My DH will never learn

[Ilovemylife]

I'm sorry but I think it's absolutely STUPID for people to be telling her she should just take them and be happy! How can she be happy about a gift they CANNOT afford that will cause them to not be able to pay bills?? Here's your roses, now next month we won't have electricity! Seriously people. When you are married you should know what your spouse likes. So yes, I would think my dh didn't know me even after all these years. After being told that many times to not buy something so expensive, and that she really wants a vacation, buying a $400 gift is not thoughtful.

Hopefully you can talk to your dh and explain to him point blank that while you appreciate that he buys you gifts, you don't appreciate that he never listens to what you'd really like. Offer to make a list of things you'd like him to get you if he wants to do more than just a dinner. Or at the very least, set a price limit. Hopefully he can stay within it. Otherwise you REALLY need to have a talk. It's absolutely not ok to go into financial ruins to get a gift you don't want, like or need!

From reading past posts of the OP, I really don't think they are hurting for money.

I don't think the OP really has anything to do with money. To me, it has to do with the fact that her DH got her a gift that she doesn't deem worthy.

You (OP) seem to have forgotten the adage "it's the thought that counts". Once the gifts stop altogether, will we be seeing another "vent" from you?

Regardless of whether I love the gifts DH gives me or not, I appreciate the time and effort that goes into them.

 

[Kit'smommy]

I can't believe the number of posts criticising the OP for being ungrateful.

Part of being a thoughtful giver is getting a gift that the recipient will enjoy. If the recipient is going to be stressed over the money spend on an item or if a spouse continues to gift things the other person doesn't want then they are not being particular thoughtful. Most people drop clues intentionally or unintentionally on what they would like. If you want to be a thoughtful giver, listen up...

I know I personally would be very unhappy with DH spending $400 out of "our" savings without some input from me whether I liked the gift or not, especially if I had already indicated that there are other things I would like to do or have.

 

[Darsa]

Indeed, I find it difficult to believe that, once reading the OP, thinking that she's ungrateful and bratty. That makes no sense; she's trying to stay on a budget and pay bills, and he buys gold roses? In this economy, in my opinion, a place that sells gold roses should have already gone out of business

I think, personally, that the way to address it is to express delight in a gift you might have actually wanted had money not been an issue, but lament the fact that finances won't cover it, and return it. I totally understand how it can hurt to have to return a gift, but you've got to think that it may possibly be hurting him too, depending on how you react to it.

I also believe that you and DH definitely should have more communication regarding the finances, especially what's upcoming, so that he'll have some idea as to what he can realistically afford.

I can't believe that some people would go digging into the OP's past posts to try to prove her wrong or make them feel better about themselves or some such thing. That's just sad.

 

[jnzimm]

I can't believe the number of posts criticising the OP for being ungrateful.

Part of being a thoughtful giver is getting a gift that the recipient will enjoy. If the recipient is going to be stressed over the money spend on an item or if a spouse continues to gift things the other person doesn't want then they are not being particular thoughtful. Most people drop clues intentionally or unintentionally on what they would like. If you want to be a thoughtful giver, listen up...

I know I personally would be very unhappy with DH spending $400 out of "our" savings without some input from me whether I liked the gift or not, especially if I had already indicated that there are other things I would like to do or have.

Like the previous poster said, money is not really the issue here, check some of her other posts, ie $1800 for 4 days @ Atlantis, Concierge service stay @ WDW, no mortgage payment and so on. I for one would never try to cancel the gift, what if it's for another relative. Stranger things have happened.

 

[DisneyMomJen]

From reading past posts of the OP, I really don't think they are hurting for money.

I don't think the OP really has anything to do with money. To me, it has to do with the fact that her DH got her a gift that she doesn't deem worthy.

You (OP) seem to have forgotten the adage "it's the thought that counts". Once the gifts stop altogether, will we be seeing another "vent" from you?

Regardless of whether I love the gifts DH gives me or not, I appreciate the time and effort that goes into them.

Why do I have to keep explaining my post to people who are critical? We have been fortunate enough and smart enough budget wise to try to be financially stable. Times are hard right now and maybe people in different parts of the country are not feeling it the way the NY area is.

Yes, this is a money issue and yes, it is also a thought issue. DH told me he did a search on google for anniversary gifts and this is what came up. Voila! Instant present within a few minutes and $409 later without even having to get off of the coach. So, this it was how much thought went into the present. This was ordered about an hour after he told me that we really have to think about what we are spending money on this Christmas. Like I said previously, he has done very well on some presents before and they were greatly appreciated. When he does things like this it is extremely hurtful. I really do not need a present for every event and have told him this.

 

[Kit'smommy]

Like the previous poster said, money is not really the issue here, check some of her other posts, ie $1800 for 4 days @ Atlantis, Concierge service stay @ WDW, no mortgage payment and so on. I for one would never try to cancel the gift, what if it's for another relative. Stranger things have happened.

I still have to side with the OP on this one.

DH and are are fairly well off because we have always been careful with our money and have really great jobs. Lately DH and I have discussed several medium term savings goals such as vacations, new carpeting and furniture as well as a few personal items that would interest us. I think if DH went out and purchased something completely random and spent a large amount of money knowing we had an interest in doing other things, I would also feel frustrated with him. We aren't talking about a single gold rose here (available at a local jeweler here for $49). A small implulsive gift is thoughtful. A large impulsive gift when you have other plans for your joint savings is not thoughtful in the least.

 

[DisneyMomJen]

For anyone who has been critical of whether this present is really a money issue or of my family's financial well being. Please read a book titled 'The Millionaire Next Door'. I found this to be an extremely educational book about how people are able to accumulate wealth. It is not by blowing money on 'things'. The millionaires in our country are not the people who shop at Neiman Marcus, but rather the ones who shop at Sears, since they know how to save money. Even if we had tons of money, I could not justify $409 roses. I would probably keep them, but would never enjoy them knowing that deep down this was a waste of money and a gift that was just to give a gift.

 

[dismom24]

Just a slighty different spin on this. Things change and someday these may be worth more to you then you can imagine. My dear nephew used to give me gold jewelry when i was a teenager (charms and such). He was only about 10 years younger than me. Now that he is gone, these are some of my most precious possesions - I won't even wear them for fear of losing them. I know it is hard to justify, but maybe some day you will look at those and think how much you love them. All in all you are the only one who can decidewhat is right for your family and whether to keep them or not. Whichever you decide I hope you have a wonderful anniversary - a wonderful event to celebrate however you decide.

 

[hinodis]

Why do I have to keep explaining my post to people who are critical? We have been fortunate enough and smart enough budget wise to try to be financially stable. Times are hard right now and maybe people in different parts of the country are not feeling it the way the NY area is.

Yes, this is a money issue and yes, it is also a thought issue. DH told me he did a search on google for anniversary gifts and this is what came up. Voila! Instant present within a few minutes and $409 later without even having to get off of the coach. So, this it was how much thought went into the present. This was ordered about an hour after he told me that we really have to think about what we are spending money on this Christmas. Like I said previously, he has done very well on some presents before and they were greatly appreciated. When he does things like this it is extremely hurtful. I really do not need a present for every event and have told him this.

I just googled anniversary gift and gold roses did not pop up. Then i googled anniversary gift gold roses $409.00 and it still did not. I was just curious too see what they looked like. The ones I saw were very nice.

 

[CarolA]

Like the previous poster said, money is not really the issue here, check some of her other posts, ie $1800 for 4 days @ Atlantis, Concierge service stay @ WDW, no mortgage payment and so on. I for one would never try to cancel the gift, what if it's for another relative. Stranger things have happened.

Well some posters on this thread think that this gift has them at the door of doom... They won't be able to feed the kids this week.

To the OP. First you try to "whine" about how tight money is and then "whine" when folks point out that your own posts kind of indicate it might not be that bad.

This is a risk of posting your whining on a public message board. What you wanted was everyone to tell you "DH is BAD and you are WONDERFUL" and then when that didn't happen you aren't happy with us. If you want only adoration and agreement don't post here LOL! YOu wanted a "bash my DH" thread because I am doing everything right. There are two sides to any story.... wonder what DH says?

 

[tink2dw]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHE is a CONTROL FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is the Only One worthy of spending any money and Only on her per determination of Cheap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is a Money Grubber.

 

[bluesaturn]

Well some posters on this thread think that this gift has them at the door of doom... They won't be able to feed the kids this week.

To the OP. First you try to "whine" about how tight money is and then "whine" when folks point out that your own posts kind of indicate it might not be that bad.

This is a risk of posting your whining on a public message board. What you wanted was everyone to tell you "DH is BAD and you are WONDERFUL" and then when that didn't happen you aren't happy with us. If you want only adoration and agreement don't post here LOL! YOu wanted a "bash my DH" thread because I am doing everything right. There are two sides to any story.... wonder what DH says?

Yes. Thank you so very much for saying that.

 

[SleepyatDVC]

The posts that I have put up about buying furniture were to people asking for advice about buying inexpensive furniture. I posted that I have bought my Ethan Allen furniture off of Ebay for about 75 - 80% off of the retail price. I also posted about the Pottery Barn Outlet, driving 2 1/2 hours each way and having my 60 year old mom and I on my minivan roof to tie furniture on top. Funny and crazy, but this was to save ALOT of money on things that were needed. We have not bought any furniture in at least 3 years. Yes, we have been fortunate to travel over the past few years. This is largely in part due to our purchase of DVC which we were able to buy from my Ebaying. We are in a recession right now and my family has been feeling the effect of this for most of the year. We really cannot afford $400 for gold roses and the money to pay for these will have to come out of our savings.

I really appreciate everyones feedback and will let you know how things go.

I still have to side with the OP on this one.

DH and are are fairly well off because we have always been careful with our money and have really great jobs. Lately DH and I have discussed several medium term savings goals such as vacations, new carpeting and furniture as well as a few personal items that would interest us. I think if DH went out and purchased something completely random and spent a large amount of money knowing we had an interest in doing other things, I would also feel frustrated with him. We aren't talking about a single gold rose here (available at a local jeweler here for $49). A small implulsive gift is thoughtful. A large impulsive gift when you have other plans for your joint savings is not thoughtful in the least.

I agree that $409 is a LOT of money. Especially for something that will collect dust. I personally would be peeved also. DH has learned to get me "useful" stuff I want or nothing all.

Fortunately, we are doing WELL financially right now and the recession has not affected us...yet. And I still cringe at $409 gold roses. You know what would make it WORST (besides that Montel moment others were having)? If they were REAL roses dipped in gold. Dead and disposal in a week or so.

For someone who can blow that money without dipping into savings (too much), I can think of soooooo much better uses for that money. New quality pots and pans, new camera, TV, laptop (small), a Dyson (that I could never justify the cost to buy), 2 plane tickets, etc., etc... you get the picture...

OP, I can understand your need to vent. I have a feeling you will wind up keeping the roses. But hopefully this purchase will spur a serious discussion with him about this whole gift giving thing. Sounds like he wants to surprise you - so give him a budget of $50-$150 (an amount you BOTH agree on - I would put it in writing - lol) and let him run with it each year.

If he actually LEARNS and modify his gift giving in the future, $409 was money well spent.

The Best of Luck and a Happy Thanksgiving.

 

[mom2cinderella]

it almost seems like the gifts satisfy his needs more than yours.....

That's what I was thinking.

OP I don't think you are at ALL whiny or ungrateful or looking to have us tell you your dh sucks.


Michele

 

[mjkacmom]

Well some posters on this thread think that this gift has them at the door of doom... They won't be able to feed the kids this week.

To the OP. First you try to "whine" about how tight money is and then "whine" when folks point out that your own posts kind of indicate it might not be that bad.

This is a risk of posting your whining on a public message board. What you wanted was everyone to tell you "DH is BAD and you are WONDERFUL" and then when that didn't happen you aren't happy with us. If you want only adoration and agreement don't post here LOL! YOu wanted a "bash my DH" thread because I am doing everything right. There are two sides to any story.... wonder what DH says?

I don't think she bashed her DH, I think she came here to vent, and a lot of people supported her in this thread. Of course there are 2 sides to every story - if a friend came to you to vent about something, would you tell her to stop whining until you heard the other side?

 

[DSNY4ever]

Hmm it looks like this thread has gotten a little nasty, but I just wanted to give support and to agree with the idea to have a "talk" about money, your budget and what kinds of gifts you like. I always set a budget for my husband and I know he doesn't like it because he says how am I ever supposed to surprise you with something really great? But right now we can't afford a huge surprise. And yikes I would never want our money to go to waste on something that I didn't like and was never going to use or wear. It is hard, but lists and budgets help us get by...and for now our only surprises are little. Breakfast in bed is a treat or coming home to a clean house that DH has done all by himself...those things make me happy!

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I am sorry you don't like any of the gift that your DH has bought you. But honestly, it sounds like he is trying to please you. Have you considered how the constant rejection of his gifts must make him feel about himself and about you? Yes, they may not be what you would buy but he is making an effort. I know there are many people on these boards who would be thrilled if the person on their life got them anything at all.

Please cut him a little slack and look at the action and not the gift itself.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

OP - I read DH your original post and asked him his thoughts. He said that basically you and your DH need to have a long talk about many things - budgets, finances, gifts, etc...

Also, guys are in no way psychic so you pretty much have to spell out what you are trying to tell them as clearly as possible. Don't hint or beat around the bush - BE DIRECT AND BLUNT. Obviously sugar coating the issues or avoiding the issues haven't worked so you need to go the direct route.

Good luck.

 

[sk!mom]

Sometimes men do not understand this aspect of the finances esp. if they are not in charge of bills,etc.

Seriously how do people have a healthy adult relationship with someone about whom you would make a comment like this.

Some posters on this thread seem super controlling and I would honestly hate to try to buy you a gift. Some of you really sound as though you treat your spouses like children.

To the OP- It seems that a long talk about finances and gift giving is way overdue. Maybe you guys could agree on gift giving budget and then you could graciously accept his gifts.

 

[sk!mom]

My dh & I also have seperate accounts.

Op,
I think communications is the break down here. You say money is tight, are you the one who does the household budgeting? Does your dh know how tight things are? some times the spouse who doesn't track the cash really doesn't know.
have you guys tried different alternatives to gift giving if it really upsets you. My dh & I don't really exchange gifts. we have all the "junk" we need so we'd much rather travel or have a "date". For our anniversary we did a NYC theater trip. No gifts but a wonderful, romantic day &1/2.

Basically you guys simply need to talk!

Great post- ITA- My DH and I have joint accounts but we rarely buy gifts anymore as we tend to just buy the things we want or need. We enjoy choosing something together or even better commemorating an occasion with a trip.