My DD5 seems focused with death-normal?

[Linnie The Pooh]

She is asking me a lot of questions about dying lately. We had 2 deaths in our family last summer (my dad and grandma) and it didn't seem to even affect her.

Now all of a sudden, she's asking if kids die, why do we die, what happens etc. And she's playing with her Little People and a lot of them are "dying."

She was playing with some Sesame Street people and poor Big Bird.... he went to blow out his birthday day candles and got fire in his mouth and died. Now she made one of the people said, "I'm going to die next week."

Is this normal??? We went by the cemetery last week and she told me that's where people die and then you do flowers. It happened to be where my grandma and dad were placed so I asked if she wanted to see it and she did. She hadn't been since the day of their services. She was super quiet after that. I'm not sure I did the right thing by taking her there.

Anyone else's kids do this type of thing?

 

[Kath2003]

I don't have kids but I always thought this was normal - like the way kids play getting married or mommies and daddies or whatever. It's a fact of life that they have to live with and kids act it out and deal with it through play. I think you did the right thing taking her to the cemetery too - perhaps leave it until it's a special day (grandma or dad's birthday or something) and take her to leave some flowers?

 

[GJM]

My DS (7) also goes thru that stage of asking questions. Plus alot of questions about God. The other day he asked me if God had email.

 

[Kath2003]

The other day he asked me if God had email.

Awesome kid!

When I was 7, we didn't even have email

 

[littlestix]

Well my DS is 5 also, he did this about 3 months ago.
We've been to several funerals the past couple of years.

In the begining I wasn't sure how to handle this. I decided that ignoring or putting off his questions wasn't the route I wanted to take.

I think it's important to be age appropiate honest. Meaning, I have given him a basic truth about death. There are too many beliefs around here for me to be specific about what I said. With that said, his questions have slowed but still occur sometimes.

So anyway, yeah, I think it's normal........... The tough part is deciding how you want to handle it.

 

[Freyja]

I have 4 kids. They´re 12, 10, 5 and 2. All three of the 5 years and older have reached the "death stage" when they were 5. Each and every time they got so occupied with it that I thought it couldn´t be normal. It almost freaked me out.

Now I´ve learned that it´s normal. It´s a part of growing up and learning about life. And death.

I´ve always been very open with my kids about almost everything. I always try to tell them the truth and answer their questions in the best ways I can. Questions about death and the afterlife/whether there is one are some of the most difficult ones, since I don´t know the answers to them. I try to be honest about that as well and I prefer getting a discussion going with them rather than trying to tell them something I´m not sure about myself. Makes some fun/freaky disccussions sometimes

 

[MushyMushy]

Definitely normal! My DS freaked me out when he was around that age. First of all, there was a commercial for Flintstones cereal (can't remember what cereal) and either Barney or Fred was in heaven or hell... sorry, I really can't remember the commercial, just the aftermath. Secondly, my mother had said in front of him that someone would go to hell.

He was terrified! Most of all because of that commercial, but also because of my mom. We worked through it so he wasn't afraid, but then was still kind of obsessed with death in general.

 

[mommasita]

I agree with everyone else..

My kids were 5 and 2 when they lost their Nonna, and they were fixated for a year after. I have to say that my son was 5, and sadly is still a little nervous with hospitals or anyone staying in one, and that they will never come out

I was as honest as can be, and purchased several books that I read to them, and they still read to themselves..

 

[mrsv98]

Five year olds are just beginning to move out of the self-centered stage where the world revolves around them. This is also the age of emergence of empathy. Children begin to project their feelings on others and take in the feelings from others. Thus, they begin to understand grief and think about what causes it. Also, if they are around death, funerals etc, then the feelings may be heightened.

All this exploration is totally normal. Don't be concerned about the "death" play, at this age, they don't understand the permanence as yet. DD didn't really get into this until last year when she was 6. Her great-grandfather died and then our beloved oldest dog. It is only now, in the last month, (almost a year later) that she has really come to understand that Sammy is truly gone. She has shown more grief now than when she died.

All this is a long winded way of saying all kids go thru these stages and the interest will come and go, generally in conjunciton with some event, though they might not show it immediately.

 

[meeskamouska]

My DD 4 is in this stage. We are always talking about death and how you die and why you die....etc. She seems to really get it and isn't scared by it.

It just happened that during all of this fascination our beloved cat died and we had him creamated. She was alarmed at how we had fit poor Caesar into a tiny box!!!!

So, then the conversation was about bodies and spirits and being creamated or buried. It was a very intersting conversation.

 

[Linnie The Pooh]

Thank you everyone. I feel better now!

One thing I thought was "different," was last year after our loved ones passed away, she had started preschool and their class guinea pig died. The teacher said DD took it pretty hard and was crying, but DD wouldn't talk to me about it or even tell me the animal died. She didn't seem concerned at all that her relatives had died, but this little animal dies and she took it really hard. I don't get it.

She seems very preoccupied with it. I didn't realize that she hadn't been to the cemetery since they'd died. I have been, but I go by myself. I'll ask her if she wants to go along from now when I go.

I'm glad to hear other kids go through this stuff too! It had me more than a little worried.

 

[MI mom of 3]

DS15 went thru that stage. He was very concerned about what would happen if HE died. He wouldn't know anyone there...I told him my Gramma would be there for him. We would lay on his bed and he would wave up at her Then it was I won't know what to wear, I won't have any friends, how will I know where to go to the bathroom. Everytime I thought we had put it all to rest, he would come up with something new.

It took weeks of talks and worrying until one night it clicked for me....

He was worried about going to SCHOOL!!!

he wouldn't know anyone, where would he sit, go to the bathroom etc.

Then we were able to have a long talk about what it was going to be like etc. It took a while but the worrying about that stopped.

I didn't have that with DD19 or DS14 but DS15 has always been the most sensitve.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

My DS5 always wants to talk about dead people when he's on the potty. He makes me sit on the edge of the tub and we discuss. He asks a lot of questions about my father and all of his great grandparents. It's perfectly normal.

Lori

 

[Mickey Rules]

I remember that I used to ask a lot of those same questions. I would get out of bed crying and say that I am afraid to die and for any of my family to die as well. So, I would say that it is pretty normal, just explain it the way you want to.

 

[mrsv98]

Thank you everyone. I feel better now!

One thing I thought was "different," was last year after our loved ones passed away, she had started preschool and their class guinea pig died. The teacher said DD took it pretty hard and was crying, but DD wouldn't talk to me about it or even tell me the animal died. She didn't seem concerned at all that her relatives had died, but this little animal dies and she took it really hard. I don't get it.

We had this with DD and it just shows how children grieve so differently. They day our dear Sammy died, so did DD's stupid $.99 goldfish. Here was our dog, loved as family by everyone gone and all she could talk about were the damn fish! Really, it was just what was the most immediate to her, it didn't diminish Sammy in anyway. In fact, as I said, she is mourning Sammy now, almost a year later.

It just shows what funny little creatures children are!