MIL - one thing I don't like about her

[Tink888]

She talks to all of us at the table. Which is a good thing.
But DD-10 is very bored if I forget to bring something for her to do.
Oh well, it is a minor thing to complain about.

Yes, it is. Why not just be grateful she's alive and spends time with your kids. Why find something to gripe about?

It never would have occurred to me to expect either my mom or mother-in-law to stock toys/books, etc., for my kids when they went to visit (and they visited often enough). If I wanted to send stuff with them I did, or my two kids would just hang out with the grandparents, help them in the yard, etc. They loved visiting.

I'm thinking back to my own childhood, too, and my grandparents never had toys or books especially for me. I spent a lot of time just visiting or helping out my grandparents (at least, in my little mind I was helping out ). I love those childhood memories.

ITA. I always had my boys bring things they wanted to play with to my Mom's house. Kid's interests change so much anyway, if they choose what to bring, they are guaranteed to keep themselves amused.

I don't remember my own grandparents having much for me either. I do remember always thinking of their homes as being full of treasures for me to find. My grandmother had a tin full of extra buttons that I recall loving to play with when I was little. Or she's allow me to pull out her pots & pans and other kitchen utensils and pretend I was a chef. To me those were sooooo much better than any kitchen toys I had because they were the real thing.

And of all the things that I do remember about spending time at my grandparent's house, what I remember the most was just sitting together and talking. The feel of my grandmother's hand when I held it. I'm sure there were times when I might have felt bored but that isn't what I remember.

 

[hereyago]

If dd is 10, let her pack up her own things to take to mil so that she can be entertained.

Exactly! The kid isn't 3 or 4.

 

[Crystal0608]

My mama has had a playroom for the kids (kitchen set, rocking horse, etc) since they were little and had a playpen & high chair when they were babies. She also has a pool & wood swingset/treehouse outside and a gameroom in the basement . I'm an only child and I had none of that, lol. When the kids get tired of a toy I sent it grandmas, like board games and the game cube and they play them like crazy. They also have bikes & scooters in the basement. I also stock clothes there. It's set up like a second home for them.

My MIL, on the other hand, bought a very used playpen & car seat when dd was born. DS was 15 months behind, but I think they were thrown out by then so she had nothing. She would ask to keep dd and I had to even send food and drink (not a $ issue either). They have no toys or an belongings at her house. When Dnephew was born, she bought 2 new high end everything for her house and her living room is covered in ride on toys. My kids don't like going there, wonder why?

I know when I have grandkids, I'm going to be fully stocked on toys .

 

[okeydokey]

My kids are 10 and 13 and when they outgrow a decent toy that I know will last, I put it away in the attick so that I will have stuff for my someday grand kids to play with when they visit. I have saved favorite books, the Thomas the train stuff, wooden puzzles and some games etc.

My mom is a very hands on Grandma and has crib, high chair and toys at her house. I will be the same way.

 

[wdwmom2]

I agree, expecting to leave a bin is presumptuous. It wouldn't go over well with my parents. I'm watching and learning. I hoping to have more "stuff" for the grandkids. I kept lots of the kid's things so they should enjoy playing with what their daddies played with.

I am a GP and would have no problem if my children would leave a bin of toys, coloring books, games, etc., here at my home. I am talking a bin that could be stored in a closet or corner of the room, and not taking over a whole room with junk for the occasional overnighter that we have.

We do have a few items here to play with, not a lot. Luckily, we live a few blocks away from our town park that has plenty of playground equipment for the kiddos to enjoy for hours on end. DH and I enjoy walking them down to the park and just watching them play.

DGS19mo is a pappy's boy. So no matter what pap is doing, he is happy to tag along. DGD11 is a grammy's girl. Always wanting to help me with what I am doing. Although we do occasionally bust out a good game of Life!

 

[Nancyg56]

For those that suggest buying a bin and filling it with toys to permanently store at grandma's house I think you are way over stepping your bounds. It is her house. She may have no desire (or space) to store a bin of toys at her house and it is extremely presumptuous to suggest it.

Really? I guess that I am different, if my kids want tobring things here I find a spot. If my future DDIL asks me to keep something here for any reason, I will absolutely do it. I cannot imagine that I would find any one of my children presumptuous.

In that case, simply store the bin in your vehicle. IF you leave the kids at MIL's house, leave the bin just as you leave a diaper bag full of gear. When you pick up the kids, pick up the bin (and diaper bag) and stow it in your vehicle until next time.

Easy peasey.

I agree, expecting to leave a bin is presumptuous. It wouldn't go over well with my parents. I'm watching and learning. I hoping to have more "stuff" for the grandkids. I kept lots of the kid's things so they should enjoy playing with what their daddies played with.

I find that sad. I have a room that is just for my DGD. She is 9 and the two of us decorated it for her.

 

[bumbershoot]

But DD-10 is very bored if I forget to bring something for her to do.

I'm fairly certain it's a 10 year old's job to be bored. And, uh, for many parents "I'm bored" is a sign that the kid needs some real jobs to do...maybe she would enjoy weeding grandma's yard next time she indicates she's bored?

And I have seen how it affects families when their is one bad apple such as a daughter in law or sister in law in the mix.

I have seen how it affects families when a bad MIL is there.

After 10+ years of knowing me, she is finally FINALLY listening to her siblings (who don't even live in the States but can see who I am better than she can) and is opening her heart to me. She just hated me from the beginning b/c I'm not from her country-of-birth and I was never EVER given the benefit of the doubt at all.

Of course her siblings can also see, and have told her, that she destroyed every last bit of possibility that I will EVER open up to her, after all that she's done.

It's not always the younger person's fault. I promise you.

If dd is 10, let her pack up her own things to take to mil so that she can be entertained.

My newly-7 year old knows what stuff he likes to pack to keep himself entertained.

Then again, all he needs at grandma's is some of her special rice with soy sauce and sesame oil, and the package of Pocky she ALWAYS has for him, and he's good for a couple hours....

 

[disykat]

I find that sad. I have a room that is just for my DGD. She is 9 and the two of us decorated it for her.

That's the point. You are a grandparent who HAS stuff for her grandchildren. Grandparents who don't probably don't have it because they don't want it there. I don't get what's hard to understand about that?

I plan to be a grandparent that has stuff for the grandkids. My parents didn't, but it's not my place to force them to.

 

[Michelle67]

I suppose the easiest way to avoid being presumptuous would be to simply ask if it is okay to leave a few toys at the grandparents' house.

Personally, I'm glad that my daughter brought over a box of toys and left them here for my grandsons to play with. My other kids are older and their toys aren't necessarily age-appropriate for the almost-three year old or safe for the baby. It's nice to have a box of toys here in case they come by while they are out and about or forget to pack up toys before coming. There's a lot to remember with two little stair steppers, I'm happy to let them be able to leave toys off the list of things to be packed up and hauled along.

It's also one of the things that I really appreciate about my ex-MIL. Her own youngest grandchild is 12 now, but she still keeps a wooden box full of toys and coloring books tucked behind a chair where it isn't in anybody's way, but is easily pulled out if someone comes over with young children, and has done so since way back before she even had grandchildren of her own. It's a really nice gesture that says "your children are welcome here." (which is not to say that children are NOT welcome if there aren't toys provided, just in case someone is dying to go there )

 

[petchie]

Well, maybe there's more than one thing but LOL

She doesn't have anything fun for the kids to do. NEVER. not.even.crayons!! since they were born, no rattles, nothing. I don't expect her to go crazy buying things for my kids but when I am a grandma I would at least have coloring books and crayons. I always go to her house prepared though, crafts for the kids to do, etc. It's not like she doesn't have the money cause they do. Vent over

I can do you one better. Beside not having anything fun to do, they were not allowed out of the kitchen. Until they were about 16. NOW, my kids are far from angels, but they did know how to behave when out.

 

[Mama-san]

My biggest issue with my MIL is that everything is all about her. She lives on Planet Gloria - population 1.

 

[aprilgail2]

When reading posts like these I am SO glad that I don't have a son-I would hate for him to marry some woman that couldn't get along with her inlaws or found fault in everything they do.
I am looking forward to being a grandparent sometime in the distant( I HOPE!) future--I will be the grandparent that will babysit 5 days a week if my daughter is working and has a house full of toys for my grandkids to play with!

 

[Andtototoo]

When reading posts like these I am SO glad that I don't have a son-I would hate for him to marry some woman that couldn't get along with her inlaws or found fault in everything they do.
!

Maybe YOU would be a decent MIL who wouldn't find fault with everything your DIL did, like say, exist. Because I can assure you that I went into that situation hoping for a great relationship only to be told within 30 seconds of meeting her that she intended to hate me forever because I was "stealing" her son away from her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

When reading posts like these I am SO glad that I don't have a son ........ I will be the grandparent that will babysit 5 days a week if my daughter is working and has a house full of toys for my grandkids to play with!

So, you already would anticipate having problems with a DIL, but you will be there 100%, providing full time day care, a house-full of material things, etc. etc. etc.... for your daughter.

Why do I see something very, very, wrong with this picture.

 

[aprilgail2]

So, you already would anticipate having problems with a DIL, but you will be there 100%, providing full time day care, a house-full of material things, etc. etc. etc.... for your daughter.

Why do I see something very, very, wrong with this picture.

ROFLMFAO---yea---no where did I say that---- if I had a son I sure as heck would be there to babysit his kids anytime too--
I said I was glad I didn't have one because of all the drama on the DIS with woman giving their mother in laws a hard time and always spouting off about what terrible people they are--

 

[Wishing on a star]

That's good then!!!

And, keep in mind, that in the OP's case here, I did post that this just might be the way her MIL is.
Maybe her expectations of her MIL could be adjusted.

But, based on your comments I am just not sure that this would be the reality if you did have a son/DIL.
I could just never see myself making that comment, at all.

Like Andtototoo just posted, there are many of us who do have MIL's who are not the way you think you will be...

There are far too many women who feel that their son's are 'theirs' (my MIL has said that verbatim) and who have problems with any woman who enters their son's life. (steals him away from her) and she hates the DIL for that. And also there are those MIL who think that a DIL has to do JUST EXACTLY AS SHE WOULD. (also describes my MIL)

And, overall, there is the whole issue that women are matriarchal and territorial... Women are like cats... the hissing and the claws...

There are many well known reasons that women/mothers may have issues with their son's spouse/DIL, which are not the DIL's fault .

Your comments clearly show an assumption that it is the DIL's who are at fault, and that is what jumps out at me.

I have a son.
I have learned from my MIL what NOT to do when he dates and marries.

 

[Nancyg56]

That's the point. You are a grandparent who HAS stuff for her grandchildren. Grandparents who don't probably don't have it because they don't want it there. I don't get what's hard to understand about that?

I plan to be a grandparent that has stuff for the grandkids. My parents didn't, but it's not my place to force them to.

I think I am not communicating well here, I cannot understand that it is presumptuous to ask Mom or Dad if you can leave a box of toys at their home for the grands. These folks are your parents. When my DGD was little I could find toys I thought that she would like but I have to tell you I am in the dark now with the little ones who live down the street. I wander like a lost soul through the toy aisles looking for appropriate toys and end up with more confused that when I started. WHile this may not be the reason that some GP's do not have toys, I am willing to bet that I am not the only one who cannot figure out what half the stuff in the toy store is.

I think that it never hurts to ask the GP's if they would like you (in general you) can bring a few things to keep on hand for the kids, they may appreciate that you are willing to do that. I would just suggest that one does not assume the worst.

Maybe YOU would be a decent MIL who wouldn't find fault with everything your DIL did, like say, exist. Because I can assure you that I went into that situation hoping for a great relationship only to be told within 30 seconds of meeting her that she intended to hate me forever because I was "stealing" her son away from her.

The woman is missing an opportunity to embrace another DD into her heart. Shame on her for not loving her son enough to welcome his wife.

There are far too many women who feel that their son's are 'theirs' (my MIL has said that verbatim) and who have problems with any woman who enters their son's life. (steals him away from her) and she hates the DIL for that. And also there are those MIL who think that a DIL has to do JUST EXACTLY AS SHE WOULD. (also describes my MIL)

And, overall, there is the whole issue that women are matriarchal and territorial... Women are like cats... the hissing and the claws...

I have a son.
I have learned from my MIL what NOT to do when he dates and marries.

I believe that there are some women who are like this, doting on their sons and always comparing the way DDIL behaves to the way they think that they behaved. It is shameful IMO. DIfferent is not wrong, it is just different.

I think that the door opens both ways though. My brother's wife is the sweetest woman that I know and I have know her my entire life. Her son married a shrew, she refuses to accept any of Brian's family except when there is something she needs from any one of us. Believe me, the way that my DSIL and DB are treated is beyond despicable and I am not letting my nephew have a pass here. He should stand up for his family. There are women who are raised to believe that once married they need to shun their DH family, spend time only with their own. At least she has not kept the baby from them but both live in fear that if they overstep one inch that will happen.

I think that there is no reason to enter into a relationship deliberately cutting off people just because you can. My DH mother is like that, she felt that I was not acceptable for her son....a widow with three young children was . It was okay to be rude to me, try publicly separate me from DH in public ( put her name with his and his brother at a funeral. The director called her name, my DH and his brother's while I was sitting there next to DH with the kids. My DBIL put his hand over my youngest and kept him sitting while my DH did the same to my DD, waited until MIL walked up alone and then both men escorted us up) MIL still has not learned that family is not blood, it is bond.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I read though this thread and I just had to respond. I was fortunate that both my parents and my in laws had toys etc. at their house but I would never expect it. Not for nothing but they are my kids and it is my responsibitlity to make sure that they have what they need to entertain themselves when we go out. I have always packed a few things for the kids if I felt they needed it. I don't see why that is a problem. I also do not understand why a 10 year old needs toys to be entertained. At 10 I could sit at the table with the adults and join in the conversation/visit. Also, at 10 couldn't the child just bring a book to read if they are bored? I don't know, it just seems like an easy problem to remedy. Not every person you visit is going to have toys for your kdis to play with. The parents need to make sure the kids have what they need. YMMV.

 

[21hearts]

My MIL won't even let our kids go to her house... Which is completely fine with us since DH's parents are slobs (& DH will be the 1st to tell you they are)... They only take their trash out once a week and just let it pile up, they have dirty laundry all over the living (have you ever sat on your dads dirty underwear by accident? DH did the last time he was over there) and have a huge bug problem.

While she doesn't have anything for them to do I would be thankful that she wants to be apart of their lives & lets them come over. Have you asked her why she doesn't have anything? She may think that since you send stuff with them that she doesn't need to get anything. Just looking at it from another point of view.

 

[wilma-bride]

I know I shouldn't laugh but the irony of this is that it is the complete opposite of my peeve about my in-laws. When my DS stays with them, they spend every waking minute trying to entertain him - playing games, taking him for walks/bike rides, outings, you name it. Trouble is, when he gets home he expects the same thing from us and we just don't have the time to devote to play with him 24/7. He is used to entertaining himself at home and playing on his own but, after he has been to the in-laws, it is a real trial to get him to be independent again

Still, I never complain as I know I am very lucky to have at least one set of parents that take an interest in their grandchild/ren.