My DS7 is driving me crazy!!! Bad behavior at school & sass at home

[JamesMom]

Hello,

Before I pull my hair out or ship my son to China I wanted to get your experienced opinion on the matter. Remember, my son is 7 years old and in the first grade.

At my son's school they give color coded conduct reports for bad behavior. A couple of reminders earns you a yellow. A few more after that is blue and your daily chart is colored (which is sent home daily). Continue and you earn a red.

My son has had 1 blue conduct report this YEAR until two weeks ago.
Now he has had 4 bad conducts reports in 3 weeks and the sass and backtalk has increased dramatically at home. Use of 'whatever' and 'so' is driving me crazy. I can't find his button but he sure as heck is finding mine I'd expect this behavior from a middle schooler not a first grader *sigh*

I am trying my best not to yell or scream (and doing a good job I might add) and I am refraining from physical punishment.

Here is the email I sent to the teacher explaining things:

----------------------------
Mrs. B,

Sorry, this is so long, but I am very concerned about James' behavior as of late in class and am afraid I have slipped up. I didn't check James' folder until Sunday night and noticed that he got another blue conduct report on Friday.

Because of the red conduct on Wednesday in addition to breaking other rules at home, he was denied electronic media (except for school websites) from Wednesday through Saturday. He loves video games above all.

However, had I realized that he got another blue on Friday (2 days into the restriction) we would not have released him so soon. Needless to say, James did not volunteer the information.

I at a loss as to why he is acting out so much in class. Maybe I shouldn't have told him about our trip to Disney since his behavior declined so much since then. To be honest, I would have expected this behavior months ago when his grandmother died, but now, I think it must be something else. To receive four bad conduct reports in three weeks after a school year of good behavior is worrisome to me.

This has been the restriction schedule thus far:
- 1st blue - no allowance ($5) for the week
- 2nd blue - no allowace and either no playdate or no video games for 3 days.
3rd blue - no allowance and no playdates or video games for 3 days (same for red)
We have exhausted this list...and the behavior remains unchanged.

I am thinking of no electronic media until he gets at least 1 full week of good conduct. And he must present his folder to me everyday without asking or I add to the restriction. He now knows he has to re-earn our trust and the way to do so is to volunteer information instead of us hunting for it.

Thanks for listening. Who knew parenting was so hard? lol

If there is anything else I can do to help you and James, please let me know.

------------------------------------------------

Am I on the right track? Any advice from seasoned parents out there?

 

[Liltx]

How about turning the behavior you want into a positive. For example instead of taking away all of the allowance on one day have him earn one dollar for each green mark and add a dollar, playdate, or another choice for a perfect week. Let him choose what the extra is. He probably needs new motivation. Then if he has a bad day he still has a new chance the next day to earn a dollar. Otherwise he will probably give up when he messes up the first time.

I don't have any advice about the video games. I only let my first grader play on the weekends.

Before all of this I would really sit down and talk with him about it at a quiet time like when he is laying down for bed. Just listen and give no suggestions or judgement. Then say "Maybe you can think of some solutions to this problem, I will think too and we can talk more about it tomorrow."

Also, put him to bed a hour earlier for a while. This always correct behavior in my 7 year old. Sometimes she is just too tired. 7:30 is a perfect bedtime for a first grader by the time they fall asleep at 8:00.

If you have to go to a "yes, ma'ma" only response. The disrespect is just not OK. Make those other responses a bad word in your house. My children are not allowed to say they are bored. If they do then I give them something undesirable to do ex: organizing toys (since they are all boring donating some to Goodwill).

Good Luck! Parenting is a hard job.

Monica

 

[Whistle]

I want to thank you for reinforcing his behavior at home (which all of my students'parents did that!).

I agree with the other previous posters:

~look at his bedtime and perhaps make it earlier

~perhaps he could talk to the guidance counselor at school for help

~rather than focusing on the negative behavior, try to focus on the positives (I don't believe in rewarding children for expected behavior), but if you are looking for the negatives, it can tend to draw your attention that way (make sense?)

~continue to find out what "his" carrot is- and restrict that!

~if he is getting in trouble for the rudensess or being disprespectful, a consequence could be having him do something nice for someone else

Anyway, best of luck to you! Remember, sometimes when our children act the most unloveable is when they need love the most (easier said than done at times!)

 

[JamesMom]

OP here,

I try to focus on the positives. In fact, for his second blue (last week) he chose no video games but he was allowed on the computer to do homework. He went above and beyond the assignment - instead of 2 quizes he did 5 without prompting. I rewarded his initiative by lifting the 3 day restriction 1 day early- parole for good behavior. But then he got a red conduct just the next week.

He had a good cry and we had a long talk. Hopefully something sunk in. I like the do something nice when disrepectful - good idea.

 

[VirataMama4]

You mentioned that his grandmother passed a few months ago, he may be struggling with this if there has been an event that she would've been a part of, IE birthday, Easter etc. If there was a tradition that included her for Mother's day, he could be missing her extra because its coming up.

Also, you can check with his teacher and maybe he has started hanging out with a new group of kids. Kids that young are easily influenced by their friends and like to see what they can get away with.

Like PPs have said I would look at his bedtime. Try putting him to bed 30 minutes earlier and see if that doesn't help.
How about writing a letter of apology to his teacher for being disrespectful.

Good luck!

 

[tessa67]

A couple ideas:

Has something changed in his diet? Has he started eating or drinking something with an additive that could be affecting him?

What exactly is the bad behavior? Is he not doing work? Or acting out in class? WHAT he is doing could be a key as to why. For example, if he is not doing work or not answering teacher questions, it may be a seeing or hearing issue. Or a learning disability. He is just first grade so if he has dyslexia or something like that, it would be affecting him now.

Is his bad behavior anger or frustration related? If so, who has he been spending time alone with? Adult or teenager? Coach? I am sure you get what I am saying here.

 

[badblackpug]

A few ideas. I like the rewarding good behavior. Instead of taking things away make him earn them. Basically the same thing, but it puts it in a positive light. Such as if he has a "green" day he gets x amount of media time. If he has a "blue" day no media time. If he has a "red" day he gets no media time, plus a punishment, he goes to his room (no toys) immediately after school and stays there (except for meals and the bathroom) 3 "green" days in a week and he can have a play date for the weekend. A full week of "green" days and he can choose a special activity for the weekend. 2 or more "red" days and he is in his room (no toys) for the weekend.

My other advice is to NEVER go back on a punishment, no matter how good he acts. If you say he is grounded for 3 days, then make sure he serves the whole 3 days. Consistency is king!

 

[indimom]

DS10 was driving me "NUTS" of late with his whining and hysterics, this is just not typical. It took me almost two weeks to realize it was the over-the-counter allergy meds - they were making him drowsy and cranky. Took him to the doc, got a prescription for a med that is "better tolerated" and got my mellow son back.
Sometimes there is something else going on. I remember when Indiana first went to Daylight Savings time, DD had some serious behavior issues and we realized she couldn't get to sleep because it was still light out at bedtime (and this is our child who needs all the sleep she can get). Added blinds and lined curtains and life went back to normal.
Or it could simply be over-excitement with the end of the schoolyear and a family vacation. Kids have a hard time calming themselves down when they are wound up about some things. (I run a day care and do NOT enjoy the weeks leading up to Christmas, the kids are so wound up. Our regular routine is just shot.)
I just wanted to add to the thought that sometimes kids can't control their behavior as well as adults and something else may be influencing his behavior, especially since this is soooo atypical.

One other piece of advice, try to stay as "unemotional" as possible when he is pushing your buttons. If he is doing it intentionally to work you up, he'll see it doesn't work. If he is doing it unintentionally (out of anger or frustration), he won't get more worked up when you get angry or upset. (Did that make sense??) Don't up the energy level by "arguing" with him or showing your emotions... try to keep the situation as calm as possible. Just state/repeat the rules and stick with it. Prase, praise, praise when he behaves appropriately. Good Luck. Parenting stinks sometimes...

 

[MSSANDRA]

I was going to answer much differently till I saw his grandmother died a month ago. Children grieve and react on a different time table than adults. It is not uncommon for children to have little or no responce when a love one dies. There is too much going on. Family is together, good food, it's almost like a party to them. Later (a month??) it starts to sink in that grandma is not coming back!!!

I would be shocked if that did not play a role in a normaly good kid acting out. You still have a to address the behavior, but maybe in a differnt more gentle way. Talk about grandma, let him know it's ok to miss her, cry whatever, and help him find other ways to express his feelings in a positive way.

Maybe he could write her a letter,plant her a tree, visit her resting site.

So sorry for your loss.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

OP here,

I try to focus on the positives. In fact, for his second blue (last week) he chose no video games but he was allowed on the computer to do homework. He went above and beyond the assignment - instead of 2 quizes he did 5 without prompting. I rewarded his initiative by lifting the 3 day restriction 1 day early- parole for good behavior. But then he got a red conduct just the next week.

He had a good cry and we had a long talk. Hopefully something sunk in. I like the do something nice when disrepectful - good idea.

I feel that you have to keep the original restriction.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think we are raising the same child. If it makes you feel better, mine is 1 of 5, and he's the only one who has had this issue really. Well, dd13 for a bit, but not to this extent. He went without the Wii all weekend because of a visit to the principal's office. A PP mentioned OTC medicines. My ds's behavior started going downhill a few weeks ago, when I started the nightly Zertec with the kids (we all have bad seasonal allergies).

Unfortunately, my ds7 is also, most likely, ADHD. Ds12 is not diagnosed, but I have enough information that our pediatrician will prescribe medication (just now - he's always been a straight A student, in the GT program, but even his teacher agrees he is just unable to focus and stay on task. He used to have self control issues, but is totally able to control now, it's just focus). Ds7 is also a straight A student, but has little self control at school (however, he's a junior blackbelt at TKD - the only place he does have it).

They don't have the card system in his classroom, so I've asked his teacher to put either a happy face or a sad face on his classwork, so I know what is going on. There are no electronics on sad face days. Good luck - even though I have older kids, this is pretty new to me.

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

I have a 7-yr-old son in 2nd grade. I find that this time of the school year, he's getting "burned out." He's been at the grind for 8 months and is just DONE. My son has been complaining of stomach aches and other mystery ailments lately, and I think he just needs some time off. We had Spring Break just a few weeks ago, but spent most of it traveling, so it wasn't much down time.

Also, if your son is an avid reader like mine is, what is he reading? My son loves the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, but I have to remind him that he is not that character and I am not that mother and I do NOT tolerate being spoken to in that manner. Also, he is not allowed to watch much TV. One summer he started watching Suite Life of Zack & Cody on Disney channel and I had to put it on the do-not-watch list when he started to repeat some of the things he heard those characters say.

Just a couple of other things to think about, knowing how they affect my son's behavior.

 

[RumpleMom]

It took my kindergarten DD 4 months to start grieving when grandma died. DD was holding it together to help me. When I started to feel better, she was able to start dealing with the loss. Then together, we mourned some more.

It could be a delayed reaction.

 

[scrappingizlife]

I think all the options given have been great, however, there are just kids that don't care. My son included. He just doesn't care. I have taken away his wrestling stuff, his tv, heck even the door to his bedroom is off the hinges because he was caught watching tv at 11 at night. He just doesn't care. He has lost his cell phone, and is in jeopordy of losing his Disney trip. Still doesn't care. He won't do his homework, I have been trying to get him to clean his room for the past 3 weeks. He just sits in there, no tv, no toys, nothing, just sits.

 

[tricia]

OP here,

I try to focus on the positives. In fact, for his second blue (last week) he chose no video games but he was allowed on the computer to do homework. He went above and beyond the assignment - instead of 2 quizes he did 5 without prompting. I rewarded his initiative by lifting the 3 day restriction 1 day early- parole for good behavior. But then he got a red conduct just the next week.

He had a good cry and we had a long talk. Hopefully something sunk in. I like the do something nice when disrepectful - good idea.

But this is not a positive response. It is just lessening a negative consequence.

My DS8 is having a bit of a hard time controlling his temper and frustration at school lately. We have worked out an awards system whereby he gets a sticker from the teacher on days she feels he dealt with things appropriately. If he gets 3, 4, or 5 stickers in one week there are rewards. He helped pick them, they are, a 10pm bedtime on Sat. night, a slushie from the corner store, and a trip to a favourite park. These are probably things that he usually gets on weekends anyway, but this way they are guaranteed if he behaves well.

We have done the taking away of electronics too, but that is mostly for incidents that don't happen as often, like resorting to violence (ie pushing or hitting another child out of anger)

 

[dizneechic]

This sounds like a lot of what were dealing with here as well.

We've had our successes and failures at dealing with issues, taking away privileges, electronics, losing play dates, missing out on his BF's bday party (we went for the last 10 mins to wish happy bday and drop off the gift), being grounded etc. Some things work, some don't, and it depends on other things if what worked for us once will work again.

Currently though my DS8 thinks he's earning a trip for the family to go to Disney. He's had some behavioral issues in school, so the teacher and I are in on the plan where she sends home notes every day he has a great day. My DS8 suggested that if he earns 37 notes (don't ask why 37 LOL!) if we could go back to Disney (not knowing I already had a trip planned) and I said sure - he had 45 days left of school at the time. He then asked if he could get all 45 if he could pick the 1st ride, so of course I said yes. So far it's working perfectly and he has had a 100% turn around in school behavior wise and is excited now to go to school and bring those notes home. The teacher is thankful for the turn around as well and gladly jots me a great job note each afternoon.

We also have some challenges at home, so I have all 3 of mine working on a "spending money" chart. I have it so they each have 3 daily tasks for the week to focus on, and they get .25 per day for doing what they need to and if they do it for all 7 days they get a bonus .25 for a total of 2.00 per task per week. For my boys it's no time outs (good behavior at home) as well as 2 simple tasks, and my dd has to clean up her own messes (she leaves a trail anywhere she goes) and not take 2 hours to eat dinner. So each kid can earn up to $6 per week of "spending money" for the trip to Disney my oldest is working on earning with the notes home from school. Our worst case payout it $100 per child on a gift card they can use while in the parks. They seem to be MUCH more receptive to rewards (and the fear of losing what they are trying to earn) than to taking away what they already have.

Good luck!

 

[rodeo65]

I have a 7-yr-old son in 2nd grade. I find that this time of the school year, he's getting "burned out." He's been at the grind for 8 months and is just DONE. My son has been complaining of stomach aches and other mystery ailments lately, and I think he just needs some time off. We had Spring Break just a few weeks ago, but spent most of it traveling, so it wasn't much down time.

Also, if your son is an avid reader like mine is, what is he reading? My son loves the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, but I have to remind him that he is not that character and I am not that mother and I do NOT tolerate being spoken to in that manner. Also, he is not allowed to watch much TV. One summer he started watching Suite Life of Zack & Cody on Disney channel and I had to put it on the do-not-watch list when he started to repeat some of the things he heard those characters say.

Just a couple of other things to think about, knowing how they affect my son's behavior.

We have exactly the same issue with DD7 and the shows she watches. ALL of her friends (according to her) are allowed to watch what I consider "tween" to teen shows - Wizards of Waverly, Suite Life, iCarly etc. I've watched them and there is so much disrespectful attitude to the parents (most are seen as morons by the kids) and even to their friends. Oh for the good old Dora days.

When she started watching them at the start of this school year, her attitude was brutal. We banned everything except Hannah Montana - and even that goes on "hiatus" if we have problems. Since then she is much more respectful, although the occassional "whatever" does slip in...she just gets a silent stare and usually apologizes.

We had a friend of DS8's over on the weekend and I was surprised by the number of times they all called each other idiot, but kind of endearingly, like a nickname. It was either idiot or "dude" - even to my DD. I had to keep correcting all of them on idiot.

I'm glad you mentioned that about the Wimpy series. I had looked at it at Costco but it talked about middle school so I put it down for a year or two. Thought about taking them to the movie, but just had a feeling I'd probably regret it. Glad to know my instincts were on target.

 

[roscoepc1]

As a parent experienced with grieving children, it can come out YEARS later....it's not something you "get over".

That said, I've also found, with all of my kids, that age 7 is h-e-double-toothpicks! I think the combination of rapid growth, harder schoolwork, and hormone changes (yes, they start that early!) makes them insane for about a year!

Hang in there, and from your first post, I'd say you're handling it well!

 

[JamesMom]

Thanks for all the responses! I knew this was a good place to come.

I now realize my mistakes. I need to continue the restriction for the set length of time regardless of his good behavior. I need to quit nagging! Say it once and shut up about it. (I tend to lecture a bit with the whys and wherefores) And I need to speak in terms of positives. Instead of - "you messed up so no TV", say, "because you had good behavior this entire week at school, you can watch TV".

This morning was a nightmare - lots of sass, stomping, etc, but he got on that school bus and I didn't smack him (though I wanted to, lol).

This afternoon he showed me his clear behavior chart without me asking (yes! on 2 counts).
He & his younger brother went to a neighbors to play (the moms knows about no electronics) and the boy starting picking on the younger brother. He stood up for his brother (how sweet!).
I said 'That's great that you helped your brother - that's what family is all about. I am proud of you." He didn't ask and I am not going to offer TV or anything as a reward - just the 'good job' compliment. The restriction stands.

Hopefully we'll have 4 more days like today and hubby & I can relax a bit. Yeah, right lol.

 

[badblackpug]

I also think that it is important to clearly define the rules and the consequences ahead of time. I know a lot of folks have had success with tokens. Such as starting out with a set amount of tokens in a jar and deducting tokens for infractions of the rules. The tokens earned can either be banked and saved to buy something big or "spent" on small things(think privileges, not goods)

Such as: The child receives a set amount of tokens or marbles or whatever daily. 1 token is good for 30 mins of TV/computer/video game (set the values for whatever is important to them, the more important the thing the higher the value) The child will lose 1 token for each smart a$$ remark/eyeroll/whine. The child will lose 1/2 of total tokens for each "blue" report and all tokens for each "red" report. or however you want to work it. That way at the end of the day or week the child has a clear understanding of that he has earned certain privileges.

When we had issues with my step daughter in school (she was older, 5th grade, so I don't know if this will work for you) we used a method suggested to us by a school counselor. It was a "daily report card."

It worked like this. In the daily report card we addressed the specific issues the child was having at school. The report card needed to be signed daily by the teacher. It was the child's responsibility to have it signed. Any unsigned report resulted in loss of all privileges for that day 2 or more unsigned cards resulted in loss of privileges for the weekend. By loss of privileges we meant that she spent the entire time, except for meals and bathroom in her room. Nothing to entertain her except books. It seems harsh, but it worked. We made lots of copies of the report and she kept it in her back pack it went something like this (remember you need to tailor to your specific issues)

Date:

Dear Mr./Ms. ________________

This is Child's daily report card. Please sign at the bottom only if ALL goals have been met. Comments are appreciated, but not necessary.

1) All of Child's work was neat, complete, and handed in on time.
2) Child was polite and respectful at all times
3) Child participated in classroom activities.
4) Child put forth her best effort in all she did.

Thank you,

Mr. and Mrs. Parent