My DH will never learn

[DisneyMomJen]

Our Anniversary is in 2 weeks. At least 75% of the time my DH will get me a gift that I have to return. An example: last year he bought a $1500 diamond necklace from Lord & Taylor. We did not have the extra money for this, so I had to return it. It hurts that he would buy something that we cannot afford and I am the one who has to return it. The year before he bought me a coat that looked like a dead squirrel, again it had to be returned. DD6 still says to me "Remember when Daddy bought you the rat coat". This has been going on for years - 17 years. I do not want to seem ungrateful or bratty, but I am very budget minded and do so much to try to save money. Well, today I look online at our Disney Visa statement (which I usually do a few times a week) and I see a charge for $409 from an internet company that sells gold roses. I call the company to cancel the order and they tell me it is already shipped. I ask what it is and can it be returned. The man says he will call me back which he never does. I call again and he says that I will love what DH got me, that he is not a marriage counselor and there will be a 20% restocking fee. So, $100 wasted after shipping costs. I cried. NEVER would I want this, I feel that DH does not even know me. Money is so tight right now and this $100 could have been used on so many other things. DH keeps telling me that we cannot afford to go on vacation next year, but then does something like this. I guess I just need to vent.

 

[CarolA]

And somewhere her DH is posting.

"No matter what I do my DH hates it. I try very hard to find her things and she just gets mad at me"

I think that perhaps a LONG talk is in order. And maybe a list? With something besides practical gifts. He wants to get you something "special" I kind of feel sorry for your DH. He's trying. You aren't getting the can opener or "fishing gear" LOL!

As for the tight money... once again it sounds like we aren't on the same page here.


What do you get him? Maybe he's trying to make a point?

 

[burberryplaid]

I'm so sorry about this.

I think you guys need to have a serious talk. Maybe you need to make a deal that instead of gifts, you go out to dinner instead. If you want to buy gifts for each other, provide lists. You guys need to come to some understanding.

I know it sounds impersonal to make lists, but DH and I have done this since before we were married. If I see something on my list that I want and it's on sale, I tell him "X is on sale at Y"

I hope you guys can figure it out.

 

[MermaidsMom]

Surprise him with a BIG Disney vacation!! Then you will make your point and go to WDW.

 

[here757]

my ex husband used to do this all the time...
thats not the reason hes the ex. but he never learned.
hes had a forclouser. 2 repos.. and still does it for his current wife

have u tried to make an agreement with him. say something like .
although i am greatful for the gifts. but i would rather spend the money on the electric bill?

 

[Resseda]

DisneyMomJen, I feel your pain. I really do. I am in charge of the money at our house because my DH is one who, given $40, will find a way to spend $50. Last year, I made the mistake of telling him to buy my gift (and I stressed, only my gift, I had our son and his mom taken care of), and I hounded him for the next two weeks for the rest of the paycheck. Well, he blew thorough his entire paycheck, plus part of our son's SS check and it took me well into the Spring to get our finances back on track. It sounds awful, but I was furious to walk out Christmas morning and find tons more gifts than I had left under the tree the night before.

Try to talk about it, but there's no garuntee he will understand-mine certainly doesn't.

Ress

 

[RobinFabulous]

Do you do the bills yourself? IMHO you need for him to understand what your financial situation really is. He needs to understand X amount comes into this home and Y amount leaves giving you D to work with. If you're barely scraping by then even though it was a very thoughtful gift, it just causes more stress.


So...... a few weeks BEFORE gift giving holidays, sit him down and say Listen I love that you want to buy special things for me, but it would be MORE special to me for that money to go into a fund for XYZ(vacation, special dinner & sitter) or for us to finally pay this credit card bill off or whatnot.

He's not taking your money to gamble or whatever, he seems to love you, but is clueless to your real situation

 

[richmond282]

Maybe you guys could set a price limit (and be reasonable. It sounds like he wants to buy something nice for you.) That way your DH could choose something on his own, but know that he is buying something you won't have to return.
I also concur that a long talk is in order.

 

[Disneyluvr]

I feel your pain. Every year my DH buys me a Dooney&Burke purse/wallet/clutch something D&B. I DO NOT like D&B! I have told him this many times, but he likes them and thinks I need to have one, so he continues to buy them!

 

[Doesney]

I guess I am the only one that thinks you are acting like an ungrateful spoiled brat As far as I can see, the man will never get right by you. If he didn't buy you a gift, I can see another thread. Same old stuff, different moaning. Of course, as always this is just my humble opinion

 

[pigletto]

I guess I am the only one that thinks you are acting like an ungrateful spoiled brat As far as I can see, the man will never get right by you. If he didn't buy you a gift, I can see another thread. Same old stuff, different moaning. Of course, as always this is just my humble opinion

I hardly see how it is ungrateful and spoiled for someone to explain time and time again that they don't want a big expensive gift and would rather use the money towards things for the whole family

Like someone else pointed out.. there could be an alternate post somewhere about dh never buying anything and how hurtful that is.
But both are the exact same issue. They boil down to not feeling heard. And that IS frustrating. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be frustrated after saying something over and over and never feeling heard by their spouse.

 

[SplshMtn99]

I sort of agree with doesny. Cut the guy some slack, at least he's buying you gifts. And do they always HAVE to be returned?

Yes, talk to your DH. Perhaps let him know what you might like.

Have you taken any trips lately or any large purchases? DH & I always consider those types of items our large anniversary present. Perhaps you could do that if money is tight.

 

[SaveTheSeaTurtles]

I know exactly how you feel. My husband is the same way and although he has gotten better, he still has relapses (which I try to forgive him for).

I finally had to sit down and talk to him about how those expensive gifts make me FEEL when 1. we cannot afford it or 2. we should be spending the money elsewhere. I asked him to think about how he feels when I return the gifts (which made him feel hurt).

Sometimes men do not understand this aspect of the finances esp. if they are not in charge of bills,etc. Honestly, at least in my case (and maybe in yours?) - he does not know what to get you and all of these ads for expensive items make him feel that he NEEDS to buy you something expensive in order to tell you how much he loves you. Please try to talk to him....you might be surprised by his response if it is done kindly and with love.

For the poster who said that you were acting like a spoiled brat - that is ridiculous...he / she obviously either does not need to budget or is not financially strapped like so many people in this economy.

For us, we have a simple rule of no more flowers unless he gets them at Publix - the large flower delivery services and flower shops charge far too much (in my opinion). I now give him hints of things that I really do want - maybe a break from the housework, a coupon for a massage from him, a special meal (doesn't even need to be from a restaurant..maybe it is one where he does all the cooking and clean-up).

Anway, I digress...Have Faith and sit down to talk together. I am certain he loves you - always keep that in mind and your anger at him will dissolve. He will get the message eventually (even if you do need to continue to remind him as occasions are coming up).

Good luck...

 

[mjkacmom]

I hardly see how it is ungrateful and spoiled for someone to explain time and time again that they don't want a big expensive gift and would rather use the money towards things for the whole family
Like someone else pointed out.. there could be an alternate post somewhere about dh never buying anything and how hurtful that is.
But both are the exact same issue. They boil down to not feeling heard. And that IS frustrating. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be frustrated after saying something over and over and never feeling heard by their spouse.

I agree - when you are married, the money in the bank is owned by both partners. She doesn't want money spent on an expensive gift for herself, she has told her DH this, and yet he continues. Either he has a lousy memory, or he's not a good listener. You give gifts you think the recipient would like - if the recipient has said, in the past, that expensive gifts aren't what she wants, and the gift giving continues in the same manner, it's insulting to the recipient.

OP, talk to your DH, give him a list, give him a price limit, and try to get him to understand that spending a lot of money on gifts makes you uncomfortable.

 

[DisneyMomJen]

I guess I am the only one that thinks you are acting like an ungrateful spoiled brat As far as I can see, the man will never get right by you. If he didn't buy you a gift, I can see another thread. Same old stuff, different moaning. Of course, as always this is just my humble opinion

Thanks. I do not expect a gift and would not complain if there was not one. At this point I would rather have memories than 'things'. I honestly would rather go to dinner or have the money put aside to save towards a vacation which I have told him a number of times prior to this. I do the bills, but DH is aware money is tight right now. He is the one telling me that we cannot plan any vacations for next year due to the economy and not knowing what his job situation will be in the future. I do whatever I can to save money by using coupons, cvsing, ebaying, making dinner all of the time so we do not have to do takeout, etc. DH will do whatever is easiest and pay whatever for convenience. This situation just really hurts since I feel that this gift is NOT me at all, was a matter of conveninece for him and a $100 mistake. That $100 could be used on MANY other things right now. So, I have to get over this, talk to DH and stress that we really DO NOT need to do presents.

 

[zumbergc]

I give Dh a list. he sticks with the list. He knows to stick to the list, and when i'm buying for my nephews, sometimes i see something cool, and i get your going off list, warning warning!!

list works great. You know simple flowers at the local store, or a nice dessert treat, or dinner are nice things to get, you don't have to spend lots of $$ to feel loved.

I don't think you are being spoiled to look out for your family in returning those expensive gifts.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Dh and I also do lists. We also have a deal that we will remind each other of any birthdays, anniversaries, etc. that the other may forget.

I watched my mother make a huge dramatic deal every year over what my dad got her for birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas (or what he didn't get her). In her case I think it was just an excuse to promote conflict and hurt feelings. I'm sorry, complaining that a gift is "just not me" and "a matter of convenience" is like saying that if your husband really loved you, he'd know what to get you. That's just plain not true.

Sit him down, tell him you'll make him gift lists for every occasion and that it would be great if he would do that for you, too. Tell him you want him to stick to buying from the lists and stick to a particular budget (DH and I have a limit of $150 for birthday gifts--for anniversaries we usually go on a weekend trip or eat out; just saying that to give you an example). Leave your feelings out of the discussion.

DH and I had VERY frank talks about these issues back when we were really broke. I agree with you--I certainly don't want a expensive gift that I don't even like, especially when I know we can't afford it!

 

[tink2dw]

He out Smarted you this year!! He bought you something YOU can't return without incurring more expense.

Shut-up take it, be grateful!!! Let him have this one!

Then in February sit down and talk about buying gifts from a list you give him and a list he gives you. After the list giving. Sit down again and talk about the gift and what they mean to each of you.

You want the Rain coat because you need and want to stay dry
1. so you don't want to get sick,
A. costing money to see the Dr.
B. the buying medicine
C. It is cheaper to stay heathy ie the Rain Coat.

 

[java]

Once I had to intercept a HORSE!!! that he was trying to surprise me with. Um no thanks do you know how much it costs to maintain a horse! While I appreciate his attempt I told him very sweetly that he was all I needed. Not a horse.

Now I am very very clear with my appreciation when he gets it right though. Like the year I asked for and received a particular book. I really wanted it. And he listened. THAT was more important to me than anything more expensive.

I say enjoy whatever it is. Think of it as his way of trying to tell you what you mean to him. Next holiday TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT! He's not a mind reader and is trying to be romantic. It's too late this time- but next time talk. Imagine the pressure if you and dd are making fun of his gifts(the rat coat)

 

[emh1129]

Oh boy do I understand where you are coming from. And you have every right to feel that way! It's so sad (and annoying) to think that your DH doesn't know you well enough to know that you won't appreciate those sorts of things.
I remember one year in particular where we were SO tight for money. I mean, to the point where I was having to choose which bills to pay. And DH surprised me with a $100 flower delivery. I cried, and those weren't happy tears. I was livid.
I had explained to him before but had to tell him once again, I don't appreciate those sorts of things. Maybe someday when we are rolling in the money, sure.. but I really prefer one or two beautiful flowers, picked out by him, to a big fancy floral delivery. A gift like that really just adds more stress..
My DH got off the hook that year because the floral company delivered the wrong product and delivered it on the wrong day, so they comped it and were very apologetic (but I sure didn't mind!) but.. it was sad to think that he didn't know me well enough to know that wouldn't be appreciated.
The following year, he surpised me with an awesome IOU booklet of things like massages, car cleanings (I hate cleaning my car out, lol), homecooked meals on him, etc. It was so thoughtful and I enjoyed every one- plus it was FREE