Middle Schoolers Dating???

[MomNeedsVacay]

I asked my DH if he went on "dates" when he was your sons age...He said , "No, but I was smoking cigarettes and sneaking beer"....
Thank God my DD's are 3 and 1

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

I'm probably the meanest mom EVER... but as a single parent of GIRLS I am probably strict enough for a dozen parents. My DD18 has never been on an actual date without the benefit of parental company. She is allowed to attend school events. If there was a boy there she liked, bonus for her! If she wanted to see a boy socially, she could invite him along with us for an evening out, like dinner or a baseball game. She could also go with him if they accompanied HIS parents somewhere. No boys in the house when I am not in the house and no boys upstairs EVER.

If my kids want to go to a friend's house after school, I make them take a picture of the friend and her parent(s) with their cell phones and send it immediately. I also request that the mom and/or dad make a peace sign or rock/paper/scissors or something like that so I know I'm not getting a canned picture. My kids were completely embarrased to ask their friends' folks at first, but the parents found it funny and effective. I'm sure my parents wish they had this technology 25 years ago!!



oh... to answer the question: I do think 13 is young to handle certain pressures, like coupling off, even for a double date. But that's just me... and as you can see above, I'm pretty much the meanest mom ever

 

[laceemouse]

Me three.

Me four, actually mine still haven't even asked about dating and my older girls are 16 and 14. They do plenty of group things and that is fine with us for now. Kids grow up way too fast these days and unfortunately most parents think it is cute. YUK!

 

[wendithepooh]

My kids now from when they were little the rule is 16.

Oh and by the way,Good kids get into trouble too.Don't assume they know the rules or what is expected of them.Put it out there in plan english (or whatever you speak).

Good luck.

 

[jupers]

I'm a middle school teacher and I deal with this every day, all day. IMHO group dating is ok in middle school, but I would save the alone dates for high school.

 

[Liltx]

I would say group dating in middle school is OK as long as there are rules and it is in a very public place like the movies, mall, restaurant etc. Not the park, trust me. They can do this without our knowledge anyway by just planning to "meet up". This way you know what the plan is.
Single dating will be allowed in my house when they reach driving age. I want them to have at least 2 years of dating with some parent rules (curfews etc.) before they go off to college.
There are probably very few of us that were total angels in our teens. I knew how to get around all of my parents rules if I wanted too but they were moderate parents and I usually didn't try to bend the rules because of this. If they would have made me wait until I was 18 to date I know I would have. I also have wonderful memories of dating in high school and dances, parties, even camping with boys when nothing sexual happened. Not to say it NEVER happened but honestly even those are good memories that I wouldn't think of changing. Now, I still not excited to think that my girls could be doing that at 17
I wonder if statsitics on that have changed from 20 years ago?
Monica

 

[MSSANDRA]

[ I want them to have at least 2 years of dating with some parent rules (curfews etc.) before they go off to college. ]


That is smart parenting.
Makes them about 16 when they start dating but still give you time to supervise and guild and support those first relationships before they are off on thier own. I can not image how hard ( and scary for mom and dad) it would be to start dating in college where there are no suppervised rules when you have no experence at all in dating.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

Yikes! Mine never asked to do dates like that in middle school. I guess I should thank my lucky stars! I think it depends where you live in all honesty. In our old town, those kids were way to "fast" for my personal taste. Where we are now, the kids meet up as a group for school dances, recreation center trips and the like, but no alone or double dates yet. DS is a freshman in HS and DD is 8th grade. I like that they are not entering the dating world, too young yet, but that is for our household-everyone is different. This next school year, I'm sure DS will want to date, I'm prepared, but savoring the little time I have left before that happens.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't know what I'll do when the time comes. Perhaps take 3 valium and a shot of whiskey to start! After I came to my senses and I would probably just take it on a case by case basis. I hate to tell anyone, but if the kids want to see each other they don't need to cal lit an official "date" to do so. They will find many other ways to get together without you even knowing they are "dating". At that age most kids don't even know what dating is. Some do as we live in a society where kids grow up way too fast. JMHO. I did want to say that since your son was honest about his intentions I don't think I would have a problem with it. I would offer to drive and pick up. Talk to your son and tell him what your expectations ar of him as a gentleman beforehand. I actually think it is a good opportunity to teach him stuff like that. I would like to also mention that I feel the same way about girls as boys. Case by case basis. I don't think girls should have stricter guidelines than boys. JMHO. Good luck.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I hate to tell anyone, but if the kids want to see each other they don't need to cal lit an official "date" to do so. They will find many other ways to get together without you even knowing they are "dating".

That is true-kids will lie to your face and sneak around behind your back to get what they want. Not sure mine could manage that too easily since I keep tabs on them pretty well, but you can never underestimate a determined teen. You just hope that you taught them better than that...but it happens anyway sometimes.

Can you pass the valium and whiskey now? I may need some too!

 

[happygirl]

I think 13 is to young for a group date, esp one that didn't tell you before hand

 

[Liltx]

I just remembered that when I was 13 we had sex ed for an entire year in Catholic school. This was a long time ago . Of course they promoted abstinence but also discussed the other methods of birth control and how they didn't fit the Catholic belief. Still I learned about how to be safe at a very young age IMO. Then I went to public high school and had one semester of health (aka sex ed.) as a sophomore. Does that mean Catholic girls are faster or that they tried to be ahead of the game? I think the later may be true and yes this was many, many years ago.

 

[Blondiex46]

I have 13 year old twin boys and boys are usually behind. One of the twins had a gf at 10 and the other just got one. He is talking to her on the phone but that is about it. 13 these days aren't too young, but iti s the girls you have to watch out for. If you have a boy just keep talking to him. I have 2 girls that are in their 20's, but i find it interesting when parents tell there kids that they can't date until 16 or 18 like that at that magical number they will be mature enough to do it.

You can call it whatever you want and they will call it whatever they want. You have taught your children morals, values, right from wrong and to do the right thing, you can try to control things but the more you try to control it the more they will rebel. Again saying that 13 is too young means you are looking at a number not the individual. A group of kids going to the mall is just that to parents but to the kids somewhere in there it may be "hooking up" which is what it is called now.

 

[SavvyMom]

I think it depends on your child. I let my DD14 go by herself to a movie this year (with a girl). We talk about sex and relationships openly. I do NOT look forward to dating one-on-one. I would let her go if i dropped her off and picked her up (from the movies). Otherwise, no way. I want her to have my guidance during these "learning years". I want her to get this experience a little at a time. Do what your gut tells you and stick by it. That's my advice. You know what your child is ready for...

 

[HappyLawyer]

it is too young to date or use the term dating, i personally would not allow it,
i would need to present it to my child another way making sure she and her friends understood that it is not a date, when you think date that implies, hand holding and even maybe a kiss and that would not be happening, too young, way too young

 

[Mouse House Mama]

it is too young to date or use the term dating, i personally would not allow it,
i would need to present it to my child another way making sure she and her friends understood that it is not a date, when you think date that implies, hand holding and even maybe a kiss and that would not be happening, too young, way too young

I understand how you feel and believe me the thought of my kids actually dating gives me hives, but you can call it what you want, kids are going to do what they want. If they want to hold hands and share a peck they are not going to consult you. They will do it at school, on the bus etc. They don't need to call it a date for it to be one. Unfortunately you cannot "allow" them to do these things. You can tell them what you expect of them as a person and hope they listen, but when push comes to shove they are going to do what they feel is right for them. I had a friend who's parents were so strict when we were kids. Let's just say that while she didn't officially "date" she certainly was a busy girl.

 

[powellrj]

this thread is timely because my middle DS has a group of friends and they have been "going out" together since middle school.

They started off with parents dropping them off at the movies and then picking them up when the movie was over. They progressed to eating at the food court after the movie.

They are all 16 now and all went to the prom together. The weekend before they all went to a play together. If you were to ask them, none of them would consider that they date each other. They are just friends that go out together. Even the ones that have now paired off and have been on actual dates still are friends and go out with the group.


I think its a great way for kids to get comfortable with the other sex in a no pressure kind of way. They have gotten really comfortable going out as a group ( and I consider when there are only 4 going still a group) and now that they are teens they are able to go out and just have a good time without any pressure.

DS still doesn't think he has ever been on a date. I have asked him about going out on a date and he tells there isn't anyone he really wants to go out with! I asked him "wasn't going to prom a date" and he looked at me and said no, that was just going out!

 

[HPGIRL]

here are some things that u can say she/he can do can go to a place that u approve,Its a group that you know well (parents,girl/boy scouts,any suppervised group),and only if u drive her.
She/he maybe mad at u,but its coming from her mom,she cant stay mad at u forever.Just give her/him some room to chillax for a while.She'll/he'll give up after u make it clear that she/he only has two choises,

#1.go with the flow
#2.stay home and be sad that she/he didn't chose the #1.


~coming from a kid

 

[momof5boys]

Hoo boy you opened a can of worms with this one. I agree with previous posts that kids will find ways to do what they want unless you lock them in a cage. Heck if this was 100 years ago most people were expected to be married by 18! If your son is responsible(as responsible as a 13y.o boy can be ), respects you and others I see no reason why he shouldn't be able to hang out with his friends. Sure it's a girl and they may call it a date but at this age it is usually a group event. Secretly I'm laughing cuz my DS12 just asked a girl to dance at the farewell dance(and it was a fast dance not a slow one! ) But 2 girls asked him to dance. Yes the girls grow up faster so maybe they're the ones we should worry about! Talk to your son, if he's open with you I say let him go and have fun. PS ask lots of questions it can be a learning experience for both of you!

 

[bluesaturn]

I understand how you feel and believe me the thought of my kids actually dating gives me hives, but you can call it what you want, kids are going to do what they want. If they want to hold hands and share a peck they are not going to consult you. They will do it at school, on the bus etc. They don't need to call it a date for it to be one. Unfortunately you cannot "allow" them to do these things. You can tell them what you expect of them as a person and hope they listen, but when push comes to shove they are going to do what they feel is right for them. I had a friend who's parents were so strict when we were kids. Let's just say that while she didn't officially "date" she certainly was a busy girl.

I agree with you. Passing down a blanket law saying aren't "allowed" to date isn't going to do much to stop most kids (maybe you have really obediant kids though). They will just call it something else, but they will still be interested in the opposite (or maybe the same) sex. They will definitely find ways to spend time together, and if they want to kiss and hold hands etc. they will find a time and place to do it. I personally think communication is the most important aspect, if they aren't afraid to tell you what is going on in their lives, you have an opportunity to teach them, not just control them. Tell them what kind of choices you expect from them, and WHY these choices are important.

The kids who weren't "allowed" to date in high school and middle school still dated. Often in more dangerous ways (sneaking around, lying, etc.) These kids also had attentive, strict parents and were the "good" kids. A determined teenager will find a way, especially if they are bitter at their parents. They could have benefited from some parental advice, but they could never tell their parents anything so they had to make all their decisions on their own (or with the help of equally clueless peers).