My future in-laws are psycho....

[TinkBride]

I need help!

Without going into details (it would take me days to explain), DF and i have been battling my future in-laws the whole week and basically they are telling DF he is making a mistake by marrying me. But it has escalated to his Aunt and grandparents as well. His Aunt let it be known this morning that she will most likely not be attending the wedding, which means the rest will probably follow her lead. Meaning none of his family will be there.

Obviously this is killing him and he is very depressed. I am feeling guilty if my family is there and his is not, but i really want my family there and my dad to walk me down the aisle.

I need advice on how to help DF through this. He is still very commited to marrying me, this has not changed that. How can we have a wedding with a groom that is upset that his family is not there? I am afraid he will not be happy on our wedding day.

I know a lot of you have one side of the family not attending for one reason or another, how are you dealing with this?

 

[ExCPKate]

I'm not really sure how to help you on this one, but I do know of a similiar situation. When my best friend got married, her df's mother told him the night before the wedding that he was making a huge mistake, and my friend overheard! Needless to say, she ended up confronting this woman and trying to get to the bottom of the situation. That was two years ago and she is getting along better with his family, but it hasn't been easy. Just remind your h2b that when two people get married, they are leaving their families to form a new one. Although it hurts, your first priority is eachother, and nothing else should matter. I know that doesn't erase the pain for either of you, but you must continue on with your plans with or without family support. I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[dbmarie]

Maybe you should postpone the wedding until either his family accepts you or df tells his family to back off. I'm not saying this to be harsh I just have had experience in this area and it only gets worse once your married and you have children.

 

[I'mNoPrince]

My FiL called me the Devils spawn .He told DW that she should never even think of making a family with me that I would take them all to hell with me.

Now I the first person he comes to when he needs something we have lasted longer then 2 of his 3 marriages combined he's still on the third so we will have to see.

It's hard but Df has to really make up mind on how he wants to handle this .You just need to stick to your guns and give them no reason to complain.

 

[JJClemson]

I am so sorry you have to go through this

I do not really have much advice b/c my situation is not as severe. DF's family does not like me (the feeling is mutual though ). He has had several discussions w/ his parents about accepting me, etc. We have come to the realization that it is not me they do not like, it's the idea of me. They don't want anyone to take their baby boy away So frustrating! However, they are coming to the wedding and they have started to accept me more and more over the past 5 years.

My advice would be to have your DF really talk to them. Let him explain to them you are his choice, and they have no say in the matter. Let him stress how happy he is with you. After all, shouldn't parents want their children to be happy? Good luck to you! Let us know how it turns out!

 

[sajetto]

Yes, we are going through this exact situation. NONE of my DF's family is coming to the wedding and he's excepted it and has seen how horrible they can really be. The solution.....we're moving. He just took a job many miles from them and we'll be putting our home on the market in the next few weeks.

 

[Belle1981]

I am so sorry that you are having such trouble. I think it's just awful that there are people out there who just seem to know exactly where to hit you where it hurts. The reality of the situation is this you can't have everyone like you all the time and to be quite honest if you DF's family doesn't except you its their loss. They are the ones missing out on getting to know a special person. The best thing for both of you to do is what is in your hearts. Remember when everything is over you two live with eachother not the extended family. As much as we all dream of getting along with everyone reality is families are crazy and that never going to change. This is a special day for you both and do not let anyone else ruin it for you. Keep strong and remember everyone here is cheering for you!

 

[jojoandhb]

My situation is similar, and I know this is not easy for you or your fiance. My fiance's mother has some problems...mentally. Her daughter moved back home 9 years ago after her divorce. She immediately told her mother to get a divorce, and she did. Now, 9 years later the sister has not worked and is sponging off mom. On top of that, she lets the sister boss her around. They never go anywhere, and mom pays sis to do the dishes and cut the grass. It's sad. Neither of them liked me before they even knew me. They ar elike two little old ladies sitting at home minding everyone else's business. I tried EVERYTHING to let them get to know me. I made them a nice dinner, and mom came but not sis. Neither came to our house warming party. I went to the fair with them, and they ditched me! I bought his mom a nice foot bath/massager for Mother's Day, and she gave it back to me saying she didn't want it and the cats would just lay on the box. It was $80! She has lots of foot problems. She could use it!! We have been dating almost 8 years, and they still tell him not to marry me! He was so upset at first. He'd get all depressed about it, but he has really sort of come to terms with it. I just listened and kept talking to him about it. He thinks his mom is ill as well, and realizes his sister is manipulating her. Neither is coming to the wedding. We look on the bright side about it. The people who will be there are the ones who love us and support us. It's better to have the people who WANT to be there come. If his mom and sister came, I'd be so uncomfortable. They'd have a problem with anything and say we spent too much on this or that. I don't want that tension. It's sad that your fiance's parents act this way. You cannot control other people. If they do not want to come, so be it. Make the best of your day anyway. Perhaps your faince could explain to his family in no uncertain terms that he loves you, he's marrying you, he's happy, and they are not to talk bad about you to him anymore. The end. I saw an episdoe of Dr. Phil with in law troubles, and he always says it's up to the person, whose parents they are, to fix things. I think sometimes parents are afraid of losing their child in marriage. They have these ideas of what they want for their son, and they don't realize their child is really happy.

 

[JonetteA]

We had the drama and the problems to. It is sad what people will do to get attention. I think that one thing you should ask your DF is if he is ok with them not being there. This was a real possibility for us at the last minute, and we did not know if they would sit in the correct seats at the wedding. I was planning alternative arrangements for a welcome party, and seating all the way and up to the time of the wedding.

At some point, we fell back on the old addage we had to use. Come or don't come that is up to you. We will miss you and we love you, but we are moving ahead.

I don't think they were against me, just trying to stir the pot as they did during the wedding. Weddings unfortunately bring out the worst in the people who are supposed to love you the most.

Hang in there we are there for you no matter what you decide. The decision should be you and your DF. Don't let anyone emotionally blackmail you to where you give up what you want and what would make you happy.

As for the aunt, I would tell her that she will be missed and you are sorry she feels that way. Then just walk away. Don't let this get in the way of your happiness together.

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

I am sorry to hear that you are getting a hard time from his family. I'm in a similar situation, his family used to love me and they now hate me. My fiance and I broke up for 2 months a while back (my decision) and they think he is making a huge mistake in marrying me. None of his family will be attending the wedding. They think the break up was totally my fault and have refused to understand that we have managed to sort through our problems and have come out stronger on the other side. His mother won't even talk to me now, as apparently I have hurt her by breaking up with her son in the past. Sheesh My fiance is upset by the fact that they don't support him or us, but he realises that we will have our own family and sometimes you just have to move on.

Like Sajetto, we too are moving abroad as soon as I graduate, and all I can say is good riddance to his family. I have forgiven his MIL of dozens of things she has said or done to me in the past, so if she can't get past this, it's her loss, she doesn't realise just how far she has pushed her son away, if they can't accept me, they also can't accept our future children!

Speak to your fiance about this and see how he feels, he will not let this spoil his day. He is marrying the woman of his dreams and his family are being selfish to not support him in this. He would never expect you to not have your family there. You and your fiance will soon be starting your married life together, so stay strong, you will get through this.

 

[kimnkel]

...when even families can't love and accept one another.

I used to think my grandmother was very weak for forgiving her in-laws for all manner of transgressions and hurts, and now I realize my grandmother had great strength to turn the other cheek to family members, time after time. My grandmother was very wise. I was the stupid, short-sighted one, thinking she should have insisited people accept her point of view always, and "punish" those for hurting her.

I have been reading about these problems people have with in-laws and, sadly, even their own family, and I hope most of them get worked out over time, because otherwise it is such a loss. For everyone. Like jojo and Summer Caitlin's FMIL--missing out on the joy and pure bliss that are grandchildren.

I dunno. I wouldn't let anything (short of my FSIL or FDIL being an ax murderer) keep me from having a relationship with my future grandchildren, not to mention my own son or daughter.

Why oh why don't people realize that at the end of the day all that matters is the love a person showed for others? Are they so perfect they can not accept another person--warts and all? So they don't like their new daughter-in-law's voting record, choice of car, how she sets the table for Thanksgiving, or her tattoos? Or they don't like their FSIL's job, attitude, or earrings? SO? They aren't marrying them--so can't they just be happy their child has found someone to love?

Sigh.

Okay.

That's my rant.

And I realize, more and more, that I am truly blessed to have had the family I have.