money & big parties; wwyd?

[GoldieSaysMeep]

So... I need some WWYD advice.

I am a *very* frugral person and I budget for everything.

My bf & I have to attend some parties & weddings in the next few months. Like, literally one every week for the next month and then a small break and then two weddings right in a row. (These are for his friends. Not that I don't like them, I just don't have the 10+year history with them he has and don't really consider them my friends also yet, KWIM?).

We have been to a 30th bday that required me to get a gift and pay $15 to partake the buffet at the function as well as pitch in $20 for a gift (the invite said the $$$ was not "required" but appreciated...so who wants to be the one jerk who doesn't chip in, right?).

Next week, it's another bday where we are "not required but appreciated" to chip in cash to pay for a gift for another person's 30th bday & then pitch in to buy a bunch of pizzas.

For my 30th I went to WDW solo and relaxed for a long weekend & none of my friends have ever done big "rent a function room" type 30th bdays (so this was very foriegn to me but apparently they have done this for every member of their groups bday. )

Then there will be bridal showers & bachelorette parties for these two now 30yo's future wives & then their weddings.

Literally, all in the span of a month and half.

This hurts my budget & I'm touched that these people (they are awesome people) have invited me into their world like this and so,emotionally, I feel like a jerk for not wanting to break my budget to give these people money and gifts. If I was wealthy, and had tons of excess "fun money" I'd be all for it.

I've already had to cancel plans that cost "fun money" from my budget twice already. Am I wrong to not want to do so again? And I had to seriously downgrade bf & I's first anniversary (we were going to go to dinner and do a bunch of fun stuff that day, but after all this stuff, neither of us will have any fun money left for us so we're probably just going to stay home).

Bf & I have been together for a year. He knows how I feel about the money issue and agrees it sucks that these things are all hitting at once. But wants me to go to these things anyway, because he loves me and wants me with him and says his friends all like me and just wants me to either let him pay or for me to just go and not pitch in money.

Would you go to a party like this, or a wedding, or a shower and not pitch in? I feel awkward doing that.

I really can't afford to do all of these things though without putting a serious dent in my own budget. But supposedly, my presence is wanted more than my money.

I am not broke, fyi. I am just very strict w/ myself on my budget. Unfortunately, I consider dinners w/ my girlfriends & having a lavish "we've been together a year" dinner w/ bf to be WANTS and all this stuff w/ his friends to be NEEDS.

Okay... have at me. WWYD?

 

[firstmickey]

Honestly, I feel your pain. But I don't have any advice or answers other than to put misc gifts into your budget. I've been to three grad parties...have two more this weekend plus a baby shower, a wedding shower, and a wedding coming up. I also just got invited to a christening for twins. (kind of a bogus invite from a cousin who I suspect is looking for gifts because we usually don't do christenings with that side of the extended family).

I know that these people can't help that it's all happening at the same time but geez, I've spent approx $300 on gifts in the last 4 weeks. I honestly don't begrudge gifts for people but it gets overwhelming at times.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Do you guys live together?

 

[kelleigh1]

I'm not sure who else will agree with this, but the way I look at it, these are his friends. He is being invited to all these events and you are basically "and guest" and as such, I would think that it is up to him to provide a gift, not you. I don't think you should feel obligated to give a gift at every event.

You say you've been together for a year. Are you living together? Sharing expenses, etc? If not, then you're really just bf/gf (not trying to dimish your relationship, but I think it matters in how you handle things) and I couldn't see myself buying gifts for all these events if they are events for my bf's friends.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm not sure who else will agree with this, but the way I look at it, these are his friends. He is being invited to all these events and you are basically "and guest" and as such, I would think that it is up to him to provide a gift, not you. I don't think you should feel obligated to give a gift at every event.

You say you've been together for a year. Are you living together? Sharing expenses, etc? If not, then you're really just bf/gf (not trying to dimish your relationship, but I think it matters in how you handle things) and I couldn't see myself buying gifts for all these events if they are events for my bf's friends.

Agree 100%.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Do you guys live together?

No. Nor will we, ever, unless we were to get married some years down the road.

 

[lspst8]

If I chipped in on a group gift, I would not bring any other gifts. I personally wouldn't go to a wedding or shower without a gift. But it sounds like you aren't really close to any of these people (you wouldn't know them if you weren't dating your BF, right?). I wouldn't go to the wedding showers then .... I feel like showers are boring enough if the bride is your own close friend, so I would just RSVP no to any shower invites. You can also get out of bachlorette parties this way too if you happen to get invited. (I've only been to bachlorette parties where the guest list was less than 8 people and everyone was very good friends .... and we just did a night out. No weekend trips or spa days.)

And who are these people throwing themselves big 30th B-day parties and expecting everyone to pay their own way and bring a gift too! I've never heard of that ... and I'll be 30 next month, so most of my friends are around the same age. I've never once been invited to something like that. If I paid for my own dinner and drinks, I wouldn't bring a b-day gift at all because, as a grown-up, you can't have people pay for your party and want gifts too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No. Nor will we, ever, unless we were to get married some years down the road.

Then my answer is to have your BF pay for his friends gifts and you. If he is inviting you to be his guest he is obligated to pay for you.

He can be nice and add your name to a gift however he should be paying your way.

 

[lspst8]

Just wanted to add that I personally wouldn't have a problem with my fiance paying all of the expenses for these parties. We recently went to a wedding of a co-worker (and good friend) of mine, and I paid for the wedding gift in full. I didn't expect him to contribute. (We don't live together, and won't until after the wedding.)

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

You say you've been together for a year. Are you living together? Sharing expenses, etc? If not, then you're really just bf/gf (not trying to dimish your relationship, but I think it matters in how you handle things) and I couldn't see myself buying gifts for all these events if they are events for my bf's friends.

No, we don't/won't live together.

Sharing expenses? Not really, though he knows I would help him out in an emergency and I know he'd help me out in an emergency. He & I are pretty much in agreement on money.

I think the problem is, big events like this are common in his friends circle & his family. They are not common in mine. We don't do bdays. Brides over 30 (or brides with kids by & living w/ the groom) don't do showers & bachelorettes (or even really big weddings) in my circle & family, and the ones in my family under 30 don't want their old lady cousin hanging out

We hang out with his friends all the time. I like them. I wish I could get them all gifts. I am not really a "group" person. Most of my friends are random, don't know one another. I don't mind being with his friends, they are great, but I don't consider them "my friends" and if he and I were to split up, I don't know that I'd keep in touch with them.

I got my own invite to the first wedding. The second, they haven't sent invites out yet. The girls in the group have already asked me for input on showers/bachelorette ideas. I know they are trying to make me feel included. I don't think these things are "gift grabs" per se.

If it were just one or two things, it wouldn't bother me but it is pretty much one event every week for almost 2 months.

 

[kelleigh1]

And who are these people throwing themselves big 30th B-day parties and expecting everyone to pay their own way and bring a gift too! I've never heard of that ... and I'll be 30 next month, so most of my friends are around the same age. I've never once been invited to something like that. If I paid for my own dinner and drinks, I wouldn't bring a b-day gift at all because, as a grown-up, you can't have people pay for your party and want gifts too.

I'm thinking of planning my own 40th bday party next year. BUT, I'm not asking anyone to pay their own way. Never in a million years would I do that. We're also trying to find a way to indicate "no gifts" since all I really want is to have fun with my friends and family anyway.

 

[Nie0214]

I'm not sure who else will agree with this, but the way I look at it, these are his friends. He is being invited to all these events and you are basically "and guest" and as such, I would think that it is up to him to provide a gift, not you. I don't think you should feel obligated to give a gift at every event.

You say you've been together for a year. Are you living together? Sharing expenses, etc? If not, then you're really just bf/gf (not trying to dimish your relationship, but I think it matters in how you handle things) and I couldn't see myself buying gifts for all these events if they are events for my bf's friends.

Totally agree. It's his friends and you are being brought as the guest. You don't share finances. You wouldn't expect him to get a gift for your girlfriend's wedding, would you? If you want to chip in a little, go for it, but IMHO, I don't think it's your responsibility at all.

 

[NMAmy]

Then my answer is to have your BF pay for his friends gifts and you. If he is inviting you to be his guest he is obligated to pay for you.

He can be nice and add your name to a gift however he should be paying your way.

Yep, I agree. You're accompanying him as his guest. You wouldn't be attending if it weren't for him. He's offered and you should accept.

 

[kaytieeldr]

We have been to a 30th bday that required me to get a gift and pay $15 to partake the buffet at the function as well as pitch in $20 for a gift (the invite said the $$$ was not "required" but appreciated...so who wants to be the one jerk who doesn't chip in, right?).

Too late now, but I would have recommended one or the other, but not both.

For the upcoming events, the other posters are correct. Since they're your boyfriend's friends, it's really his responsibility to purchase gifts and 'cover' the food cost (quiet, Ronda, don't give your opinion on "guests" paying for their own party food... don't say it, I mean it, you know you'll just get in trouble... and while you're at it, don't reveal your feelings about a buffet that cost each "guest" $15....)

Would you go to a party like this, or a wedding, or a shower and not pitch in? I feel awkward doing that.

I would. You are their friends because of him. Let him buy the gifts and pay for the food (!?!?!?!). For the parties to which you alone are invited, be creative with the gifts. FTR, I wasn't aware a gift is involved with a bachelorette party; frankly, the host/s should be paying for everything. Ideally the respective fiancees' bridal party/family members don't have the same ideas about hosting such parties as the mens' friends/families have.

Then use your 'fun' money to celebrate your own anniversary. Even if you have to tone it down, at least go out somewhere and do something together - don't just stay home.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Thanks all.

I feel better now (and more sane!)

 

[DWGal210]

Well, since you are not married and/or not living together, I think the obligation for gifts rests with your bf since they are his friends. On the other side, if you go to a function that's your friends and the invitation is similar to the ones you've described, I would think you would have the responsibility for the gift.

I know what you mean, though, about the never-ending stream of gifts and events. My current thing is a slew of co-workers who are getting married and having babies - I feel bad not chipping in but I am watching my pennies too.

Hope that helps!

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

So... I need some WWYD advice.

I am a *very* frugral person and I budget for everything.

My bf & I have to attend some parties & weddings in the next few months. Like, literally one every week for the next month and then a small break and then two weddings right in a row. (These are for his friends. Not that I don't like them, I just don't have the 10+year history with them he has and don't really consider them my friends also yet, KWIM?).

We have been to a 30th bday that required me to get a gift and pay $15 to partake the buffet at the function as well as pitch in $20 for a gift (the invite said the $$$ was not "required" but appreciated...so who wants to be the one jerk who doesn't chip in, right?).

Next week, it's another bday where we are "not required but appreciated" to chip in cash to pay for a gift for another person's 30th bday & then pitch in to buy a bunch of pizzas.

For my 30th I went to WDW solo and relaxed for a long weekend & none of my friends have ever done big "rent a function room" type 30th bdays (so this was very foriegn to me but apparently they have done this for every member of their groups bday. )

Then there will be bridal showers & bachelorette parties for these two now 30yo's future wives & then their weddings.

Literally, all in the span of a month and half.

This hurts my budget & I'm touched that these people (they are awesome people) have invited me into their world like this and so,emotionally, I feel like a jerk for not wanting to break my budget to give these people money and gifts. If I was wealthy, and had tons of excess "fun money" I'd be all for it.

I've already had to cancel plans that cost "fun money" from my budget twice already. Am I wrong to not want to do so again? And I had to seriously downgrade bf & I's first anniversary (we were going to go to dinner and do a bunch of fun stuff that day, but after all this stuff, neither of us will have any fun money left for us so we're probably just going to stay home).

Bf & I have been together for a year. He knows how I feel about the money issue and agrees it sucks that these things are all hitting at once. But wants me to go to these things anyway, because he loves me and wants me with him and says his friends all like me and just wants me to either let him pay or for me to just go and not pitch in money.

Would you go to a party like this, or a wedding, or a shower and not pitch in? I feel awkward doing that.

I really can't afford to do all of these things though without putting a serious dent in my own budget. But supposedly, my presence is wanted more than my money.

I am not broke, fyi. I am just very strict w/ myself on my budget. Unfortunately, I consider dinners w/ my girlfriends & having a lavish "we've been together a year" dinner w/ bf to be WANTS and all this stuff w/ his friends to be NEEDS.

Okay... have at me. WWYD?

I did not read all the posts so forgive me if this has been dealt with. Are you telling me that people are running a party and they are asking the guests to chip in? Wow that is pretty low and tacky if you ask me.

I also want to say if one cannot afford a big party then don't have it! A party is about celebrating something and if someone has a milestone etc why should his friends have to pay for it?

Furthermore I want to applaud you for your discipline with your finances. If more people were like you then our country would not be struggling financially.

If BF is paying and they are "his" friends then they should consider you a couple.

And when it is your time for a party they will be married with kids and houses and not able to pay. I know I am being cynical but this whole party thing is just a further indication of the financial problems in our country.

I have run many parties in my time and I never ever ask guests to contribute. If I could not afford it I would scale it down till I could not not have it at all!

 

[Scurvy]

If I chipped in on a group gift, I would not bring any other gifts.
.....................................
And who are these people throwing themselves big 30th B-day parties and expecting everyone to pay their own way and bring a gift too! I've never heard of that ... and I'll be 30 next month, so most of my friends are around the same age. I've never once been invited to something like that. If I paid for my own dinner and drinks, I wouldn't bring a b-day gift at all because, as a grown-up, you can't have people pay for your party and want gifts too.

I agree completely with these points. If you participate in a group gift there is no reason at all for you to also give an individual gift.

It is really rude for them to "invite" you to pay your own way. If they are choosing to host a party then they need to actually host it, and not expect their guests to pay. That's just tacky. Now if these sorts of gatherings are the norm in your social circle then that's fine, but they aren't parties - just non-hosted get togethers on people's birthdays. And in that case there's really no need for a gift at all.

They are invitations, not summons. You are not obligated to attend if it stretches your budget too far. Personally, I would "regretfully" decline most of these invitations unless it was something I really really wanted to attend.

 

[kaytieeldr]

You're welcome. Now, if you don't mind - please take 10% of what you would have paid, total, divide it into seven equal sums, place each in an envelope, address one to each of us...

disclaimer: I am - I hope obviously - joking, and not attempting in any way to generate an actual exchange of money (or gifts, or pizza, or anything).

 

[worm761]

These are not your friends, they are his. He should be buying a gift for them and you are his guest. You do not need to purchase a gift for these people. His gift should be from both of you.