Middle school absences for illness WWYD? (sorry, long)

[princessmom29]

I appreciate everyone's responses so far. I am very stressed with sick children this fall (my 5yo is catching every bug in kindergarten ) and this teacher is bringing out my inner mama bear so I want to be reasonable when I talk to her. I know I'm only hearing half of the story, but her obvious concern is for his homework, not his health since she also didn't ask about it when she talked to DH on the phone.

As a teacher we are not encouraged to ask children about medical issues for privacy reasons. If they volunteer information it is ok to allow the child to talk about it but we are told not to pry for information or to ask a child about a medical issue unprompted. If we need to know about something for whatever reason we can go to a parent and ask if they are willing to share the info, but that is it. It may be that the teacher is boud by rules or doesn't feel that it is her place. Her comments could have also been easily misinterpreted by other students who knew how your DS felt about the situation. A simple "oh, he's out again" that was meant as nothing more than an experssion of concern about the child in question could be seen in an entirely different light by a child that knows your DS thinks the teacher is giving him a hard time. I would sit down with the teacher and clear the air in a calm manner. Tell her what your concerns are and get her perspective on what happening here. It is amazing to me how many people here have just assumed that the teacher is a jerk, because that really may not be the case as we only have one side of the story. As ateacher I would hope that no parent would make that assumption before speaking to me about the issue. I would also hope never to make the same judgment about a parent without getting their perspective on things.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Sorry, but I think you have to get to the bottom of the homework issue. Is he not doing the work, or not handing it in? Are you sure he's actually doing it? Does he write down the assignments in some sort of planner that you check regularly? Do you see the finished work going into the backpack?

This is not a small issue, and as the mother of a DS12, I can tell you how frustrating it is. Last year, my son got a couple horrible report cards--he's a smart kid, tested great, but was so disorganized! He would "forget" homework was expected. "forget" to hand it in. His locker could have hidden Jimmy Hoffa. You get the idea. I had a group conference at the school--the teachers assured me it was a common issue. I e-mailed them weekly, most responded (if there was something going on). We had to have each teacher sign DS's agenda, wher he wrote assignments. Big projects were written on the calendar. I helped him to break big things into smaller, more manageable pieces--he jsut had no clue as to how to organize himself.

He's in 7th grade now, and it's so much better! He's even said, "Mom, life is easier when you're organized!" Not that he's great at it, but he made honor roll, and no issues with school work at all. So, some of what you're seeing is the age. But, you still have to deal with that head-on. And the fact that your son has missed a lot, and will miss more, makes it all the more important.

I'm not trying to be harsh on you, really, but you have to be more involved in this. It's a PITA, and I completely get that you may feel he "shouldn't need that at this stage". But, he does.

In addition, I recommend you talk to the teacher, see if she has other recommendations as to what you can do to keep your son caught up. Talking to her before the surgery would be most helpful. I was stunned that my son's teachers were all so concerned and willing to work with our family. Except for one--she would send an e-mail saying, "Oh, he missed this, it was due last week." Um, thanks.

Anyway, I hope you get through this, and your son's surgery goes well.

 

[jrmasm]

said he wasn't doing well at turning in his homework.

Why does this have anything to do with the teacher? He needs to do his homework and then turn it in. If he missed school, he's old enough to get the assignments. What am I missing?

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

Sorry, but I think you have to get to the bottom of the homework issue. Is he not doing the work, or not handing it in? Are you sure he's actually doing it? Does he write down the assignments in some sort of planner that you check regularly? Do you see the finished work going into the backpack?

This is not a small issue, and as the mother of a DS12, I can tell you how frustrating it is. Last year, my son got a couple horrible report cards--he's a smart kid, tested great, but was so disorganized! He would "forget" homework was expected. "forget" to hand it in. His locker could have hidden Jimmy Hoffa. You get the idea. I had a group conference at the school--the teachers assured me it was a common issue. I e-mailed them weekly, most responded (if there was something going on). We had to have each teacher sign DS's agenda, wher he wrote assignments. Big projects were written on the calendar. I helped him to break big things into smaller, more manageable pieces--he jsut had no clue as to how to organize himself.

He's in 7th grade now, and it's so much better! He's even said, "Mom, life is easier when you're organized!" Not that he's great at it, but he made honor roll, and no issues with school work at all. So, some of what you're seeing is the age. But, you still have to deal with that head-on. And the fact that your son has missed a lot, and will miss more, makes it all the more important.

I'm not trying to be harsh on you, really, but you have to be more involved in this. It's a PITA, and I completely get that you may feel he "shouldn't need that at this stage". But, he does.

In addition, I recommend you talk to the teacher, see if she has other recommendations as to what you can do to keep your son caught up. Talking to her before the surgery would be most helpful. I was stunned that my son's teachers were all so concerned and willing to work with our family. Except for one--she would send an e-mail saying, "Oh, he missed this, it was due last week." Um, thanks.

Anyway, I hope you get through this, and your son's surgery goes well.

Thank-you, this was the kind of input I was looking for with the homework issue, I was asking how parents deal with middle schoolers (older children) who aren't turning in missing assignments. This may be a solution for us, but I think it will only be necessary in language arts.

I don't think his issue is disorganization, the assignments she said he's missing are from when he's absent. I think he's intimidated by how he perceives her to feel about him so he won't ask for the missed assignments. He has said that she's given him a gruff response when he's asked before and he would definitely be senstive to that. It has helped some that he has a close friend in that class now so she calls and fills him in. All of his other classes he says he's up to date in. I will find out for sure if I get his progress report today, but since he was honest with me about his language arts score I believe his other grades are probably fine. I also don't know what doing "bad" might mean until I see the report because in our house I frown on a C unless you don't understand the material. The kids all know a C from not doing homework is unacceptable.

Why does this have anything to do with the teacher? He needs to do his homework and then turn it in. If he missed school, he's old enough to get the assignments. What am I missing?

See my response above.

 

[MineMail]

The OP knows that the homework is an issue and will have her son get the job done.

The son's reluctance to do it is probably because the rest of the class has already moved on past those topics. It's not fresh in his or the classmates' minds, so it falls by the wayside.

Getting a list of the missing work from each teacher makes both the teacher and the student accountable. There's a difference between teaching responsibility and setting a kid up to fail. Just mho. Students should be proactive in getting makeup work and homework done, but the teachers should be willing to help when a student has repeated health issues.

One of my sister's kids was badly injured in an accident. She missed months of school because the school building wasn't wheelchair-accessible. The NYC Department of Education assigned a free tutor to come to her home and go over her lessons and homework with her several times a week. It had an unexpected side benefit: her math grades soared because she was receiving one-on-one attention.

Ask the teacher about getting the missing assignments and notes. Since you are capable of home schooling, you could tutor him each day for an hour to get the job done. Like it or not, his grades could cause him to lose his place in the high-level academic classes. If he wants to stay with his friends, he should buckle down and get the work completed before the marking period ends. Don't be tempted to put it off until the holidays because it'll just ruin the vacation - use that as a carrot: "Won't it be nice to get all of this work done before the break, so we can enjoy the time off from school?"

Try to meet with the Guidance Counselor about tutoring to help your son catch up on his work. Doesn't hurt to ask. Changing teachers may backfire if it requires him to change teams or tracks - he could end up in a setting that isn't challenging or interesting and that would be far worse than being behind.

You should also talk to your son about listening to his friends' remarks about the teacher's body language and attitude. Hearsay isn't always accurate. Kids that age tend to jump to conclusions that aren't valid. Your DS might be giving the teacher attitude because of what the other kids have told him, which is also not right. A fresh start might help.

 

[MineMail]

How is he going to learn responsibility for his work if his teacher tells me his assignments like a 1st grader and I stand over him telling him to do it?

He's acting like a 1st grader, though. It's not just the absences, judging by your posts; the missing homework is also happening when he's in school. He needs some help from you and the teacher to get him back on track.

I think he needs to feel the conseuences of seeing his grades falling and be punished for it to understand, but I honestly don't think it's going to help in this class. He doesn't respect the teacher, doesn't care what she thinks of his work or his grades because he feels she is hateful towards him.

Your last statement is bothersome because he needs to learn that there are going to be people who don't like you, or that your don't like, throughout his life. The key is learning how to deal with your feelings while doing the right thing.

The teacher says this is the homework and it's part of your grade. Sounds like that rule is fair and everyone else in the class has to follow it, so he needs to put his feelings aside and catch up. You need to talk to him about this, because there will always be a teacher, a coach, a supervisor, a manager or someone else in a position of authority who doesn't like you or you don't like him. Running away (to homeschooling in this case) doesn't help him deal with his emotions.

There's probably a healthy does of guilt on his part as well. He knows the homework's due, but he can't motivate himself. You need to help him get a list, make a plan, and get the work done and handed in ASAP. Then his attitude might change, and I'll bet hers will too.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I just spoke with the guidance counselor and she said as long as his grades were okay he would not be held back for missing so many days so that's a relief. Also on the plus side of this, they have someone who deals with attendance and after kids have missed so many days of school the parents generally get a letter home. She thought I would've gotten one, maybe I haven't because of the dr.'s notes, but she is going to speak to that person and let them know what's going on with DS's health so there won't be a truancy issue.

I also rechecked the school's website and now both of his teachers for his core classes have the assignments on there so now I can stay on top of that.

He's not falling behind in the material in his classroom, alot of what he's learning is either very easy for him or repitition. That's why I get so upset with him about his grades falling when he doesn't turn in homework, he doesn't need a tutor, he needs to do the work even though he doesn't like the class/teacher.

 

[RMulieri]

You are only hearing HALF of the Story and some of it is 3rd person and hearsay.You need to sit down with the teacher for a meeting.I know in these cases it is easy to be the protective "Mom" .I am the same way with my daughter.But I have also found out already ( and she is only in Kindergrten but has been in daycare for years), that the stuff my daughter and her friends may tell me about what happened at school is not always the truth, nor the full story.I am not saying that this is the case.You may have a very unprofessional teacher.But it is something you need to take into account.Homework and class participation are a MAJOR part of school.Alot of schooling is done after the day ends. There is only so much a teacher can cover throughout the day, and the onus is on the child to complete it on time.If they are sick, that is terrible and regrettable.But it does not excuse them from the work.Missed and not made up work ,lots of abscences ( regardless of reason), and missing class participation is grounds to leave a child back a year.So I would set up a meeting asap and try to remain calm till you get through the meeting.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I just have to point out also that I find it ironic that the kids are penalized for not turning in their work on time, however Monday of this week progress reports were supposed to come home and I will hopefully get them today, and my 8th grade DD has only brought home hers for 2 classes. So much for setting an example .

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

He's acting like a 1st grader, though. It's not just the absences, judging by your posts; the missing homework is also happening when he's in school. He needs some help from you and the teacher to get him back on track.


Your last statement is bothersome because he needs to learn that there are going to be people who don't like you, or that your don't like, throughout his life. The key is learning how to deal with your feelings while doing the right thing.

The teacher says this is the homework and it's part of your grade. Sounds like that rule is fair and everyone else in the class has to follow it, so he needs to put his feelings aside and catch up. You need to talk to him about this, because there will always be a teacher, a coach, a supervisor, a manager or someone else in a position of authority who doesn't like you or you don't like him. Running away (to homeschooling in this case) doesn't help him deal with his emotions.

There's probably a healthy does of guilt on his part as well. He knows the homework's due, but he can't motivate himself. You need to help him get a list, make a plan, and get the work done and handed in ASAP. Then his attitude might change, and I'll bet hers will too.

That's a good point and something else to think about in the decision to homeschool. I don't want him to think that every time you encounter someone you don't want to work with you can just leave. At this point I think the only way I would homeschool him is if he's going to be held back on the basis of his absences.

I didn't mean to give the impression that he's missing homework while he's at school, that's generally not the case (he may have missed one, but for the most part has not). It is the make-up work that he's not getting done and turned in.

 

[Mkrop]

Given the unique cricumstances of this year, I would be on top of him about the homework and this LA class in particular. Talk to the teacher, see if she will help you. She may surprise you.

Let next year when he is hopefully healthy and back on track, be the year that the responsibility falls more on him.

But I do agree with a PP poster that he needs to learn that there are many people in life who are hard to approach but you must push through that to get the job done

 

[princessmom29]

I just have to point out also that I find it ironic that the kids are penalized for not turning in their work on time, however Monday of this week progress reports were supposed to come home and I will hopefully get them today, and my 8th grade DD has only brought home hers for 2 classes. So much for setting an example .

In our school we are given a week in which we need to put them out, and we are "on time" if they are out by friday of that week. Teahers are not perfect. No one is. Have you ever been late with anything?? Sorry, but these kind of statements about teachers really bother me. I get tired of hearing parents bash us for the smallest things constantly. I care about my students, thier education, and their well being and it is really discouraging to see how little parents think of their children's teachers over and over.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I would definately request a meeting with the teacher ASAP! Being from a teacher family, absences are a part of life, and yes, as the kids get older, can present a terrible problem with falling behind, but he's 12, going through a terrible ordeal with his ears, and should be offered lieniency (sp?). God forbid his teacher ever have to go through a long running illness/problem...

The school system should recognize that he's not being truant, that you can prove why he's been out, and work with him. It would be one thing if his grades were bad, but if he's doing well, then they should be willing to work with him.

As for you thinking that the homework "isn't important" scared1... Keep having him work on it like you said you are. Keep those feelings hidden! If he continues in the public school system through high school, his grades will suffer greatly (especially if he continues in the gifted/advanced classes) if he balks on his homework.

As for the teacher copping an attitude when calling role - that's purely unprofessional and should be addressed during the meeting (may help to request that a school counselor or principal attends this meeting as well).

I think there are a lot of issues to be addressed with your DS's school and best of luck getting them ironed out. You are only trying to do your best for him and hopefully someone will recognize that you are being proactive about his education, not sitting around, hoping they pass him on.

 

[seashoreCM]

You and your kid need to be careful about trying to get excused from turning in homework assignments. The other kids in class could well react adversely if they find out about what they superficially think is "preferential" treatment.

 

[RMulieri]

In our school we are given a week in which we need to put them out, and we are "on time" if they are out by friday of that week. Teahers are not perfect. No one is. Have you ever been late with anything?? Sorry, but these kind of statements about teachers really bother me. I get tired of hearing parents bash us for the smallest things constantly. I care about my students, thier education, and their well being and it is really discouraging to see how little parents think of their children's teachers over and over.

I totally agree with you. Teachers also have obligations outside the classroom.My neighbor is a 1st grade teacher and she goes in at 645am ( school starts at 9am) and comes home often after 5pm.Then she is doing prep work /homework till evening.Add to this a husband, a house, and kids of her own and I see how overworked teachers can get.I never take our teachers for granted.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

OP--Definitely talk to the teacher and work with your son, as needed, to get him caught up.

Here's a suggestion for his upcoming surgery: Let the school know well in advance, when this is scheduled. Make whatever arrangements you can to get the required work, as it is assigned. That might mean from a classmate, on the internet, have the teacher set a list aside for you to pick up or get it e-mailed, whatever it takes. Let's say your son is going to miss 2 weeks of school, just to pick a number. Obviously, nobody expects him to be 100% while he's recovering, but he might have a half hour or so, here and there, that he feels well enough to tackle some of the acumulating work. By doing this, the overall stack of missed work won't look so daunting to him. It's possible that he's looking at his stack of missed work and thinking, "There's so much of it, I'll never catch up, and it's all stupid, anyway!" But easy work might be just the ticket when he's got some spare time and can't go outside or hang with friends.

 

[happymommy]

My kids have also been sick a lot this year - my DD had 12 absent days first trimester! We don't have a set number of days that they are limited to be absent - she had strep throat, the H1N1 flu, plus some other minor illnesses (and she almost never gets sick!). It was hard, but she woke at 5am every day to work on make up homework, and had it all made up in a week (she is also in the top gifted program of her school, in the same math class as my son's 13 year old friend).

From what I understand, if your child is going to be absent due to surgery or such, doesn't the county have to provide a tutor at your home? I don't know the number of days that they have to be out for this, but I had a friend in highschool who was in a car accident, so while she was recovering she was tutored at home through the public school (even though we went to a private school). I don't know if two weeks is the cut off, or if it's longer. Or, can you maybe get the month following the surgery assignments, and hire a tutor for a couple of hours a day, then let your son recover and work to keep up at home? Just temporarily of course. I would NOT send him back until he had his strength back after surgery. I missed two solid weeks in highschool after getting my tonsils out (was in the hospital for a week, as I reacted to the pain killers, and they didn't know I'm allergic to them).

I also agree, the only grades a college will see start in 9th grade. So, although I do expect my children to work to their full potential, if he gets a b or a c, I would not be too harsh.

Hope things go better for all of you! Maybe the Christmas break will be a good break, for catching up and some relaxation.

 

[disfan07]

OK...my point of view is from actually being in this position from 7th grade up until now (im a sophmore in college)

I missed 6 weeks of school in a 3 month period in 7th grade (repeated strep adn tonsilectomy)....I too had a teacher who was a jerk and who i hated (and my mom hated her too) but, i had to suck it up and deal with the teacher. I had to be the one responsible for getting my assignments and making sure that i made up everythign that I missed. Even though she was a jerk, and she let me know how she felt about me missing so much school, i couldnt let it bother me.

Unfortunately, he is going to encounter jerks like this throughout his life(teachers, bosses, etc) and its better for him to learn now how to deal with them rather than later.

As for getting upset about his grades becasue of the homework....let him get the grades that hes getting. Stop showing him that your upset. he has to realize the consequences of not doing his homework. If hes not turnign in work, than its not fair for him to get an A in the class even if he is getting As on the tests. Its part of the class. He just needs to learn that no matter how much you might not want to do it, and no matter how much he might not like the teacher, the homework is still his responsibility. Maybe if his grades drop he will learn that lesson.

And yes...a lot of parents (and students) think that homework is just busy work....its really not. The majority of the time, it really does pertain to teh class adn it involves something that the teacher has not had time to finish discussing in the class

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

Thank-you for the link.
olding mine) That's funny, I said almost the exact thing I bolded to my DS this afternoon when he was begging me to homeschool him.

(caps for emphasis, not yelling) I UNDERSTAND HOMEWORK NEEDS TO BE DONE REGARDLESS. As I have said a couple times already, DS and I have discussed consequences for homework not being completed. What my question regarding homework is, how in the world am I as a parent supposed to keep on top of my DS's homework when I don't even know what his assignments are?



Does he keep an assignment notebook? Teachers initial it and then parents do when the work is completed. I have to do this for some of my high school students who are missing homework assignments. It sounds like your son might be shutting down now just so you will homeschool him.

 

[disykat]

I also rechecked the school's website and now both of his teachers for his core classes have the assignments on there so now I can stay on top of that.

Good - this is what I was going to suggest. We have trouble with the makeup work when my youngest misses school. He always thinks he has it "under control" when he clearly doesn't. I try to let him handle school on his own, but when he is absent I check up on him!

Since you are willing to homeschool, the extra time it takes to go through work he's missing due to absenses shouldn't be a big deal.

When my oldest son was in sixth grade his teacher had a reputation of not putting up with absenses. He got pneumonia that year and missed several weeks. Once I made it clear to the teacher that I was going to be involved in helping him stay up with his studies, she was great.