Mid-life crisis?

[Melora]

So only being 39 I figured I was too young to start worrying about all these different types of things.... maybe it started with my mom dying in February.

All of a sudden all I can think about it is how short life is. I am going through my moms stuff (boxes and boxes.. a whole huge storage unit full) and I am finding so many things that she had plans for. Books with notes, objects with notes.... all saying what she was going to do with them, how much to sell them for, telling about where she got the stuff etc.

She had so many plans for her life. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in 1989 and thats when they first realized how they hadn't done anything enjoyable with their life. He had an operation and was declared cancer free. Then they bought a nice car, they went on a vacation, my dad put in for retirement and they started to enjoy life.

One year later the cancer was back and he died 8 months after that. My mother already had Parkinsons disease and she just went down hill until it took her life 4 months ago.

I am completely bogged down by the thoughts of how short life is. How people make plans and collect things and how important things are to them and how it means nothing after you die. Worrying about how my kids will feel after I die, how sad they will feel. I dont want them to say they wished I had had a better life like I am doing with my parents.

Is this a normal thing to happen after parents die and will I ever feel good again? Will I start to enjoy life and stop thinking about death? (BTW, before this I rarely gave death a thought and was so happy just to be enjoying the great things I have in my life).

Sorry to be downer, but Im just looking for how others have dealt with things like this.

 

[alabamaalan]

Originally posted by Melora
I am completely bogged down by the thoughts of how short life is. How people make plans and collect things and how important things are to them and how it means nothing after you die.

There is a lesson that relationships are more important than posessions! (That does not refer to anything specific with your parents, of course Melora, just an illustration about life in general)

Worrying about how my kids will feel after I die, how sad they will feel. I dont want them to say they wished I had had a better life like I am doing with my parents.

That is the part that you are most in control of changing if you see a need to. If you are happy with your life and your family, make sure they know it so they can look back and celebrate your life when that day comes.

I'm sorry you are struggling with the recent losses of your parents and hope things improve. We all mourn differently, but you will survive it.

 

[Melora]

I have very few "possessions" like my parents did. My only real collection is antique salt and pepper shakers.... I guess right now I am imagining my girls standing in front of the cabinet and thinking.... Boy mom sure liked those... Who's going to pack ALL those up?

Up until now, Ive strived to live my life with passion and joy... making the most of moments and knowing that family is whats most important to me. Taking vacations and having quality time with my kids.

I guess the most depressing thought in my head is about how SHORT life is. I look at pictures of my parents back in the 70's and 80's and it seems like it was yesterday. Now POOF the time is gone and so are they.

I know it should teach me to enjoy everything all the more, but right now it seems so sad.

 

[NMAmy]

Melora:

I felt (and still feel) much the same way since my dad passed away last year. For me, it was seeing the aging process--first in my grandmother, then in my dad. I remember him being so young and vibrant and then I think of him in the nursing home during his last few months. It's so sad. My dad and I look a lot alike and I remember him taking my hand when he was in the nursing home and holding it up to his. Our hands look very similar--except now his were covered with bruises from IV's and the skin was very thin. He kissed my hand and whispered, "Look--just like Daddy's."

It makes you realize how very short and precious life is. I've made a conscious effort to daily appreciate the little things I love about my mom, my husband, and my daughter.

 

[cati]

xx

 

[Yardbird]

My condolences on the loss of your Mom. What you're going through is a normal part of the grieving process. Going through her things, reminiscing about what was, and what could have been, are all really good reasons for the melancholy thoughts. Just know that this will pass. My thoughts are with you.

 

[WDWLVR]

I know that losing my mom back in '97 was very hard and going through her things was one of the hardest.

Most of her things we gave away to charity or to friends and family. She had a collection of needlepoint pictures that she had done. I made sure that each one of her close friends (the Golden Girls we called them) had one as well as family. I kept two collections of her ornaments. One set is all Waterford crystal (I would give her a piece every year) and we set up a special little tree with those on it. The others are the Frosty Friends from Hallmark and I still buy one each year to keep the tradition alive.

I guess maybe it was facing cancer myself 14 years ago that made me decide that life for as long as I'm here should be enjoyed. That's why time with my DH is so important and why we love DVC and going on cruises together.

Cherish your memories of your mom and make sure and make memories with your family. It is the circle of life and it goes on.

 

[Deb T.]

Melora - you know, it's what you enjoy in life that makes living worthwhile. Important things like family and friends and love keep us going. Everything else is just icing on the cake, such as collecting books and objects, and even antique salt and pepper shakers. Those "things" bring personal joy to the collector for the time being. But it's love that we truly live for.

We all have plans for the future. If we didn't have hopes and goals, what would life be? Try not to get bogged down by what isn't being accomplished - but instead, find joy in whatever it is that you are hoping for in the future.

It sounds like your parents had a wonderful life. Celebrate that. Find comfort in that your Mother enjoyed collecting a storage room full of books and objects. That, and you, and your Father made her life full. We should all be so fortunate.

True, life is short. That is why we should always live it to it's fullest. You and your family will be in my prayers.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

It's weird how other peoples troubles can make us re-examine our own lives. My aunt had cancer, and lost her husband all in the same year. Now she's alone and bitter, she never had kids. Being around her has kind of made me want to meet a guy, and settle down and have kids. I've never really wanted to all that much before. Can you have a mid-life crisis in your twenties?

 

[tinaluis]

Melora,
I don't think it's a mid-life crisis as much as it is that your mother's death (and sorting through her possessions) have made you realize how short life is and how quickly death comes upon us. I lost both my father and mother within 18 months of each other. My dad was 51 and my mom was 50. I remember feeling so sad as I sorted through my mom's things -- so sad for the life she had and the dreams she never realized, and vowed that my life would be different -- that I would live for the day, enjoy my husband and family, do what I wanted to do (within lawful reason, of course) and just do whatever it took to be happy and to let those around me know how important they are to me and how much I love them. The grieving process is a long one -- my Mom died 9 years ago and my Dad 11 -- and sometimes it seems like yesterday. Give yourself time to grieve and remember to let those important to you know how much you love them.

 

[Catzeyes]

I really understand what your saying. I ended up with heart surgery out of the blue two years ago at age 41. After the surgery things still looked bad for me. I was really depressed and pretty much thought my life was over.
It took me awhile but I got over it and figured what ever time I had left I would live life to the fullest. I got myself out of a bad marrige, moved to an island and am getting remarried in a few months. I live my life now like it could end tomorrow and it would not matter. I find joy in the simple things and have never known so much love in my life. When it is my time to go I will be ready and fine with it. I know that I have touched people but even more importand is that people have touched me. I am thankful for all the love and friendship I have, even this message board and the friends that I have made on it.
I guess for me life is what you put into it, not what you take out of it.

 

[aprincessmom]

I don't think you are having a mid-life crisis. You are having an epiphany of sorts. The real test of this will be how you live your life going forward...if you make changes to take advantage of these lessons you are learning.

I'm sorry about your loss. I've never lost a parent but I've lost many friends and relatives with whom I was quite close. Nothing can ever mirror the loss of a parent but I know that, in time, you will feel differently. I don't know that you'll feel better but you will be able to enjoy life.

Worrying about how my kids will feel after I die, how sad they will feel. I dont want them to say they wished I had had a better life like I am doing with my parents.

Take the lesson you are living through now and make sure that when you do die, your children can say "My mom led a great life and I am so happy to have been a part of it." It will be the best legacy you can leave them and it will mean more to them and you than you can imagine.