My 16 year old niece is coming to live with me!

[sweetbambi]

Due to an extreme family emergency--my BIL after 30 years of sobriety has fallen off the wagon and lost the house, at least one car but anyway enough that the 16 y.o. is falling apart and wants to be with me because I listen to her and have two 9 year old granddaughters living in the same city that she adores. I know what I have to do for her, but I don't know what to DO for her. If she's here long enough for school-and that looks likely-I'm going to homeschool her because she is painfully shy and very plain, not to mention her ADD and the fact that her family will be 4 states away. My husband is on a job overseas and won't be back until July 10 and she adores him. I am scared, I am supposed to talk to my therapist about it Friday but again, I AM SCARED!

 

[Aliceacc]

Due to an extreme family emergency--my BIL after 30 years of sobriety has fallen off the wagon and lost the house, at least one car but anyway enough that the 16 y.o. is falling apart and wants to be with me because I listen to her and have two 9 year old granddaughters living in the same city that she adores. I know what I have to do for her, but I don't know what to DO for her. If she's here long enough for school-and that looks likely-I'm going to homeschool her because she is painfully shy and very plain, not to mention her ADD and the fact that her family will be 4 states away. My husband is on a job overseas and won't be back until July 10 and she adores him. I am scared, I am supposed to talk to my therapist about it Friday but again, I AM SCARED!

First and foremost, what a wonderful thing to consider doing.

Secondly, deep breaths.

Third, I get the "painfully shy" but I'm lost on the "very plain" part of the description. But I would rethink homeschooling. First and foremost, because at age 16 she's going to have some opinions of her own. But, even moreso: she has no friends where you live. If she's alone with you at home all day, how will she make friends? And are you qualified to educate a 16 year old with ADD? Can you competently explain the Law of Cosines, how to balance a Chemical Equation, the ins and outs of Shakespeare and European History?? Can you prepare her for the SATs?

Again, deep breaths. Talk to your therapist, but keep an open mind on the options.

 

[sunshine1178]

Due to an extreme family emergency--my BIL after 30 years of sobriety has fallen off the wagon and lost the house, at least one car but anyway enough that the 16 y.o. is falling apart and wants to be with me because I listen to her and have two 9 year old granddaughters living in the same city that she adores. I know what I have to do for her, but I don't know what to DO for her. If she's here long enough for school-and that looks likely-I'm going to homeschool her because she is painfully shy and very plain, not to mention her ADD and the fact that her family will be 4 states away. My husband is on a job overseas and won't be back until July 10 and she adores him. I am scared, I am supposed to talk to my therapist about it Friday but again, I AM SCARED!

Best wishes to you. Make sure that you have whatever legal documents you need drawn up so that you can get her medical attention if she needs it.

 

[TLuvsD]

You might need legal documents for schooling as well. I'd at least consider having her attend school...be it public, private or just classes for home schooled high school students. She needs to met some people her own age.

You might also consider the teen version of Al-Anon....

Wishing you all the best, this is a wonderful thing you are doing.

 

[wishesuponastar]

What a very caring thing to do for your niece. I also think you should re-think the home schooling so she can go to school and make a friend. Maybe after trying public school if it doesn't work out then home school. I hope your niece knows she is loved by you and your family and she can find the happiness she deserves.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

What does your sister think? (Assuming here that she is the girl's mother and married to your BIL). How far away will she be from home?

 

[Hrhpd]

Due to an extreme family emergency--my BIL after 30 years of sobriety has fallen off the wagon and lost the house, at least one car but anyway enough that the 16 y.o. is falling apart and wants to be with me because I listen to her and have two 9 year old granddaughters living in the same city that she adores. I know what I have to do for her, but I don't know what to DO for her. If she's here long enough for school-and that looks likely-I'm going to homeschool her because she is painfully shy and very plain, not to mention her ADD and the fact that her family will be 4 states away. My husband is on a job overseas and won't be back until July 10 and she adores him. I am scared, I am supposed to talk to my therapist about it Friday but again, I AM SCARED!

First of all, you are doing a wonderful thing providing your niece with some stability during this terrible time for her.

When you see your therapist on Friday, get a recommendation for a therapist for your niece.

She is going through some dramatic changes in her life and a therapist will be able to help her (and you) navigate this difficult time in her life.

I also don't get the "plain" part of why you are going to homeschool. Are you saying that since she is not Giselle, she does not deserve to be out in public, in a school?

 

[richmond282]

Is she currently being home schooled? I agree with a PP that you need to take her wishes into consideration. Being exposed to other people might be a good thing for someone so shy. Either way, make sure you get all the legal documentation you need to be her guardian. Good luck! I'm sure you'll do a great job!

 

[Robinrs]

The best thing this child needs is stability, which you can offer her but she doesn't need a "scared" adult, she needs one she can lean and depend on.

I took in both of my teen nieces back in the day, one from my oldest sister, the other from my middle sister. The teen years are rough when they're YOURS, way worse when they're not. She's going to need to know what you expect from her and that takes adult authority...not fear.

I would talk to your therapist about how to handle a child from her particular household and IF homeschooling would be an option you can handle and she can prosper in.

Teen girls are very looks oriented. Your mentioning that she's plain will reflect in how you treat and look at her. She will FEEL it. She needs to know from YOU that she is beautiful...you can offer that to her.

She is blessed she has you. Both of my nieces are now in their 40s and still thank me. It was difficult but it can work.

I see you're local in Atlanta, please let me know if you need any help.

God bless....

 

[aprilgail2]

If she's here long enough for school-and that looks likely-I'm going to homeschool her because she is painfully shy and very plain, not to mention her ADD and the fact that her family will be 4 states away. My husband is on a job overseas and won't be back until July 10 and she adores him. I am scared, I am supposed to talk to my therapist about it Friday but again, I AM SCARED!

How about asking HER what she wants to do- and seriously...she is "plain" so she shouldn't go to school---what the heck?? She will never get over that shyness if she doesn't need to put herself out there.

The best thing this child needs is stability, which you can offer her but she doesn't need a "scared" adult, she needs one she can lean and depend on.

I would talk to your therapist about how to handle a child from her particular household and IF homeschooling would be an option you can handle and she can prosper in.

:

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Due to an extreme family emergency--my BIL after 30 years of sobriety has fallen off the wagon and lost the house, at least one car but anyway enough that the 16 y.o. is falling apart and wants to be with me because I listen to her and have two 9 year old granddaughters living in the same city that she adores. I know what I have to do for her, but I don't know what to DO for her. If she's here long enough for school-and that looks likely-I'm going to homeschool her because she is painfully shy and very plain, not to mention her ADD and the fact that her family will be 4 states away. My husband is on a job overseas and won't be back until July 10 and she adores him. I am scared, I am supposed to talk to my therapist about it Friday but again, I AM SCARED!

That is a lot to take in. So hugs first.

Do not over think this for starters. It sounds like you are setting up all these "plans" in your mind. I would say to stop that right away.

The decision about schooling should be a joint decision with the 16yo. If you have to go down that road you can deal with it when she is there.

So, what I would tell you is to just welcome her into your home and go from there.

If she ends up staying with you long term then you can pursue legal documentation and together you can decide what the best course of action is for her future.

Right now just be a soft place for her to fall and sort out things. That is probably what she needs at the moment. The "heavy lifting" decisions can fall into place naturally as time progresses.

 

[NFLDERS]

First and foremost, what a wonderful thing to consider doing.

Secondly, deep breaths.

Third, I get the "painfully shy" but I'm lost on the "very plain" part of the description. But I would rethink homeschooling. First and foremost, because at age 16 she's going to have some opinions of her own. But, even moreso: she has no friends where you live. If she's alone with you at home all day, how will she make friends? And are you qualified to educate a 16 year old with ADD? Can you competently explain the Law of Cosines, how to balance a Chemical Equation, the ins and outs of Shakespeare and European History?? Can you prepare her for the SATs?

Again, deep breaths. Talk to your therapist, but keep an open mind on the options.

This is great advice. An AA program for teens will benefit everyone in your family and especially her. I was 14 when my dad finally embraced sobriety. All my formative years were with life in the thros of alcoholism. Alateen, my school life, church family, and Minister aided my need for self confidence that has lasted my lifetime. Love for your niece will see you through this.

God bless you and your family.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Hugs as you start this journey in your life. First, realize, even if she is a great kid, there will be lots of bumps in the road. She may be very grateful to you, but she is going to be dealing with lots of loss and identity issues at a very difficult time in her life.
Finding where you stand legally is the first step. Will both parents agree to give you guardianship? You will need that for any school enrollment and in most states only parents or legal guardians can home school. You will need to act soon if you want to home school for the fall to register your home. Next are you able to home school a high school child? I know, even though I am am an early childhood major, and home schooling in the early years would be easy for me, I could not home school high school math.
Prayer for you both as you care for this young lady.

 

[Caradana]

I wish I lived in Atlanta so I could intervene on the "plain" part. There's not much I can do about the unbelievable emotional strain underscoring this, but give me three days and my debit card and I could totally address the "plain." I wish!

 

[teambeaman]

If you can do this for your niece, I urge you to do so. I won't go into details, but at 16, if someone would have intervened on my behalf, my life could have been much easier and maybe I would have come through a little less "battered". The "plain" that you mentioned could be a defense mechanism, if she is "unnoticeable" no one will see what she's going through. Once she is in a stable environment, maybe you could get her a "mini-makeover" when she feels comfortable with it, and maybe your granddaughters could help with that. I would also suggest that you send her to school. At this point, she needs as much of a "normal" life as you could give her. I'm sure she already feels "different" because of her situation, homeschooling may only make her feel that more. Good luck to you both and know that if you do this, she will be more grateful than you will ever know.

 

[Piper]

Unless your niece is Amish, the "plain" statement was out of line. It concerns me that you are judging her on her looks. If you are concerned, take her to a stylist for a flattering hair cut, teach her how to use makeup correctly and get her some flattering clothes. Maybe she is shy because her parents have neglected her appearance. Or maybe it is because of people judging her.

 

[powellrj]

Hugs go out to you! My DS and his wife are raising her niece and nephew and its the greatest gift they have ever been given. Thanks for being there for her.

16 is a hard/wonderful age. Some days they are the most wonderful kids on the face of the earth and other days you are wondering if you can turn them back into little children who haven't perfected the eyeroll!

Can you get her plugged into a church or other group so she can met some kids her own age? As for the plain part, is that just who she is? My DD can look plain/dressed down many days, but that is just her style. She was also up for homecoming queen this year so she can dress-up, but most days she doesn't.

At this point, I would guess she just wants someone who will be there for her, and thanks for being that person!

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

I'm guessing you are a little older. First, kudos for stepping in. Please help her find a group somewhere- church, therapy, volunteering- where she might make friends if she doesn't go to school. Take her shopping for some clothes that will help her fit in and maybe for a makeover day at a salon. I know I feel more confident if I'm looking my best. Spend time with her doing things- movies, amusement parks, bike riding, walking in the park- so she doesn't sit around and dwell on things. Make sure she has a tablet or phone so she can keep in touch with her friends back home. Teenagers don't "talk" anymore. They text.

Good luck.

 

[Disneychick75]

You niece might want to go to school. If she's shy, there will be other shy girls and guys like her. In high school, plain would have been a nice to describe one of our classmates. She was so sweet and I was friendly to her but not friends with her-(hanging head in shame). At our 10 year reunion-WOW- she blossomed. She didn't look a lot different but she had gained poise and confidence. The girl had moved away, studied hotel management, graduated, and was managing a hotel in South Beach. She won Most Changed. We all clapped and cheered. Everyone was delighted for her. My point is OP that your niece is moving to a new place and maybe, if given a chance, she'll blossom in her own way.

 

[NewRVLady]

Funny story- best friends DD was always sort of plain, , long face, out of control hair , lips slightly too big.
We'll she grew into all those oversized features and her
sorority pic in yearbook , everyone thought- rightly so- she is a dead ringer for Julia Roberts
Seriously a beautiful young woman- inside and out

To not let someone attend school , based on their looks , is just not right