Misbehaving Adult Child Advice

[JoyBell68]

Found this text on underage possession which applies to the place the citation was written:

Constructive Possession means if you’re in the vicinity of opened alcohol, you

will be charged with an alcohol citation.

Teens under 18 will have their parents called on the spot. This is a civil

offense and will be deferred to the Dept. of Juvenile Justice in the

jurisdiction of residence-

Those who are 18-20 will be handled as adults for a civil offense. A trial

date will be set for them to appear before a judge, usually

in the Fall which can be very inconvenient when college is in session.

Having possession of a fake or altered ID can result in receiving 12

points on a license, confiscation of the license, and criminal charges.

 

[lillygator]

I agree it's all about INTENT.
He "broke a law" with bad intent - he wasn't feeding the poor here.
She "broke a law" with good intent - out of concern for her son/to find out what was going on and why a court of law was contacting him.

so you kill a husband because he is abusive with good intent....come on. it wasn't good intent it was being nosey....and against the law...

 

[Tink888]

Didn't read through entire thread.

OP, I think the only way to handle it is by letting him know he's made some stupid mistakes and now that he is 18 and legally an adult, stupid mistakes can come with some very serious consequences and the next time he might not get off so easy so he needs to start thinking now. He will either listen to that advice or he won't and he'll have to learn the hard way.

I know that won't lessen your worry but that's really what it comes down to.

18 year olds do stupid things sometimes. Try to find comfort in the fact that the majority of them eventually grow up to become upstanding, law abiding citizens.

 

[PaulaSB12]

I still find it shocking that any parent would have such little respect for their offspring to open their mail. Respect is a two way road children should respect parents but how is that to be done when parents show so little respect back.

 

[DawnCt1]

I still find it shocking that any parent would have such little respect for their offspring to open their mail. Respect is a two way road children should respect parents but how is that to be done when parents show so little respect back.

I didn't see where one parent indicated that they open non business/personal mail or invitations. When an 18 year old however is driving on a parent's insurance, in the car that the parents maintain, and lives under the roof provided, and an official letter arrives, privacy goes out the window. Children should also respect the law as well.

 

[dakcp2001]

I didn't see where one parent indicated that they open non business/personal mail or invitations. When an 18 year old however is driving on a parent's insurance, in the car that the parents maintain, and lives under the roof provided, and an official letter arrives, privacy goes out the window. Children should also respect the law as well.

My mom used to open my credit card bills, then yell at me for spending $x amount on a lipstick or whatever. Then she would lose them, and my payments were late. I got a po box when I was 18.

 

[DawnCt1]

My mom used to open my credit card bills, then yell at me for spending $x amount on a lipstick or whatever. Then she would lose them, and my payments were late. I got a po box when I was 18.

I don't think most parents care about credit card bills, letters, etc. They care about the things that have legal implications. When DS#1 was in college, I opened his COBRA bill for his health insurance. Why? Because I paid it for him so he could return to college. Do I care about anything else he gets in the mail? Not at all.

 

[Free4Life11]

As far as the confusion between legal adult and legal to drink...what's so confusing? At 18, you can vote, go to war and be tried as an adult. At 21 you can drink. It's been the same way for many years now. Was that way when I wa younger...I always understood it just fine.

I don't think anyone is confused regarding that. The confusion is when a single open beer can leads to nine minors getting MIP. What if the beer can had been in the trash? It seems like total over kill to me and the cops in that area must have far too much time on their hands. It just doesn't seem right that a single beer can could lead to all this. I'm not sure if any legal age adults were present...does this law to family gatherings? Alcohol is (full containers at that) at a lot of parties where minors are present...

 

[luvsJack]

BTW arent there some criminal offenses that make you ineligible for financial aid? I am not sure what they are, but there are some. This is not just a little thing, it could have years of consequences.

Felony drug convictions. He is a long, long way from that.

I doubt it was just "one beer can" and how can you believe anything this kid says? If there were 9 teens cited, there was more than a beer can.

That's a bit harsh don't you think? One time and you are ready to be convinced that everything he says is a lie? Are your kids really that perfect?



OP, I am not in any way saying that your son shouldn't take all of this very seriously for what COULD have happened in each instance; but don't make mountains out of molehills either.

 

[DizBelle]

One beer can, one 6 pack, one 12 pack, one case; I don't think it is going to make a bit of difference. It is alcohol in the presence of minors. It won't ruin his life. He won't be doing "time". I would guess that it rises to the level of a traffic ticket and NOT a misdemeanor.

Does this mean that parents cannot have alcohol in their house as long as their underage children are living with them lest their children get a citation?

 

[DawnCt1]

Felony drug convictions. He is a long, long way from that.



That's a bit harsh don't you think? One time and you are ready to be convinced that everything he says is a lie? Are your kids really that perfect?



OP, I am not in any way saying that your son shouldn't take all of this very seriously for what COULD have happened in each instance; but don't make mountains out of molehills either.

ITA, Could you imagine the prison overcrowding if possession of a single beer leads to jail time?

 

[luvsJack]

ITA, Could you imagine the prison overcrowding if possession of a single beer leads to jail time?

Seriously!

I think there are many that just need to realize that some things are just going to happen. You can hope it doesn't, but chances are it will. Doesn't make it ok, but it doesn't make it the worse thing your kid could have done either.

 

[JoyBell68]

Does this mean that parents cannot have alcohol in their house as long as their underage children are living with them lest their children get a citation?

I don't believe that anyone at the house was 21 and over, therefore, they all received underage citations. Had a 21 or over been at the house, I believe there would have been no issue as the 21 year old could have claimed the beer as his own. As long as there was no reason to suspect the others of drinking, that would have been that. I do think it is funny that the cops, after talking to these people in the house, didn't suspect any drinking going on as no one was breathalyzed or hauled out/cited for actual drinking.

 

[DawnCt1]

Does this mean that parents cannot have alcohol in their house as long as their underage children are living with them lest their children get a citation?

I am guessing that if there were anyone in that particular house over the age of 21, and the underage guests were not drinking, this would be a non issue.

 

[dakcp2001]

I am guessing that if there were anyone in that particular house over the age of 21, and the underage guests were not drinking, this would be a non issue.

In my area if you are over 21 and there are kids underage drinking, there is a "social host law". It had been in the news a lot lately, as there were several high school graduation parties where the kids were caught drinking, and at one of these parties the parents admitted that they provided the alcohol AND allowed the kids to drink, but took away party goers keys. The other (um NORMAL parents) were outraged when their kids came home drunk and called the cops on these parents. The parents are arrogantly standing on their soapbox thinking there actions were fine. Would you want your children at this kind of party? There were high school freshman at this party.

I think that as far as the OP goes, it is naive to assume that these two instances you know about are they only two. He only fessed up when CAUGHT. He stole from a store.The fact that he didnt get arrested doesnt make the crime any less serious and I am shocked that so many people think it is "no big deal" And I dont buy the "one beer can" thing either. Nip it in the bud.

 

[DawnCt1]

In my area if you are over 21 and there are kids underage drinking, there is a "social host law". It had been in the news a lot lately, as there were several high school graduation parties where the kids were caught drinking, and at one of these parties the parents admitted that they provided the alcohol AND allowed the kids to drink, but took away party goers keys. The other (um NORMAL parents) were outraged when their kids came home drunk and called the cops on these parents. The parents are arrogantly standing on their soapbox thinking there actions were fine. Would you want your children at this kind of party? There were high school freshman at this party.

I think that as far as the OP goes, it is naive to assume that these two instances you know about are they only two. He only fessed up when CAUGHT. He stole from a store.The fact that he didnt get arrested doesnt make the crime any less serious and I am shocked that so many people think it is "no big deal" And I dont buy the "one beer can" thing either. Nip it in the bud.

There are laws against serving alcohol to minors in most states. In this case, no one was cited for drinking, but for possession. With regard to parents serving minors, If it were my minor child, I would call the cops on the parents as well.
No one is minimizing the seriousness of his behavior but putting it and the consequences in context. He was stupid but his life isn't in ruins. Obviously the OP is not shrugging this off. He is losing the car, no matter what happens.

 

[JoyBell68]

And I dont buy the "one beer can" thing either. Nip it in the bud.

Just curious. The citation was very specific. It said that one bottle of beer, a 22 ounce Heineken was discovered on the property and was open. Do you think they were not reporting all of it on the citation?

 

[Liberty Belle]

This is how your 18yo learns. Hopefully they do not repeat the shoplifting incident.

Did your child really pay for the merchandise? Check up on it. I would. Stealers make liars.

As far as the alcohol thing, that would not even be on my radar. It sounds like a non-issue to me.

If you do not have rules of your house as far as your child, come up with some.

Certainly the shoplifting thing is very disturbing.

1. Child stole merchandise.
2. Child followed along with a "friend".

Taking away the car is reasonable. Sounds like child needs a wake up call.

This is how I feel. I'm not sure if I'd take the car away. If I felt like he thought the stealing was no big deal, I probably would. If he acted embarrassed, didn't know what had come over him, etc, I'd probably figured he learned his lesson. I would definitely talk to him and tell him how luck he is and what could have happened, though.

ETA: I absolutely would not have searched his room. I have a son who just turned 17 and wouldn't dream of doing it now (and I can't remember ever doing it). As far as opening the mail, I would have been very tempted, but I don't think I would have done that, either. I would have waited up for him and asked him what it was all about, though!

 

[bumbershoot]

...at one of these parties the parents admitted that they provided the alcohol AND allowed the kids to drink, but took away party goers keys. The other (um NORMAL parents) were outraged when their kids came home drunk and called the cops on these parents. The parents are arrogantly standing on their soapbox thinking there actions were fine. Would you want your children at this kind of party? There were high school freshman at this party.

I think that as far as the OP goes, it is naive to assume that these two instances you know about are they only two. He only fessed up when CAUGHT. He stole from a store.The fact that he didnt get arrested doesnt make the crime any less serious and I am shocked that so many people think it is "no big deal" And I dont buy the "one beer can" thing either. Nip it in the bud.

Several families at my HS did this. I wasn't friends with any of those kids (theater geek does not generally get invited to the "popular kid" parties), but we had a small enough graduating class that everyone knew most of what was happening.

And while I wouldn't give such a party for fear of getting into trouble, in theory, I would. I like the idea, as long as you trust the parents hosting it. And since I would be the parent hosting it and I trust me, I would have no problem with it.

However, in the case you mentioned, you said that the parents took the keys. But you also said that kids got home drunk. Those two things don't *really* go together. Yes, sure as an adult I have still been altered by alcohol the next day, but I also wasn't under the watch of a parent who, I would imagine, should have been controlling the amount of booze being imbibed by each kid. So it doesn't actually sound like the parents doing this were being responsible, or as responsible as one can be in such a situation.


I'd prefer a parents-present party, even including alcohol, over the other parties the same groups of kids had! One party that was had when parents were gone resulted in one boy's family having to sue the other boy's family... The first family's boy had a very fancy car. The second family's boy was asked, by the first boy, to move it. While moving it, second boy crashed the car. The insurance companies forced the first family to sue the second, to recoup the costs. What's SAD is that those two had gone to school all their lives (I knew them the same amount of time), were best buddies, and it was just awful.

Anyway, I'd prefer to have a couple sets of parents there, TRULY taking keys and TRULY watching over it all, compared to the no-parents party where the car was crashed.



The citation specified the ONE can. This isn't a "kid said it" thing....