Middle School Parent's Anonymous

[Steffi]

My name is Stephanie, and I'm the parent of a middle-schooler. My friend teaches middle school and has for years. Why didn't she warn me about these years? Was she afraid I'd pack my bags and take to the streets if I knew the truth?

DD is miserable at middle school and therefore miserable at home. I have no idea how to help her.

She finally adjusted to the workload and classes and teachers, which was her major concern going into middle school. Now the friend problems have begun. Why are girls this age so mean to each other? DD is having problems with a couple of girls that were her "BFF" last year. Now they are all conspiring against each other and just being nasty in general. If it's not one thing, it's another.

Every morning is a struggle to get DD out the door to school, every morning it's a different excuse not to go to school. Sometimes she starts the campaign the night before. I've been practically having to drag her kicking and screaming to school every day for the past week and a half. By the time I drop her off at school, I feel like I've done a whole day's work.

I feel so bad for her, and I wish I could make this easier on her! She's been taking all of her anger and frustration out on me when she gets home, so it's hard to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her. I do manage to talk to her, though, encourage her to be her own person, tell her she's strong and can handle this and that I'm there for her, DH is there for her, reassure her of our unconditional love, etc... It's just such a tough cycle lately.

DD did approach the guidance counselor about the problems last week, but was discouraged to bring "petty friend problems" (guidance counselor's words) to the guidance counselor. I don't know if DD just needs some more time to adjust, or if I should see about getting her some outside counseling. I'm always there for her, but maybe she wants to talk with someone who's not so close to her?

Ok, I feel better now! Not as much better as I'd feel if I could still kiss all her hurts away, but it was good to get that off my chest! Someone tell me that this gets easier, for DD and for Mom...please?

 

[suzannews]

My DD also started middle school this year and so far, so good. She does have a friend that gets off the bus every afternoon in tears. We were told some kids like the freedom of middle school and some kids don't, we are the lucky ones! We've had a few "friend" problems in the past and just encouraged my daughter to make some new friends and not get caught up in their trouble. As for the guidance person, I'm sure they hear this kind of stuff all the time but thats no reason to be short with your daughter. Why would she want to go back and talk to them if something else was going on?

Good luck to you and your DD!!

 

[Disney Doll]

A very poor response from the guidance couselor and I'd make sure the principal and the supervisor of the guidance counselor were made aware of the response.

Meanwhile, maybe talking to an objective 3rd party like an outside counselor might help.

 

[llp479]

I've got twins in 7th grade this year. Middle school here is 6 - 8th. I tried to warn my girls before school even started that girls can be mean and nasty, and that they needed to stay out of it and above it. I think it's twice as hard for girls, because they also have all those lovely hormones coming into play, and all the changes that their bodies go through.

I tried to stear them away from clothing choices etc. that might make them targets for teasing etc. When they get home, they have 30 minutes to unwind before we start homework. We also have a rule in our house that everyone has to be civil to one another. You're not allowed to be rude and nasty to teachers, so you're not allowed to be that way to family members either.

As for the guidance conselor, I would be on the phone explaining to him/her that you have all you can do just to get her to school and she was reaching out for help and was basically denied. I might even be tempted to talk to the principal depending on how the conversation goes. If the guidance conselor isn't the appropriate person to talk to, who is?

Good luck and hang in there!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

When my DD was in middle school I found that middle school girls were the most, how do I say this nicely...uh, I'll just say it. They were the nastiest little creatures. It does get better in high school, but middle school can be tough. I haven't had such a tough time with my boys, as far as a collective group of kids, but as individuals, they go through personality changes. My 8th grader was known as "the perfect angel" until he was entering 7th grade. He's still a good kid grade wise, but he's so moody now.

I think that the middle school years are tough because their bodies are going through so many changes. It's like the terrible twos and extreme PMS all rolled into one.

 

[hydster]

AAWW to you guys! I've had my own share of dd's middle school problems this week as well. This is such a sucky time in their lives! Between changing schools, learning at a "faster" rate than Elementary, H~O~R~M~O~N~E~S are a KILLER, and re-inventing the pecking order of friends is so hard! It's so horrible that girls are SO flippin' mean.

My mil gave me a book last year called Odd Girl Out The Hidden Culture of Agression in Girls by Rachel Simmons. The book points out the subtle ways girls express anger, definitions of popularity and the inner working of cliques, bullying across racial and socioeconomic lines, hidden jealousies, competition and emotional abuse among close friends and school attitudes about it all. This book is written by an author who goes to 4 different schools and talks to girls about this very thing.

Honestly it really opened my dd's eyes to the idea that she is normal and that girls do this to each other everywhere. For a long time she thought it was her but I had her read it and it really helped her to cope. She didn't have any real bad situations where her friends abandoned her or chose someone else to hang with but she was having some issues with bullying and stuff.

I really feel your pain as a mom though! It's SO hard to watch your kids struggle and feel there is nothing you can do to help. Would it be possible for your dd to invite someone over this weekend just to "chill" with?? Maybe if she could get one friend it might be enough to keep her going.

Good luck for ALL of us with dd's in middle school. I'm glad I only have one though! Hang in there and know there are many of us going through these issues too! We're always here if you need a shoulder to on.

 

[bekkiz]

This is a fabulous book that will help you help her through middle and high school!
Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence
By Rosalind Wiseman

http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wa...=pd_bbs_3/002-9198955-5561633?ie=UTF8&s=books

 

[minkydog]

I don't know, this is our 3rd year in middle school and it's starting again. DD13 called me from school, sick, gotta come home. When I picked her up she didn't want to talk, so I assumed she had started her period. She would only say she was queasy, and she was clammy to touch. After we got home she wanted to watch TV and play on the computer Uh...no!~ You can read books or knit or rest, but no friends and no electronics.
Then she wanted some candy--You're sick, remember? No candy. Here's popsicle. DD took a long nap and felt better after that, but still no electronics. If she feels well enough to do that, she can clean the gerbils cage I think she was glad to go to school today.

 

[Tink33]

Hi ladies, I will join in too. My DD is in 7th grade this year and it is her second year of middle school.

I have a DS in High School and a degree in Psychology so I thought I was prepared for it. Nothing could prepare me for last year. Some highlights from last year were a 6th grader who came to school and claimed she was pregnant, a 6th grade girl who brought a knife to school and 1,000,000 phone calls from girls at all hours of the day and night crying about who was mean to them or who broke up with whom... I never experienced any drama like this with my son at the same school. Luckily, one of my DD's best friends is a boy. When drama was at the extreme, she hung out with him.

My best advice is to have your child join a school activity. Last year my DD ran cross country, was a 6th grade ASB rep and played on the hockey team. She made new friends through these activities and really wanted to go to school.

 

[kimmikayb]

I'll join this club. I have a girl in 7th grade. I was told by a high school teacher that middle school is the lowest form of life form. They are so incredibly mean. Girls especially. I try to help my DD, but there is only so much I can do. She's been hit in the head, dropped by her best friends, yelled at, swore at, been declared war on....the list goes on. She sticks up for the little guy and made enemies by doing so. Still, I'm proud she sticks up for kids like that. It's funny because our new principal just told us the kids have a right to come to school and not be treated that way. We'll see.

 

[kelleigh1]

I'm not the Mom, I'm the Aunt, but my sister is going through this with my niece. She'll be 13 in October and started school last week. She's miserable. For the last 3 years, she's been in Germany, but now they are stationed back in the U.S., so added to the "middle school drama" is the fact that she's the "new girl".

She's always been popular mainly because she made friends easily. But now she feels like she doesn't fit in. My sister has begun doing some research on books out there that may help, so I'm sharing your suggestions with her.

She has been telling my niece that she's not alone, that we went through it too, which has made her feel a little better, but she's still not the same person she was just a few months ago.

 

[golfgal]

I have 2 middle schoolers. I am SO not ready for the drama. Last year, 5th grade, their school had middle school as 5-8th grades, this new school is 6-8 for middle school. DD makes friends very easily and has always been friends with everyone, HOPEFULLY that will continue. DS also makes friends easily but boys don't tend to be as nasty to each other so hopefully no issues there. We have a few more days of being drama free. I did notice some of the girls around the twins' lockers yesterday had the classic "I am the queen of middle school" attitude. Hopefully DD doesn't get caught up in that.

My SIL is a middle school principal and is PERFECT for the job. She LOVES middle school, I think she is NUTS!!!! I am certified to teach middle school but it takes a special breed of teacher to do that and I am NOT it.

 

[barkley]

i hate the concept of middle schools- i like the old traditional k-6, 7-9, 10-12th so much better. it just seems that the age most middle schools handle is ripe for nasty behaviours, and you get what were nice 5th graders thrown into 6th with older kids who are post puberty and pursing sexual issues such that their behaviour starts impacting how the youngest ones think they should be behaving. scary, scary!

its seems like middle school is the time when kids crash and burn-makes you wonder (1) how the staff can handle it day in and out, (2) why the whole concept has'nt been rethought out.

 

[TLHB70]

I am a middle school mom too. DD just started 6th grade and is dealing with all of these new issues. I did write her a letter after reading the thread about that here recently. I bought her a book and have tried to talk to her. I am earnestly praying every day for her to find a really great friend. She has friends, but I am praying for that really best girlfriend.......you know, the one that you can tell everything to. She doesn't really have that yet. She is also one that sticks up for the underdog so she doesn't have the "popular" kids' attitude. Ooohhh, I dread this school year!

 

[hydster]

We still have the "traditional" K-6, 7-9, 10-12 here and honestly I don't think it's all that good either.

Just my humble opinion though.

 

[padams]

Sitting here quietly observing...DS is a 5th grader. He can stay at his elementary school for 6th grade or he can move on to middle school. We're trying to decide what to do next year. Sounds like middle school is a bit easier for the boys.

 

[SuBeat]

Sitting here quietly observing...DS is a 5th grader. He can stay at his elementary school for 6th grade or he can move on to middle school. We're trying to decide what to do next year. Sounds like middle school is a bit easier for the boys.

"Easier" maybe, but not easy. DS started middle school last year in 6th grade and we had our share of ups and downs. I think the biggest difference with boys is that their conflicts tend to flare up and go out much quicker than those with girls. Boys will want to fight each other (I blame it on all that testosterone in their systems), girls cause emotional pain instead, and that lasts a lot longer.

Boy or girl though, it's a tough age. They are growing and changing in so many ways, and confidence and self-esteem can be low. DS takes things so seriously sometimes...even when someone is obviously joking with him, that's frustrating. He's actually a funny and pretty popular kid, but he'd never admit that to himself.

 

[ozarkmom]

I really feel for you. We have jr. high (7-9) and it was terrible for my dd. My ds's never had any of the problems. My dd's problems went way beyond the normal mean girl stuff. I hate to say but I buried my head in the sand for quite a while and by the time I realized how bad it was a lot of damage was done. I don't mean to scare you because I know that what my daughter went through was not the norm. Anyway listed to your dd and I also would speak to the counselor that is the kind of thing that they are there for!

 

[Lil_Tink]

[I didnt read many posts, just sharing my experience]

I somewhat had the same problem in the beginning of middle school [6th grade, now in 9th] My "bff's" turned on me leaving me in the dust. I decided to leave them, and go make some new friends, and it worked great. I have moved and yet am still great friends with those girls, and found myself alot happier.

 

[Minnie]

Sitting here quietly observing...DS is a 5th grader. He can stay at his elementary school for 6th grade or he can move on to middle school. We're trying to decide what to do next year. Sounds like middle school is a bit easier for the boys.

Nope as a mother of a middle school age boy it is not easier. The boys are just as nasty as the girls at times