of teaching I thought that Christmas would have been the worst, but it was not bad at all. All of my colleagues told me to "just wait until spring rolls around".

So, while I am not saying that the behaviors your kids are exhibiting are entirely due to the "fever", I am just putting it out there as something to consider.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

I just wanted to mention about the whole 'picking up their own stuff' war. When my kids leave things laying around I ask them to pick it up and put it back where it belongs and give them some time. If I have to ask again I remind them that if I have to pick it up myself, it goes into a Hefty bag and into the attic until they start listening better. I have followed thru with this so many times. Also when they are being punished, I find the thing that child loves so much and revoke all privileges with that item. Ds12 I take his video game controllers, ds8 loses his bike or favorite toy at that time.

Funny thing, at Christmas time I was taking down decorations from the attic and found an old bag of toys, Little Tykes bull dozers, etc. Guess they didn't need that junk so much after all.


Jmho, but I wouldn't cancel all the sports games. They didn't get this way overnight and won't change overnight either. Maybe while you sit on the bleachers you can jot down some notes about what behaviors need to change and prioritize them. I try to separate in my head behaviors that are annoying vs those that are truly wrong. Annoying things are those that are childish simply b/c they're children. Wrong would be hitting, biting, etc.

I would have the kids do the Sunday MS walk too and have them contribute some of their own $. Kids are never too young to learn it feels good to help others. I enjoy taking walks with my kids and having nice conversation with them about whatever they want to talk about. It's quality time w no TV, phone, etc.

Be consistent, fair to all kids equally, and be sure to follow thru with whatever you state their consequences will be. If they know you're just bluffing they won't take your word seriously.
Good luck!

 

[geishagirl81]

Oh, I did want to add that some of these stategies will be in effect here. Not for my babies- too young, but rather for my DH! LOL!!!! He never picks up after himself.

 

[disykat]

First of - congratulations OP! I'm impressed with your obvious desire to do what's right with your kids. I too, thought first of "SuperNanny" and her no-nonsense way of dealing with childrearing.

I agree with your decision to keep your weekend activities - those sound like positive things for your family. You could certainly require any new behavior rules to apply AT those activies and remove them if necessary.

I want to comment on your morning list. I consider myself a pretty no-nonsense, strict parent, but I guess I'm not so strict on the "getting things accomplished side," just on the "mind your manners side." I still rarely manage your list before waking up a bit and I'm 47! I guess, as a person who is not a morning person, I'd like to suggest your kids may actually NEED more interaction with you before they can accomplish their list. How about reversing the order so that you eat together first and review plans for the day, then set a timer for 15 minutes and send them to accomplish their lists. Hopefully if you got backpacks ready etc. the night before, you can finish getting ready and when the timer goes off you should be ready to head out the door. (Give each other big high fives when it all works right!)

Parenting is exhausting isn't it? Sometimes it can seem like there are so many things you need to "fix" and so little energy to do it - and it just feels easier to spin our wheels in frustration. Kudos to you for your hard work.

 

[Munchkin'sMommy]

My son will be 3 in two weeks and there for a while we were having major problems with tantrums, outbursts etc and I was so frustrated all day long. I felt like I said no more often than anything else and I just felt horrible because all I did all day long was was get on to him for one thing or another.

My son is the Early Childhood Intervention program through our local school district for developmental delay. His social worker suggested various ideas on discipline and one thing that we found that works for our son is positive reinforcement and redirection. Instead of focusing on all the bad behavior, we praise him when he does something good like picking up his toys off the floor. Before the tantrums get full blown, we redirect (aka distract him
) to something else. We always try to catch the good behavior when it happens and he gets a "reward" like ice cream. That is a reward for him because I don't let him eat sweets, cookies, etc. So to him, getting an ice cream cone is a HUGE deal. It gives him something to work for so to speak.

On the flip side, if he misbehaves, he doesn't get anything. He gets no rewards, no treats, no trips to the Gymboree type place we have here where I live, no fun playdates and no new toys. As a matter of fact, the other day we were at Walmart and I had let him pick out a new Thomas the Train toy just because he wanted it. But he started to misbehave, talk back and he hit me on the arm when I told him he needed to settle down. So guess what happened?? The toy went back on the shelf and he was upset. Oh well. He has enough of an understanding to know that that sort of behavior is not acceptable and he knows I will not put up with it. He apologized when we got home. When he gets in a fit of rage over something, I leave the room and let him get it out of his system. I am not going to feed the bad behavior by reacting with bad behavior of my own (getting mad and losing my temper). Once he knows he does not have an audience, he will stop his fit and pick up whatever he threw without me telling him to do so.

I don't consider him spoiled. We try to set boundaries and enforce the rules at all times. He knows that no means no and I don't cave on the rules. Really he is a pleasant child and I get compliments all the time on how well behaved he is. But sometimes, the little devil in him just can't help but make an appearance every now and again.

One thing his pedi said was that children need to know and learn the consquences of their action even at an early age. Good behavior = rewards, praise, etc. Bad behavior = no treats, play dates, or new toys.

Believe me somedays, I just want to cave and give him what he wants just cease the incessant whining, but if I give in once, he will use it to his advantage. On the days I am really frustrated I go to bathroom and cry. But I never let him see me sweat.

 

[BC Disney Lover]

We are having similar issues with our kids who are 8, 4 and 3. One thing that we have realized is that we didn't ask our 8 yr old do do much around the house then all of a sudden we'd make him do something like empty the dishwasher and clear the table and he would whine and go on about it. We weren't consistant about him doing it, basically we made him do it when we had a bad day and figured he should do more around the house. Of course this wasn't fair to him because most days we'd do it then others we'd make him do it. Now that we've explained that it will be his job every night he has no problems and only needs to be reminded once. Cleaning up toys is the same thing, if you've been cleaning up after them up until now you can't just expect them to start doing it on their own overnight. Sometime my husband has to stand over the kids and tell them to clean up things in steps like pick up dirty clothes, then books, then toys. I can't blame my kids because I hate housework and my hubby can clean a room in 5 minutes that would take me hours, I get overwhelmed by it and I'm easily sidetracked

The only way that works for whining and not eating at dinner is telling them that if they're too tired to eat then it's bedtime. All 3 have ended up out for the night but usually they come back and eat in about 5 minutes.

I wouldn't even think about canceling the trip because even with how fustrating kids can be you'll make tons of great memories on a family trip.

Good Luck!

 

[swedie]

My only advice is that you have to be consistent and do NOT, under any circumstances give an empty threat. They're upset/angry/misbehaving, etc. - give them a time out, whether it's on the couch, their rooms - I used to use the bottom step of the landing going upstairs (absolutely no distractions there). THIS was not the punishment, this was also a time out for me. I would go do dishes (I love the sound of running water - so soothing) and calm down and try to think up an appropriate discipline tactic.
When I was done, and I myself had a chance to calm down, so that I wouldn't be screaming/blurting out the first thing that came to mind (it was so very tiring!) I would go and tell him/her that I don't accept that sort of behavior/action, and to help them learn not to behave that way, they would need to ....whatever I thought would be right. I would find something that would only affect the child being punished, and not anyone else. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to come up with something at that time, sometimes not even the next day, but they would know some sort of punishment was coming (I sometimes think the waiting for what was going to happen was worse than the actual punishment).
I read a few of the threads on whether to take sports away or not. Yes, they are young, some teams do not keep score (my boys did not enjoy sports so I'm not really sure), but I would think to take them away from this would/could be wrong only because this is a foundation for them as they get older and it could make it difficult for them later on if they are known as a no-show, plus they will not have the same experience as a child that has all of that practice behind them. I do think sports are an excellent arena for boys, especially as they get older, eek when they will need a place to exert some of that teen-age energy/angst?
Hang in there, parenting is a journey, and sometimes there are detours that you could have done without, but for the most time there's always a wonderful surprise just around the corner!

 

[RN4Babies]

I have a few thoughts ..... (yes, I'm known as a "mean mom" to my kid's friends, and that's A-OK with me!!).....

-There is no way on this earth that I would be taking them to WDW (or anywhere else) until their behavior changes radically and for a prolonged period of time (at least 12 months). IMO, they haven't earned the priviledge to be taken anywhere.

-Do NOT put them on time out in their room! Find a boring corner to sit them in, a landing on a stairwell, a chair facing the front door...make it as boring as possible, and do NOT talk to them during it, no matter what they're saying to you.

-My kids have known from about the age of three that anything they leave lying around the house (toys, clothes, art supplies, whatever) goes into a Hefty bag and donated to GoodWill. At first I had large tax deductions as a result, but they learned quick! (This was the rule when I was growing up too; with 12 kids, I think it was the only way my mom could keep the house presentable).

-If they misbehave, I'd make them wear signs around their necks. Again, my parents did this when I was growing up. Wearing a sign that says "I'm childish and I whine" tends to stop that behavior rather rapidly. (Yes, if it's an issue before a ball game or the walk, I'd make them wear the sign to that).
Personally, I would have hunkered down in the house with them for the weekend and cancelled the plans; their first committment is to the family team, not baseball or to the walk, even with sponsors. Again...I'm mean.

We volunteer as a family two nights a month at a meal program downtown for the homeless. I think there's nothing like helping others less fortunate to open kids' eyes to how truly rich they are, and I think it's a huge reason why neither of my kids have ever done the "I want...." or "Can I have........" whine.

I will tell you that I have two of the best mannered, best behaved kids I know. DS18 is LOVED by his teachers; I constantly hear he's wise beyond his years, and how polite each of them are. Our house is peaceful, fun, organized...and the friends who think I'm "mean mom" seem to always be hanging around....lol.

My sister's kids are totally spoiled (they're 15 and 17). Last month my sister got so fed up with them and their behavior that she stripped their rooms of EVERYTHING (they had a blanket and a pillow each for nighttime). Day by day they've had to earn back a piece of clothing, their beds, makeup, hair stuff, etc. It's going to take a veryyyyy long time for each of them to earn everything back. So far they're still behaving 100% better than before.

Nip it in the bud now.......you want this behavior to be a distant memory when they hit their teen years! Good luck to you!

 

[momx2]

I have a few thoughts ..... (yes, I'm known as a "mean mom" to my kid's friends, and that's A-OK with me!!).....

-There is no way on this earth that I would be taking them to WDW (or anywhere else) until their behavior changes radically and for a prolonged period of time (at least 12 months). IMO, they haven't earned the priviledge to be taken anywhere.

-Do NOT put them on time out in their room! Find a boring corner to sit them in, a landing on a stairwell, a chair facing the front door...make it as boring as possible, and do NOT talk to them during it, no matter what they're saying to you.

-My kids have known from about the age of three that anything they leave lying around the house (toys, clothes, art supplies, whatever) goes into a Hefty bag and donated to GoodWill. At first I had large tax deductions as a result, but they learned quick! (This was the rule when I was growing up too; with 12 kids, I think it was the only way my mom could keep the house presentable).

-If they misbehave, I'd make them wear signs around their necks. Again, my parents did this when I was growing up. Wearing a sign that says "I'm childish and I whine" tends to stop that behavior rather rapidly. (Yes, if it's an issue before a ball game or the walk, I'd make them wear the sign to that).
Personally, I would have hunkered down in the house with them for the weekend and cancelled the plans; their first committment is to the family team, not baseball or to the walk, even with sponsors. Again...I'm mean.

We volunteer as a family two nights a month at a meal program downtown for the homeless. I think there's nothing like helping others less fortunate to open kids' eyes to how truly rich they are, and I think it's a huge reason why neither of my kids have ever done the "I want...." or "Can I have........" whine.

I will tell you that I have two of the best mannered, best behaved kids I know. DS18 is LOVED by his teachers; I constantly hear he's wise beyond his years, and how polite each of them are. Our house is peaceful, fun, organized...and the friends who think I'm "mean mom" seem to always be hanging around....lol.

My sister's kids are totally spoiled (they're 15 and 17). Last month my sister got so fed up with them and their behavior that she stripped their rooms of EVERYTHING (they had a blanket and a pillow each for nighttime). Day by day they've had to earn back a piece of clothing, their beds, makeup, hair stuff, etc. It's going to take a veryyyyy long time for each of them to earn everything back. So far they're still behaving 100% better than before.

Nip it in the bud now.......you want this behavior to be a distant memory when they hit their teen years! Good luck to you!

I have no problem being a "mean mom", but there is no way in H*LL that my child is wearing a sign out in public saying anything! I'm glad it worked for you, but I can't imagine the humiliation it caused your child. No result is worth that much humiliation.

 

[~Kristina~]

I think I would have them help out in the a soup kitchen or children's foster care or something of that nature. Maybe that will help them see how good they have it. Good luck

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

I have no problem being a "mean mom", but there is no way in H*LL that my child is wearing a sign out in public saying anything! I'm glad it worked for you, but I can't imagine the humiliation it caused your child. No result is worth that much humiliation.

ITA! Isn't that emotional abuse? Reminds me of that old show 'James at 15' about the kid that had a bedwetting problem and his mother would hang his sheets out the window anytime he had an accident.
Humiliation is a sick form of punishment.
JMHO!

 

[RN4Babies]

I have no problem being a "mean mom", but there is no way in H*LL that my child is wearing a sign out in public saying anything! I'm glad it worked for you, but I can't imagine the humiliation it caused your child. No result is worth that much humiliation.

If you re-read my post, I said that my parents used signs on us when I was growing up (there were 12 of us). They would wait until we were able to talk before using a sign. Their reasoning was that if we chose to misbehave, then we had to deal with the sign. They never laid a finger on us. They didn't ridicule us by calling us names. They never yelled at us or raised their voices (ever!). IMO, those things are just as (or more) humiliating than wearing a sign. Also, even with 12 of us, there was a need for a sign maybe once a month. We all grew up to be happy, very productive citizens; we're four nurses, a doctor, an attorney, two social workers, an accountant and three teachers.

I used a sign once in my 18 years of parenting. DD8 started biting other kids when she was 2 1/2. I made a sign that said "I bite". She was in nursery school, and when the other kids asked her what the sign said, she had to tell them. The biting stopped that day, never to be an issue again.