mjshorses 4/2/12 Wishes PJ-3 DAYS TILL THE WEDDING!!!!

[princesswendy720]

Personally, if you're prepared to and able to cover the cost yourself, I would just do it. I have a similar situation but I haven't gotten DF's family involved (nor have they offered at this point). I know what we are doing for our RD (and it is also one of the things I'm most excited about) and it's kind of pricey and something I'm not budging on. I'm also paying for most of the wedding myself with a little help from my parents, and although "traditionally" the Groom's family pays for the RD, I'm too nervous to push the subject because I don't want his Dad and Stepmom to think that there is any negotiability in what's happening. I also don't want them to have to pay for something more expensive than what they're comfortable with.

Her email was very rude and she is just flat out wrong about who should come...everyone in the wedding party plus their significant others (and children if they have them).

I probably would have said something like "We already have plans made for the rehearsal dinner which we've made you aware of. You said that you would be willing to cover the cost. If that's no longer the case, I'm prepared to pay for it. I've provided all of the costs to you, and I'll be calling on October 4th to make the large group reservation. Please let me know if you are still planning on contributing." Kind of like, it's happening whether you like it or not and with or without your money.

Her contributions shouldn't come on the condition that she gets to say who/when/where, etc. It's your rehearsal dinner, not her's.

 

[DoomBuggy0922]

I am SO proud of your email to your FMIL, missy! You stood your ground, and you were firm, but you were not rude in the least bit. In short, it was absolutely perfect!

And, to be perfectly honest, your FMIL's email totally confused me. You didn't give her any sort of bill whatsoever! And why does SHE want to contact the wedding planner anyway? (even though, of course, the WP has nothing to do with HDDR.) She may planning on paying the bill (I think?), but it's still YOUR RD for YOUR wedding... not hers!

Ugh, she's making me angry! And I'm still proud of you!

 

[CositaRicaFabulosa]

Oh, just what you need!! I don't know that there is an appropriate way to respond you your FMIL's email. She put you in a situation where there really isn't any way to fix things, other than do exactly what she wants and feel like a scolded child.

The only suggestion I have is that you schedule TWO events - one, the HDDR, that you pay for, whether it is the rehearsal dinner or perhaps scheduled a day before the rehearsal dinner or the day after the wedding. The other event would be your FMIL's event. I think it would be nicer if she let you have the rehearsal dinner you want (and are willing to pay for) and then scheduled a nice brunch for the day after the wedding. But if she insists on having the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, it might be worth it to accept graciously and schedule HDDR for another night with the same people you would have invited to the rehearsal dinner. The way her attitude is going, I would bet that any event she hosts is going to taste of sour grapes.

My current FMIL is in another country and can't make it to my wedding, but my ex-MIL caused problems with my first wedding. She paid for nothing but her dress, which I expected, so we paid for the rehearsal dinner and had a good size crowd. We invited anyone who was in the wedding, plus their spouse/SO and children. First, my MIL made a big deal about why did she have to go since she wasn't technically "in" the wedding. (Nevermind the fact that it is tradition for the groom's parents to host the rehearsal dinner despite neither of them being in the wedding party.) She did come to the dinner, which we held in a function room at a local restaurant. After she was done with her meal, she got up and walked out of the function room and we never saw her again. Everyone in the room went looking for her, thinking she got lost in the large restaurant. Eventually, we ended up in the parking lot in front of the restaurant looking at the parking spot where her car had been. It was empty. I remember standing out there feeling absolutely gobsmacked. She had just walked out, no thank you for the meal, no good bye, nothing. Amazingly, she came to the wedding.

The one lesson I learned from my ex-MIL is that it's helpful to establish the ground rules early on so that you don't find yourself constantly on the defensive. You haven't asked your FMIL for anything unreasonable, so don't let her make you feel that you did. Good luck with her, and let us know what happens.

 

[LuvLuvLuv]

okay! so i've decided we need to start a "crazy fmil club"

i will be the president, and you can be the vice president

i think you handled it very well and appropriately. please keep us updated!! i've learned that i can't rely on anyone else and if you want something a certain way---you need to take care of it yourself. i think there are surroundings of a disney wedding that each of us want so badly that we are more than willing to foot the bill to make it perfect--and the hddr is yours!! i agree that you need to have your wedding party there and anyone you want for that matter!! don't let her get you down!! as president... i am here for you!!

 

[Sccrmnky2005]

Michelle,


I'm sooo sorry that your going through this during your planning... I think that you said everything appropriate to respond to her email. I don't think she needs to be rude to you and try and change the plans that have already been set and talked about. If she isn't willing to pay for the RD if it's at HDDR then I wouldn't let that get in the way of still having it there!!! Maybe talking to DF about it and see if you guys can work something out, if it's too much for her budget then maybe it can be split so at least she's helping for some of it.

Good luck!

 

[DoomBuggy0922]

okay! so i've decided we need to start a "crazy fmil club"

i will be the president, and you can be the vice president

i think you handled it very well and appropriately. please keep us updated!! i've learned that i can't rely on anyone else and if you want something a certain way---you need to take care of it yourself. i think there are surroundings of a disney wedding that each of us want so badly that we are more than willing to foot the bill to make it perfect--and the hddr is yours!! i agree that you need to have your wedding party there and anyone you want for that matter!! don't let her get you down!! as president... i am here for you!!

My FMIL didn't send me a birthday card. She sent our dog three. Can I be secretary???

 

[jshora]

Your email was most appropriate! Definite kudos to you for standing up to her.

My FMIL is crazy, but just crazy in general (not in a negative way). So, I'm not sure I could join the crazy FMIL club.

However, I did fly across country once to stand up for my friend against her FMIL. My friends are my family and if you hurt my family.... watch out! I let that FMIL have it so my friend didn't have to (thus the FMIL would be mad at me and not her). It worked and she did exactly what I told her: Shut up, show up, wear beige, and smile.

That's my résumé for the role of Crazy FMIL Club Enforcer...

So, if you need someone to fly out there and lay the smack down, just let me know.

 

[lilsqueakrr]

I'm so so sorry for you to have to deal with this. I think everyone lately has M-I-L's from H*LL. Rawr. I think you handled it extremely well and more grown up than I would have. Ha! I probably would have flipped on her and not be able to contain myself at all. It's crazyness.

I'm sending you loads of pixie dust and good vibes, don't let that lady ruin your day. Just tell her you decided this as a couple and that this is what you BOTH want to do not just yourself. I totally agree about the guests and such. If they're coming from afar, they should be invited and why wouldn't you include the kiddies in the wedding? That's just plain stupid if you don't. Aoy.

 

[librarygeek]

Wow. I'm honestly in shock reading your FMIL's email, it's so rude and inappropriate. To basically say "I'll be handling this" and I don't want any input from you about something that is a part of YOUR wedding and your day is just unacceptable. I think your email was totally appropriate and extremely civil and well worded for what you are dealing with! If you are definitely planning to pay for the rehearsal dinner yourself so you can have it at HDDR, I would just make that 100% clear to her. Keep us updated, and good luck!

 

[mjshorses]

Personally, if you're prepared to and able to cover the cost yourself, I would just do it. I have a similar situation but I haven't gotten DF's family involved (nor have they offered at this point). I know what we are doing for our RD (and it is also one of the things I'm most excited about) and it's kind of pricey and something I'm not budging on. I'm also paying for most of the wedding myself with a little help from my parents, and although "traditionally" the Groom's family pays for the RD, I'm too nervous to push the subject because I don't want his Dad and Stepmom to think that there is any negotiability in what's happening. I also don't want them to have to pay for something more expensive than what they're comfortable with.

Her email was very rude and she is just flat out wrong about who should come...everyone in the wedding party plus their significant others (and children if they have them).

I probably would have said something like "We already have plans made for the rehearsal dinner which we've made you aware of. You said that you would be willing to cover the cost. If that's no longer the case, I'm prepared to pay for it. I've provided all of the costs to you, and I'll be calling on October 4th to make the large group reservation. Please let me know if you are still planning on contributing." Kind of like, it's happening whether you like it or not and with or without your money.

Her contributions shouldn't come on the condition that she gets to say who/when/where, etc. It's your rehearsal dinner, not her's.

Yes, I am just going to pay the cost and be done with it. I always thought that's why it isn't a good idea to accept money from people because it usually always comes with conditions.

I don't really understand why people can't just be happy and excited. It's not about the money, it's about having a good time with family and friends.

I am SO proud of your email to your FMIL, missy! You stood your ground, and you were firm, but you were not rude in the least bit. In short, it was absolutely perfect!

And, to be perfectly honest, your FMIL's email totally confused me. You didn't give her any sort of bill whatsoever! And why does SHE want to contact the wedding planner anyway? (even though, of course, the WP has nothing to do with HDDR.) She may planning on paying the bill (I think?), but it's still YOUR RD for YOUR wedding... not hers!

Ugh, she's making me angry! And I'm still proud of you!

Awwww, thank you It didn't make me very happy to be told I was being "inappropriate" (like I'm some kind of small child) but what REALLY made me angry was the "We're taking care of it. I don't care what you want; cancel your plans". I found that incredibly rude and insensitive.

Oh, just what you need!! I don't know that there is an appropriate way to respond you your FMIL's email. She put you in a situation where there really isn't any way to fix things, other than do exactly what she wants and feel like a scolded child.

The only suggestion I have is that you schedule TWO events - one, the HDDR, that you pay for, whether it is the rehearsal dinner or perhaps scheduled a day before the rehearsal dinner or the day after the wedding. The other event would be your FMIL's event. I think it would be nicer if she let you have the rehearsal dinner you want (and are willing to pay for) and then scheduled a nice brunch for the day after the wedding. But if she insists on having the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, it might be worth it to accept graciously and schedule HDDR for another night with the same people you would have invited to the rehearsal dinner. The way her attitude is going, I would bet that any event she hosts is going to taste of sour grapes.

My current FMIL is in another country and can't make it to my wedding, but my ex-MIL caused problems with my first wedding. She paid for nothing but her dress, which I expected, so we paid for the rehearsal dinner and had a good size crowd. We invited anyone who was in the wedding, plus their spouse/SO and children. First, my MIL made a big deal about why did she have to go since she wasn't technically "in" the wedding. (Nevermind the fact that it is tradition for the groom's parents to host the rehearsal dinner despite neither of them being in the wedding party.) She did come to the dinner, which we held in a function room at a local restaurant. After she was done with her meal, she got up and walked out of the function room and we never saw her again. Everyone in the room went looking for her, thinking she got lost in the large restaurant. Eventually, we ended up in the parking lot in front of the restaurant looking at the parking spot where her car had been. It was empty. I remember standing out there feeling absolutely gobsmacked. She had just walked out, no thank you for the meal, no good bye, nothing. Amazingly, she came to the wedding.

The one lesson I learned from my ex-MIL is that it's helpful to establish the ground rules early on so that you don't find yourself constantly on the defensive. You haven't asked your FMIL for anything unreasonable, so don't let her make you feel that you did. Good luck with her, and let us know what happens.

I can't believe your ex-mil did that! That's unbelievably rude!

Thank you for the advice!. I really don't want to budge on the rehearsal but I'd be more than happy if she wanted to plan a welcome dinner or a thank-you-for-coming brunch for the day after if that would make her feel better. I have no problem compromising, it's being dictated to that is making me not want to even involve his family. I never really realized how stressful this was going to be.

okay! so i've decided we need to start a "crazy fmil club"

i will be the president, and you can be the vice president

i think you handled it very well and appropriately. please keep us updated!! i've learned that i can't rely on anyone else and if you want something a certain way---you need to take care of it yourself. i think there are surroundings of a disney wedding that each of us want so badly that we are more than willing to foot the bill to make it perfect--and the hddr is yours!! i agree that you need to have your wedding party there and anyone you want for that matter!! don't let her get you down!! as president... i am here for you!!

lol, sounds good, I'll gladly be the VP. I will keep you updated.

Michelle,


I'm sooo sorry that your going through this during your planning... I think that you said everything appropriate to respond to her email. I don't think she needs to be rude to you and try and change the plans that have already been set and talked about. If she isn't willing to pay for the RD if it's at HDDR then I wouldn't let that get in the way of still having it there!!! Maybe talking to DF about it and see if you guys can work something out, if it's too much for her budget then maybe it can be split so at least she's helping for some of it.

Good luck!

Thanks Amanda!! I'm keeping my fingers cross that this storm blows over quickly.

My FMIL didn't send me a birthday card. She sent our dog three. Can I be secretary???

lol, that's terrible! Yes, you are most certainly entitled to be secretary!

By-the-way, you look gorgeous in your dress!!!

Your email was most appropriate! Definite kudos to you for standing up to her.

My FMIL is crazy, but just crazy in general (not in a negative way). So, I'm not sure I could join the crazy FMIL club.

However, I did fly across country once to stand up for my friend against her FMIL. My friends are my family and if you hurt my family.... watch out! I let that FMIL have it so my friend didn't have to (thus the FMIL would be mad at me and not her). It worked and she did exactly what I told her: Shut up, show up, wear beige, and smile.

That's my résumé for the role of Crazy FMIL Club Enforcer...

So, if you need someone to fly out there and lay the smack down, just let me know.

Thank you so much! What a wonderful friend you are! I'd be more than happy and blessed to have someone so caring to be a part of my life!

I'm so so sorry for you to have to deal with this. I think everyone lately has M-I-L's from H*LL. Rawr. I think you handled it extremely well and more grown up than I would have. Ha! I probably would have flipped on her and not be able to contain myself at all. It's crazyness.

I'm sending you loads of pixie dust and good vibes, don't let that lady ruin your day. Just tell her you decided this as a couple and that this is what you BOTH want to do not just yourself. I totally agree about the guests and such. If they're coming from afar, they should be invited and why wouldn't you include the kiddies in the wedding? That's just plain stupid if you don't. Aoy.

hahaha, keep sending that pixie dust this way!! I think she is crazy about excluding family and SO's from the rehearsal dinner. I don't know what she's thinking

Wow. I'm honestly in shock reading your FMIL's email, it's so rude and inappropriate. To basically say "I'll be handling this" and I don't want any input from you about something that is a part of YOUR wedding and your day is just unacceptable. I think your email was totally appropriate and extremely civil and well worded for what you are dealing with! If you are definitely planning to pay for the rehearsal dinner yourself so you can have it at HDDR, I would just make that 100% clear to her. Keep us updated, and good luck!

Thank you! It was SOOO hard to write something back that was not mean and spiteful! I'm trying hard to be diplomatic but I'm quickly learning that you can't please everyone, and it's not worth the stress and aggravation to try.

 

[mjshorses]

I rarely post on the wedding threads, but look through each of the weddings daily, and I wanted to say that your email response was absolutely appropriate, and worded perfectly. She should no longer have any confusion as to what is going to happern! I am blessed with an amazing MIL and have been married 13 years, but reading so many posts lately by the brides on here, about their FMIL's has made me really count my blessings.

If she is acting this way about an event that will last 3 hours or so, I can't imagine what she will be like with grandchildren! The more you hold your ground and assert yourself now, by the time those other important events happen, hopefully the less she will test you. I know it's hard for DF's to lay down the law with their Mom's, but they absolutely have to! It is quite obvious by her email, that because she is paying, she is entitled to make all of the decisions. I think I would sacrifice the money and pay for it myself, just to show her that she is not in control, and her blackmailing will not work. Good luck, and I hope you post her reply to your email! I will be sending happy thoughts your way

P.S. I hope you live a long ways away from her, if not MOVE QUICKLY

Traci

hahahaha thank you for making me smile! I think moving across the country might be a good idea if DF and I want to keep our sanity.

It does make me feel sad though. Family is important to me and I've always wanted to experience those big family holidays, like in the movies, because I never grew up with that as both my parents were in the military and we moved a lot. However, if his mother thinks she gets to control our life I'm going to seriously move.

 

[mjshorses]

Well, as of right now, I have not heard any response from the FMIL today so I'm not sure if that's good news or not. Nathan has also not heard from her.

Is this the calm before the storm?

 

[Mindyjoy]

Good grief girl, that email made me turn red. I would probably have a good sob if I got an email like that from any member of my family. RUDE. Your email back was totally appropriate (although I am not a fan of email/text in these kinds of tense situations - perhaps a conf call w/ Nathan and FMIL would have been better ). Bygones, you did the right thing by standing up for what YOU want at YOUR wedding - (what a thought!!!!!) - so be proud of yourself! I hope Nathan is supporting you in all this????

Sheesh, all the FMIL horror stories on here really make me count my blessings. My FMIL is awesome and they are essentially writing us a blank check for their share of expenses without much questioning.

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[OregonMickeyLover]

Well, I would agree that no news is good news but.....from the way you've described her, she is probably angry that you had the nerve to stand up to her, and is proceeding with her plans regardless. For your sake, and for DF's sake, I truly hope she stops and thinks about all of this, and whether it is worth it to get her way, while starting this relationship with you, on such a sour note. Just stand your ground and make sure that you and DF present a united front! It might be "kind of fun" to make your reservation at the HDDR as planned, and send her an invitation I know it may not be the best idea for the future of your relationship (not that she cares), but it would sure feel good!!!!! I will keep looking for your updates. Just stay focused on why all of this happening. It should only be about the two of you celebrating your love

Traci

 

[sw33t_angel]

Well, as of right now, I have not heard any response from the FMIL today so I'm not sure if that's good news or not. Nathan has also not heard from her.

Is this the calm before the storm?

Her name isn't Irene is it?

All joking aside though.. that is a terrible situation to be in and I am sorry you had to deal with a rude FMIL... I think they tend to forget that the wedding planning is hard enough- but throwing in drama is not the way to go.

Can I be the treasurer in the Crazy FMIL Club?

Mine has some stories all her own...

Hope it gets better for you!!!

 

[Nichole33]

I think your e-mail was wonderful. It is so hard to remember to be the bigger person in these situations and not sink to their level. Lately I feel like my initial reaction is defensive but it is so important to hold your tongue and not make things worse. You did that beautifully! Sometimes I think they want to make a big back and forth fight out of the situation.

 

[J.ThaddeusToad]

Yes, I am just going to pay the cost and be done with it. I always thought that's why it isn't a good idea to accept money from people because it usually always comes with conditions.

I don't really understand why people can't just be happy and excited. It's not about the money, it's about having a good time with family and friends.

I completely agree! Good luck to you and your DF. I think standing your ground is very important and I hope your DF backs you up 100%. My FMIL drives me nuts a lot (she's promised to cover a lot for the wedding, but we haven't gotten any money from her and most of our balances are paid...) and even my brother's MIL is causing trouble for my upcoming wedding. What is it about MILs? What do we have to do to not be crazy MILs one day?!

 

[donald&daisy]

Wow. This makes me feel so lucky that I don't have issues with DF's family. They are a little strange, but hey, so is my family, lol. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. You seem like such a nice person, and I thought your email was nicely, but firmly worded.

 

[elleinad16]

Awww, I'm so bummed you had to go through with that. You did the right thing (very appropriate and mature!) so there is no need to worry. Maybe she's thinking over the situation and realizes she was in the wrong. Hopefully, you will end up with decent results. Wishing you the best!

 

[Bippi]

Oh gosh! I am sooo sorry you have to deal with this! My FMIL is just ignorant to the whole thing. I bought her 3 dresses at CHRISTMAS TIME to try on for our wedding. now 4 months away, the dresses are still in the original shipping boxes. My fiancee made his father book the room and flights as they are carting his grandparents from VA to FL for the wedding. Rehearsal dinner is a joke, they wont talk about it. Like the wedding isnt going to happen. Well DF and I made the reservation when we were there in July for PS and just refuse to wait until the last week to make plans for anything! I couldnt imagine dealing with it all if she was being nasty on top of it.

Keep us updated on her response.... Good luck!