More teen drama....WWYD?

[JLTraveling]

From my perspective: spending a full week with someone day and night (and gifting them with a thousand dollar or more trip) is not something that you do for a casual friend or someone you are just beginning to get really close to. I would only want to commit that kind of money and time to a kid I knew my child had a history of being able to be with for long periods (also because maybe the new friend will be out by the time January rolls around and after finally payment you really can't change WHO is going without very good reason--like a medical issue with a paper trail). I would also want to have enough experience around the child to know that I could stand her around for the entire week on MY vacation, know that i could trust her, etc. I would want to have a strong relationship with the child's parents and feel I knew where we stood with them and could work everything out.
So to me, if they have been fast friends for a long time and this was planned that is okay. If the friendship breaks up (for whatever reason or no reason at all) and the child prefers to go with only family that is okay too. But the child does not get to pick and choose just anyone to come along (and be paid for) on EVERYONE'S vacation and be fickle about the invites and change things around later. Maybe on a future trip--if another close friend is involved in the girl's life then she can take someone else--but not this trip this late in the game.
That would be my approach and reasoning anyway.

ITA with this entire post. My father and I brought my adult cousin and her husband down for a two-week Disney trip last year. She and I had been like sisters when we were kids, but hadn't spent a lot of time together in the past few years. We knew the husband, kind of, but hadn't spent much time with him. The entire trip was a DISASTER, and they're both in their late 20s. Not no way, not no how would I pay for even half of a trip for a new BFF. You all have to live with this new child for a week, and you personally have to take responsibility for her on a ship/in foreign countries. Way too many things that could go wrong. I agree that if DD develops a new BFF over time, then there's no reason not to take her on a future trip. But doing it now, for this trip? That's just asking for trouble. It's also teaching your daughter that she gets to control the family vacations (like you said, you don't want to hear her whine until January. She knows this and knows she can push your buttons and get you to cave in). It sets a dangerous precedent IMO.

 

[mickeysgal]

We now have two out of the three kids in college - they're off doing their own thing, working summers for spending money, etc. How I wish we could allign everyone's schedules for a major vacation like a cruise together. I'd look on the bright side of these latest developments. Go and enjoy each other as a family. Despite all the protests from DD, she will be fine without another friend to distract her. Scale down to one cabin and save the money. Enjoy every moment together...next thing you know they're off to school and you wonder where the time as gone.

 

[Magpie]

I agree 100% that my daughter has the right to be friends with whom she chooses. I also have the right about who I'm going to give a $1000 + gift to. As I posted earlier, because of the cost of this cruise we almost didn't invite Jane in the first place.

DH and I spoke about it this morning. We've decided to tell DD that if new best friend wants to come, parents can pony up $500 towards the trip. It won't recoup all expenses, but it will be a compromise that I can live with. I'll pay part of the cost, and I won't have to listen to "I'm going to die of lack of socialization" for the next 4 months.

If the parents chose not to send her, then the second room will be cancelled and DD will be in the same room with DH and I. Probably complaining and whining about it until we get on the ship in January.

Wow - you're nicer than I would be!

I have a 14yo daughter. We would cancel the extra room and she would share the same room with us. Complaining and whining would not be tolerated. Not so much as a peep. Because I won't listen to it.

As far as I'm concerned, the compromise was uninviting Jane. No further compromise is needed. This new BFF is not someone I know well enough, or can trust will still be around in four months time. If by next year she's still the BFF, THEN I'll discuss bringing her along on a trip.

I'm mean like that...

 

[NHdisneylover]

Wow - you're nicer than I would be!

I have a 14yo daughter. We would cancel the extra room and she would share the same room with us. Complaining and whining would not be tolerated. Not so much as a peep. Because I won't listen to it.

As far as I'm concerned, the compromise was uninviting Jane. No further compromise is needed. This new BFF is not someone I know well enough, or can trust will still be around in four months time. If by next year she's still the BFF, THEN I'll discuss bringing her along on a trip.

I'm mean like that...

On a recent thread I mentioned I remember you as a poster because we parent a lot alike. I read this and think--yep that is why

 

[mickeysgal]

This new BFF is not someone I know well enough, or can trust will still be around in four months time. If by next year she's still the BFF, THEN I'll discuss bringing her along on a trip.

I'm mean like that...

I'm not sure if that is mean, but really more practical. You have to make sure the new friend is going to gel with OP's DD. You're also taking a certain measure of risk taking someone else's child out of the country. Medical, safety, judgement, and temperment issues come into play. I would only do that with a child we, as a family, knew very, very well.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm not sure if that is mean, but really more practical. You have to make sure the new friend is going to gel with OP's DD. You're also taking a certain measure of risk taking someone else's child out of the country. Medical, safety, judgement, and temperment issues come into play. I would only do that with a child we, as a family, knew very, very well.

Oh you are very right--but so often 14 year olds do not see it that way--they see it as being mean Especially 14 year olds who think going on a cruise without the a friend is boring and not fair and worth whining over

 

[mickeysgal]

Oh you are very right--but so often 14 year olds do not see it that way--they see it as being mean Especially 14 year olds who think going on a cruise without the a friend is boring and not fair and worth whining over

I know. I say let them whine. Bring a book - or homework. They snap out of it pretty quickly and it could really be a great family adventure/experience.

 

[wenrob]

I agree 100% that my daughter has the right to be friends with whom she chooses. I also have the right about who I'm going to give a $1000 + gift to. As I posted earlier, because of the cost of this cruise we almost didn't invite Jane in the first place.

DH and I spoke about it this morning. We've decided to tell DD that if new best friend wants to come, parents can pony up $500 towards the trip. It won't recoup all expenses, but it will be a compromise that I can live with. I'll pay part of the cost, and I won't have to listen to "I'm going to die of lack of socialization" for the next 4 months.

If the parents chose not to send her, then the second room will be cancelled and DD will be in the same room with DH and I. Probably complaining and whining about it until we get on the ship in January.

I generally stay out of the "parenting threads" and I hope you believe me when I say I'm not judging but this really feels to me like you got seriously played by your DD.
I've read the entire thread and through the whole thing have thought if it were my DD (who is also 14) that if she did not want this friend to come, then plain and simple she wouldn't come. Honestly I wouldn't even press for what happened that's between them. That said teen girls have a way of being meaner to each other than any other creature on the planet and no doubt this isn't a one sided thing. How do I say this? Someone mentioned 'mean girls' earlier, this just smacks of that. Think of the story you told about what happened when your bff invited another girl on vacation instead of you. Only you could know for sure but I certainty wouldn't be taking another kid just to appease the boredom plea. She decided not to have Jane along, she's 14, surely she can entertain herself.

 

[tlbwriter]

And this cruise is in January? Honestly, I'd be a little surprised if anyone you don't already know agreed to let you take their child out of the country in 5 months.

 

[tammymacb]

Honestly, I'm already second guessing myself.

I had planned Allure prior to inviting Jane. ( Because of the price tag ) When we decided to include her, I changed to FOS because it was more affordable. I'm thinking I'm going to switch back to Allure, a room for 3 and not discuss it anymore.

I told my DH this morning, I don't know if I can do another 4 years of this crap. Teenage years aren't my favorite.

Also adding- though I think I'm going with the above plan- "new best friend" has been around for a bit. We took the 3 girls to Hilton Head in June this year. So she's not a complete stranger. I just don't think I'm ready to drag her across the Caribbean yet.

 

[tlbwriter]

I know how you feel about wanting to take a companion for your DD - mine is an only child, and it's so much more fun when we're able to join up with a friend. But I think I'd make this one a family-only trip!

 

[disykat]

Why cave now and let her invite a different friend? I don't get it.

I think you were right about not letting her invite someone different. It's one thing not making her spend someone vacation with someone she's not getting along with, it's an entirely different thing letting her invite and uninvite various people.

 

[mickeysgal]

Honestly, I'm already second guessing myself.

I had planned Allure prior to inviting Jane. ( Because of the price tag ) When we decided to include her, I changed to FOS because it was more affordable. I'm thinking I'm going to switch back to Allure, a room for 3 and not discuss it anymore.

I told my DH this morning, I don't know if I can do another 4 years of this crap. Teenage years aren't my favorite.

Also adding- though I think I'm going with the above plan- "new best friend" has been around for a bit. We took the 3 girls to Hilton Head in June this year. So she's not a complete stranger. I just don't think I'm ready to drag her across the Caribbean yet.

Oh, hands down I'd go on Allure. Chicago, the musical will be on board!

And I say this in the nicest way possible, at 14 you're just revving up. We're on teen #3 and each ride has been different. Wait until the boyfriend/girlfriend drama begins, who's breaking up with who and why, why is she dating him when he just broke up with so-and-so, the newly liscensed teenager, the college search and that stress and drama, etc. That's why I said earlier, family alone time on vacation may not be such a bad thing. It takes you out of your normal routine and it's stresses and puts you in a place where you can relax, enjoy, talk, laugh with each other. Everyone needs a little bonding every once in awhile, even the most close of families. It lays a good foundation for when the seas get a little rough at home with various other issues that crop up (pun intended).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly, I'm already second guessing myself.

I had planned Allure prior to inviting Jane. ( Because of the price tag ) When we decided to include her, I changed to FOS because it was more affordable. I'm thinking I'm going to switch back to Allure, a room for 3 and not discuss it anymore.

I told my DH this morning, I don't know if I can do another 4 years of this crap. Teenage years aren't my favorite.

Also adding- though I think I'm going with the above plan- "new best friend" has been around for a bit. We took the 3 girls to Hilton Head in June this year. So she's not a complete stranger. I just don't think I'm ready to drag her across the Caribbean yet.

Mine are 19 and almost 14 (next week). I love the teen years. However DH and I do not tolerate manipulation and so they do not try to manipulate. Well they do try sometimes however they know we don't put up with that kind of stuff.

What we do is sit down like adults and discuss the situation and come to a resolution. Game playing is something we do for fun and not how we handle life.

I would tell my dd that Jane is not going, I am getting the Allure room, and if she whines about the situation I will punish her with grounding until she can learn some respect for the home. If your dd is Ms. Social she will be easy to make comply to your demands for appropriate behavior.

Think if it as a valuable lesson and practice for the future. Manipulating the manipulator is actually easier than you think.

Trust me, she will move on and not give it another thought once she knows that the deal is done and she has no negotiating power.

 

[robinb]

Here is what sticks out to me the most...

your DD spends all that time away with her father, comes home and hangs out with Jane (no problem there) but after that initial get together Jane is no longer around and says your DD has changed.
What did your DD do while she was with her father that she told Jane about??
I think Jane wants to go because she is hoping your DD returns to her old self.

Something your DD said or did has made Jane uncomfortable. There is a reason you do not know specifics.
I dont mean any of this in a mean way towards you, OP, but I really think you may have bigger issues than the cruise.

I know you said you looked into it--and it may be just a simple jealousy over minor issues thing but please keep your eyes open. This is the first thing I thought of too. When I taught Jr High I saw some similar situations and almost every time the "changed" girl had done things with the new crowd that made the other girl very uncomfortable--generally drugs or sexual acts--and the changed one was offended when the the old friends expressed her opinions on the matter. Hopefully you are not dealing with anything of the sort but at this age it is always good to really keep an eye out--and you may also want to communicate a lot with her father if you are not already. See if he knows what went on with friends this summer.

The timing of just coming back from the father's house struck me too, especially when the OP said that she always come home a little "different". That alone would be a red flag for me, but add to that the DD and Jane's strange behavior I would probably be worried about a lot more than Girl Drama. I am usually not one to jump on the conspiracy theory band wagon but I think *something* went on at the dad's house and that *something* was shared with Jane. It could be sex, drugs, alcohol or maybe (I hate to even type it) abuse. Tammy, I would keep a watchful eye on your DD and look for other signs that something may have happened over the summer {{hugs}}.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, seeing that the OP brought Jane to the airport to pick up her DD, and did not find it necessary to have some private time and private conversation with her DD, to see how things were with her DD after spending those weeks away with her bio-father.... obviously the OP is not choosing to be terribly concerned.

As for the latest developments, I would have to say that heck would freeze over before my child would simply switch-out friends and have that much say-so and manipulation.

 

[mickeysgal]

Well, seeing that the OP brought Jane to the airport to pick up her DD, and did not find it necessary to have some private time and private conversation with her DD, to see how things were with her DD after spending those weeks away with her bio-father.... obviously the OP is not choosing to be terribly concerned.

That's harsh. I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that the OP is not concerned because she brought a friend with her for a simple ride to/from an airport and didn't designate that time as private conversation time. There are other private times to talk other than the immediate minutes after a plane lands. Also, you can often pick up on important things just sitting back, listening, and observing two friends together.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Honestly, I'm already second guessing myself.

I had planned Allure prior to inviting Jane. ( Because of the price tag ) When we decided to include her, I changed to FOS because it was more affordable. I'm thinking I'm going to switch back to Allure, a room for 3 and not discuss it anymore.

I told my DH this morning, I don't know if I can do another 4 years of this crap. Teenage years aren't my favorite.

Also adding- though I think I'm going with the above plan- "new best friend" has been around for a bit. We took the 3 girls to Hilton Head in June this year. So she's not a complete stranger. I just don't think I'm ready to drag her across the Caribbean yet.

I think that is a great course of action. You get a better vacation. Your DD does not have to travel with someone who is no longer a friend (I still wonder why, but it IS possible they have just drifted apart or that Jane is getting into things your DD does not want to be a part of), but your DD is not learning that she gets to control the family vacations (which she should not--and is not going to be a good precedent for the teen years) and, honestly at this age some time with just the three of you is probably a really good thing.

BTW--I am an only child (a real one) and managed to enjoy family vacations just fine. She will too.

 

[tammymacb]

Well, seeing that the OP brought Jane to the airport to pick up her DD, and did not find it necessary to have some private time and private conversation with her DD, to see how things were with her DD after spending those weeks away with her bio-father.... obviously the OP is not choosing to be terribly concerned.

As for the latest developments, I would have to say that heck would freeze over before my child would simply switch-out friends and have that much say-so and manipulation.

Again, why are you posting here? This answer has NOTHING to do with the question I posted. It's understood. You don't like my parenting style. I pretty much don't like you. Lets just leave it at that and not post on each others threads?

 

[KiKi Mouse]

I would sit DD down and talk to her and lay it on the line if you haven't already. Find out if this is a friendhsip that can be salvaged and DD would still want Jane on the cruise. Otherwise I would talk to Jane and explain that since it appears that the friendship is over that there is no point in her coming along on the cruise.
I remember when I was that age and friendships came and went. There were times me and my girlfriends had a falling out and wouldn't speak for a while. Not sure how I would have felt if my parents forced me to share a room with one of them if we weren't on speaking terms.
I would explain the situation to the parents.