My DH will never learn

[JimB.]

I guess I am the only one that thinks you are acting like an ungrateful spoiled brat

No. Not really.

The OP sounds like she is treating her husband as the junior partner in the marriage.

 

[CarolA]

I'm sorry but I think it's absolutely STUPID for people to be telling her she should just take them and be happy! How can she be happy about a gift they CANNOT afford that will cause them to not be able to pay bills?? Here's your roses, now next month we won't have electricity! Seriously people. When you are married you should know what your spouse likes. So yes, I would think my dh didn't know me even after all these years. After being told that many times to not buy something so expensive, and that she really wants a vacation, buying a $400 gift is not thoughtful.

Hopefully you can talk to your dh and explain to him point blank that while you appreciate that he buys you gifts, you don't appreciate that he never listens to what you'd really like. Offer to make a list of things you'd like him to get you if he wants to do more than just a dinner. Or at the very least, set a price limit. Hopefully he can stay within it. Otherwise you REALLY need to have a talk. It's absolutely not ok to go into financial ruins to get a gift you don't want, like or need!

WOW!

You went from "money is tight" to we can't pay the bills based on her post. What mind reading skills. You also have sent them into finanical ruin off of ONE purchase. And with the tone of this post "Talking" sounds like a skill we don't have "lecturing" is going strong however! It's not discussion if you "explain point blank" it's MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!

THE SKY IS FALLING RUN!!!!!!

 

[CruiseBoundnKY]

It could be worse. Did the thought ever occur to anyone that they may not even be for her?

Sorry. I watch too much Montel

I thought this thread could use some humor.

 

[DisneyNic]

I'm sorry, but I also feel as though you are being a little ungrateful and hurtful. Have you ever explained the reasons you have returned items in the past?? The necklace I can understand, but the coat was probably just hurtful for your DH. Especially with your DD's nickname for it. I'm assuming (hoping) that she came up with it herself, but I would make sure to correct my DD saying something to the effect of "it was very nice of your daddy to get me that coat, but I had to return it because it didn't fit properly" or something. I don't know, but I can just imagine how your DH must feel hearing his child talk about one of his gifts that way. My DH once bought me a pair of PJs for Christmas. They were 2 sizes too big, the shirt was long sleeved and hung to my knees, the crotch hung well below my knees, not exactly the kind of nightie you want your DH to picture you wearing. I wasn't exactly jumping for joy when I opened them, but I never would have let my DH know that. I told him I loved them and thanked him and I still wear them every now and then. I realize those PJs are not $400 roses or a fur coat, but to me it is the same principle. Sorry, JMHO.

 

[shortbun]

My Dad always bought my Mom expensive, ugly jewelry. She had it melted down and remade into things she liked. He paid that bill too. One year for Christmas, he got her five red dresses, lol! We can still get giddy over that one at family gatherings.

 

[emh1129]

It could be worse. Did the thought ever occur to anyone that they may not even be for her?

Sorry. I watch too much Montel

I thought this thread could use some humor.

oohhh.. interesting twist. (yeah, you need to lay off the montel and jerry springer )

 

[angeleigh]

It could be worse. Did the thought ever occur to anyone that they may not even be for her?

Sorry. I watch too much Montel

I thought this thread could use some humor.

I must watch too much Montel too.

 

[DisneyNic]

It could be worse. Did the thought ever occur to anyone that they may not even be for her?

Sorry. I watch too much Montel

I thought this thread could use some humor.

LOL.....I actually had that thought, but was afraid of the reactions that post might bring

 

[bluesaturn]

I'm sorry but I think it's absolutely STUPID for people to be telling her she should just take them and be happy! How can she be happy about a gift they CANNOT afford that will cause them to not be able to pay bills?? Here's your roses, now next month we won't have electricity! Seriously people. When you are married you should know what your spouse likes. So yes, I would think my dh didn't know me even after all these years. After being told that many times to not buy something so expensive, and that she really wants a vacation, buying a $400 gift is not thoughtful.

Hopefully you can talk to your dh and explain to him point blank that while you appreciate that he buys you gifts, you don't appreciate that he never listens to what you'd really like. Offer to make a list of things you'd like him to get you if he wants to do more than just a dinner. Or at the very least, set a price limit. Hopefully he can stay within it. Otherwise you REALLY need to have a talk. It's absolutely not ok to go into financial ruins to get a gift you don't want, like or need!

The OP never said she couldn't pay the bills, or anything close to that. It sounds like she is budgeting for another trip, not to make ends meet. Nothing wrong with saving for vacation, but it's no the same as paying for electricity. Also, like I said, it's quite possible her husband doesn't prioritize vacations the way she does, and therefore would rather spend money on something else.

It would be cool to see some men respond to this thread. I wonder what stuff the men can't stand getting year after year.

 

[dopeyfanatic]

I'm not saying this one purchase will make them unable to pay bills. I'm saying in general, because she also mentioned that last year he purchased a $1500 necklace that they could not afford. It's possible that him running off to purchase some expensive fancy gift for her (that she doesn't want) could make them unable to pay bills. I also find it ridiculous that he would spend so much money when he says they need to watch things because of the economy. No, he may not want a vacation. But if he's going to spend tons of money on a gift why not let it be something she wants? And if they really can't afford it, why do it? I don't find it to be ungrateful that she's upset that she has to deal with constantly returning gifts they can't afford (remember it's been their whole marriage). I'm sure he knows they always get returned. Why would he keep doing it? I'd be less interested in how other men respond, but more how her dh actually responds.

For a man's view, my dh thinks it's crazy, and he thinks that he's not really putting much thought into it. Just trying to get something that looks impressive without thinking about whether or not she wants it, yet alone if they can afford it.

 

[denisenh]

Our Anniversary is in 2 weeks. At least 75% of the time my DH will get me a gift that I have to return. An example: last year he bought a $1500 diamond necklace from Lord & Taylor. We did not have the extra money for this, so I had to return it. It hurts that he would buy something that we cannot afford and I am the one who has to return it. The year before he bought me a coat that looked like a dead squirrel, again it had to be returned. DD6 still says to me "Remember when Daddy bought you the rat coat". This has been going on for years - 17 years. I do not want to seem ungrateful or bratty, but I am very budget minded and do so much to try to save money. Well, today I look online at our Disney Visa statement (which I usually do a few times a week) and I see a charge for $409 from an internet company that sells gold roses. I call the company to cancel the order and they tell me it is already shipped. I ask what it is and can it be returned. The man says he will call me back which he never does. I call again and he says that I will love what DH got me, that he is not a marriage counselor and there will be a 20% restocking fee. So, $100 wasted after shipping costs. I cried. NEVER would I want this, I feel that DH does not even know me. Money is so tight right now and this $100 could have been used on so many other things. DH keeps telling me that we cannot afford to go on vacation next year, but then does something like this. I guess I just need to vent.

you don't sound bratty or unreasonable even. it almost seems like the gifts satisfy his needs more than yours.....to live beyond his means and at the expense of your feelings and the needs of the family.
he gets the "glory" and you get the "defeat". wow, nice.
it is hard to live with a spouse who lives in a fantasy world of his own design.

 

[SplshMtn99]

I'm sorry but I think it's absolutely STUPID for people to be telling her she should just take them and be happy! How can she be happy about a gift they CANNOT afford that will cause them to not be able to pay bills?? Here's your roses, now next month we won't have electricity! Seriously people. When you are married you should know what your spouse likes. So yes, I would think my dh didn't know me even after all these years. After being told that many times to not buy something so expensive, and that she really wants a vacation, buying a $400 gift is not thoughtful.

Hopefully you can talk to your dh and explain to him point blank that while you appreciate that he buys you gifts, you don't appreciate that he never listens to what you'd really like. Offer to make a list of things you'd like him to get you if he wants to do more than just a dinner. Or at the very least, set a price limit. Hopefully he can stay within it. Otherwise you REALLY need to have a talk. It's absolutely not ok to go into financial ruins to get a gift you don't want, like or need!

I don't know where you are getting the idea they can't pay the bills. ???? They've been doing a nice bit of traveling & buying new furniture from past posts.

OP, like I said in an earlier post, make the recent past trips your presents to each other & tell him to skip any other presents if you are worried about money. If its really NOT the money, and more that you just don't like the gift, then you need to give him gift ideas if he can't figure out your taste or style enough to suit you.

 

[Jaycey'smom]

OP...I understand!! I shop for things on sale and get great deals!! It might take a little longer but in the end I have more to save..or spend if we choose. One year DH thought he would "shop" for me without my input!! He got me a pair of nike's for about $150. I told him to take them back!! not that I was ungrateful but i knew i would not wear the shoes and If i would wear them I could get them for AT LEAST 1/2 the price!!. Since then he asks me what I want and then tells my mom what i want and gives her the $$. We are both happy I get what I want at the price I would pay and he gets it for me without me knowing! I might add he does get my Purfume and lotions himself....but I also tell him which ones I want and what the deals are!! The one that he always gets me is Ralph and he does ask my mom where to get it!! This year I want a purse from Littleearth...so I emailed him the link and I will be happy with any of them that he gets!!

 

[djbleach]

This is one of the Main reason my wife and I do "seperate" accounts. And we both have bills, so we can spend money on what we want to spend on.
I see both sides of this issue and respect the OP position. Like others have said, imagine how he must feel?
I'm more like the OP, in the fact that it's Almost impossible to get me a gift that I really like. I have taken back so many gifts that people just expect it.
Since you are the one who is "in charge" of the money, I wonder this.
How much money over the year do you think you "blow?". Starbucks coffee, the lottery, eating out, entertainment? Maybe none, or maybe more than $400 worth.
Your husband is really trying!
I lost both parents in the last two years. The things they gave me that I didn't return along with the wonderful memories are all I have left.
So what I'm trying to say is this. If your husband dies and you have these beautiful (i'm hoping, lol) gold roses, I'm sure they will put a smile on your face. Again, you are in charge of the money, I'm not sure if you work, but this is probably one of the only times that he really gets to buy you nice gifts.
Maybe you don't think you are worth the money? Maybe you might want to consider going seperate accounts and taking seperate bills so you both can spend more freely? I know alot of guys who do it like you and are miserable. They have to explain $20 they spent, while their wife is playing the lottery, getting her nails, toes, hair done. eating out every lunch, riding the roads, cell phone, cable tv....on and on.....
Like I said, I am like you about the gift exchange. I would always think about what the money could have bought besides the gift. The older I get, I just accept the gift and go about my business. If I don't like it, it just sits around. One day it might mean alot more to you than you'd ever know. Like when he's gone.

 

[eliza61]

This is one of the Main reason my wife and I do "seperate" accounts. And we both have bills, so we can spend money on what we want to spend on.
I see both sides of this issue and respect the OP position. Like others have said, imagine how he must feel?
I'm more like the OP, in the fact that it's Almost impossible to get me a gift that I really like. I have taken back so many gifts that people just expect it.
Since you are the one who is "in charge" of the money, I wonder this.
How much money over the year do you think you "blow?". Starbucks coffee, the lottery, eating out, entertainment? Maybe none, or maybe more than $400 worth.
Your husband is really trying!
.

My dh & I also have seperate accounts.

Op,
I think communications is the break down here. You say money is tight, are you the one who does the household budgeting? Does your dh know how tight things are? some times the spouse who doesn't track the cash really doesn't know.
have you guys tried different alternatives to gift giving if it really upsets you. My dh & I don't really exchange gifts. we have all the "junk" we need so we'd much rather travel or have a "date". For our anniversary we did a NYC theater trip. No gifts but a wonderful, romantic day &1/2.

Basically you guys simply need to talk!

 

[torinsmom]

Have any of you every read "The Five Love Languages"? It's a book about how different people like to give and receive love differently. It sounds like the OP's DH equates buying expensive gifts with love, while OP feels loved for different reasons. I know for a fact that my love language of giving is giving gifts, but my love language of receiving is words of affirmation. That might be a good book for them to read together to open the conversation. Here's a link to the webpage for the book http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

OP, if it won't totally mess up your finances, I would receive this gift as gracefully as possible. Maybe you could buy this book for DH for Christmas and you could read it together and then discuss what makes you feel most loved and vice versa. Then next year, make sure you reinforce that before gift giving season begins "Honey, remember when we talked about our love languages? I am not special about receiving extravagant gifts, but I really appreciate it when you --pitch in to help me more at home--(or whatever makes you feel special)." If he wants to spend money, you could give him suggestions. Maybe he could pay for an afternoon at the dayspa for you, while he takes care of the household chores you would normally do. Or maybe he would commit to getting off a few hours early one Friday a month so you could spend special time together.

I am a gift giver. When my DS goes to his dad's, he knows he will come home to something. It might be small, like a few packs of his favorite candy, but it just reminds him that I was thinking about him. DS likes to recieves gifts but also like words of affirmation, so I try to always remind him how great a person he is becoming. He doesn't "get" that I enjoy being appreciated as well, but he IS 14, LOL.

Marsha

 

[TnTWalter]

Hey. I would suggest you guys get on the same page financially.

The Total Money Makeover is a marriage-saver!!

They're on sale for $10 right now in book and CD form. Perhaps buy it both ways and commit to working on it together.

Best of luck.

www.daveramsey.com

Trish

 

[dismom24]

M Dh is a very generous gift giver too. I am super frugal. I have learned that he loves to give and accepted that for what it is. Years ago, he would bring me fresh flowers every week, one day I lost it and finally told him that I did not like fresh flowers (something else I need to take care of, they die quick, etc). It really hurt his feelings, slthough now we joke about it - he still brings them occasionally and just tells me to get over it. I do now appreciate his gifts more (i wouldn't tell him, but I actually look forward to them) and I try to not worry about the costs - he works hard and if he goes a little over budget for me, I feel I should be grateful.. He is also very generous with the kids and always says " ths is from mom and me", even if I don't know a thing about it.

 

[gillenkl]

It sounds like his heart is in the right place - he wants to do something nice for you, but maybe just doesn't go about it the right way. Let me tell you the first year I was married my DH got me a cooking pan - wrapped in the exact shape of a pan - no box, just a pan. I couldn't believe he would buy me a pan for our first christmas and we'd only been married a week. I wanted something special and memorable. Memorable it was and we still laugh about it to this day, fifteen years later! Now we each get $50 for our anniversary to spend as we wish on ourself. We don't usually exchange for christmas because there's nothing we really "need" - but again, we'd just each get a certain amount to spend on ourself.

Maybe you could just talk to your DH and tell him you appreciate the thought, but there are some other things you'd really like. Give him a list to help him out.

Sounds like you just need a heart-to-heart talk.

 

[DisneyMomJen]

I don't know where you are getting the idea they can't pay the bills. ???? They've been doing a nice bit of traveling & buying new furniture from past posts.

The posts that I have put up about buying furniture were to people asking for advice about buying inexpensive furniture. I posted that I have bought my Ethan Allen furniture off of Ebay for about 75 - 80% off of the retail price. I also posted about the Pottery Barn Outlet, driving 2 1/2 hours each way and having my 60 year old mom and I on my minivan roof to tie furniture on top. Funny and crazy, but this was to save ALOT of money on things that were needed. We have not bought any furniture in at least 3 years. Yes, we have been fortunate to travel over the past few years. This is largely in part due to our purchase of DVC which we were able to buy from my Ebaying. We are in a recession right now and my family has been feeling the effect of this for most of the year. We really cannot afford $400 for gold roses and the money to pay for these will have to come out of our savings.

I really appreciate everyones feedback and will let you know how things go.