Middle Schoolers Dating???

[Mouse House Mama]

I agree with you. Passing down a blanket law saying aren't "allowed" to date isn't going to do much to stop most kids (maybe you have really obediant kids though). They will just call it something else, but they will still be interested in the opposite (or maybe the same) sex. They will definitely find ways to spend time together, and if they want to kiss and hold hands etc. they will find a time and place to do it. I personally think communication is the most important aspect, if they aren't afraid to tell you what is going on in their lives, you have an opportunity to teach them, not just control them. Tell them what kind of choices you expect from them, and WHY these choices are important.

The kids who weren't "allowed" to date in high school and middle school still dated. Often in more dangerous ways (sneaking around, lying, etc.) These kids also had attentive, strict parents and were the "good" kids. A determined teenager will find a way, especially if they are bitter at their parents. They could have benefited from some parental advice, but they could never tell their parents anything so they had to make all their decisions on their own (or with the help of equally clueless peers).

Exactly!!!

 

[queenarmadillo]

I agree that communication is the most important thing. Your son could just as easily have told you he was going to the cinema with some friends, but instead has let you know the truth. If you make dating an issue between you, it is going to become an aspect of his life that you are completely shut off from, and therefore have no influence over when the issue isn't "can I go to the cinema with girls" but "can I sleep over at girlfriends house."

Equally importantly, it seems like your sons peers are begining dating now. If you prevent him from joining them until a certain fixed time, he is going to be "thrown in at the deep end" so to speak. Instead of learning together about what a relationship is, and taking it slowly, he will begin dating at a point when certain "relationship milestones" have already been passed by the other kids, and have become first or second date actions rather than things that might take six months of relationship to occur.

If your concern is dating itself then you might want to lay down rules for the future, but if it is other things that dating may lead to, then take the opportunity to talk to him about why it is best not to rush into those things.

 

[armywife01]

I am a mother of a 15 yo DD and a 13 yo DS and my children know that they can group date when they turn 16 (And a group date is defined as the group going out together, staying together, and returning home together...not separating into couples when they are out of adult eyesight). They can single date at 17 1/2 to 18 yo.

Both of my teens are good kids who are responsible, but I have instilled my expectations upon them since they were as little as my youngest DDs. I didn't just tell them that they couldn't date, but I also explained my reasons why and gave them the chance to ask questions and express their opinions. They understand and are willing to wait in order to have something to look forward to later in their teen years. It's good for them to enjoy being kids w/o the pressures that dating can bring.

It is TRULY a personal decision based on your family and your child. I guess I am just a little jaded because I am a Labor & Delivery nurse and have seen way too many babies having babies. JMHO

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I just found out that my 13 year old son asked a girl to go out on a double date to the movies with him and another boy/girl combo. He did this without asking us, and I haven't heard what the outcome is. I don't know how I feel about this-aside from the fact that I don't want my baby to grow up. But, I guess it would be a small group of kids going to the movie, obviously with an adult driving. Isn't it a little young? Do I say no? Is it harmless, it would be during the day. I'm a little peeved that he didn't ask us first, anyway.

Then I have to deal with the fact that my son doesn't need me anymore, but that's another thread.

Wouldn't sit right with me, for several reasons. #1 being that I did the same thing at the same age and I was MAKING OUT at the movie theater with my "boyfriend". I STILL cannot tell you the plots of several movies I allegedly watched back in the mid-'80s.
The rule in my family was that I had to be 16 to "actually" date. When I met a really nice guy at age 15.5 and was MUCH more mature than I had been at 13, I successfully lobbied for permission to date a bit early. He was a great guy who treated me very well, and even though I'm sure my mother thought we were having sex, we weren't! We broke up after 3 years and I'm proud to say I still talk to him once in a while (16 years later) and he's STILL a nice guy. So I'd say it all depends on the child, his/her maturity level, AND the significant other involved. If I didn't know this girl and her parents, I'd be especially wary, if I were you!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

If my kids want to go to a friend's house after school, I make them take a picture of the friend and her parent(s) with their cell phones and send it immediately. I also request that the mom and/or dad make a peace sign or rock/paper/scissors or something like that so I know I'm not getting a canned picture. My kids were completely embarrased to ask their friends' folks at first, but the parents found it funny and effective. I'm sure my parents wish they had this technology 25 years ago!!

Now THAT is funny! And quite effective!

 

[Whosemom]

I agree that communication is the most important thing. Your son could just as easily have told you he was going to the cinema with some friends, but instead has let you know the truth.

But he didn't. His dad found out some way and the boy has no idea mom knows.

I have told my kids (11, 8, and 6) no dating until they are 16, and then in groups. Not that they care yet. LOL. but its out there if someone happens to ask one of them in the next couple of years.

Our high school's "culture" seems to be blobs of kids traveling about and not too much pairing off. Hopefully that will remain the norm. In my Sunday school class, which is grades 5 and up (small church), I see a big difference between the kids from different schools. My daughter goes to a small Christian Academy, one of the girls goes to the area Catholic school (that makes things interesting on other topics) and the rest go to the public school. I'm not so niave as to think none of the kids at the church schools are dating or even having sex, but the public school kids in general are further down that path by middle school. I taught middle school 15 years ago, and even back then in a small rural school there were 8th and 9th graders taunting each other about "still" being a virgin.

 

[jakoky]

this is something i am dealing with full force...i have a dd-16, a ds-almost 14 and a dd-11 1/2...i had always told my daughter that she could date when she was 15...my parents told me 16 and you know what, i did anyway...this isnt what i want with my kids, i want them to tell me things BUT i still want control... We are lucky with my oldest daughter in that she is not boy crazy, she likes to hang out with her friends more...she has just turned 16 and has had 1 boyfriend and really likes another boy right now..has had many chances to date other boys but not that interested...kinda amazing as her friends always have boyfriends...my daughter is so busy with cheerleading and work i think it takes a lot of her time...now my son, he came to me in gr 7 because he liked a girl and of course, being 13 i said no way, but then his older sister came to his rescue and told me i should let him. I reconsidered and said yes, but they only saw each other at school...he has had one more since then..my youngest daughter is sooooo not interested in boys yet....whew...the reason this is such a tough subject is we really need our kids to be open with us but they need to know the rules...i think if your son is mature, then it isnt so bad, but i think i would be more comfortable if the "movie date" included a larger group...good luck
sharon
me, dh, dd-16-, ds-almost 14-, dd-11 1/2-
WDW-Dec 04-first disney experience for my DH, DD, DS, DD and first time at WDW for us all
DL-MAY 06-first time at DL for DH and kids , and my 9th(but the first 8 were all by the time i was about 13) so it was all new to me
COUNTDOWN IS ON....WE ARE GOING BACK TO DL SEPT 15-25!!!!!

 

[dismom9761]

I have found this thread extremely interesting.My DS11 will be entering middle school this fall and has been girl crazy since birth. He has already been asked to go to the movies with a girl(she liked him and recently moved) and my first reaction was NO way but then I talked to the mom.She ended up taking 5 kids to the movies and sat between the girls and boys. My DH has no problem with him going out in groups but I insist an adult be with them at all times.I wasn't alowed(sp?) to date until 16 and then only if they knew the boy and he had to be my age.Well my DH is 7 years older than me and we began dating a week before I turned 17. I agree with the posts that stress keeping the lines of communication open.

 

[SnowWhite12]

This thread is amazing to me! I am in no way putting anyone's parenting decisions down. Only you know your child. But I am 33 years old. I had my first serious 3 year relationship starting at age 15. Everyone in my home town started going on real dates (meaning the boy picks up the girl) as Freshman, and usually the boys were one-three years older. (How do you expect boys to take girls to dances at schools and homecoming and stuff?) That's just what you did. A lot of freshman girls dated Senior boys. I just can't imagine how kids can be expected not to date until age 18. How would that get them prepared to go college? I am a school social worker, so I hear the "real deal" from kids around the schools. And believe me (I'm not saying all) but a lot of kids do pair off once the group gets out of adults sight, and plenty make out in front of the group (anyone ever hear of truth or dare?). And I don't think just because someone dates they'll automatically have sex (which I am a firm believer in abstinence); but average age of girls losing virginity whether dating or just hooking up at a "get-together" is 14-15 years old.

 

[Keara'sMom]

This thread has been very interesting--and frightening--for the mother of a 10-year-old! I just thought I'd share that yesterday, my dd came home from school and told me that two kids in her fourth grade class were dating! I asked her what this meant, and she said they were "going out." I know that the boy wants to take the girl to the movies, and the girl plans to go to the boy's baseball game tomorrow night.

The first words out of my mouth to my dd were, "You aren't interested in all that, are you?!" Thankfully, she said no, and I reiterated how I felt 10 was way too young to be "dating." She agreed.

I have to agree, though, with many of the other posters who said that lots of kids will do things despite their parents' objections. Communication is key, and I'm very happy that my dd hasn't yet learned to keep things from me (here's hoping that she never does!!! )

 

[va32h]

OP, how did your son and his friend think they would transport their "dates" without cars or drivers' licenses?

My daughter is 11, and this year (5th grade) she had a "boyfriend". The relationship seemed to consist entirely of avoiding each other as much as possible, since theywere both too embarrassed to actually be seen talking together by their peers. But he did used to walk her from the school to the corner where I pick her up.

They "broke up" last winter because another boy dared him to eat a sloppy joe that had fallen on the cafeteria floor, and he did, and my so daughter lost all respect for him!!

I would be okay with a mixed group of 13 year olds going to a movie BUT I would go with them and sit in the theater, and I would not call it "dating", just friends going out. Okay, maybe I wouldn't sit behind them, but I would be in the theater somwhere, because I know that when I was 13, the thing to do was have your mom watch you buy tickets for some PG movie, and promptly sneak into a R rated one as soon as you were out of sight.

Personally, I don't consider it a "date" until the boy is actually capable of picking the girl up and taking her somewhere without asking mom to drive.

Everyone in my home town started going on real dates (meaning the boy picks up the girl) as Freshman, and usually the boys were one-three years older. (How do you expect boys to take girls to dances at schools and homecoming and stuff?) That's just what you did. A lot of freshman girls dated Senior boys

NO WAY would I let a 17 or 18 year old high school senior take my 14 year old daughter anywhere. Three years in itself are not a big deal, but those three years definitely are, IMO. I do plan to let my girls go to dances in high school - but with their classmates, not older boys.