My 13yo niece was crushed and publicly humilated

[LuvOrlando]

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[Handbag Lady]

I am so sorry for your niece.

The girl's "grandmother" is very, very lucky she didn't pull that stunt to my niece. My sister is an insane mama bear and would have ripped them all new ones. She would have certainly walked right in, and politely spoken to the mother of the celebrated child, found out what happened, and then she would have exploded.

You just don't invite someone, give them directions, then yell at them for showing up.

 

[debbi801]

Just curious, how did he read the Torah? Did they go somewhere else and a Torah brought in? Because you simply cannot close off a synagogue on Shabbat to other worshippers.

Can't read from the Torah if you have less than 10 people and what did they do with the rest of the congregation?

Did he read from the Torah without a minyan?

A few years ago, we were invited to the Bar Mitzvah service for the son of a friend of ours. It was held during week-day morning services. His parents thought that it would be too much for him to do it during Shabbat services. Between the family, Rabbi, Cantor, and a few close family friends, they just had enough people.

IMO, it is either that scenario or the child did not read from the Torah. we've been to a few Saturday night Havdallah "B'nai Mitzvot" services held at hotels in Baltimore.

 

[JennyMominRI]

A few years ago, we were invited to the Bar Mitzvah service for the son of a friend of ours. It was held during week-day morning services. His parents thought that it would be too much for him to do it during Shabbat services. Between the family, Rabbi, Cantor, and a few close family friends, they just had enough people.

IMO, it is either that scenario or the child did not read from the Torah. we've been to a few Saturday night Havdallah "B'nai Mitzvot" services held at hotels in Baltimore.

Duh, I forgot about the Rabbi and Cantor. I can definately see the appeal of a small group like that..I'd be a lot less nervous

 

[punkin]

A few years ago, we were invited to the Bar Mitzvah service for the son of a friend of ours. It was held during week-day morning services. His parents thought that it would be too much for him to do it during Shabbat services. Between the family, Rabbi, Cantor, and a few close family friends, they just had enough people.

IMO, it is either that scenario or the child did not read from the Torah. we've been to a few Saturday night Havdallah "B'nai Mitzvot" services held at hotels in Baltimore.

Even on a weekday reading, there must be at least 10 people. What do they do with the rest of the people who show up?

About the ones who don't read, is that common? My DD did not read but we go to an Orthodox Synagogue so...but she still gave a D'var Torah and we had a huge Kiddush-everyone at services invited.

Anyway, none of this has nothing to do with the OP except it just sounds weird to anyone familiar with Judaism. You just don't turn anyone away...ever.

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

Except around here, people do that all the time!

If I got invited to a wedding reception and not the wedding, I wouldn't go. I'm not important enough to witness the marriage but I'm good enough to come to the party afterward and bring a gift?

Just curious, how did he read the Torah? Did they go somewhere else and a Torah brought in? Because you simply cannot close off a synagogue on Shabbat to other worshippers.

Exactly! I didn't think it was really up to the family who could and could not come to a public service.

I can only speak for my church but it's packed during most normal masses. Add in 1st communion and it's standing room only. If they didn't limit the family/friends of those having their 1st communons there litterally wouldn't be room for everyone (due to building occupancy). It really just depends on the size of the church (the physical size) and how big the congregation is.

Then you offer two services on that day or create an overflow area in a church hall or other area where the audio (and possibly the video) of the service could be broadcast. I would never ever turn people away from church. I'm actually quite embarassed to think that this happens in my faith.

I apologize if this is off topic. I just think it's kind of an interesting discussion.

 

[debbi801]

Even on a weekday reading, there must be at least 10 people. What do they do with the rest of the people who show up?

About the ones who don't read, is that common? My DD did not read but we go to an Orthodox Synagogue so...but she still gave a D'var Torah and we had a huge Kiddush-everyone at services invited.

Anyway, none of this has nothing to do with the OP except it just sounds weird to anyone familiar with Judaism. You just don't turn anyone away...ever.

They belong to a small Conservative congregation. No one was turned away, but I think there were only about 20 people sitting in the sanctuary. I can see where that could be preferable in some situations compared to the amount of people that are there for Saturday morning services. When my DD became a Bat Mitvah on 3-21, we had invited 70 people but there were easily 150-175 in the sanctuary due to the families that come to services every Saturday.

As far as the not reading goes, in the ones my kids have gone to, it is generally a situation of the family not belonging to a shul, the child has never gone to Hebrew School, etc. So, the family throws something together at a hotel with a few prayers and calls it a Bat Mitzvah. My DD's best friend is Orthodox. Their family is planning her Bat Mitzvah to be at their shul, but on a Sunday.

 

[Cindy B]

Just curious, how did he read the Torah? Did they go somewhere else and a Torah brought in? Because you simply cannot close off a synagogue on Shabbat to other worshippers.

I don't know. I didn't go. My son didn't go either.

The mother of the girl stated there were 8 people there and the rabbi and cantor. (I guess you need 10?) It was held the week prior to the party.

The mother said she wasn't as nervous with only a few people there. I really don't know about the Torah part. I'm pretty certain the ceremony was during the week though because the daughter had to leave school.

It was a very short conversation with the mother. The mothers words were small, meaningful and everyone was on the dias?... I don't know what that means, but you might.

Can you have a private Bar/Bat Mitzvah for family only? I've seen private christenings and baptisms... so I'm just wondering. A totally different thing, but funerals are sometimes private as well. (My great grandmothers was)

 

[robinb]

My Dh's family is Jewish and I have been to many Bar Mitzvahs and Bat Mitzvahs. They are members of Reform congregations so things are usually done in about an hour to 90 minutes tops. I attended my friend's DD's Bat Mitzvah at a Conservative congregation last year and it went on for over 3 hours. We were warned in advance . It could be that if the OP's niece wasn't Jewish so wasn't expected to sit through a long service and was not invited.

It also just occurred to me that the niece was invited to both but only showed up to the party. That would have explained the grandmother's behavior somewhat.

 

[ilisao]

My Dh's family is Jewish and I have been to many Bar Mitzvahs and Bat Mitzvahs. They are members of Reformed congregations so things are usually done in about an hour to 90 minutes tops. I attended my friend's DD's Bat Mitzvah at a Conservative congregation last year and it went on for over 3 hours. We were warned in advance . It could be that if the OP's niece wasn't Jewish so wasn't expected to sit through a long service and was not invited.

It also just occurred to me that the niece was invited to both but only showed up to the party. That would have explained the grandmother's behavior somewhat.

It's Reform, not reformed.

 

[robinb]

It's Reform, not reformed.

Obviously I'm the atheist in the family .

 

[lilyv]

Obviously I'm the atheist in the family .

And yet, your dis buddies still think very highly of you!

 

[LisaNJ25]

Then you offer two services on that day or create an overflow area in a church hall or other area where the audio (and possibly the video) of the service could be broadcast. I would never ever turn people away from church. I'm actually quite embarassed to think that this happens in my faith.

I apologize if this is off topic. I just think it's kind of an interesting discussion.

Some churches are just not big enough to do this. Like I said with my dd there are 16 kids. They also split the service into 4 different times/dates. There are over 60 kids this year having their first communion. Sure, I could put on the invitations everyone come to the church, but that would be rude and inconsiderate to the family of the other boy and girls who are also having their communion during the same time. Will they turn anyone away at the door? No.

It doesnt embrass me at all... than again. I am not even Catholic.

 

[ilisao]

I don't know. I didn't go. My son didn't go either.

The mother of the girl stated there were 8 people there and the rabbi and cantor. (I guess you need 10?) It was held the week prior to the party.

The mother said she wasn't as nervous with only a few people there. I really don't know about the Torah part. I'm pretty certain the ceremony was during the week though because the daughter had to leave school.

It was a very short conversation with the mother. The mothers words were small, meaningful and everyone was on the dias?... I don't know what that means, but you might.

Can you have a private Bar/Bat Mitzvah for family only? I've seen private christenings and baptisms... so I'm just wondering. A totally different thing, but funerals are sometimes private as well. (My great grandmothers was)

Well, sure, if it is not held in a synagogue and if the child doesn't read from the Torah (unless someone just happens to have a Torah handy). But you cannot close off the synagogue during services.

 

[JennyMominRI]

My Dh's family is Jewish and I have been to many Bar Mitzvahs and Bat Mitzvahs. They are members of Reform congregations so things are usually done in about an hour to 90 minutes tops. I attended my friend's DD's Bat Mitzvah at a Conservative congregation last year and it went on for over 3 hours. We were warned in advance . It could be that if the OP's niece wasn't Jewish so wasn't expected to sit through a long service and was not invited.
.

Reform services can really vary a lot...Some feel more *Conservative* than others.. I've been to some where services are almost entirely in Hebrew to ones where very little is, where most everyone keeps Kosher to very few that do..I've been to one that regulary had 3 hour Saturday services with long bar Mitzvahs

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

It also just occurred to me that the niece was invited to both but only showed up to the party. That would have explained the grandmother's behavior somewhat.

Yes, that's what I suggested in an earlier post. I think this is a definite possibility. My DH is getting baptized/confirmed soon. We're not going to send out invitations or anything like that but we will probably invite people back to our house for some food after the service. I think I would find it pretty odd if people started showing up who didn't bother going to the service. I certainly wouldn't send them away or say anything about it. But maybe that's some insight into how this family might have thought about the OP's DNeice??

I'm not trying to make excuses. I think the behaviour was inexusable, especially toward a child but, again, I'm just trying to make sense of this.

 

[robinb]

Reform services can really vary a lot...Some feel more *Conservative* than others.. I've been to some where services are almost entirely in Hebrew to ones where very little is, where most everyone keeps Kosher to very few that do..I've been to one that regulary had 3 hour Saturday services with long bar Mitzvahs

Well ... I guess what I am saying is that perhaps the service was quite long at that congregation and the parents did not invite the non-Jewish kids. I know that my friends made sure that I knew that I could take a break with my (then) 7-year old DD anytime I wanted and no one would look down on us. After the first hour (which seems MUCH longer to an atheist) I was ready for a break ! The biggest problem was finding the right time to sneak out. It seemed that their DD was reading the whole service. She was amazing.

 

[tonilea]

Okay, I didn't read the whole thread, but this just smacks of a recent episode of the Wizards of Waverly Place, where two girls were invited to a party where the "winner" was the person who brought the biggest loser.

 

[MELSMICE]

If the girl really asked the & the grandmother really asked the girls to leave, it is just sad. Great role model for her grandaughter.

What is wrong with people?

 

[Disney1fan2002]

So, OP has your sister found out yet what was going on?

I talked to my sister today, to find out how my niece's day went yesterday. She said horrible. I got a little more clarification. It seems this "friend" has been trying make her way in with the "popular" crowd. She had been friends with my neice since last summer. The girl invited some of the popular girls to the party, so I guess, wanted to fit in, she decided once my niece showed up, she didn't fit with the kids she wanted to hang with. She wanted her and one other girl to leave. Originally, she told her mother to ask them to leave, but the mom was busy dealing with something, so she had her tell the grandmother. So it is not a case of senile granny after all. The mom was watching out the window when my sister pulled up.

There was no fight a few days before. My niece was completed blindsided. As far as the ceremony, I think it was a case of family and close friends at the ceremony, and school friends were invited to the party.

I didn't understand why my sister would not of marched into the house and demand an explanation. Hindsight, I think she took the higher road. She had a distraught 13yo she was dealing with, and going in would of made it worse for her.

As for why she sent off so many copies, I guess she felt that those she sent them to had a right to know what had gone on with this girl. She informed the Rabbi, not because she expects him to get involved, but to inform him of the lovely family in his Synagogue.