Mid-weekend update

[Rajah]

Sorry I failed to post an update last night. Yesterday was rough, and by the time it came my posting-time, I just didn't have the energy or strength to post. I did still write things out, but in AIM, PM, and Email instead.

So, I'll update y'all on what happened yesterday:

Got off to a slow start yesterday, and ended up over at my mom's about noon. Dropped her off to help my cousin finish up what he could do and I got my oil changed -- that was a week or so behind. It's crazy how even the strangest things make me remember my dad and how much I miss him -- half the time when I got my oil changed, he'd come with me because we'd drop my car off at lunch, then come back and get it when we were done eating. Can't even go get my oil changed without getting depressed.

Mid-afternoon, went to the lawyer's to get our wills signed.

Back to mom's for a bit until the rain stopped enough that I could come back home. But again, she tried forcing more of my dad's stuff out of her house and into ours.

That was really hard, because I can't go through that stuff and process it at the rate she wants us to. She's about to lose her mind because the house is a mess, my dad's office isn't completly empty yet, she can't re-arrange that yet to be a different store-room/library for her stuff. In effect, because we haven't removed nearly all traces of my dad from the house.

IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN TWO WEEKS, ******!!! SLOW DOWN, WOMAN! It's going to take something known as TIME, and you're going to put us or yourself in the hospital trying to move at this rate! (And yes, I've mentioned things to that effect. No effect after an hour. )

I tried to tell her I can't go through this stuff that fast. I do want to keep it before she tries to sell everything my dad owned, but I emotionally *can't handle* going through it that fast.

All I got was an angry look and gesture to shut the **** up. No words to that effect, but the gesture spoke all the volumes needed.

I really can't handle this. As though it weren't bad enough to have to handle dealing with the loss of my dad, I have to try to deal with a mom who's gone practically insane with her attempts (and failures) to deal with things and her inability to actually accept that what help we are giving is all we can give right now.

She refuses to take things one day at a time. Shoot, she refuses to take things one WEEK at a time!

Anyway, sorry for the vent. That left me really upset last night. And today.

Back to story...

Came home, got a call from my cousin and visited for a few minutes, then from my grandma. Those helped me calm down enough that I was able to watch JAG and Stargate with my mom (when she came back here to sleep again), and play a video game I got at Blockbuster to use as a distraction.

Anyway, after everything emotionally straining yesterday, I felt torn nearly in two. Felt like I was down to a single strand of strenth and/or sanity left and I didn't like that feeling. That's why I didn't feel up to posting last night. Shoot, it even took me 2 hours to get up the strength and will-power to do a single load of *laundry*.

I was also dreading today entirely.

Today was a bit better, though, for the most part.

Had my first class this morning. I don't know what I'm getting myself into with this class, but DH and the Prof both think I'm up to the task this semester, and if I'm not... well, I can always drop mid-semester and try again next time it's offered. I know my dad would want me to at least try. He never let me give up in the past when I wanted to quit classes. He wouldn't want me to quit now. Not without at least trying.

Class itself was very good, though. It really did help me get back into the "normal" routine. Even made it 2 hours without feeling depressed. The people at that school are just the greatest (only the prof knew what had happened, I didn't tell anyone else). And one lady I like who's roughly my age has been in my classes the past 2 semesters. She's a great person, makes me laugh all the time, and she did so again today several times. I wish I could hire her to just be in my classes the rest of the program because she's great for my self-confidence. LOL! Too bad she's down to I think one semester left. I'm going to miss working with her.

Came back home, where I crashed for an hour before having my friend take me in to the office today. I wasn't sure how I'd react to being back at work without my dad, and didn't want to drive in in case it was a bad reaction. Turns out I could have done just fine, but I'm glad I had her to vent to when we left.

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with work. Right at the moment, I don't know that I'm comfortable staying there. There are some things I'd like to say about it, but don't feel comfortable talking about on an open discussion board. Suffice it to say, it's adding to my stress level, and I was *already* stressed and depressed (and thus unmotivated) at work *before* Christmas, this just makes things worse and worse.

But I also know right now's not the time to make that kind of decision, and I need to talk to some people before I make any kind of knee-jerk reaction decision that I'll later regret. Because as a whole, this company and department *have* been very good to me. I don't know what I'm going to do. But, as y'all keep reminding me... one day at a time.

Friend and I went by Michael's Crafts and then the bookstore before coming home, where we watched Freaky Friday (my mom re-joined us again. She was going to spend the night at her house tonight, but she wasn't ready. She *says* she was, but she was finding all kinds of excuses to stay *here* instead. Not a problem. Not for now, anyway). FF was a great film, and we both enjoyed it more than the original, which was a surprise. That was a good break.

Then some more game-playing (the game is something like Sphynx and the Cursed Mummy. Quite fun so far) before coming up here.

So, for those who are still with me -- any advice on how to deal with my mother? She's about to drive DH and me up the wall with her panicked state *despite* us trying to help her, she wants all the answers NOW, doesn't matter that places are *CLOSED* until *TUESDAY* and you're NOT going to get those answers until the places open again. She's not letting anyone get *any* rest (well, okay, a slight exaggeration -- rephrase that to *much* rest and certainly not enough) and DH and I are both about worn thin trying to keep up with her. This is just making things worse, but I don't know how to get her to stop. She won't talk to a "3rd party" from EAP, wants to know everything the CFA will know, ask, or say when we *can't* know all that info yet, wants everything in the house done NOW, as well as all the bills and such paid off NOW (doesn't matter if they aren't due for another 2-3 weeks, NOW. Must be done NOWNOWNOWNOW.) I've tried talking to her, and it doesn't seem to do much good. Really, I'm out of ideas. Help?

 

[KatelynnsAuntie]

Gosh, Tammi, I really don't know what to say about your mom.
My first thought was, she just wants all this stuff done NOWNOWNOW so she can keep busy?? Not that that makes it any easier on you, I know.

I'm glad work went okay for you, and that you are trying school. Hopefully that will work out for you.

And I am glad to see you post an update tonight, I looked for one last night too. I am glad you were still writing things out. And it sounds like you have a HUGE network of support.

Hang in there.

 

[Rajah]

Originally posted by KatelynnsAuntie
My first thought was, she just wants all this stuff done NOWNOWNOW so she can keep busy?? Not that that makes it any easier on you, I know.

Sorta. It's a combo of trying to keep busy, and her personality. She's the type of person who when faced with a problem wants to fix every aspect of that problem immediately if not sooner. Sometimes, that's worked to her advantage. Not this time, though, and surely not to mine or DH's.

As for my support network -- it's been very great. Someone has been online somewhere every time I've needed someone to chat with, so that's been a huge help.

 

[CourtasanSatine]

can't give any useful advice but can give you

 

[Planogirl]

You say that your Mom is the type to get things done fast. That's probably how she's coping in her way right now. I can't imagine how difficult that is for you though.

You sound like you're being quite wise about your job situation. You are probably much too fragile right now to make big changes.

Oh dear, I feel so bad for you. It all sounds like SO much to deal with. Please keep the updates coming in any way that's comfortable.

 

[Serena]

Hey Tammi, hang in there. You're doing really well considering everything. I can imagine it doesn't feel like it, but you are.

I wish I had some good advice about your mom. Actually she sounds a lot like mine. The only thing I can think of is to take your breaks when you need to. Force yourself to walk away when you have had enough for the moment and don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Your mom sounds like she is trying to cope by trying not to give herself time to think. That's ok, for her. You make sure you take care of you, and your hubby. He's trying to be there for you and he doesn't want to let you down.
Make sure he takes breaks too.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[helenabear]

Keep on hanging in there Tammi I wish I had advice for you for your mom. If she is that type of person, there is probably not much you can do to change it. I hope that things with your job work out for the best... it can be so hard sometimes, bu take your time deciding.

 

[Aprille]

Sorry you've had a couple of rough days. Hopefully that means you're due for a good day or two. No advice for how to handle your mom. It will probably be good when she is ready to go home so you will both have a little more space.

Keep writing updates as you are able. I won't call you out next time you take a day off.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Tammi, Is there any way you can take your Dad's things and put them in storage some where? Not your house, maybe a storage unit or something (not sure how much stuff there is to go through.) Then it would be out of your Mom's house and you can go through it when you feel up to the task. It sounds like having to go through ALL of it right now is REALLY taking it's toll on you. And I understand not letting your Mom get rid of stuff you might want.

 

[Disney Doll]

I was going to suggest the same thing Jenn Lynn just did. Perhaps you could have your mother box up all your dad's things in her "now,now,now" frenzy, and they could be put in storage until such time as you felt ready to deal with it. Her need to get things done is probably her way of coping. I know that when I am upset about something,. I clean and putter around my house, do yard work, shovel snow, whatever. I choose some task that requires some concentration, so that I can't think about whatever it is that's upsetting me. My guess is that your mom is the same way. In her mind, cleaning out all your dad's stuff is her way to cope, keep busy, and not yet have to think about what has happened these past few days. Remember, people grieve and cope in different ways. Your way may be to slow down, do only those things that are necessary or that you choose to do. Her way is to move, move, move, go, go, go, do, do,do. My mother is the same way. The storage idea is a concrete solution that will help you both. Her by letting her clean, go, and do, and you by giving you the ability to deal with your dad's things in your own time. And in her mind, perhaps she needs to make the house more "hers" in order for her to be able to stay there.

Does she have a trusted friend who might be able to intervene a little? I know my mother has a friend that she's had since high school, and whenever she's getting worked up about something, she calls Gloria, and they figure it out. Gloria may tell my mother the exact same thing I did, but somehow, because it comes from Gloria, she listens.

My prayers and thoughts continue to be with yoo and your family during this difficult, difficult time.

 

[Cindy B]

I had some of my DH's siblings that had a NOWNOWNOW approach to cleaning her house. I remember that Monday after she passed away (she passed on a Saturday) I was cleaning out her fridge, and finishing the laundry she started earlier that weekend!

It took a good month and a half to get it done... and that was with 11 people helping. Granted, we were all working, so it was a month of Saturdays/Sundays.

The house would be a coping mechanism. If you can get it into storage, or maybe a garage, (so it isn't seen everyday), that would be very helpful.

It may be better for your Mom to be somewhere else. It sounds like the two of you have a lot on your plate, so to do this, could result in disaster. I am sure that she has a hard time sleeping in the house, etc... can she go to a friends house, or somewhere else if that helps?

Glad to hear class helped. I had a class that started two days after my MIL passed. I loved the idea of doing something different with my grief and applying it elsewhere... (does that make sense?) It gave me something else to focus on. You will do fine.

 

[Pembo]

My first thought about your mom wantin get all the stuff out was box it up and store it. Then you can go through it at your own pace. I just keep remembering the old adage of don't make any major changes for a year.

We're with you.........God Bless.........

 

[honeywolf7]

I agree with the storage unit idea and try to be patient with your mom...I know it's hard.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Please be patient with your DM.She has lost The love of her life.She is coping with it in her own way as you are.Please remember God will not put anymore on you than what you can handle.God Bless.
Misty

 

[Pop Daddy]

Im giving you two more weeks then Im gonna start "long post" ing you

 

[LisaTx]

Tammi.

I agree with the other posters about trying to be understanding with your mom. She may just have a different way of grieving than you do. The storage idea is great too.

I'm certainly no medical expert, but from reading your posts, I wonder if your mom may need some medical intervention? My elderly widowed mom had surgery in August. She didn't cope with the surgery well mentally and eventually worked herself into such a state that she finally had to be hospitalized and put on anti-depressants. I could be way off base, but maybe your mom would benefit from some anti-anxiety medication to help her cope with all she has been through.

My mom can be very demanding too and she lives with us due to health reasons. She can really make me at times. It's only natural for your mom to lean on you for support now, but remember to take care of yourself too.

 

[jadepanther]

 

[Otto's Doll]

 

[MerryPoppins]

This is a long post. Sorry in advance, but maybe it will help a little?

My dad passed away unexpectedly 14 years ago. My mom's approach to life is to do everything on a dead run. She wanted everything done yesterday. I have empathy for you. I don't work that way and it was hard for me. I just tried to understand that that was the way she dealt with things. Maybe storage would be an answer until you are able to go through the things that she wants to go.

She didn't want to be alone in her house at night. It felt big and empty without my dad. We spent a few nights with her and my brother took a turn. Finally she was so tired of all the company that she decided she could stand being there alone. She told me later that their bed was a hard hurdle for her. She had to start sleeping on his side of the bed, so his wouldn't be empty.

My mom also wanted to avoid holidays and birthdays for a long time. She wanted to pretend they weren't happening. She missed Dad too much at times we would have celebrated as a family. What she couldn't understand was that it felt like I'd lost both my parents. She finally came around. It just took time and we learned to change many of our traditions so it wouldn't be as painful for her.

We have a friend in Kansas City who just lost her husband. She felt a need to move furniture within days of the funeral. I think her family thought she'd gone mad. She finally admitted that she couldn't stand to see the house the way it was before. She needed change so she could deal with the loss in her life. The way the furniture was before made her see "him" everywhere. Everyone faces these things in different ways.

Sorry this is so long. Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and your mom's reactions aren't terribly unusual. Everyone grieves in their own ways, and that makes it hard within a family. She also needs to be aware that you are doing your best and see that you are hurting too. Tell her so in a gentle way if you have to. Sometimes the spouse doesn't consider how others are feeling. My mom told me later that she never dreamed that skipping Christmas or a birthday would hurt me so much. She thought I felt the same way she did - that celebrating would hurt too much. Communication and compromise was the key in our situation.

Back off and take care of yourself when it gets to be too much. Keep taking breaks and doing things for yourself. You'll get through this if you just take it one day at a time.

 

[Rajah]

Thanks, everyone, for being so understanding. I was afraid after posting this update that y'all would come to hate my mom, and she doesn't deserve that. Instead, y'all have helped me to see past my frustration once again and to try and tap into some more patience.

We haven't considered the storage idea yet, but I'll toss that around. I did have a talk with her today when we were both calm and stuff, and tried to get across what we were feeling while keeping her feelings in mind, and I think she understood. She was receptive today.

Lisa -- she is taking some sort of medicine prescribed by the doctor. I'm not sure if it's an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, or muscle-relaxer, but it's one of the three, and I *think* the first. She's only taking a very small dose, and physically *can't* take even a half of one every day because it leaves her physically unable to move and stay awake for long. But it does help, and she's been taking it when things are really bad.

I still haven't contacted my Dr yet for something similar, but I know I'm going to have to bite the bullet and do so sometime in the not-too-distant future.

(And Aprille -- about you "calling me out"... that's okay, it let me know y'all were still interested in what was going on. )