Mom's I need to vent to you right now

[Lorix2]

I'm so upset I probably won't spell anyting right.

What started it: went to visit my mom where my 18 mos old niece and sister were today with my kids. My DD is almost 12.

My mom is has aphasia & apraxia and has a vocab of about 50 words. She and DD are close. THe way they communicate is by writing or hand gestures and words my mom understands.

Today while i was playing w/my niece, my mother sent my DD and her friend into her bedroom to play with her make up. Fine, usually harmless - BUT my DD knows under no circumstances is she to wear shadow/eyeliner and mascara...but they put it all on and quite well I might add. SHe looked much older. I told her it was only for play today and tonight it was all coming off - not to be put on again. My mother kept "oohing and ahhing" over it and I told her (and sister agreed too) that it wasn't appropritate - she looked 16 and I didn't like it at all.

Here's why I seething - dd took off the mkeup about 20 minutes ago and has been battling with me every since. I started off laughlingly tell *** her it's the rule that not until she's 15 for the heavier stuff (lipgloss ony right now) and she's beautuiful without it, doesn't need it. etc....her reply is "everybody is weraing it and I feel better with it on", etc... she won't stop.

My DH is in bed with the flu, the youngest sleeping. She kept on with the last word and even starting kicking the wall between her bedroom and DS and woke him up! That really made me angrier and told her to get in her room and to SHUT UP without another word, but defiantly stood there to the point I'd almost have to move her myself. Then my DH had to get out of bed to see what was going on, the poor man almost lost his balance from being woken up abruptly because he thought the kids were in distress....she won't stop saying she hates me, I'm too strict, blah blah,.....that I can take, I know she doesn't mean it. But she's pushing every button by being extremely fresh and shaking her headboard right now without any concern for anyone but herself. We have to be up at 6 AM.

She is SO stubborn and strongwilled!!! I am so angry I'm about to let her cool off outside on the deck for awhile!

This DD also called 911 a few months back because I threathened to take her door off her room and I DID! A whole different story, but man, she will not quit!

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I will NOT have my DD loooking like a 16 yr old at 11! NO WAY!!!!

Tell me I'm not alone here.....thank you if you're with me still, I've managed to lower my breathing rate while sitting here. I think this was the most theraputic thing I could think of. She's still having a tantrum.

Thank you if even if you only hit the back button.

 

[Ellester]

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs

You are totally not out of line. Little girls are expected to look and act like tramps sometimes. My 5 year old has been begging me for a "belly shirt" for months! NO WAY!!! I'm sorry your dd is frustrating you right now, but I urge you to stick to your principles and not give in. I would be sorely tempted to take away many priveldges from her right now. I don't know of any other advice, but I totally agree with you. You are not alone, we have to protect our kids whether they appreciate it now or not.

~Ellen

 

[Banshee]

I hear ya sister! We dont have a DD but my niece stayed with us for a while will my SIL tried to get her life straightened out. And she was a HOLY TERROR!!! I thought I was going to die from the stress!! Maybe you should put her little hiney on the porch.No is NO!! My sisters and I were not allowed to wear makeup until we were 16! Maybe if you just even sit down and tell her How sad it would be if she got hurt because she wanted to wear makeup and someone thought she was older than she is! Stick to your guns!!!

 

[JC2]

you're doing the right thing.

 

[Lars624]

She's saying all these things but she doesn't really mean them!!
I have a DD14 & I know what you're going through

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

Sometimes it's hard being a good parent. I feel that you are doing the right thing.

My mother and I used to argue about make-up. She told me that when I was old enough she would take me to a professional and let them teach me the correct way to wear make-up for my age. It gave me something to look forward to while I watched my older sister wearing make-up.

Girls are looking older and older at a younger age. I think it is ridiculous what some 8 and 9 year olds are wearing.

I know it's difficult but children sometimes need tough love.

Lori

 

[FreshTressa]

Well, she will thank you in the long run!!

It is tough to be a good parent these days, and even more important than it used to be.

Hang in there!

 

[Disney Doll]

Stick to your guns, but try and stay calm, and not argue with her. The calm, "because I said so" approach, works.

My friend had her 12-ish year old DD threaten to call DCF once. Her response "I hope the foster home treats you better than we do here." That ended that.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

But you don't gotta like 'em all the time. I hope you won't give in to her tantrum and fit throwing. This is only the beginning of the "everyone else but me get to ......" you'll hear it for years to come. If you give in now, heaven help you later. She doesn't have to like your rules but she has to follow them. I know its hard but don't let her push your buttons or she'll just keep doing it. One of mine was so very hard headed but I tried my best never to weaken once I'd put my foot down.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's normal but that doesn't make it easy. Take some breaths and try not to take her insults personally. Considering some sort of consequence for her behavior?

Here's a Hope things calm down soon.

 

[Serena]

Oooooh, she's acting like a 3 year old is she? Well, the consequences of acting like a 3 year old in my house was being treated like one.
nothing to do, except what a 3 year old would be able to do.

Your daughter is totally out of line and she knows it.

Please though, she is saying things to get you angry. She is trying to control the situation in any way she can think of. She does not mean them, but all kids are born with the ability to tell you they hate you and know it cuts to the bone. They don't mean it though.

 

[chager]

I don't have a DD only a DS9. He has yelled he was going to call the police on us before becuase we were going to kill him. He was in trouble for talking back and was told to stand in the corner. After screaming at the top of is lungs at us, DH picked up the phone and offered to call for him. Nick just stopped and looked at us as if we had two heads or something. Thankfully he has gotten the screaming thing under control now. SO NOT looking forward to the 'tweens and teens though. He already talks like he is 14 or 15.
Just stick to your guns about things. She will appreciate later...much much later....ummm probably when she has a DD of her own.

 

[Mishetta]

When I was 12, I used to sneak makeup in my school bag & apply it once I got to school. Of course, I was 12 back in the dinosaur days, so it was pretty harmless back then...but just something for you to be on the lookout for!

Good luck. I remember hating my Mom back then too. She was always trying to "ruin my life!"

Before she passed away, I asked her to forgive me for anything horrible I may have put her thru while she was raising me alone....so hopefully, that blanket forgiveness request covered what I did in my near teen years also!

 

[browneyes]

It sounds like your dd is in hormone hades. My dd is almost 11 yo and she tries to battle me all the time. She's not allowed to wear makeup out of the house either, but she does try to sneak it out. And like Mishetta, she has snuck it to school and put it on. Which costs her a week of phone privileges when she does that. At that age, they're on the threshhold of being a woman and being a little girl and they get so confused, as do we their mom's. Stock up on the pamprin now.

 

[aunt lissa]

First I'd like to offer you a Second I'd like to say is this what I have to look forward to in 2 years?!?!

Ok now for my serious thoughts: Please oh please just stay firm w/ her. You are doing a good job!! I can tell you that my mother (God Bless her soul) was always my friend. Let me do what I wanted when I wanted how I wanted. But I needed guidance and structure. I wish mom would've been more strict w/ me. I love my mom and she was my best friend how ever growing up I always had more respect for dad because he gave me rules. Be strong and know that the dis is here for you any time you need to vent!!!

 

[Ranatra]

I wish there were more parents like you.
A friend of mine let her DD wear that heavy eyeliner at 12 and 13 and she looked ghastly! Especially in her school photos!

I did not allow my DD to wear it at that age. Stick to your guns, you are the parent and you are in control. She doesn't have to like you right now but she does have to do what you say.
Sometimes we have to be the bad guy for their own good, I know it's hard , I've been there 3 times. It can be exhausting.
We're not here to be their friend, we're here to be their Parent and guide them.

I Love this quote of Dr. Phil, "Pick your battles very carefully, but when you do, NEVER, EVER, Lose."

 

[keenercam]

I remember those days.
My daughter is 15 1/2. When she threw a tantrum because she didnt' get what she wanted she'd say she was mature and I wasn't treating her like she was and then she'd go into the full blown "I hate you" tantrum complete with kicking and screaming. I told her it was hard for me to treat her as if she is mature when she acts like a 5 year old. Then I'd tell her we would discuss whatever the issue was again in 6 months (i.e., makeup, double pierced ears, etc). When she was almost 14 I told her I was glad we'd let her live that long and hadn't given her up for adoption because she had turned into a pretty neat person. She has definitely learned to approach issues in a mature manner and to accept that a "no" is not forever.

 

[pjlla]

So glad to see I'm not alone! But my DD is only 8 1/2 and she is acting like this already! She tries to sneak lipgloss in her backpack for school. She brought it to church on Sunday and I looked over at her during service and saw her smearing bright pink all over her lips!! She looked like a clown! But I am very strict on my rules about those things..... she is only 8 for goodness sake!!! No lipgloss or nail polish to school or church. No pierced ears (more a responsibility thing), no shirts that show belly, none of those big clunky platform shoes. I'm the "worst" mother in the school, of course. But I just can't believe I am dealing with this stuff at 8..... maybe she will get over it all quickly and we will have peaceful teen years? I can hope, can't I??

But I stick to my guns.... right now it is a battle of lipstick.... sooner or later it will be a battle over bigger, more important stuff (boys, dating, smoking) and if I start winning now, hopefully she will know that I am going to win then!!.................P

 

[TTFN]

You are absolutely right on the makeup issue. It's great to see parents who know where to draw the line and then stand by their decision. One thing I learned when DD#2 was in the preteen years....I quit trying to have the last word. When I kept trying to have the last word things would drag on and escalate. I was trying to get her to agree with me, and it wasn't going to happen. Finally I realized I should state the facts "The rule is....." and then not argue any more. She would keep going, but I would repeat the rule and not get drawn into the argument. (It was really hard!!) She still didn't agree, and would keep testing the limits, but it did make the disagreement easier. Good luck...they really do turn out to be sweet later on!!!

 

[disneygals]

http://mccracken.skokie735.k12.il.us/Counseling/eleven.htm


Above is a link to some eleven year old behaviors and they are NOT pretty!

I have 3 girls 11,9, and 7 and am glad to see by the posts that we are not alone. My oldest is so STUBBORN it is scary. My sweet 9 year old told me in a fight the other day that she has hated me for a long time! ( of course she was crying hysterically that night 'cause she felt so bad)

Good Luck!!!

Vivienne

 

[Kimickey]

You did the absolute right thing. Little girls need to stay little girls. Their time to be grown will be soon enough. There are too many perverts around here preying on little girls who are 10-11 years old that look like they are 16-17. If she has tantrums because you will not allow her to wear make up, so be it. She will get over it. Tell her to listen to the Carlie Brucia story, that may be an eye opener for her. Also I know appearance counts for girls at an early age but if we teach our daughter that we beautiful with out make up and what matters is the heart and that gentlemen will like girls better for what's in our mind instead of what's in our pants. We may have more females with higher self esteem. (Not saying your daughter does not have any, because I'm quite sure she does).


My mother did not allow me to wear make up at all until I was in my Jr year of high school. By then I did not care to wear it. So stay on her, you are her biggest influence. No matter how much she begs you do not cave in!