money & big parties; wwyd?

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I should also point out that this is not causing any stress or anything between me and bf. I was just kind of wondering if I was in the wrong for not wanting to spend so much money on these things.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Don't even get me started on coworkers weddings, bdays and babies...

I got chewed out once by a boss for not contributing every week to someone's something or other gift fund and I finally just told her I couldn't afford it.

I think I stopped caring about bday gifts when I was 14. It's nice but I don't expect it and don't exchange even with immediate family. Bf & I have some personal reasons we are making a big deal out of our 1yr dating anniversary that I think deem making an exception.

The invite to the bday party in question had a little paper w. it saying the cost and that it was not required but appreciated.

 

[Nie0214]

Don't even get me started on coworkers weddings, bdays and babies...

I didn't even want to participate in a secret santa because of the drama it causes around the office. My boss thought I was a grinch, but honestly I just didn't want to deal with the, "Let's swap names" "I spent $25 but got this $5 hokey thing", etc. etc. We ended up doing an ornament swap, which was much better than Secret Santa.

Thankfully there is only one coworker on the floor who has a girl scout for a daughter, or cookie time would be bad!

 

[wendy46001]

While these aren’t your friends, are they going to be in your life now that you’re in his?
I understand this isn’t how it is with your group but sounds like they are all in agreement that this is how it is in their group….

With the wedding and dinners, if you’re going together he gets the gift card from both

as for the shower…the girls are trying to welcome you
go and bring a small gift...you don’t have to break the bank...
a nice picture frame, candle or some champagne is always a good reasonable gift....
Plus they know you’re a new friend and aren’t looking for a huge registry item...

Don’t feel you have to go…but if its important to him, make an effort

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I totally agree with what everyone has said so far. we have had these command performance things with my husbands family.
his sister picks out the gifts for his parents and then tells him/me what we owe. I kept my mouth shut until the last when they took the parents out to dinner. I did not go one of my kids had the flu. but I digress. My husbands portion of the bill was $150.00. the same as the other couples who drank heavily he had a coke appetizers and desserrts. i was steaming mad.
so basiclly he paid to subsidize thier dinner. THAT is not a gift to his parents.

we will no longer be doing the group gifting deal. at 44 years old he is a big boy. and will pick out his own gift and make his own judgement on how much he /we will spend.

if they are his friends he is invited you are his guest. he pays for your attendance and the gift.

 

[mjkacmom]

Who is asking for money? I've never been asked to give money to attend a party - that's weird! I've brought food, wine, sangria, beer, etc., because I wanted to bring something.

 

[ckay87]

The beauty of being his girlfriend at the moment and not his wife is that you do not have to buy gifts for these people, you are simply his date.

I know others have said this, but I just had to add my vote too. I may have missed it, but why is your boyfriend wanting you to chip in on these gifts. I have to go back and re-read I think.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The beauty of being his girlfriend at the moment and not his wife is that you do not have to buy gifts for these people, you are simply his date.

I know others have said this, but I just had to add my vote too. I may have missed it, but why is your boyfriend wanting you to chip in on these gifts. I have to go back and re-read I think.

I think the BF offered to "pay her way". She needs to say OK.

 

[C.Ann]

I agree with all who say that you are his guest - he pays, as well as purchasing the gifts..

Bridal showers and such? If you want to go, purchase something that fits within your budget.. If you don't want to go, it's not a court order - politely decline..

 

[chloelovesdisney]

BF invites you as his date, he should not be offering to pay, he should just cover your portion. I don't know why it even comes up.

There are very affordable shower gifts. If you can't afford those, your BF can go shopping with you and buy the gifts for what is essentially his friend.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

He's okay with my not going to these things, as well as okay with my not bringing a gift if I do go.

I'm the one who has a problem with showing up at a bday party or a wedding or shower with no gift.

They are inviting me seperatly, not as his guest. For the wedding where the invites have been sent already, I did get my own invite. For the formal 30th bday, I got my own invite. The other couple is a little less formal so no formal invites went out for his bday and their wedding invites haven't been sent yet.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He's okay with my not going to these things, as well as okay with my not bringing a gift if I do go.

I'm the one who has a problem with showing up at a bday party or a wedding or shower with no gift.

They are inviting me seperatly, not as his guest. For the wedding where the invites have been sent already, I did get my own invite. For the formal 30th bday, I got my own invite. The other couple is a little less formal so no formal invites went out for his bday and their wedding invites haven't been sent yet.

So that is odd. Normally they would include you with the BF. Sounds like a gift grab to me.

 

[shortbun]

Then my answer is to have your BF pay for his friends gifts and you. If he is inviting you to be his guest he is obligated to pay for you.

He can be nice and add your name to a gift however he should be paying your way.

I totally agree about the birthday parties that HE should have paid for you - the pizza, gift contribution(only HE should have paid) and so forth. Bachlorette party-you pay your share IF you go. I'd beg off at least one of them and if you're NOT living together HE pays for the wedding gifts with you chipping in a nominal amount because you're a good guy and you like these people. You are NOT engaged nor living together so you are NOT obligated to financially support his friends side of your relationship. Granted, with all this out of pocket expense, he'll be less able to take you out. His friends(with the lavish birthday parties) are putting a huge financial hardship on everyone but hey-the 30's should soon be over, right? Good luck.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Maybe it's just me but IMO a huge part of being 1/2 of a couple is being able to compromise. Also, being a part of a larger group also requires compromise. If it was me and I was being warmly welcomed into a large group of nice people I'd bite the bullet and go along with things. When in Rome do as the Romans and all that

NO flames but here is something you may not have thought about.

Since you can afford to do all this and simply do not want to, because it's just not the way you and your group does things, your decision to not participate will probably be taken by your BF, and all his other friends, to mean that you're just not interested in being a part of the group.

Now, if you really genuinely couldn't afford to participate that would be an entirely different thing. I don't think anyone would read anything into that, but when we opt out just because we want to, well that has consequences. Maybe you don't care about the consequences, but to pretend there won't be any is a bad idea. If these people are a huge part of your BF's life he may only be interested with someone who is able to swim along side him KWIM.

While I do agree with you, doesn't her BF need to see who she is. She states she lives in a very budgeted lifestyle. That is part of her character.

If she lays out cash for her BF and it continues then she will at some point put her foot down.

Some groundrules with her BF, I don't think are out of line really. Be open and honest.

 

[1stluvispooh]

Ok throwing my 2 cents in. Back when I was dating (DH and I have been married for 15 years) By the time you were dating anyone for a year you were considered a couple. Since you were a couple only 1 of you would have to "chip in" for something. So I think you and BF need to come to an agreement on the party "chip in" and wedding gifts. I wouldn't think anything of a couple who are dating only giving 1 wedding gift etc.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

Ok throwing my 2 cents in. Back when I was dating (DH and I have been married for 15 years) By the time you were dating anyone for a year you were considered a couple. Since you were a couple only 1 of you would have to "chip in" for something. So I think you and BF need to come to an agreement on the party "chip in" and wedding gifts. I wouldn't think anything of a couple who are dating only giving 1 wedding gift etc.

I agree! And you and your boyfriend can decide how much each of you will contribute to that solo gift - like maybe he'll chip in $20 and you can chip in $10 or whatever you're both comfortable with.

I started a new job a few months ago and I cannot even believe how much $$$ I've already had to spend on gifts and parties. I am on a struct budget too and it is really frustrating. I want to be social, but I don't think people realize the strain it puts on people to constantly be ponying up cash. I am the director of my dept too so most of the responsibility falls on me to collect money and organize the parties. Sigh! Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

If I chipped in on a group gift, I would not bring any other gifts. I personally wouldn't go to a wedding or shower without a gift. But it sounds like you aren't really close to any of these people (you wouldn't know them if you weren't dating your BF, right?). I wouldn't go to the wedding showers then .... I feel like showers are boring enough if the bride is your own close friend, so I would just RSVP no to any shower invites. You can also get out of bachlorette parties this way too if you happen to get invited. (I've only been to bachlorette parties where the guest list was less than 8 people and everyone was very good friends .... and we just did a night out. No weekend trips or spa days.)

And who are these people throwing themselves big 30th B-day parties and expecting everyone to pay their own way and bring a gift too! I've never heard of that ... and I'll be 30 next month, so most of my friends are around the same age. I've never once been invited to something like that. If I paid for my own dinner and drinks, I wouldn't bring a b-day gift at all because, as a grown-up, you can't have people pay for your party and want gifts too.

What she says...

 

[gina2000]

Okay, I'm going to approach this in an entirely different fashion. I'm not getting into whose obligation it is to pay for the gift or whether or not the parties are tacky. That's between you and your BF.

From what I can see, this is a different lifestyle than yours. You are not broke. You choose not to spend your money in this fashion. And that's fine. But it does not jive with this group's way of entertaining and partying.

You need to make a choice. Do you want to be included in this group's activities or not? If so, you will have to alter your monetary perceptions to fit in with their style of entertaining and partying. If not, then you will have to gracefully begin to turn down invitations or to attend without bringing a gift.

Your only other alternative would be to have BF pay for a joint gift and/or your portion of the entertainment. That doesn't seem to be an option.

Good luck with your choice. You seem to have found a congenial group of people who look to include you in their activities. Whether or not you choose to participate is your decision.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Since you can afford to do all this and simply do not want to, because it's just not the way you and your group does things, your decision to not participate will probably be taken by your BF, and all his other friends, to mean that you're just not interested in being a part of the group.

Now, if you really genuinely couldn't afford to participate that would be an entirely different thing. I don't think anyone would read anything into that, but when we opt out just because we want to, well that has consequences. Maybe you don't care about the consequences, but to pretend there won't be any is a bad idea. If these people are a huge part of your BF's life he may only be interested with someone who is able to swim along side him KWIM.

Also, I probably would have expected him to put my name on his gift and sign it from 'us'.

Well, he's known for close to a year that I don't want to be part of any group and he could care less. Currently, he's actually getting fed up with the constant financial obligations as well. He's in one of the weddings and being made to plan and pay for a bachelor party (so I'm assuming he'll have to pay for tux, dinner, drinks, strippers or whatever else they do at the guys bachelor party). He didn't mind that obligation at first but now since all these other events have popped up, it's becomming a burden.

He totally understands this is not the way I am, I am not a "group" person and he is the least "group like" of the people in his group. We've had many discussions about it and he'd also prefer to just stay home and not spend the money either.

I would not expect anyone to sign something "from us" unless we were married. I would find it odd if one of my friends signed a card from "us" with a random boyfriend or girlfriend. Some people hold on to cards and such forever and a card signed from "us" with a different other 1/2 of the "us" each time you get a card from the friend just seems strange. And I do have friends who have a different SO every couple of years.

I don't expect him to "take me out" either. We split everything 50/50 when we go out as a couple.