More and more people expecting grandparents to watch kids?

[connorlevismom]

Is it just me or are there more and more people having kids and then expecting the grandparents to watch them all the time so they can go have fun? I am 34 and have one 5 year old son. Growing up my mom always drilled it into my head that if I chose to have a kid, then it is my responsibility as a parent to take care of that child. That you give up your free and fun time to be a parent.

I have three nieces that are 30, 25 and 25 that have kids and my brothers and sisters (their g-parents) are watching those kids CONTANTLY. 2 of my nieces drop their kids off at their g-parents every single weekend for the whole weekend because they need breaks. What? My one niece probably watches her kid 3 nights a week at most and the other nights he is being watched by his grandpa or his aunts (my sister) because she needs a break.

On occasion I will ask my parents if they will watch my son if I have an appointment that I cannot bring him to or something like that. But I don't think I have ever asked if they could watch him so that DH and I could go out. If we want to go out, we hire a babysitter! Maybe I just don't understand this at all but is with the need for "breaks" several times a week?

I must admit that my sister (my sons godmother) has watched my son for 5-7 days for the last couple of years so that DH and I could go on vacation alone. We appreciated that more than anyone will ever know. But we are expecting #2 and she told me that this last vacation we went on would be our last because she does not want to watch 2 kids. I totally get that and respect that it would be a lot of work. All of the times she has watched him she offered first, I did not ask her.

So is it just me or are things really changing in the way people parent these days?

Kristine

 

[LWatson]

I know my parents offer to take the kids when we are in for a night so that DH and I can have dinner out. I dont think its that they are raising my children, but that they want their time alone w/ the grandkids. They are also watching them for 5day next year so I can go on vacation w/ Hubby for our honeymoon that we never had. I dont know of too many people that babysit anymore because of the liability. I know that there are alot of home daycares, but I dont want to pay an enrollment fee and weekly fee for just like 5hrs a week if that. I dont go out w/ hubby (when he is stateside) that often. When I go home in 3wks my parents are watching my kids so that I can go have girl time with my sister for my birthday on a thursday night. I would never think that that is having my parents raise my kids.

 

[mom_2_K'Lynn]

I do agree with you. I too have family that is always looking for babysitters. Honestly it is every weekend that either grandparents are watching them or a babysitter. I think it has just become a convenience of not paying someone that people think its okay. Most people also rationale that they should get to spend time with their grandparents. My daughter does on occassion spend a weekend at my parents house but my mom is the one who calls and asks because we live 35 minutes away we don't get over there as often as I would like. I think there is a difference in kids going to their grandparents to spend time and going their because they needed a babysitter. Our fun time is spent going somewhere my daughter can go with us which seems like a break for us from the same old thing but still fun for all of us. I agree completely and don't know if that will change or if its a new common trend.

Lwatson........I don't think what you are saying is them raising your kids. That is okay but I do agree that when people say its because they need a break or it becomes at least every weekend, its time to grow up. In your sitution, of course go take the honeymoon, thats not the same!! Have fun on your honeymoon!!! Someday I will get on ours that we never had, but my husband seems to think that any vacation we go on is something our daughter would love and signs her up to come with!!!

 

[connorlevismom]

I know my parents offer to take the kids when we are in for a night so that DH and I can have dinner out. I dont think its that they are raising my children, but that they want their time alone w/ the grandkids. They are also watching them for 5day next year so I can go on vacation w/ Hubby for our honeymoon that we never had. I dont know of too many people that babysit anymore because of the liability. I know that there are alot of home daycares, but I dont want to pay an enrollment fee and weekly fee for just like 5hrs a week if that. I dont go out w/ hubby (when he is stateside) that often. When I go home in 3wks my parents are watching my kids so that I can go have girl time with my sister for my birthday on a thursday night. I would never think that that is having my parents raise my kids.

What your talking about is TOTALLY different than what I am talking about. I am talking about people who expect (as in tell) the grandparents they are going to watch their kids 3 times a week and all weekend long. That is not the same as what you are saying.

Kristine

 

[Leleluvsdis]

DH's brother and wife are this way. She is due Friday with their second, and DH's mom is always watching their 3yo. Always has, since he was 2 weeks old. It's really irritating. DH's mom picks him up from the sitter at least 3 nights a week, and they come to her house basically every night. Their reason is it gives him time to play, but they have a huge house, and he has basically every toy there is. When they go to grandma's house they sit on the couch and watch tv while someone else watched their 3yo. They won't take him anywhere. they will take him to grandma's just to go to the grocery store. It's really agrivating. We only have a 4 legged child, but we take her everywhere or pay someone to keep her while we are gone if we can't take her. DH's mom has only kept her twice, and that was b/c she asked to keep her while we were gone.
So basically I agree completly with you. It really bugs me. Everyone keeps asking when are ya'll going to have kids??? And the reason is simply we go and do so much. We aren't ready to settle down, so why have kids for someone else to keep them all the time.

 

[LWatson]

What your talking about is TOTALLY different than what I am talking about. I am talking about people who expect (as in tell) the grandparents they are going to watch their kids 3 times a week and all weekend long. That is not the same as what you are saying.

Kristine

Sorry I got defensive I just got into a discussion about this with someone who told me that what I'm doing is wrong. I live 23hrs from my parents and they really like taking the boys on some nights so they can spoil them with pizza, icecream, soda (things we dont give them)...Only while we are in though...we dont just fly them there for a night out...lol.

 

[connorlevismom]

Sorry I got defensive I just got into a discussion about this with someone who told me that what I'm doing is wrong. I live 23hrs from my parents and they really like taking the boys on some nights so they can spoil them with pizza, icecream, soda (things we dont give them)...Only while we are in though...we dont just fly them there for a night out...lol.

No need to be sorry. In your case, I think it is totally natual for the g-parents to take the kids. It is not like they see them all the time.

Kristine

 

[tartemis]

I agree that there are way too many people in my generation (late 20's/early 30's) that are taking advantage of Grandparents in this manner.

Frankly, however, I blame the Grandparents. They are (1) enabling the behavior and (2) obviously raised their kids in such a way that the kids think this is acceptable behavior.

Of course, asking a grandparent (or anybody) to help out every once in a while is fine -- but needing a "break" every weekend is in a different league.

 

[Leleluvsdis]

I agree that there are way too many people in my generation (late 20's/early 30's) that are taking advantage of Grandparents in this manner.

Frankly, however, I blame the Grandparents. They are (1) enabling the behavior and (2) obviously raised their kids in such a way that the kids think this is acceptable behavior.

Of course, asking a grandparent (or anybody) to help out every once in a while is fine -- but needing a "break" every weekend is in a different league.

In our case my BIL and SIL will call our MIL and say I need you to pick up son, I need to go to the grocery store, or I'm tired, I want to rest, or they will go to my MIL's house and stay til 11pm or 12pm while their 3yo is still up, or my mil takes him upstairs and puts him to bed after contiously saying diesn't he need to go to bed??? shouldn't ya'll head home so he can go to bed?

LWatson, I think your case is completly different. Its the situation my parents are in. My brother is in the army, and my parent's may get to see their kids 3 or 4 times a year, so my parents are always saying why don't ya'll have date night, or ya'll can stay in and we'll take the kids out, when we are visiting them, or they come home.

 

[emma'smom]

My parents moved closer to us so that they could spend time with their grandchildren. My mother handles snow days and watches them when both DH and I have meetings and/or the occasional night out (once a month we participate in a supper club with three other couples). We are over there lots of time as a whole family as well. My parents enjoy spending time with my children and they enjoy their grandparents. Works out well for all of us!

We used to pay babysitters....but at 8-10.00 an hour--a night out adds up. Plus, there was the cleaning the house to perfection before having a sitter in here, making sure we're back early, driving a sitter home, etc. It's just easier to drop the kids off at my parents house.

 

[okeydokey]

My Mom's best friend agreed to watch her grandchild because Mom and dad couldn't afford daycare. They then proceeded to have 4 more children. She is trapped into providing full time childcare for 8 or more years. She just can't say no to them. I think it's reprehensible of the kids to have children they can't afford to raise themselves while expecting that retired grandma will put her life on hold for all those years.

 

[Stellapedia]

My SIL is constantly pawning her kids off on my MIL. They live 10 hours away, and she brings them here all the time to drop them off with MIL. She doesn't care for her kids, doesn't want to spend time with them, she'll show up unannounced at times (mind you, from 10 hours away) and just leave them there. Never asks, never says thank you. My MIL does it because, I don't know. But she doesn't always enjoy it. I even offer to take the boys from her sometimes (from my MIL, not my SIL) so she can get a break from them! SIL is a total loser as a parent, so this is to be expected. She's also never paid anything, and never offered to help with household bills or chores even though she spends 2 weeks/month with MIL and FIL, because she doesn't like living in GA.

My in-laws have never once watched either of my children for anything, other than us being at their house, realizing we need to pick something up at Target, and running up there for 15-20 minutes while the boy#1 plays with papa. My dad watches boy#1 for about an hour a week while boy#2 has OT because it is the only appt I can't get off work to cover. My dad loves it. He's also, I think twice, watched him for 2-3 hours so we could just go do something alone, and probably 4-5 times when my wife needed to take exams in the middle of the day and I couldn't get off work to take him. This is only the potty trained well behaved boy#1. I'd never leave the baby with him unless it's an emergency. He never kept boy#1 alone until he was about 18 months, save for ~3 hours when wife was in the hospital and I needed to visit her and take her some supplies.

My dad enjoys it, and my grandparents had me all the time when I was younger (single dad who was a doctor= crazy schedule), and I think he feels he has something to "repay." But he really loves it and gets bummed when for whatever reason he doesn't get his hour with him!

 

[tzolkin]

I agree with most of your post. I've recently had arguments with my brother because he has invited DH & I out at the last minute and assumed that I could just drop my kids off at my parents'. (We always decline.) He and his wife are expecting their first child this summer and I'm sure they plan on using my parents for babysitting on a weekly basis.

However, I don't really understand this part...

On occasion I will ask my parents if they will watch my son if I have an appointment that I cannot bring him to or something like that. But I don't think I have ever asked if they could watch him so that DH and I could go out. If we want to go out, we hire a babysitter!

Why is it okay for grandparents to watch the kids if you have an appointment, but not if you want to go on a "date"? I understand not taking advantage of them or assuming they will be available, but I don't see what the difference is between having grandparents or a relative watch the kids and paying a stranger. I've never hired a babysitter, so maybe I'm missing something.

My parents live 8 mins away, but only watch my kids 3-4 times per year. Usually twice if DH & I have an event to attend or if I have something going on during the day when DH is at work. And once or twice a year they take the older kids out somewhere and let them spend the night.

One of my two sisters will watch our kids once every 2-3 months for DH and I to go out.

 

[connorlevismom]

I agree with most of your post. I've recently had arguments with my brother because he has invited DH & I out at the last minute and assumed that I could just drop my kids off at my parents'. (We always decline.) He and his wife are expecting their first child this summer and I'm sure they plan on using my parents for babysitting on a weekly basis.

However, I don't really understand this part...


Why is it okay for grandparents to watch the kids if you have an appointment, but not if you want to go on a "date"? I understand not taking advantage of them or assuming they will be available, but I don't see what the difference is between having grandparents or a relative watch the kids and paying a stranger. I've never hired a babysitter, so maybe I'm missing something.

My parents live 8 mins away, but only watch my kids 3-4 times per year. Usually twice if DH & I have an event to attend or if I have something going on during the day when DH is at work. And once or twice a year they take the older kids out somewhere and let them spend the night.

One of my two sisters will watch our kids once every 2-3 months for DH and I to go out.

I think what your asking me is why I don't hire a babysitter if I have an appointment instead of asking my parents. Is this right? I just want to make sure that I undertand what your asking before I answer.

Kristine

 

[fussymonkey]

I think each family, and each grandparent, is different. In some families raising children is a collaborative effort between the child's parents and grandparents, where the grandparents may watch the children while the parents work or participate in other activities. In other families the parents bear sole responsibility and the grandparents don't want to watch the children at all. Both are acceptable, I suppose.

My DH's mom was watching our kids two days per week while DH and I worked. It saved us a fortune on daycare. Can we afford to have them in daycare full time? sure. But the savings was tremendously helpful and allowed us to do other things with the kids like vacations, etc. My MIL is an awesome grandma, and she loves doing it, and we really appreciate it. That said, we don't ever ask her to watch the kids for anything else becuase she's already doing so much.

If I were staying home with my kids, though, I'd drop them off with her for a few hours every week so that she'd get to play with them and 'grandma' them. I would sure as heck rather have MIL watch the kids than a babysitter when we go out for date night. I have 100% faith in MIL. Our babysitter is great but still a teenage girl.

As far as taking advantage of grandparents to- when you raise a child to be selfish and indulged, and you do everything for that child, you can't be surprised when they have thier own kids and want to continue being selfish and indulged and have you do everything for them. Grandparents have nobody to blame but themselves here and thier inability to say no.

 

[TiggerD]

I think in some cases there are a few children who take advantage of their parents when it comes to dropping the grnadchildren off. I, on the other hand, could not wait to become a grandmother and when my first grandson was born, I took care of him 5 days a week from the time he was 3 months old till he turned 4 and my dil had our 2nd grandson and is now a stay at home mom. I loved being with him those formative years and we are still very close. We have special days called Mimi and Ty days and we do things together. My youngest son and his wife are expecting next month their first, another grandson for us and my dil mother has volunteered to watch him when she goes back to work. I will be the back up. We are a close knit family and we even take vacations together. My grandchildren are my world and I look forward to each and every visit we have with them.

That being said, I know there are some out there who take advantage of their parents and it is a sad thing in some cases.

 

[ktlm]

My mom is with my 3 year old at my house almost every weekday afternoon and also watches her about 1 night every month or two so we can go to an event and for games during football season. Occasionally we go to her house on the weekend and take Mom to eat and maybe run a couple of errands, or very rarely see a movie while DD plays at the house. We do that in part because I feel bad Mom has bought a bunch of toys for her house (over my objection) and DD isn't there that often to play with them. However, my Mom is a widow who was horribly lonely and bored UNTIL DD was born. DD gave her back a life and makes her happy again. Mom goes nuts when she doesn't get to spend time with her. Sometimes it bugs me that she spends so much time with her because she spoils her and teaches her some bad habits and she has a bad habit of contradicting me both behind my back and in front of DD or of sometimes acting like she's the Mom when I'm right there. Even so, I can't take that time away from her because I know how miserable she was before. It has nothing to do with money or with DH or I not wanting to spend as much time with DD as we can. My Mom would go absolutely ballistic and be completely hurt if I hired a babysitter or sent DD to daycare rather than having her watch DD. I would never hear the end of it. I worry about what she is going to do with her time when DD is in school full time. When I was a kid, I was at my Grandma's 5 mornings a week while my Mom worked. I can tell you both my Grandma (also a widow) and I loved it. It made us extremely close.

 

[PatricenPete]

I agree. I rarely ask anyone for help watching our kids. Some people think that I am crazy, but my son is almost 5 and I havent missed one day of his life. I have been there every day since birth for my son, my daughter, and now my newborn. I pride myself in this. We chose to have a large family and I feel that the burden of raising that family should fall on us. When we go out, we go out together as a family. Occassionally we will go out to dinner and have my mom watch the kids, but those occassions are few and far between. I'm not saying this is the life for everyone, but it annoys me to no end when people have kids and just drop them off at grandma's so that they can still go and party every weekend - drives me nuts! I honestly think that my and my husband's relationship is so strong because we parent together - hell, we do everything together.

 

[WDWorBUST]

My mother has watched my daughter since she was 8 weeks old while I work. However it's because she WANTS to and didn't want her in daycare. Now am I much more comfortable with DD being with Grandma and Grandpa during the day (my dad has since retired) - YES!! I love it and dd is absolutely thrilled to stay with Nanny & Poppy. HOWEVER - the number of times they have watched her in 5 years so DH and I could go out I could count on my fingers - I might need toes but it is very limited. Since she is with them all the time it feels like I NEVER ask them to watch her outside of me working. And honestly most the times they have watched her outside of my normal hours were for work relation events. (and I had to go)

I do have a friend who it seems like her family has her children more than she does. I don't understand it at all. Honestly when I am home I WANT to be with DD.

 

[Worfiedoodles]

I just wish my ILs had any interest in ds -- It is a blended family, but my dh's parents divorced when he was three and my FIL and his wife (the other woman) have been married for 30 years, so it's not like she doesn't know FIL's children or their children. They watch dh's stepsister's kids constantly, even though she's a SAHM! Both kids are in school, they usually pick them up and keep them until the dad gets home from work and picks them up. I can't for the life of me understand why.

We ask them to watch ds maybe once a year -- well, we used to until we figured out they always had an excuse. We offer to come visit them (they live 1 hr away), we offer to meet them for a meal, you name it, they're always too busy -- even though they're retired.

My MIL is deceased, and my family is 1,500 miles away, so this is the only available grandparent ds has, and he just couldn't be less interested in my son or his other grandchildren. The other grandchildren moved to FL, he was only interested in visiting when my niece graduated from high school and my SIL hired an American Idol wannabe, then he hopped on a plane.

Anyway, yes, I do think there is a generation that expects their parents to raise their children, (I'm an "X", dh is a Boomer) and these are the same people who only want to do "meaningful" work (of course I want to do meaningful work, but sometimes you have to do drudge, too!), expect to show up on their schedule and think they should have stellar salaries right out of college. They feel entitled, and their parents raised them that way. I know it sounds like a sweeping generality and of course there are exceptions, but as a whole, this is what I'm seeing in my work place. These are the people who's parents call to see how their job interview went, and to press you to hire their little stars. Are you kidding me?!