My In-laws are worse than your In-laws!

[Disney Doll]

tlbwriter is correct.
jennassis, you can't argue with crazy, so don't even try.
If your husband wants to have some sort of relationship or contact with her, that's his perogative. You just say "I have nothing to say" and repeast it to whomever needs to hear it until they get the message.

 

[Jennasis]

Meh. Didn't mind the phone call so much. She isn't persistent, or a stalker. She tried to call me once in August, to wish me Happy Birthday but I didn't answer then. I didn't answer her call this morning because I didn't know what she wanted so I wasn't about to walk blindly into something. Once I heard what she wanted...to know WHY "I" won't talk to her, I was okay with that. Really she did need to hear the things I said, IMO, and I'm glad I said them. The call shed some light on the situation that I hadn't been aware of and it has really solidified DH's stance that we need to continue to keep her as much out of our lives as possible.

She continues to claim that DH has never expressed dissatisfaction with her or their relationship, while he has in fact had several long and unpleasant talks with her about it. She refuses to take any ownership of her own happiness, physical, emotional or financial situations...and THAT is a person that we simply cannot work with.

When I used the word confrontation earlier, it's because I was expecting the crying and woe-is-me stuff, or yelling and shouting. What I got was a non-existent shell of a being who does not acknowledge any of her reality, and thought I was to blame for her son's shunning of her. When I explained that we don't talk to her anymore because DH WANTS IT THIS WAY because he does not want a relationship with her and because he feels their relationship is horribly damaged, I was met with stunned silence. She honestly thought we wouldn't talk to her because she was mean to me last Easter.

And you can't reason with the unreasonable or argue with crazy. I had planned to hang up if it got ugly, but I never had to. I shocked the heck right out of her with reality.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Meh. Didn't mind the phone call so much. She isn't persistent, or a stalker. She tried to call me once in August, to wish me Happy Birthday but I didn't answer then. I didn't answer her call this morning because I didn't know what she wanted so I wasn't about to walk blindly into something. Once I heard what she wanted...to know WHY "I" won't talk to her, I was okay with that. Really she did need to hear the things I said, IMO, and I'm glad I said them. The call shed some light on the situation that I hadn't been aware of and it has really solidified DH's stance that we need to continue to keep her as much out of our lives as possible.

She continues to claim that DH has never expressed dissatisfaction with her or their relationship, while he has in fact had several long and unpleasant talks with her about it. She refuses to take any ownership of her own happiness, physical, emotional or financial situations...and THAT is a person that we simply cannot work with.

When I used the word confrontation earlier, it's because I was expecting the crying and woe-is-me stuff, or yelling and shouting. What I got was a non-existent shell of a being who does not acknowledge any of her reality, and thought I was to blame for her son's shunning of her. When I explained that we don't talk to her anymore because DH WANTS IT THIS WAY because he does not want a relationship with her and because he feels their relationship is horribly damaged, I was met with stunned silence. She honestly thought we wouldn't talk to her because she was mean to me last Easter.

And you can't reason with the unreasonable or argue with crazy. I had planned to hang up if it got ugly, but I never had to. I shocked the heck right out of her with reality.

It sounds like it was a good conversation for you and I'm glad. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that she'll need to be smacked upside the head with a heaping dose of reality a few more times before all is said and done. She'll be calling back crying, attempting to guilt trip, proferring all kinds of empty apologies and promises....

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Well, it took me almost 2 days of on and off reading to get through this thread. Many posts made me laugh and many made me cry and I could really identify with most of the posts. To help paint the picture of my MIL, think of the actress Shirley Maclain in the movie Terms of Endearment (she could literally be her twin and many people think she looks like her, especially in that movie) with the same selfish, no boundaries, crazy personality as Aurora and then sprinkle in a bit of T.V.'s Marie Barone, off Everybody Loves Raymond, (but not as endearing) and you get a glimpse of my MIL's appearance and behavior. She is affectionately (or should I say sarcastically) known to all of my friends as, "My Beloved Carol."

Where to start, where to start, I could write a book - literally, I could write a book. I've actually thought of making up a stand up comedy routine called My Beloved Carol - ya know, sometimes you need to laugh to keep from crying But before I share the story of My Beloved Carol, I want to tell you that I have a precious, loving, hard working, kind and wonderful husband, as many of you do. People often ask, as they probably have of many of you also, why does your husband put up with that or not stand up to her or cut her out of his life? Some people do not understand what it is like to be raised by a selfish, controlling, brow-beating, crazy person. A person who does nothing but beat into your head and heart that you owe her everything and deserve nothing. A person who oozes guilt and manipulation. It has taken me many years to realize what exactly my DH and his younger brother and sister had to take for many years. I'll try to condense this as much as I can, so you don't actually have to read my book

She divorced my FIL when my DH was 12 because FIL did not spend enough time with her at the hospital when she had kidney surgery. He was at home taking care of their 3 young children and she was in the hospital for a few days. I know it sounds trivial, but it's been 35 years and she STILL talks about it, how he never loved her enough. FIL moved to another state and she did not allow him to see the kids much. She remarried, less than a year after their divorce, a man who didn't give a flip about her kids. They lasted about 10 years and she divorced him too. She says her 2 husbands turned her into a "man hater" and she will never trust or love another man again - she would frequently say this in front of her sons. She's 70 now, and to my knowledge, has never dated or had another relationship of any kind since the second divorce. All focus was then turned to her adult children and their lives. My husband has been emotionally and financially responsible for himself since he was 16 years old. She kind of turned him into the head male figure of their family and made him feel like he was responsible for all of them. My SIL joined the military as soon as she got out of the high school to get away from her.

Fast forward to when DH and I started dating. She lived 3 hours from him then and I met her a couple of times and she seemed fine, normal, I daresay. Then the first weird thing happened, she called my DH a few days before our wedding and I could hear her screaming, "Have you told her? You have to tell her!" I was looking at him like, what the heck? He gets off the phone and tells me he has to tell me something. He explains to me that his mother started seeing a therapist and the therapist has helped her "rediscover" some repressed memories and that his mother has (a week before our wedding) confronted her brother, my husband's uncle, about molesting her during her entire childhood. The uncle denied it and said she had gone off the deep end. And, well, as you can imagine, no one from that side of the family was coming to our wedding. I actually felt sorry for her, because who would make something like that up? . . . Mistake number one.

We wanted kids right away and had our sweet first DD. We would see MIL every couple of months or so, you know dote on her over the weekend and take her to dinner. She still lived 3 hours away - a nice buffer. My SIL had 2 daughters and had divorced a number of years before and lived near MIL. She would tell me annoying things about MIL, but I just thought it was their mother/daughter issues. When my DD was 18 months old, my SIL decided to move closer to us so the kids would be close and she would have more of a support system and a male role model for her kids. Well, about 2 or 3 months after my SIL had moved near us, there was a knock on our door, and it was my MIL. She yells, "SURPRISE!" and informs us she quit her job (her very well paying job that she had been at for 7 years) and is moving to our town and will be staying with us until she finds a place of her own and a job. She also informs my DH he needs to call his brother and that the two of them need to go to her home and move all of her things into a storage unit near us. She tells them that everything is already boxed up and ready to go and she had informed her apartment complex she would not be returning. Yep, you guessed it, they traveled the next day, got her stuff and put it in a storage unit near our home. This is the point when the crazy really started coming out, or I was really seeing it.

Well, it's getting late and this post has turned long, so I will try to finish my crazy IL saga tomorrow. . .

 

[Jennasis]

Yesterday was a good day. During my phone conversation with MIL on Monday, I had said to MIL that she was to stop calling DH at work again to unload her emotional baggage on him. His workplace is an inappropriate place to dump all of their relationship issues on him, he really can't give you his full attention anyway, and it's terribly unprofessional. I reminded her what time he gets home from work and told her he would be happy to talk to her anytime he's home.

DH himself has told her many times that she has to stop calling him at work. It puts him in a very bad head space for the rest of his work day, among other things.

you KNOW she called him at work Tuesday morning! Still clinging to her deluded idea that she had no idea he was mad at her for anything, she actually demanded to know what his problem with her was. He managed to get her off the phone without losing his cool in front of his coworkers and boss. So naturally, when he called me at lunch and mentioned the call, I saw red...

So I called her back after I got off the phone with him and very calmly went up one side and down the other. Never raised my voice, or used language. I told her that part of the reason her relationship with us is so damaged is because she is exceptionally selfish and does not LISTEN to what people say to her and she says and does whatever she wants, consequences and everyone else's feelings be damned. I reminded her that I had expressly told her to not call him at work and the first thing she does is ignore that (because it wasn't what SHE wanted and didn't realize how frustrating or inconvenient etc it was). I asked her if she actually HEARD and UNDERSTOOD what I was telling her, and I got a sullen "yeah".

It felt good to stand up to her and to stand up for ourselves. I know it's harder for DH because he DOES love her and feels a lot of guilt over our cutting her off (even though he knows it's necessary).

 

[RachaelA]

Yesterday was a good day. During my phone conversation with MIL on Monday, I had said to MIL that she was to stop calling DH at work again to unload her emotional baggage on him. His workplace is an inappropriate place to dump all of their relationship issues on him, he really can't give you his full attention anyway, and it's terribly unprofessional. I reminded her what time he gets home from work and told her he would be happy to talk to her anytime he's home.

DH himself has told her many times that she has to stop calling him at work. It puts him in a very bad head space for the rest of his work day, among other things.

you KNOW she called him at work Tuesday morning! Still clinging to her deluded idea that she had no idea he was mad at her for anything, she actually demanded to know what his problem with her was. He managed to get her off the phone without losing his cool in front of his coworkers and boss. So naturally, when he called me at lunch and mentioned the call, I saw red...

So I called her back after I got off the phone with him and very calmly went up one side and down the other. Never raised my voice, or used language. I told her that part of the reason her relationship with us is so damaged is because she is exceptionally selfish and does not LISTEN to what people say to her and she says and does whatever she wants, consequences and everyone else's feelings be damned. I reminded her that I had expressly told her to not call him at work and the first thing she does is ignore that (because it wasn't what SHE wanted and didn't realize how frustrating or inconvenient etc it was). I asked her if she actually HEARD and UNDERSTOOD what I was telling her, and I got a sullen "yeah".

It felt good to stand up to her and to stand up for ourselves. I know it's harder for DH because he DOES love her and feels a lot of guilt over our cutting her off (even though he knows it's necessary).

Why is your husband even answering the phone at work? She keeps calling because he keeps answering.

Why are you trying to reason/understand someone who is crazy? Why are you wasting your time?

It may feel good to stand up for yourselves, but nothing is going to change (she just proved that again!) and then you are going to feel bad again.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I havent read your whole story, but if she is so insistant in calling his work why doesnt he get a court order to keep her from doing so? It seems everytime you call back it keeps the drama flowing which is what she wants. He should love his mom and be respectful, but there are boundaries. I would certanly not call her back as you told her you were cutting it off. But she knows different cause you call back. Its called mean what you say and do it.

Believe me I know its hard, but somethings call for tough love.

 

[HM]

If husband can't tell that MIL is the one on the phone when he answers (no caller ID or something at work) then the first thing he should do when he realizes it is her is say "Mother, I can't talk to you at work, I'm hanging up now".

 

[TiggerTails57]

Well, it took me almost 2 days of on and off reading to get through this thread. Many posts made me laugh and many made me cry and I could really identify with most of the posts. To help paint the picture of my MIL, think of the actress Shirley Maclain in the movie Terms of Endearment (she could literally be her twin and many people think she looks like her, especially in that movie) with the same selfish, no boundaries, crazy personality as Aurora and then sprinkle in a bit of T.V.'s Marie Barone, off Everybody Loves Raymond, (but not as endearing) and you get a glimpse of my MIL's appearance and behavior. She is affectionately (or should I say sarcastically) known to all of my friends as, "My Beloved Carol."

Where to start, where to start, I could write a book - literally, I could write a book. I've actually thought of making up a stand up comedy routine called My Beloved Carol - ya know, sometimes you need to laugh to keep from crying But before I share the story of My Beloved Carol, I want to tell you that I have a precious, loving, hard working, kind and wonderful husband, as many of you do. People often ask, as they probably have of many of you also, why does your husband put up with that or not stand up to her or cut her out of his life? Some people do not understand what it is like to be raised by a selfish, controlling, brow-beating, crazy person. A person who does nothing but beat into your head and heart that you owe her everything and deserve nothing. A person who oozes guilt and manipulation. It has taken me many years to realize what exactly my DH and his younger brother and sister had to take for many years. I'll try to condense this as much as I can, so you don't actually have to read my book

She divorced my FIL when my DH was 12 because FIL did not spend enough time with her at the hospital when she had kidney surgery. He was at home taking care of their 3 young children and she was in the hospital for a few days. I know it sounds trivial, but it's been 35 years and she STILL talks about it, how he never loved her enough. FIL moved to another state and she did not allow him to see the kids much. She remarried, less than a year after their divorce, a man who didn't give a flip about her kids. They lasted about 10 years and she divorced him too. She says her 2 husbands turned her into a "man hater" and she will never trust or love another man again - she would frequently say this in front of her sons. She's 70 now, and to my knowledge, has never dated or had another relationship of any kind since the second divorce. All focus was then turned to her adult children and their lives. My husband has been emotionally and financially responsible for himself since he was 16 years old. She kind of turned him into the head male figure of their family and made him feel like he was responsible for all of them. My SIL joined the military as soon as she got out of the high school to get away from her.

Fast forward to when DH and I started dating. She lived 3 hours from him then and I met her a couple of times and she seemed fine, normal, I daresay. Then the first weird thing happened, she called my DH a few days before our wedding and I could hear her screaming, "Have you told her? You have to tell her!" I was looking at him like, what the heck? He gets off the phone and tells me he has to tell me something. He explains to me that his mother started seeing a therapist and the therapist has helped her "rediscover" some repressed memories and that his mother has (a week before our wedding) confronted her brother, my husband's uncle, about molesting her during her entire childhood. The uncle denied it and said she had gone off the deep end. And, well, as you can imagine, no one from that side of the family was coming to our wedding. I actually felt sorry for her, because who would make something like that up? . . . Mistake number one.

We wanted kids right away and had our sweet first DD. We would see MIL every couple of months or so, you know dote on her over the weekend and take her to dinner. She still lived 3 hours away - a nice buffer. My SIL had 2 daughters and had divorced a number of years before and lived near MIL. She would tell me annoying things about MIL, but I just thought it was their mother/daughter issues. When my DD was 18 months old, my SIL decided to move closer to us so the kids would be close and she would have more of a support system and a male role model for her kids. Well, about 2 or 3 months after my SIL had moved near us, there was a knock on our door, and it was my MIL. She yells, "SURPRISE!" and informs us she quit her job (her very well paying job that she had been at for 7 years) and is moving to our town and will be staying with us until she finds a place of her own and a job. She also informs my DH he needs to call his brother and that the two of them need to go to her home and move all of her things into a storage unit near us. She tells them that everything is already boxed up and ready to go and she had informed her apartment complex she would not be returning. Yep, you guessed it, they traveled the next day, got her stuff and put it in a storage unit near our home. This is the point when the crazy really started coming out, or I was really seeing it.

Well, it's getting late and this post has turned long, so I will try to finish my crazy IL saga tomorrow. . .

Can't wait for more...........poor you!

 

[Jennasis]

I appreciate all of the advice. It's hard to walk the walk...it really is. We're trying to do the best we can with what we've got, and it's not perfect, by any stretch.

I remember when my sister finally admitted to my parents that she was bulemic. My dad's sage advice was "just stop throwing up". He's technically right, and it IS what she needed to do...but getting there took a lot of time, included a lot of setbacks, and plenty of outside help. She's doing great now 20 years later.

It's a battle.

 

[Principessa1284]

I appreciate all of the advice. It's hard to walk the walk...it really is. We're trying to do the best we can with what we've got, and it's not perfect, by any stretch.

I remember when my sister finally admitted to my parents that she was bulemic. My dad's sage advice was "just stop throwing up". He's technically right, and it IS what she needed to do...but getting there took a lot of time, included a lot of setbacks, and plenty of outside help. She's doing great now 20 years later.

It's a battle.

Best of luck!! I absolutely understand. At least she's not in the same house! My ILs are still with us.. 2 months later.. I'm ready to google how to make a hangman's noose. I'm seriously about to lose it. My relationship with my husband right now is awful - that's what ALWAYS happens when they come into town. Thank god we leave for vacation tonight!! 3 Glorious days on the Disney Dream in T-minus 24 hours - I can't wait!!

Originally they were going to leave Friday, and said they'd stay with the cats until Sunday when we came home.. however.. MIL's doctor said she needed more surgery on her nose (she's had some pre-cancerous stuff in there or something, I don't know - I mostly tune out when she's talking because I just don't care anymore). She asked me last night when we were leaving I said, tomorrow evening. And she said, "OH! Well, I'm having surgery on thursday... you're not leaving thursday night or friday??" And then stared at me, as if I would give it a quick thought and says "Oh nevermind MIL! We'll leave Friday so we can be there for you during your 30 minute outpatient surgery!!" It's a cruise, first of all, I can't exactly change the sail date. Secondly, I really don't care if she was having her liver removed, I'd still be going on my cruise. I have no desire to comfort such a nasty, selfish woman who has made my life such a living hell - especially living 5 feet from here in the past 2 months. You should hear the things she's been saying to SIL (my husband's sister) over the phone. She makes sure to go outside or in the bedroom when she talks to her so no one can hear, but SIL is sure to tell us about the conversation later. It's like MIL broke her "I'm not speaking to you" silence with SIL just so she could call her and remind her that she's living her life in sin and is an abomination to god and all that jazz. I honestly don't know why SIL continues to answer the phone. I think it's gotten to be a source of amusement at this point for her, like, how many times can you beat a dead horse?

The good news, for me and DH at least, is that hopefully soon we will have our own house! The bank approved us for a loan and we've started to look at houses... a much more daunting task than I thought it was going to be. I was going to try to have us moved out by the end of the year, but that's definitely not going to happen at this point. My next goal is by Valentines Day! And boy, are MIL and FIL in for a shock when we leave. They're not even going to get our new address. They'll also be VERY VERY lucky if they even get to MEET their Grandchildren, when we have them, if how they treat their current Gkids is any indication. I'm done playing nice.

 

[Jennasis]

Best of luck!! I absolutely understand. At least she's not in the same house! My ILs are still with us.. 2 months later.. I'm ready to google how to make a hangman's noose. I'm seriously about to lose it. My relationship with my husband right now is awful - that's what ALWAYS happens when they come into town. Thank god we leave for vacation tonight!! 3 Glorious days on the Disney Dream in T-minus 24 hours - I can't wait!!

Originally they were going to leave Friday, and said they'd stay with the cats until Sunday when we came home.. however.. MIL's doctor said she needed more surgery on her nose (she's had some pre-cancerous stuff in there or something, I don't know - I mostly tune out when she's talking because I just don't care anymore). She asked me last night when we were leaving I said, tomorrow evening. And she said, "OH! Well, I'm having surgery on thursday... you're not leaving thursday night or friday??" And then stared at me, as if I would give it a quick thought and says "Oh nevermind MIL! We'll leave Friday so we can be there for you during your 30 minute outpatient surgery!!" It's a cruise, first of all, I can't exactly change the sail date. Secondly, I really don't care if she was having her liver removed, I'd still be going on my cruise. I have no desire to comfort such a nasty, selfish woman who has made my life such a living hell - especially living 5 feet from here in the past 2 months. You should hear the things she's been saying to SIL (my husband's sister) over the phone. She makes sure to go outside or in the bedroom when she talks to her so no one can hear, but SIL is sure to tell us about the conversation later. It's like MIL broke her "I'm not speaking to you" silence with SIL just so she could call her and remind her that she's living her life in sin and is an abomination to god and all that jazz. I honestly don't know why SIL continues to answer the phone. I think it's gotten to be a source of amusement at this point for her, like, how many times can you beat a dead horse?

The good news, for me and DH at least, is that hopefully soon we will have our own house! The bank approved us for a loan and we've started to look at houses... a much more daunting task than I thought it was going to be. I was going to try to have us moved out by the end of the year, but that's definitely not going to happen at this point. My next goal is by Valentines Day! And boy, are MIL and FIL in for a shock when we leave. They're not even going to get our new address. They'll also be VERY VERY lucky if they even get to MEET their Grandchildren, when we have them, if how they treat their current Gkids is any indication. I'm done playing nice.

Living with IL's is the worst. So happy for you that you got the loan approved and can start the process of escaping!

 

[Avery&Todd]

OK - where has this thread been my whole life!!

I have a few stories to share....for some background info, DH and I met in high school (HS) scared1 and were married at 21, and we've been married for 18 years... ...(great, now you know how old I am....)

anyhoo...here's a good one..

one time in HS, DH's father (not my FIL at the time) told me that..."I deserved someone better than his son"....really? You're going to tell a 16 yrd old girl that??

a better one...

DH's father told DH (who was still a teenager at the time) that..."he should have never been born, but they were snowed in (living in Iowa) and didnt have "anything better" to do at the time"...

or how about this....

DH was estranged from his mom for a few years after his parents got divorced & his father got custody (yes, the SAME crazy man who made the above comments)....and after HS, DH started making amends with his mom - well, his father (still not yet my FIL) wrote DH a letter stating..."I hear you're talking to your mom...if I find out this is true, I'll hurt you so bad I'll put you in the hospital even if I have to go to jail".....

oh yes my friends..the crazy man ACTUALLY wrote that in a letter to his 20 yr old son...

and before I get bombarded with sympathy for being related to someone who would say such mean things, DH and I have come to realize that there are some people in this world who are related to you, but are not worth having in your life..they only bring you down, not up...

I'm proud to say that we have not spoken to, nor seen my FIL since the June before we got married...which is over 18 years ago..

and yes, I do think that it's sad my FIL will never really know what a good person/hubby/dad his son (my DH) turned out to be, or how wonderful his 2 grandson's are..but I would never, ever subject them to someone as "evil and down right unhappy" as he is/was..

 

[pkondz]

DH's father told DH (who was still a teenager at the time) that..."he should have never been born, but they were snowed in (living in Iowa) and didnt have "anything better" to do at the time"...

Cruel, but funny. I'd heard that more kids are born 9 months after blackouts then at any other time. So I'm guessing your DH wasn't the only blizzard baby that year!

 

[HelenePA]

Cruel, but funny. I'd heard that more kids are born 9 months after blackouts then at any other time. So I'm guessing your DH wasn't the only blizzard baby that year!

a hurricane and no power is to thank for one of my kids

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Continued from post #504

For about a year I put up with her showing up at our house, without calling first, just barging in and not even knocking. She came by on an almost daily basis and felt the need to critique my parenting, my housekeeping, what kind of wife I should be. Everything I did was wrong. I was feeding the baby the wrong foods, was letting her watch t.v. and rotting her brain (she watched a few shows on PBS like Barney and Arthur), etc. One day she opened my refrigerator and screamed, I came running in to see what was wrong and she shoved a yogurt cup in my face and said it had aspartame in it and I was essentially fermenting our child's brain with chemicals and poison. She threw all the yogurt away and said if she ever saw it in there again she would have to turn me in to CPS. I told her she was overreacting and asked her to leave. I was very upset and told my husband how upset I was, but he thought I had misunderstood her and surely she was joking or being sarcastic. The next day I sent her an email telling her the things she had done that had hurt my feeling. I wasn't mean or nasty, but told her I wanted to have a good relationship with her, but she had to stop saying and doing unkind things. I didn't hear from her for a week and then, BAM, she charges in my front door, waving the email I sent, screaming that she was there to discuss the "death threat" that I had sent her. She said she considered my email nothing but a veiled death threat. She cussed me up one side and down the other. Told me I was a horrible person, a horrible mother and a horrible wife. I am rarely at a loss for words, but I just sat there on my sofa stunned. I was pregnant with our son then and was having blood pressure issues so I knew I wasn't supposed to get upset. I asked her to leave, as I couldn't have my blood pressure go up higher than it probably already was and she screams at me and says she can't believe that I just accused her of trying to kill my unborn baby.

My husband comes home and I tell him everything that happened. He calls her immediately and she tells him that I, once again, have misunderstood her and she was just devastated by the email I sent and that she was out of her mind with grief. I told him I didn't want her in my house again and didn't want to see her. That went on for a couple of years, where I just avoided her when I could.

A few years after that big blow up I attended a Bible study about forgiveness. I decided I would forgive her and love her for no other reason than she was my husband's mother. She was always such a point of contention in our marriage and is the one and only source of the only serious, large arguments we have ever had. I knew she would never change and decided to accept her for what she was. I did this for about 9 years, just ignoring her snide comments and just going with the flow. We still had some friction, but I just refused to play into her hands or let her cause issues with me and my husband. Her antics became kind of a running joke with our friends.

This approach with her worked well until about 2 years ago. By sheer horrible coincidence, she lost her job the same week that my husband's secretary quit - we own 3 large tire and automotive stores. She convinced my husband that she would come in and "help" him out for a few weeks while he looked for another secretary and she looked for another job. HA! You can guess how that went! I warned him that if he let her in that office, he would never get her out. Also, about that time, my husbands sister, her daughter, was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. As those of you who have narcissists in your life can imagine, that cancer diagnoses became all about HER. My SIL put up with her, the way we all did, but said she could not deal with her mother's negative energy and fight cancer. She essentially told my MIL this, but MIL just dogged her constantly - she would even show up at her chemo treatments after SIL told her not to come. The chemo nurses even had to ask MIL to leave the hospital one time. During all of that she was driving my husband insane at his office, our managers couldn't stand her. Every time my husband would bring up the subject of her getting another job, she would dissolve into tears and start talking about his dying sister - can you say manipulative? Plus she was really taking advantage of him financially - showing up about 20 hours per week and still expecting to get paid for 40 hours, using the company credit card to buy her gas and groceries, would buy expensive, frivolous items for the office that they did not need. He had always given her money over the years and footed the bill for every meal, vacation or family function, but it started going way beyond that. During this time frame she decided to take a 2 week trip to Hawaii and after being there a week, called and told DH to wire her $1,200.00 because she was already out of money and wanted to finish her trip and be able to make it home.

My SIL's cancer was too progressed and none of her treatments were working, so in the summer of 2010, her doctors decided to call in hospice. My BIL called and told my MIL the news and said that they thought she only had a couple of months to live. The next day he allowed MIL to come and sit with SIL for a while he ran some errands and went to get her meds. While there she decides to talk to SIL about hospice being called and tells her, and I quote, "You know this means that you are going to die soon, don't you?" Well, BIL comes home and SIL is very upset and he tells MIL to leave. My SIL died 2 weeks later, my BIL thinks MIL just crushed her will to live. It was devastating for my DH's entire family. My MIL requests to speak at the funeral, so she can "honor" her daughter. The entire speech was about HER and how SIL's life and cancer affected HER.

Fast forward a few months to MIL's birthday, which I always observe, even though she has not acknowledged my birthday in any way in the 17 years I have known her. She starts bad mouthing my DH and how he runs his business to some other family members - IN FRONT OF ME. I very calmly told her that she needed to look for another job if she didn't like the way he ran things and I got up and left the room. I told my DH we needed to leave. I told him what happened in the car and he said he would tell her the next day that she needed to find another job. He walks in the office the next day and she jumps all over him about the gift I gave her for her birthday - a gift card for Banes & Noble. He calls to tell me this and so I call her and she tells me that I have once again given her a gift she doesn't want and can't use and maybe in the future we can just give her cash. I proceded to tell her that it really hurt my feelings that she never liked anything I gave her and that I also found it hurtful that got her something for every birthday, mother's day and Christmas and she had never given me a gift of any kind and had never even uttered the words Happy Birthday to me, her son's wife. Well, she went OFF. She started cussing me out. I hung up on her and she started leaving me crazy threatening messages that she was coming to hunt me down. And, sure enough, she showed up at our home and started beating on the doors and windows, still cussing me and threatening me. I called DH and told him what was going on and he said he was on his way there. I never opened the door and she left right before DH got home. He listened to the CRAZY messages and, literally, started to cry. He was horrified by the things she said and the way she said them. He called her and told her how upset he was and how devastated he was by what she did to me. He also told her to clean out her desk and that he did not want her back at the office. She cried and asked what she could do to make it alright, but he said he didn't know and hung up.

We didn't hear from her for a couple of month and then she called him out of the blue and said she was on her way to get our kids for a sleep over and he needed to call me and make sure I had them ready!?! He told her that they were not going to her house and he wasn't calling me and that we had plans that evening - which was a big mistake. She ended up stalking us at our friends homes until she found us. Let's just say it was not a pretty confrontation. My husband is totally put out with her now. I AM DONE. Period. My husband has not talked to her in months and it's been a mixed blessing. He's more happy at work and it's a great relief that we are finally on the same page about his mother, but I know he is very disappointed in his mother and the way she has treated us. I wondered what we would say to the kids about not seeing her, but only our youngest child has even mentioned her - in 8 months.

I'm holding my breath with the holidays coming up and wondering if she is going to do something crazy. She told my husband's brother that she was going out of town, but I don't really believe it.

I'm curious to know from others on this thread who have had to cut ILs out of your life, what did you tell your children? I know we need to have some dialog about this with our kids, but I'm not sure what to say. I have even mentioned to my DH that we might need to talk to our minister or a counselor about it.

 

[Avery&Todd]

I'm curious to know from others on this thread who have had to cut ILs out of your life, what did you tell your children? I know we need to have some dialog about this with our kids, but I'm not sure what to say. I have even mentioned to my DH that we might need to talk to our minister or a counselor about it.

Perhaps we were "lucky" in the fact that we cut DH's father before we had kids - I mean, he's been gone from our lives for over 18 years, and my oldest is only 12...

But, we honestly never mentioned anything to my oldest until a few years ago when he was doing a family history project and we talked to him about how dad's side of the tree needed an "extra branch" and that Grandma and Papa John were married, but at one time Grandma had been married to someone else, and that person was dad's "real" dad. But we continued to explain that he wasnt a nice person, and since we try to teach our boys that real friends treat you with respect and kindness and when you have someone who doesnt treat you that way, you dont need to stay around them. We certainly didnt get into the specifics of the physical confrontation that DH and his father had, or the mental abuse he went through and we've never given examples of the mean things he said to us.

It makes me sad on some level that he doesnt have a relationship with us. I lost both of my parents this year, and DH's mom lives 24 hrs away, and her husband, Papa John, who my boys loved like their grandfather, died 3 years ago...My boys have 1 grandmother at the age of 12 and 9...they'll have no memories of "traveling to Grand-dads house" or any sweet memories like I have from growing up near my grandparents. But even as sad as it is not having a grandfather, I know deep in my heart that its healthier to NOT have him in our lives than to let him in, and have him be hurtful to us and possibly my boys.

And for the record, in those 18 years we've not talked - we've not contacted him and he hasnt tried to contact us either. So, my hopes that one day the grumpy, mean man I knew him to be has possibly turned into a remorseful loving man are slim to none...

So you need to say to yourself, is this MIL/SIL/FIL (whoever) a good person for my kids to be around? Will my kids learn good things from them? When my kids grow up and remember their childhood will it be filled with great family memories or something less than great?

Personally, I'd rather my kids have fewer family members than a bunch of crazy, mean ones..

But you also have to have the support of your spouse to be able to walk away from family - especially if the family you're walking away from is not your own. You're not just taking yourself and your kids away from whomever you're leaving, but you're asking your spouse to leave their family too - and some just cant do it - no matter how much it hurts to stay.

I wish I had more answers....

 

[Jennasis]

Continued from post #504

For about a year I put up with her showing up at our house, without calling first, just barging in and not even knocking. She came by on an almost daily basis and felt the need to critique my parenting, my housekeeping, what kind of wife I should be. Everything I did was wrong. I was feeding the baby the wrong foods, was letting her watch t.v. and rotting her brain (she watched a few shows on PBS like Barney and Arthur), etc. One day she opened my refrigerator and screamed, I came running in to see what was wrong and she shoved a yogurt cup in my face and said it had aspartame in it and I was essentially fermenting our child's brain with chemicals and poison. She threw all the yogurt away and said if she ever saw it in there again she would have to turn me in to CPS. I told her she was overreacting and asked her to leave. I was very upset and told my husband how upset I was, but he thought I had misunderstood her and surely she was joking or being sarcastic. The next day I sent her an email telling her the things she had done that had hurt my feeling. I wasn't mean or nasty, but told her I wanted to have a good relationship with her, but she had to stop saying and doing unkind things. I didn't hear from her for a week and then, BAM, she charges in my front door, waving the email I sent, screaming that she was there to discuss the "death threat" that I had sent her. She said she considered my email nothing but a veiled death threat. She cussed me up one side and down the other. Told me I was a horrible person, a horrible mother and a horrible wife. I am rarely at a loss for words, but I just sat there on my sofa stunned. I was pregnant with our son then and was having blood pressure issues so I knew I wasn't supposed to get upset. I asked her to leave, as I couldn't have my blood pressure go up higher than it probably already was and she screams at me and says she can't believe that I just accused her of trying to kill my unborn baby.

My husband comes home and I tell him everything that happened. He calls her immediately and she tells him that I, once again, have misunderstood her and she was just devastated by the email I sent and that she was out of her mind with grief. I told him I didn't want her in my house again and didn't want to see her. That went on for a couple of years, where I just avoided her when I could.

A few years after that big blow up I attended a Bible study about forgiveness. I decided I would forgive her and love her for no other reason than she was my husband's mother. She was always such a point of contention in our marriage and is the one and only source of the only serious, large arguments we have ever had. I knew she would never change and decided to accept her for what she was. I did this for about 9 years, just ignoring her snide comments and just going with the flow. We still had some friction, but I just refused to play into her hands or let her cause issues with me and my husband. Her antics became kind of a running joke with our friends.

This approach with her worked well until about 2 years ago. By sheer horrible coincidence, she lost her job the same week that my husband's secretary quit - we own 3 large tire and automotive stores. She convinced my husband that she would come in and "help" him out for a few weeks while he looked for another secretary and she looked for another job. HA! You can guess how that went! I warned him that if he let her in that office, he would never get her out. Also, about that time, my husbands sister, her daughter, was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. As those of you who have narcissists in your life can imagine, that cancer diagnoses became all about HER. My SIL put up with her, the way we all did, but said she could not deal with her mother's negative energy and fight cancer. She essentially told my MIL this, but MIL just dogged her constantly - she would even show up at her chemo treatments after SIL told her not to come. The chemo nurses even had to ask MIL to leave the hospital one time. During all of that she was driving my husband insane at his office, our managers couldn't stand her. Every time my husband would bring up the subject of her getting another job, she would dissolve into tears and start talking about his dying sister - can you say manipulative? Plus she was really taking advantage of him financially - showing up about 20 hours per week and still expecting to get paid for 40 hours, using the company credit card to buy her gas and groceries, would buy expensive, frivolous items for the office that they did not need. He had always given her money over the years and footed the bill for every meal, vacation or family function, but it started going way beyond that. During this time frame she decided to take a 2 week trip to Hawaii and after being there a week, called and told DH to wire her $1,200.00 because she was already out of money and wanted to finish her trip and be able to make it home.

My SIL's cancer was too progressed and none of her treatments were working, so in the summer of 2010, her doctors decided to call in hospice. My BIL called and told my MIL the news and said that they thought she only had a couple of months to live. The next day he allowed MIL to come and sit with SIL for a while he ran some errands and went to get her meds. While there she decides to talk to SIL about hospice being called and tells her, and I quote, "You know this means that you are going to die soon, don't you?" Well, BIL comes home and SIL is very upset and he tells MIL to leave. My SIL died 2 weeks later, my BIL thinks MIL just crushed her will to live. It was devastating for my DH's entire family. My MIL requests to speak at the funeral, so she can "honor" her daughter. The entire speech was about HER and how SIL's life and cancer affected HER.

Fast forward a few months to MIL's birthday, which I always observe, even though she has not acknowledged my birthday in any way in the 17 years I have known her. She starts bad mouthing my DH and how he runs his business to some other family members - IN FRONT OF ME. I very calmly told her that she needed to look for another job if she didn't like the way he ran things and I got up and left the room. I told my DH we needed to leave. I told him what happened in the car and he said he would tell her the next day that she needed to find another job. He walks in the office the next day and she jumps all over him about the gift I gave her for her birthday - a gift card for Banes & Noble. He calls to tell me this and so I call her and she tells me that I have once again given her a gift she doesn't want and can't use and maybe in the future we can just give her cash. I proceded to tell her that it really hurt my feelings that she never liked anything I gave her and that I also found it hurtful that got her something for every birthday, mother's day and Christmas and she had never given me a gift of any kind and had never even uttered the words Happy Birthday to me, her son's wife. Well, she went OFF. She started cussing me out. I hung up on her and she started leaving me crazy threatening messages that she was coming to hunt me down. And, sure enough, she showed up at our home and started beating on the doors and windows, still cussing me and threatening me. I called DH and told him what was going on and he said he was on his way there. I never opened the door and she left right before DH got home. He listened to the CRAZY messages and, literally, started to cry. He was horrified by the things she said and the way she said them. He called her and told her how upset he was and how devastated he was by what she did to me. He also told her to clean out her desk and that he did not want her back at the office. She cried and asked what she could do to make it alright, but he said he didn't know and hung up.

We didn't hear from her for a couple of month and then she called him out of the blue and said she was on her way to get our kids for a sleep over and he needed to call me and make sure I had them ready!?! He told her that they were not going to her house and he wasn't calling me and that we had plans that evening - which was a big mistake. She ended up stalking us at our friends homes until she found us. Let's just say it was not a pretty confrontation. My husband is totally put out with her now. I AM DONE. Period. My husband has not talked to her in months and it's been a mixed blessing. He's more happy at work and it's a great relief that we are finally on the same page about his mother, but I know he is very disappointed in his mother and the way she has treated us. I wondered what we would say to the kids about not seeing her, but only our youngest child has even mentioned her - in 8 months.

I'm holding my breath with the holidays coming up and wondering if she is going to do something crazy. She told my husband's brother that she was going out of town, but I don't really believe it.

I'm curious to know from others on this thread who have had to cut ILs out of your life, what did you tell your children? I know we need to have some dialog about this with our kids, but I'm not sure what to say. I have even mentioned to my DH that we might need to talk to our minister or a counselor about it.

Your MIL is a sick sick woman. Thank God you have cut her out of your lives. Seek out a good...no, GREAT therapist for your DH and for the two of you together.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Oh, and I forgot to add, after MIL's last tirade went down, my DH's aunt, the wife of uncle who was accused of molesting his mom, called to see if we were coming to a family picnic at her house. (The aunt and MIL had made up a few years before when the uncle became very ill and MIL said that maybe her therapist "planted" those memories in her head and that they were no longer true.) Anyway, Aunt tells me not to let her get to me and that MIL has been a bitter and horrible person the entire 45 years she has known her. She also tells me that not only did MIL accuse her brother of things that were not true, but that she also tried to BLACKMAIL them for money. There are other things Aunt told me and other terrible things she has done, but it's just too much to go into.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Your MIL is a sick sick woman. Thank God you have cut her out of your lives. Seek out a good...no, GREAT therapist for your DH and for the two of you together.

Thanks