My Dh Is Po'ed!!

[ExPirateShopGirl]

Let's remember that financial support and emotional support are two different things. While one is helpful, the other is really crucial to a person's overall development.

I'm sorry you had crappy a crappy step-parent, Summerluvv, but not all step parents are (and no, I am not a step-parent, nor was I ever a stepchild, redheaded or otherwise )

I gather from the OP's posts that she also has a child with the current husband. Even more reason that the step-father (who has raised the boy since he was 18 months) is the essential male parent to the boy and the other child. People would be outraged if he treated those children differently. The bio dad has a right to visit his son (as deemed by the court) and they should develop some sort of relationship. But to say the step-father should not have a say is ridiculous. The bio dad, if he has the boy's best interests in mind, would allow the mom and her now DH to decide how best to ease him back into the boy's life. I question any man who could remain (by his choice) out of his child's life for such an extended time. It could also be that the new wife is urging him to contact him again, as well. Which basically means deep down the bio dad still doesn't 'get it.'

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

well again.... it isn't about the bio dad. YES the mom was wrong by not telling the dad. the man who is raising the child. WE aren't talking about how the bio dad wasn't around and decided to show up out of the blue. By saying themom shouldn't tell the dad... well...I want to roll my eyes lol and say that is VERY disfunctional. I mean WE OUGHTTO APPLAUD THIS GUY. TAKES A SPECIAL MAN TO RAISE A CHILD THAT WAS LEFTBEHIND! PERIOD!

Yes this guy is great for taking on this role but he only took on part of it. Before he married mom did stepdad think of what would happen if bio dad left...what about if he came back. Most people don't think that far ahead. This cannot be about biodad, stepdad or mom. This has to be about a little boy and his feelings. At 8 they are very perceptive. Bio dad calles, mom gets upset, stepdad doesn't come home everyone is yelling and crying. If this were my daughter she would be crying thinking this is all her fault.

 

[Maggimus]

I think many of you that are calling the bio Dad a sperm donor are forgetting HE HAS BEEN PAYING child support regularly for the last 6 yrs! He didn't cut and run, he did act semi responsibly for his son. Should he have seen his son - yes of course BUT he has supported him. I also think the Mom should have talked about the child's father, especially since he is paying for him. Why wouldn't she tell him about him? He has the right to know. Every one is right they should have discussed this day long before it ever happened since he didn't cut his ties and he kept supporting the child. Not doing this was short sided but I doubt very many of us could truthfully say we have planned for every single thing that could happen in our lives.

Well i suppose that means as long as we pop out babies and somehow pay for them in turn we deserve to do with the children what we please... even if that means emotional abuse (which is what popping in and out of a childs life and in the end changing the person that they are is... emotional abuse)....

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

This statement really stuck with me. How do you know he didn't "cut and run"? My ex has been paying CS for four years, but I would never say he acted responsibly. When our son was born, he promised to contribute financially to his care if I did not go after him in court. Being young (21) and stupid, I agreed. After three years, I had received a grand total of maybe 300 bucks. I finally took it to court. It took almost three years of searching for him and submitting to DNA tests before I got any money. He was FORCED to take responsibility - he did not willingly do it, trust me. Just because a man is paying CS does not mean he will be any sort of responsible parent.

I agree. Paying child support doesn't mean that he's a father to this kid. That is his legal obligation, not his moral one.

 

[ginna74]

Let's remember that financial support and emotional support are two different things. While one is helpful, the other is really crucial to a person's overall development.

I'm sorry you had crappy a crappy step-parent, Summerluvv, but not all step parents are (and no, I am not a step-parent, nor was I ever a stepchild, redheaded or otherwise )

I gather from the OP's posts that she also has a child with the current husband. Even more reason that the step-father (who has raised the boy since he was 18 months) is the essential male parent to the boy and the other child. People would be outraged if he treated those children differently. The bio dad has a right to visit his son (as deemed by the court) and they should develop some sort of relationship. But to say the step-father should not have a say is ridiculous. The bio dad, if he has the boy's best interests in mind, would allow the mom and her now DH to decide how best to ease him back into the boy's life. I question any man who could remain (by his choice) out of his child's life for such an extended time. It could also be that the new wife is urging him to contact him again, as well. Which basically means deep down the bio dad still doesn't 'get it.'

you said it better then me lol

 

[Maggimus]

Let's remember that financial support and emotional support are two different things. While one is helpful, the other is really crucial to a person's overall development.

I'm sorry you had crappy a crappy step-parent, Summerluvv, but not all step parents are (and no, I am not a step-parent, nor was I ever a stepchild, redheaded or otherwise )

I gather from the OP's posts that she also has a child with the current husband. Even more reason that the step-father (who has raised the boy since he was 18 months) is the essential male parent to the boy and the other child. People would be outraged if he treated those children differently. The bio dad has a right to visit his son (as deemed by the court) and they should develop some sort of relationship. But to say the step-father should not have a say is ridiculous. The bio dad, if he has the boy's best interests in mind, would allow the mom and her now DH to decide how best to ease him back into the boy's life. I question any man who could remain (by his choice) out of his child's life for such an extended time. It could also be that the new wife is urging him to contact him again, as well. Which basically means deep down the bio dad still doesn't 'get it.'

That seems to be my biggest concern.... and I completely agree with you. I, in no way, think the father shouldn't SEE his son... but it shouldnt be done due to one phone call "hey let me see my son. i tried to before but you wouldnt let me"... I would never hand my son the phone and then agree to just take my son to meet him.... I think this whole situation could have been different if the husband were involved and they both, together, eased the son into a mentality that sometime in the future he would get to meet his father again... and maybe prepare him for that. Not slapping the phone to his head and agreeing on meeting him sometime soon (even if soon was weeks instead of days..).

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

That seems to be my biggest concern.... and I completely agree with you. I, in no way, think the father shouldn't SEE his son... but it shouldnt be done due to one phone call "hey let me see my son. i tried to before but you wouldnt let me"... I would never hand my son the phone and then agree to just take my son to meet him.... I think this whole situation could have been different if the husband were involved and they both, together, eased the son into a mentality that sometime in the future he would get to meet his father again... and maybe prepare him for that. Not slapping the phone to his head and agreeing on meeting him sometime soon (even if soon was weeks instead of days..).

I agree with this to a point. No mom shouldn't have just handed the phone to her son without talking to her son first and explaining what is going on. You should not keep this a secret from stepdad but to be blunt...it is really none of his business. If I were to ask my DH what he thinks of my DD seeing her dad (esp after he takes a year or two leave of absence) he would say no way. But is that really in my daughter's best interest or his. I agree that dad has the right to be upset..but this upset? Is he really acting like the 'dad' everyone is saying he is? A man would have come home and discussed this and faced this like a man. Not pouted like a little kid.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

In this case, the OP has chosen to make a life and a family with a responsible man who was good enough to raise the boy like his own. Clearly, the boy knows the man is his stepfather. Doesn't mean the stepfather shouldn't be part of a decision that affects the whole family.

I agree that having a turnstile of men in and out of one's life and having the kids call each one 'dad' is ridiculous and harmful. But that's hardly the situation here.

My DF makes no parenting decisions regarding my kids whatsoever. Then again, I never put him in the position of having to. By way of contrast, I have to beg the ex to become involved with the kids. Example? ExH couldn't be bothered to attend a father-daughter formal dance. DD really wanted to go. I asked her if she'd like DF to substitute (and I used that word) and she happily agreed. DF flew over 5 hours just to take her to the dance. He bought a special floral doodad for her hair and a really nice corsage and wore a tux. When he arrived for their 'date' he said, "I know I'm not your father, but I hope I'll do." Her response? "Man, you clean up NICE! No wonder mom thinks you're cute!"

After the dance, my other DD and I met them for dessert at the Cheesecake Factory where DD went on and on about what a great time she had.

He will never be my kids' father, but he doesn't have to be. He's the incredibly wonderful man who makes their mom happy... and they love him for that.

Amen to this post. I see so many mom (mostly moms) that have their children call her husband (or even current boyfriend dad) then after they break up next guy is dad. What does this say to the kids? My DH is my daughter's STEPDAD not her dad. My DH supports my daughter financially 100%. When he is home he takes her to school, goes to all of her games and school functions. But when it comes to her biodad he steps back. He doesn't like it but it is not about what he likes. It is about what is best for her. There is no denying that my ex is a jerk. He's a jerk to me and has even been a jerk to my daughter. But I do not ever talk to my DD about it. If anyone is going to ruin the relationship between them it will be the ex... not me and certainally not my husband. But I tell you what when my daughter is upset about her dad not showing up to get her or such me and my DH are there to pick up the pieces.

 

[basketrn]

The bio dad is the bio dad, end of story. If he wants to see his son, he wants to see his son. Unless the stepfather adopted the OP's son, he really has no say in the matter, regardless if he has helped raise the son or not, and regardless of the fact that he thinks he is the dad. The OP should not have to discuss anything pertaining to the bio dad and their child together to her current husband. It really bother's me when step parents stick their noses where they don't belong. I had a stepmom that always stuck her nose in my mom and dad's business and just created more problems for the family and for a while I wasn't allowed to see my dad. You have to do what the child wants and he wants to see his dad.

Just because you pay your weekly legal obligation to a child, DOESN'T give you the right to come in and out of a child's life. If the OP's DH has been supporting this child (finanically & emotionally) since a very young age, that makes him a true father to this child, not the check writing bio dad. I have been in both your situation as a child, both bio parents were involved in my life, but step parent was a pain in the you know what....this is COMPLETELY different. This bio parent made a very obvious choice not to be involved in this childs life. He shouldn't be able to just waltz back into his life at his convience without the OP and DH discussing this first.

My DS's bio father was in and out of his life for the first 3 years of his life, no choice but his own. Eventually he stopped altogether. My DH has stepped 100% in the role of DS's TRUE father. In fact, we took care of this potential problem 3 years ago, and DH adopted him. We have had several conversations about bio dad and DS wanting to see each other, and I know it will eventually come up, but we (Me & DH) have made our decision TOGETHER on how we are going to handle this situation with OUR child.

I wish you all the luck with this very difficult situation.

 

[Maggimus]

I agree with this to a point. No mom shouldn't have just handed the phone to her son without talking to her son first and explaining what is going on. You should not keep this a secret from stepdad but to be blunt...it is really none of his business. If I were to ask my DH what he thinks of my DD seeing her dad (esp after he takes a year or two leave of absence) he would say no way. But is that really in my daughter's best interest or his. I agree that dad has the right to be upset..but this upset? Is he really acting like the 'dad' everyone is saying he is? A man would have come home and discussed this and faced this like a man. Not pouted like a little kid.

And I can see where you are coming from as well-- I agree that if the dad is dead set against it-- the mother has the upper hand. However, I feel as though even though this husband may have not legally adopted this child... he has cared for him like his own for many years now- in turn probably feeling as though this child were his own. If the dad understanding in the least im quite sure he would have come around and understood the reasoning behind having the two reunite. However , I feel that his reaction right now is somewhat justified (not the drinking- but being upset).. It all seemed to happen so quickly and yet he didnt feel important. Anyone who has poured their heart, soul, and emotion into raising someone only to feel as though they are somewhat being torn apart from them can be very devastating (or at least I can imagine)-- especially at first reaction. This seem to all happen so fast-- today is a new day and they may have very well come to terms with the situation. I do understand that people act out in anger when they are upset-- a lot of people do it, both men and women. He got upset-- he wanted time to cool down-- and he acted a little irrationally. I hope by now they both have worked this out. I doubt, however, that the husband is mad completely over the new dad calling-- but possibly more mad at his wife (or at least that's what im picking up by him not wanting to communicate with her). She had no way of keeping the father from calling... but she did have control over at least letting him know whats going on and keeping him informed (of all the night time cries and the phone call). That's somewhat betrayal... because he could have very well been just the husband who lived with the wife and "her son" and the woman had complete handle over the child. People do seem to carry on like that sometimes. However this child was calling him "dad"-- and thats a respect that must be gained. So he probably is just very hurt and doesn't know how to handle his emotion right now.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

The bio dad is the bio dad, end of story. If he wants to see his son, he wants to see his son. Unless the stepfather adopted the OP's son, he really has no say in the matter, regardless if he has helped raise the son or not, and regardless of the fact that he thinks he is the dad. The OP should not have to discuss anything pertaining to the bio dad and their child together to her current husband. It really bother's me when step parents stick their noses where they don't belong. I had a stepmom that always stuck her nose in my mom and dad's business and just created more problems for the family and for a while I wasn't allowed to see my dad. You have to do what the child wants and he wants to see his dad.

Actually when they married and took a vow to live as one, she pretty much promised that she would. What is the point of a marriage if there is no obligation to the other person?

What happens if bio dad pops in and then disappears for another 6 years?

Raising a child is just an act of kindness like holding a door? It doesn't have any ties or bonds?

I am sorry you weren't allowed to see your father when you wanted to. That may have been wrong, but that does not mean that every child should be allowed to see their biological father whenever that "father" wants to get back in the picture without any discussion whatsoever. I think many people here believe that the biological father should be given an opportunity to be in the boy's life, but the world should not spin upside down at their marriage's expense to make that happen. If the biological father has had enough of being a baby and wants to be a man, then they'll need to ease him into that child's life, not just throw them together and hope for the best.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

And I can see where you are coming from as well-- I agree that if the dad is dead set against it-- the mother has the upper hand. However, I feel as though even though this husband may have not legally adopted this child... he has cared for him like his own for many years now- in turn probably feeling as though this child were his own. If the dad understanding in the least im quite sure he would have come around and understood the reasoning behind having the two reunite. However , I feel that his reaction right now is somewhat justified (not the drinking- but being upset).. It all seemed to happen so quickly and yet he didnt feel important. Anyone who has poured their heart, soul, and emotion into raising someone only to feel as though they are somewhat being torn apart from them can be very devastating (or at least I can imagine)-- especially at first reaction. This seem to all happen so fast-- today is a new day and they may have very well come to terms with the situation. I do understand that people act out in anger when they are upset-- a lot of people do it, both men and women. He got upset-- he wanted time to cool down-- and he acted a little irrationally. I hope by now they both have worked this out. I doubt, however, that the husband is mad completely over the new dad calling-- but possibly more mad at his wife (or at least that's what im picking up by him not wanting to communicate with her). She had no way of keeping the father from calling... but she did have control over at least letting him know whats going on and keeping him informed (of all the night time cries and the phone call). That's somewhat betrayal... because he could have very well been just the husband who lived with the wife and "her son" and the woman had complete handle over the child. People do seem to carry on like that sometimes. However this child was calling him "dad"-- and thats a respect that must be gained. So he probably is just very hurt and doesn't know how to handle his emotion right now.

I understand where you are coming from. Obviously we don't have the entire story. In the beginning mom could have acted as if the ex was the love of her life...lost. Now that time has passed mom forgot all about this but her DH remembers and now that ex is back in the picture he could feel threatened. But these are all things that have to be handled as and adult. Not taking calls, not coming home, going out drinking is not behavior that an adult would use if they are worried about the welfare of a child. I think that there is more going on here and this is the straw that broke...welll you know the rest.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

Actually when they married and took a vow to live as one, she pretty much promised that she would. What is the point of a marriage if there is no obligation to the other person?

What happens if bio dad pops in and then disappears for another 6 years?

Raising a child is just an act of kindness like holding a door? It doesn't have any ties or bonds?

I am sorry you weren't allowed to see your father when you wanted to. That may have been wrong, but that does not mean that every child should be allowed to see their biological father whenever that "father" wants to get back in the picture without any discussion whatsoever. I think many people here believe that the biological father should be given an opportunity to be in the boy's life, but the world should not spin upside down at their marriage's expense to make that happen. If the biological father has had enough of being a baby and wants to be a man, then they'll need to ease him into that child's life, not just throw them together and hope for the best.

I think that a stepparent has the hardest job in the world. They take on a family help support (financially and emotionally) kids that are not theirs. Many times they are around more than a bioparent. After all this they have to take a backseat to the bio parent.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I understand where you are coming from. Obviously we don't have the entire story. In the beginning mom could have acted as if the ex was the love of her life...lost. Now that time has passed mom forgot all about this but her DH remembers and now that ex is back in the picture he could feel threatened. But these are all things that have to be handled as and adult. Not taking calls, not coming home, going out drinking is not behavior that an adult would use if they are worried about the welfare of a child. I think that there is more going on here and this is the straw that broke...welll you know the rest.

Probably so.

 

[Maggimus]

I understand where you are coming from. Obviously we don't have the entire story. In the beginning mom could have acted as if the ex was the love of her life...lost. Now that time has passed mom forgot all about this but her DH remembers and now that ex is back in the picture he could feel threatened. But these are all things that have to be handled as and adult. Not taking calls, not coming home, going out drinking is not behavior that an adult would use if they are worried about the welfare of a child. I think that there is more going on here and this is the straw that broke...welll you know the rest.

i agree-- theres more to the story that we dont know about--- especially why this child would call out for someone at night that he doesnt even know- at 8 yrs old.

I dont think the husband is upset that she took the phone call-- but rather what the result of the phone call turned into (an agreement to meet with the child very soon and the son being placed on the phone). Had I been the husband I would have been upset as well-- even if it were my bio child i would never have put him on the phone so soon. As for not coming home, I cannot justify that behavior-- however he may have felt so unimportant that he saw no need to come back to a place where his opinion and self worth didnt seem to matter..

 

[meandtheguys2]

OP, I hope and pray that things settle for you and your family soon. I din't read all of the replies, coming late to this long thread.

I think that you need to do what is best for your son, and give your husband a bit of time to heal. It sounds like he is an awesome step dad, and your boy has been blessed by his parenting. I'm glad your son is having the opportunity to make a connection with his bio. dad, though, also. It will be a mess for a bit, I suspect, and there will more than likely be some rough times, but the more people who love a child, the better off they are. And learning to forgive is important for kids and adults.

Good luck to you and your family.

 

[summerrluvv]

I am still hoping everything is ok. (with OP's DH drinking last night)

I have to agree with some of the others, there is no way a 2 year old is going to remember his bio father whom he hasn't seen nor heard of since then....of course assuming OP hasn't built up someone to him.

OP, I hope you are able to sit down with DH and get everyone on the same page and work things out.

But what on earth is wrong with the OP talking to her son about his biological dad regardless if he hasn't been around for 6 years? Should she just pretend like he didn't exist? That's wrong IMO.

 

[Maggimus]

But what on earth is wrong with the OP talking to her son about his biological dad regardless if he hasn't been around for 6 years? Should she just pretend like he didn't exist? That's wrong IMO.

No one has said its wrong-- but she said in one of her very own posts that the reason she knows about him is because he remembers.. its more less questioning how he remembers from that far back-- we are basing everything off of what the OP has told us.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

No one has said its wrong-- but she said in one of her very own posts that the reason she knows about him is because he remembers.. its more less questioning how he remembers from that far back-- we are basing everything off of what the OP has told us.

I don't beleive that he remembers dad. I am sure he WANTS to remember dad. All his friends have one. I think that mom had an obligation to discuss dad with her son and answer every one of his questions he had about him while growing up.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

But what on earth is wrong with the OP talking to her son about his biological dad regardless if he hasn't been around for 6 years? Should she just pretend like he didn't exist? That's wrong IMO.

The only thing that I would have done different is to prepare her son for the call. After the call discuss his feelings and let her son know she is there is he needs her. I do not feel, and I never will, that she should ask her husband what he thinks should be done.