My 13yo niece was crushed and publicly humilated

[punkin]

I talked to my sister today, to find out how my niece's day went yesterday. She said horrible. I got a little more clarification. It seems this "friend" has been trying make her way in with the "popular" crowd. She had been friends with my neice since last summer. The girl invited some of the popular girls to the party, so I guess, wanted to fit in, she decided once my niece showed up, she didn't fit with the kids she wanted to hang with. She wanted her and one other girl to leave. Originally, she told her mother to ask them to leave, but the mom was busy dealing with something, so she had her tell the grandmother. So it is not a case of senile granny after all. The mom was watching out the window when my sister pulled up.

There was no fight a few days before. My niece was completed blindsided. As far as the ceremony, I think it was a case of family and close friends at the ceremony, and school friends were invited to the party.

I didn't understand why my sister would not of marched into the house and demand an explanation. Hindsight, I think she took the higher road. She had a distraught 13yo she was dealing with, and going in would of made it worse for her.

As for why she sent off so many copies, I guess she felt that those she sent them to had a right to know what had gone on with this girl. She informed the Rabbi, not because she expects him to get involved, but to inform him of the lovely family in his Synagogue.

What I don't get is why adults buy into the whole 13 yo exclusion mentality. DD wanted to invite everyone in her class to her Bat Mitzvah except one girl (yes, I have me a queen bee here) and I said that if she didn't invite Stacy, she wasn't having a party. Period.

Oh and Robin, it is perfectly OK to say you are only coming to the services or only to the party. That is not a reason to get upset and make a scene. In order to make it to services many religious people have to have a place to stay within walking distance. Sometimes that's just not feasible so they only come for the party.

 

[akhenaten]

I talked to my sister today, to find out how my niece's day went yesterday. She said horrible. I got a little more clarification. It seems this "friend" has been trying make her way in with the "popular" crowd. She had been friends with my neice since last summer. The girl invited some of the popular girls to the party, so I guess, wanted to fit in, she decided once my niece showed up, she didn't fit with the kids she wanted to hang with. She wanted her and one other girl to leave. Originally, she told her mother to ask them to leave, but the mom was busy dealing with something, so she had her tell the grandmother. So it is not a case of senile granny after all. The mom was watching out the window when my sister pulled up.

There was no fight a few days before. My niece was completed blindsided. As far as the ceremony, I think it was a case of family and close friends at the ceremony, and school friends were invited to the party.

I didn't understand why my sister would not of marched into the house and demand an explanation. Hindsight, I think she took the higher road. She had a distraught 13yo she was dealing with, and going in would of made it worse for her.

As for why she sent off so many copies, I guess she felt that those she sent them to had a right to know what had gone on with this girl. She informed the Rabbi, not because she expects him to get involved, but to inform him of the lovely family in his Synagogue.

to your niece! I think that this was disgusting !!!!

I am glad that your sis sent those e mails!!

for your sis too...it must be just terrible for her to see her precious daughter treated in such a way!!

 

[dmslush]

OP, I'm so sorry for you neice, that is just awful!

 

[JoiseyMom]

It is rare to have more than one child getting Bat/Bar Mitzvah'd on the same day.

It's not rare at our temple. More often then not there are 2 kids then 1.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

That is beyond disgusting what those kids and adults did. I would definetly call the mother of the brat and let her know that I think she is a pig. (well I'd say something alot less Dis friendly ) I feel so bad for your niece. I too would have let the Rabbi know. Real nice.

Now OT-
Mr.& Mrs. Smith-
I think it depends where you live. Here on Long Island it is not at all unusual to not attend the actual ceremony of baptism, communion, confirmation, wedding, bar/bat mitzvah. Of course all are usually invited, nobody gets mad if you can't make the ceremony and only come to the party. We also are not inviting you (well we aren't) to our parties for a gift. We have the party to celebrate the occassion. So I wouldn't even be offended if you didn't invite me to the actual ceremony. Many people are just not comfortable going to a ceremony that is a different faith then their own. No big deal. YMMV.

ETA- It is also not rare here for only one child to make their bar/bat mitzvah. They have celebrations here that rival weddings and are planned years in advance.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Unbelievable how some people behave!

Out of curiousity, what did your DN get the girl in the way of a gift? She probably shouldn't hold her breath waiting for a thank you note.

I think your sister handled it quite nicely. Sorry your DN was hurt and humiliated. With "friends" like this, who needs enemies?

TC

 

[rwrocksme]

I feel so sorry for your neice. I'm 15, and about a year ago I was publicly humiliated in front of the entire student body (by a group of teachers, no less). I won't go into the details here, but I will say that in the end, it made me realize just how great the people who care for me really are. It doesn't make it hurt any less now, but she will feel better soon.

I suggest ice cream, a funny movie, and a real friend...and a mom too (and maybe her aunt, who obviously loves her very much)!

 

[pepperw23]

My sister called me yesterday morning to tell me what happened to my niece on Saturday.

She had been invited to her "friend's" Bat Mitsvah. She had been looking forward to going for weeks. My sister said ten minutes after she dropped her off, she gets a phone call from her asking to come and get her. She was asked to leave.

The girl's GRANDMOTHER told my niece in front of a room full of people that the girl did not like her, and she did not want her at her party. She was asked to leave. They allowed her to wait outside until my sister came.

As she was telling me this, I asked her if she went in and ripped the mother's face off. (That is what my sister would of done in the olden days, she doesn't take crap from anyone). She said my niece was really upset, so she dealt with her at the moment. When she got home, she typed out a letter informing this mother exactly what she thought. She then forwarded it to the school principle, the girls teacher and the girl's Rabbi. I guess one other girl from their Synagogue was asked to leave also.

I just can't imagine ANYONE allowing their child to do something like this, especially on a religious occasion. I feel so bad for my niece. My stomach has been in knots since yesterday just thinking about how she must of felt standing out there.

Wow, just wow.

Your niece is not the one that looks bad imo. Bless her heart.

 

[RLccweems]

Your poor niece...that was so wrong of them to do this to her. My heart just breaks for her....

Why invite her if they didn't want her there....

 

[akhenaten]

I feel so sorry for your neice. I'm 15, and about a year ago I was publicly humiliated in front of the entire student body (by a group of teachers, no less). I won't go into the details here, but I will say that in the end, it made me realize just how great the people who care for me really are. It doesn't make it hurt any less now, but she will feel better soon.

I suggest ice cream, a funny movie, and a real friend...and a mom too (and maybe her aunt, who obviously loves her very much)!

 

[melancholywings]

I actually feel a bit (a very tiny bit) bad for the girl who asked your niece to leave. Only in that treating people like this (and her parents supporting her horrible behavior) will backfire on her in life. They are doing her such an injustice in raising her as she's being taught that people are dispensable. At least your niece will be out of that environment.

Was the invite was given on school grounds? I'd see if there is any recourse or rules about bullying other students, because what she and her family did to your niece is just that.

 

[MoniqueU]

Some people are sick and that grandma deserves a wack on the head with a cane. I would be furious. The girl shouldn't of invited her I guess if she was going to get her grandma involved in kicking out guests. sounds like a serious princess complex to me. that whole family should be ashamed of themselves

 

[pepperw23]

That's terrible! Whatever the reason for it. . . that is a terrible way for anyone to behave - religious event or not. To have the adults involved in treating peers that way only makes it that much more revolting. Reminds me of the behavior that is shown on that MTV show Super Sweet 16. (My teenager used to watch that pile of mess.)

As a mom of a teenager girl, that is agonizing to even think about a kid going through. The girl's mom did the right thing by picking her up and leaving rather than going in and causing a scene. That would have only brought more attention to what they did to the poor kid.

Speaking of that show. We had a girl in our neighborhood that got on it (well sorta) She was so nice to everyone; didn't want to leave anyone out. She said anyone could come until the place was too full and the producers said "no more". I also heard that when she was asked about her car she said "I will be happy with whatever my parents choose to get me." What a nice girl!! We do not even know her yet DD was invited because DD's friend knew her and was invited and she wanted to make sure all of her guests had people there they knew. Why can't all teens be that way??? I don't think the show ever aired though. I guess she didn't have enough drama.

I don't know what to tell you. I am not making this up, and I am sure my sister did not call me out of the blue yesterday to make a story like this up.

Growing up being an outcast in the 80's, I can tell you kids were this cruel back then. It happens. Today, parents are going to schools to help their kids beat up on other kids, so yes, there are some real winning parents out there also.

ITA. There is no excuse for this at all. I think (if I were Jewish) I would have to question if my DD was ready if she had asked me to have someone leave. The Grandmother maybe needs to break out the good book and do a little reading up herself. As far as the 80's go...ever notice that all of us 80's teen girls feel the same way? Kinda makes you wonder.

Regardless of where it is it was still extremely rude to say something to her in front of everyone.

I can't think of one good excuse!!!

I feel so sorry for your neice. I'm 15, and about a year ago I was publicly humiliated in front of the entire student body (by a group of teachers, no less). I won't go into the details here, but I will say that in the end, it made me realize just how great the people who care for me really are. It doesn't make it hurt any less now, but she will feel better soon.

I suggest ice cream, a funny movie, and a real friend...and a mom too (and maybe her aunt, who obviously loves her very much)!

Looks like you got a tough lesson that left you better off in the end. You know who your friends are and know you have a family that loves you. At the end of the day that is all anyone could ever want.

 

[Mkrop]

OP I am so sorry your DNiece was treated like this

Seriously? Isn't the sacrament the important part and the party just something we do to celebrate the sacrament afterwards? I do find that line of thinking odd.

I have never heard tell of this. Do you need to show your ticket before they'll let you in the church? I think that's absolutely ridiculous. Whoever wants to go to church for anything should be able to attend. It's an open, welcoming, free place to go! I would not tolerate that kind of attitude in my church either as a minister or as a congregant. Who cares if the church is packed? I think that would be wonderful!

We have a large parish and just built a large church and we still dont have enough room. When DS10 made his First Communion there were 50 kids that day. Each child was given a pew and they could have as many family members that they could fit comfortably in the pew only. They even asked families with smaller numbers to sit up front bc those pews are not as long. The place was packed with just family, no one else could attend if they wanted to.

The following year DS sang in the choir for the Communion Mass. There was no room for me in the church to see him sing, which was fine. It was filled with the family of the Communion kids. I dropped him off, ran a quick errand then waited in the parking lot for it to be over.

I dont think you understand the setups of how certain churches work. What might work for one may not work for another.

 

[momrek06]

I feel so sorry for your neice. I'm 15, and about a year ago I was publicly humiliated in front of the entire student body (by a group of teachers, no less). I won't go into the details here, but I will say that in the end, it made me realize just how great the people who care for me really are. It doesn't make it hurt any less now, but she will feel better soon.

I suggest ice cream, a funny movie, and a real friend...and a mom too (and maybe her aunt, who obviously loves her very much)!

You sould like a real sweety. I am sorry to read you went through something like this as well.

 

[ilisao]

I talked to my sister today, to find out how my niece's day went yesterday. She said horrible. I got a little more clarification. It seems this "friend" has been trying make her way in with the "popular" crowd. She had been friends with my neice since last summer. The girl invited some of the popular girls to the party, so I guess, wanted to fit in, she decided once my niece showed up, she didn't fit with the kids she wanted to hang with. She wanted her and one other girl to leave. Originally, she told her mother to ask them to leave, but the mom was busy dealing with something, so she had her tell the grandmother. So it is not a case of senile granny after all. The mom was watching out the window when my sister pulled up. .

So what I am reading here is the mother knew about the girl's intention and bad manners, and would have kicked your niece out had she not had something else to do.

This absolutely sickens me to no end. This is a family who completely missed the point of the Bat Mitzvah. This is a family who have no concept of what it actually means to be Jewish. Your sister was right in contacting the rabbi, IMO. I'm just sorry she didn't storm in there and rip this mother a new one. I mean, what kind of mother and grandmother would condone such behavior? Disgusting.

But you know something? There's something to be said about karma. And it will come back to haunt them in the worst way.

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

I dont think you understand the setups of how certain churches work. What might work for one may not work for another.

Ok. I'm quite off topic again but . . .

I do think that there are different solutions to problems like this. For me, excluding people from worship isn't even an option.

For instance, if 50 people are receiving their First Communion, it might make sense to break that group up and celebrate at multiple services either on the same day or on different days.

If they keep them together as a group, they could always have extra services that day so that if regular worshippers show up and find the place packed, they can leave and come back to a later service or can plan to attend a later service in the first place. Many churches already do this for high services such as Christmas and Easter.

As I said earlier, it's possible to set up overflow space outside the sanctuary. We just had to do that at one of my churches for a largely attended funeral.

I can understand only reserving a certain number of pews for the family and that's fine, but surely others should be able to come and sit where they like.

I suppose it's a matter of two different theological and biblical perspectives. I feel very strongly about worship being an inclusive event. I realize that not all clergy agree. I'm just giving you my opinion.

 

[RitaZ.]

What I don't get is why adults buy into the whole 13 yo exclusion mentality. DD wanted to invite everyone in her class to her Bat Mitzvah except one girl (yes, I have me a queen bee here) and I said that if she didn't invite Stacy, she wasn't having a party. Period.

That's the way reasonable parents handle these issues.

Some parents will do whatever it takes to make their "darlings" happy, it doesn't matter how ridiculous and wrong it may be. Reminds me of Veruca from Willy Wonka. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9obgyYB1IU

 

[mysticIT]

I talked to my sister today, to find out how my niece's day went yesterday. She said horrible. I got a little more clarification. It seems this "friend" has been trying make her way in with the "popular" crowd. She had been friends with my neice since last summer. The girl invited some of the popular girls to the party, so I guess, wanted to fit in, she decided once my niece showed up, she didn't fit with the kids she wanted to hang with. She wanted her and one other girl to leave. Originally, she told her mother to ask them to leave, but the mom was busy dealing with something, so she had her tell the grandmother. So it is not a case of senile granny after all. The mom was watching out the window when my sister pulled up.

Is your niece one of the popular kids? When girls actively try to become part of the popular group, it often causes drama.

 

[Chloe'sMom]

Dude they are lucky I'm not your sister. I would have told my daughter to go out to the car and then I would have gone inside and told off the family. I would have pulled the mother aside and let her know what a stupid little witch her daughter is and to tell her to keep her bratty *** away from my baby!

I'm sorry this happened to your niece - it is heart breaking. The truth is we all have a moment like that when we are growing up and it teaches us a couple of life lessons. Big Hugs to your niece - I hope she finds some true friends who will last a life time soon.

In the meantime your sister needs to call up that mom and tell her that she is not appreciative of the way her daughter was treated and that she wants her gift back.

~Amanda