MIL - one thing I don't like about her

[Nancyg56]

disycat- I told my DS that if he ever made my DDIL feel that she was less important than me I would be very disappointed in him.

A wise woman told me that you only get so many bullets in this life so you better use them wisely.

 

[luvsJack]

Op, neither my mom or my mil ever had toys at their house for my kids. It was really never an issue because there were plenty of other kids and plenty of things to do, but if they ever did think they might get bored I just told them to get something to take (portable video games, books, etc.). My kids have always been able to go play and dream up something to do though.

As for the DIL vs MIL war that always starts--most of the time, its the fault of both sides.

I am so thankful for a mil that I can love and who treats me as her equal (my first mil was from hades and would make most of yours seem like saints. Are any of you physicall afraid of your mil?).

I am also thankful for my youngest dil, couldn't have asked for a better wife for ds and mother to my grandchildren. The best thing? She doesn't try to control what I do or don't do for her kids. She is very laid back and as long as she knows they are safe and with someone who loves them--all is good.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am also thankful for my youngest dil, couldn't have asked for a better wife for ds and mother to my grandchildren. The best thing? She doesn't try to control what I do or don't do for her kids. She is very laid back and as long as she knows they are safe and with someone who loves them--all is good.

That is because she trusts you. Not just your judgement but you! I cared for my DGD when she was little and Marisa asked very little of me but the things that were important to her I respected. Same with the young mother down the road. Her little girl was entrusted to me when she was 7 weeks old. She knew that I would honor her requests. There were not many and like my DD, I was given free reign with her.

I believe that when you accept and treat your child's partner with love and respect you will be given that back tenfold. Good for you to share that relationship with your DDIL. everyone benefits! I hear you on the MIL from Hades but you win! I am not afraid of my wonderful husband's mother.

 

[luvsJack]

That is because she trusts you. Not just your judgement but you! I cared for my DGD when she was little and Marisa asked very little of me but the things that were important to her I respected. Same with the young mother down the road. Her little girl was entrusted to me when she was 7 weeks old. She knew that I would honor her requests. There were not many and like my DD, I was given free reign with her.

I believe that when you accept and treat your child's partner with love and respect you will be given that back tenfold. Good for you to share that relationship with your DDIL. everyone benefits! I hear you on the MIL from Hades but you win! I am not afraid of my wonderful husband's mother.

Oh, yes she was like waaaaaayyyy beyond the stereotypical MIL. This is a woman who, along with her husband in their younger days, shut down a local honkey-tonk type bar because of the fight that broke out and THEY both took part in. She would fight a man, just like she would a woman. She was barely 5 ft tall and might have weight 120 soaking wet but a tough old bird. And I made the mortal mistake of marrying her golden son (she has two sons, but only one is golden). Well, he is 53 years old now, disabled from an offshore accident and living with his Momma.

My current MIL has 6 sons, I think she is just thankful for us dils that came along and took them off her hands. She really is a sweetheart. BUT, I have to admit that I was more mature when dh and I married, more settled and had more of a clue what marriage is all about so I have to admit to having some to do with each of the different mil relationships.

I do feel blessed that my dil trusts me with her precious children. As a brand new mom, she was open to listening to everyone's advice and experiences with their own children and then she made her own decisions. She doesn't leave lists or instructions when she leaves them with us, just the necessary items.

Someone said their mil didn't mix the formula correctly. Dil has one of those divided bowls too--really convienent. But, the first time I kept oldest dgd and they had powered formula (hospital gave them liquid) she had to tell me how to mix the stuff. I formula fed all three of my babies, but I used the liquid concentrate and a sterlizer. So I fixed a days worth of bottles at one time. When we had an infant room at the daycare, we required that all bottles be brought already prepared for the day, so didn't mix them. So, although I had lots of experience with babies, I didn't know how to mix powder formula.

The first time my mom kept one of her grandchildren with disposable diapers, she went through about three diapers before she figured it out! My oldest are 29 and 27 and I used cloth so it was a younger grandchild and she had NEVER used disposable diapers. It was just lack of experience. But we figured it out. Now this is someone who, when she ran out of cloth diapers while keeping my son one time, made a few diapers out of my dads t-shirts. So while very capable of taking care of babies, she did have to be taught how to use a disposable diaper.

Sometimes someone's experience is just different and they really just don't know how to do something outside of that.

 

[brookmey]

My MIL never had a bunch of toys, but she did have crayons and coloring books. And lots of DVDs. But, we never spent much time at her house because of many other factors. For one, when she and FIL divorced, she bought a run-down house that she was going to renovate. So, temporarily her bedroom was in the living room because the upstairs was a complete, unlivable mess. We lived 2 hours away, so when we visited, it was for the weekend. We didn't feel comfortable staying with MIL because of her bedroom situation, so we stayed with FIL. Did not go over well.

10 years later, MIL's upstairs is still unlivable and she's still sleeping in her living room. Except now she's got DH's youngest sister and her 2 boys living with her, so they all sleep together in a king bed and twin bed in the living room. The money MIL intended to use for the renovations has instead been used up in court costs, bail and other things related to enabling DH's youngest sister's drug addiction. MIL had custody of the 2 boys at one point.

I know MIL has made her choices, but I feel bad for her. She has always treated me well and I married her firstborn and only son. Luckily I don't have all the issues that other women have with competition and such. I will say, though, that MIL has competed with my mom and acts as if she's threatened by my mom, the other grandma.

Oddly enough, my in-law problems are with DH's 4 younger sisters who refuse to let him go. They have not accepted that my kids and I are #1 in his life now, not them and their kids. They don't invite us to things for their kids, they invite DH and my kids. They don't see me as part of the family and have told DH numerous times that they don't think I'm good for him because I took him away from them and won't let him spend time with them or their kids. They think I'm controlling and selfish because I've changed him for the worse. DH has been part of the problem because he has been the one to not want to see them or spend time with them, but yet he would blame it on me because he didn't want to hurt them by telling them the truth. 3 of his 4 sisters are addicts (1 drug, 2 alcholol), so there are a lot of codependent issues to deal with.

The funny thing is that MIL has told me not to change who I am to fit with their family. She has encouraged me to hold onto who I am and my beliefs. She recognizes how difficult it is to come into their family, so she's been very understanding and sympathetic to what his sisters have put me through. I am very lucky to have her. There have been times when she's crossed the line big time, but there's usually been an underlying issue causing it, so now I try to get to the "why" instead of just being mad at her.

DH is another issue and we're going on our 3rd year of marriage counseling to work through all his codependent issues with his family.

 

[becpee]

The one thing I don't like about my MIL?

Just her....I guess it's a biggie

Lucky my DH decided to cut them off after an 8:20am screaming rant phone call after he sent her a mothers day card from her grandson, where he basically reminded her that she did have another grandson by writing "grandson" in brackets, guess she didn't like that....

And for those of you that say I must be an evil DIL, I didn't even know about it until after the screaming ranting phone call...

 

[Nancyg56]

My current MIL has 6 sons, I think she is just thankful for us dils that came along and took them off her hands.




Sometimes someone's experience is just different and they really just don't know how to do something outside of that.

i know how she feels! I love my sons but am so grateful that they have found lovely women to fill their lives. I know some of those men who never left the nest even though they left the home

You are so right about experience. My DD and my friend Welby both trust my advice but I believe that is because I know what I do not know. I also needed instructions concerning formula, new fangled chairs, and goodness knows what else!

DH is another issue and we're going on our 3rd year of marriage counseling to work through all his codependent issues with his family.

Best of luck to both of you!

 

[WicketsMom]

I don't understand why leaving a list for MIL/mother/other caretaker is being considered insulting? Even as a parent myself, I liked to get such a list when I kept my niece and nephews before they were able to communicate their wishes themselves. Every child is different, and what I did for my child may not be what another one likes.

I left a couple of pages with my parents when we went out of town and they kept our son. I wanted her to know things like his normal bedtime routine, about how much he would eat at each feeding, what his favorite foods and toys were, daycare drop-off procedures, and other details to make the experience easier for both of them.

 

[ccgirl]

I don't understand why leaving a list for MIL/mother/other caretaker is being considered insulting? Even as a parent myself, I liked to get such a list when I kept my niece and nephews before they were able to communicate their wishes themselves. Every child is different, and what I did for my child may not be what another one likes.I left a couple of pages with my parents when we went out of town and they kept our son. I wanted her to know things like his normal bedtime routine, about how much he would eat at each feeding, what his favorite foods and toys were, daycare drop-off procedures, and other details to make the experience easier for both of them.

Great post.

Unfortunately, some parents are perfect and think they know everything about every baby. I,too, appreciate a list when I watch my nephews. I do not take it personally and find it insulting. I know that I know my children (most of the time). But, as you said, each child is different.

 

[jrmasm]

I don't understand why leaving a list for MIL/mother/other caretaker is being considered insulting? Even as a parent myself, I liked to get such a list when I kept my niece and nephews before they were able to communicate their wishes themselves. Every child is different, and what I did for my child may not be what another one likes.

I left a couple of pages with my parents when we went out of town and they kept our son. I wanted her to know things like his normal bedtime routine, about how much he would eat at each feeding, what his favorite foods and toys were, daycare drop-off procedures, and other details to make the experience easier for both of them.

It probably depends on the delivery.

1) Here is a list of how you must do things - insulting
2) Here is a list that you might find helpful - not insulting

 

[scrapquitler]

Well, maybe there's more than one thing but LOL

She doesn't have anything fun for the kids to do. NEVER. not.even.crayons!! since they were born, no rattles, nothing. I don't expect her to go crazy buying things for my kids but when I am a grandma I would at least have coloring books and crayons. I always go to her house prepared though, crafts for the kids to do, etc. It's not like she doesn't have the money cause they do. Vent over

My MIL, on the other hand, gives my children Christmas and Birthday presents, then says "They have to stay HERE so that you can play with them while you are at my house". So she gives them gifts they cannot play with, other than the 5 or 6 times a year they go to visit her.