Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[wdwfan16]

I only meant that there should be not competition for him. I am his mother, she is his wife. Those are two very different things in his life. I do not expect to be more important to him than she is. I expect him to put her on a pedestle and treat her like a princess and to let her know everyday that he loves her. Maybe I have taught him all that too well.

Do I have as much thought for Dh's family? Yes. We go to his mom's house every time he is home and many times dd and I go when he is not. We are there for every family celebration and every holiday (expect every other Thanksgiving). They are my family too.

My ex's family? When he was home from work, we spent almot every waking hour there. My time with my family was when he was at work. Holidays were spilt equally. I loved his father and was there for his family through his father's illness and death. Even though his mother physically threatened me while we were married. So, yes I have been as considerate as I felt I could be.

They live 3 states away (maybe if you actually READ what you are responding to it might help?), so weekly visits are not possible. Nor is taking him to lunch. They have been here 4 times in two years. (this was the only one of those 4 times that the whole purpose of their visit was to visit us--not complaining just stating fact. They had other things going on that made their other trips necessary) .

Besides. I never said I only want time with him. I want to see both of them. They are a couple, she is the person he chose to spend the rest of his life with. He loves her, therefore I love her. They are both a part of this family. Whether or not I agree with everything she does or how she acts, is not relevent in that.

What I don't do is think she is perfect. I am not going to pretend that she is. She has some faults just like the rest of us. I started this as a vent to something she did that I didn't like. Something she has done before. Why do I blame her? Because she is the one doing it. Should he say something? Yes. Does he need to make things change? Yes. But, that doesn't take away from the fact that it is ultimatly her that is making all of that necessary.

All we hear is that he only visited 4 times in 2 years. How many times have you visited them at their home in the past two years?

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

This is a specific situation about one particular mother-in-law and one particular daughter-in-law. This particular MIL isn't insisting on spending every waking minute with her son and DIL - she just wants to see them occasionally without being treated as if she is lucky the queen might drop by.

I get so tired of the "rights" argument, as in "the wife's rights trump the mother's rights." Of course they do. So what? Is that the way the wife-winner wants to be treated when her own son grows up and she still loves him and wants to spend time with him and his family once in awhile?

If this particular MIL was angling for her "right" to spend ridiculous amounts of time with her son because of all the time she spent in labor, I'd be all over that. But this is just a nice lady who misses her son and would like to be able to count on seeing him once in awhile without it being a big deal. That doesn't seem like a lot to ask to me.

 

[cheermom1]

I did read - but geez 18 pages some of the posts get a little mumbled together for me.
Still, if you son is so dying to see and spend time with you, can't he come over for a weekend without DIL? Maybe she doesn't want to visit, maybe it is uncomfortable for her? Couldn't she go to her family during that time period? Also, if he is spending 2 weeks on/ 2 weeks off (or whatever the schedule is) do they really want to travel 3 hours to spend a day or weekend with family on a regular basis? I think it comes down to you have x expectations of family visitation, DIL has y expectations and they do not coicide. Do you expect them to visit each time your son comes home? once a quarter?

Does your son tell you DIL is giving him grief about visiting?

I don't think anyone should expect anyone to visit them period! In my family my fil lives 2 states away and it an 8 hour drive one way, we have seen him maybe 2x a year at the most ...sometimes life happens and plans get changed plain and simple...there have been a few times that we planned on staying at least 2 days but it got changed and we had to turn around go back ...I know you want to spend time with your son I get that..however life happens and I think that if you don't expect your son to visit than no disappointments...the best thing would be to go see them a few times instead of always asking them to come see you...

my mil lives 3 hours from us and we have been to her house only 2x the rest of the time she has comes to us..we don't really "plan" anything..if we get together than great of we don't than next time...

however we do talk to them almost daily AND we have face book as well as they do and we talk that way and they can see pics ...PLUS we so send letters to each other all the time...

I think that just the communication is the key here...my sil and her dh ..he works on a rig and he has that schedule as well and I have to tell you that my mil does NOT expect them to come to her house not once ..she has always gone to them and when she comes in to town she always calls us and lets us know and we sometimes set up a time to see her ..again sometimes not always can we get away to visit her..but she knows that life happens ...

I don't know if this will help you or not but another thing dh and I do is that whatever plans we have first is the ones we will go with ..ex. ex step dad invited us to their house than mil invited us somewhere ..we talked about it and came up with this plan since we were invited to ex step dad first and we said yes than we had to tell mil no we already had plans...why don't you suggest something like that to your son more of putting a bug in his ear about it...

again I understand you want to see your son but why do they always have to come to you? why can't you visit them? and I understand that they may want to just stay home especially since he is away for 2 weeks at a time...

and if they have kids it is very hard to leave every 2 weeks ..a trip should be that a trip and make it a trip which is in my book not that often LOL...

edited t add: sorry lillyagater this wasn't towards you...

 

[jrmasm]

Hey OP!!

Why aren't you angry with your son??? Why is this all your DIL's fault????

 

[Wishing on a star]

If this particular MIL was angling for her "right" to spend ridiculous amounts of time with her son because of all the time she spent in labor, I'd be all over that. But this is just a nice lady who misses her son and would like to be able to count on seeing him once in awhile without it being a big deal. That doesn't seem like a lot to ask to me.

If this is the case (which it very well could be) then the OP should address this with her son... NOT start threads on a public chatboard entitled "Message to DIL's" and name call and throw around assumptions and accusations.

Which is what many posters here have been trying to advise her!

By doing the latter, and by maintaining her attitude, the OP might very well be cutting off her nose in spite of her face.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, you need to deal with the facts as they are. DDIL and DS change their plans. Fine. Don't make any plans with them. If they show up and you are available, great. No meals, no taking off work, etc. It doesn't appear that SIL and DIL care about the "sacrifices" you are making for them, so don't do it (unless you enjoy martyrdom).

I noticed that DIL told you the day they would be visiting. You then set up that they would spend the night before with grandma, and the next day and night with you. It appears to me that you may have been the one who changed the plans on that occasion. Did DIL say that they would spend the whole day with you, not to mention the nights before (grandma counts as your family) and after? I could see where DDIL would be ticked off if you presumed that they would spend 36 + hours with you when she had only given you a date.

It's clearly a battle between your way and DDIL's way. Give up the fight, you probably won't win. Accept any time that DS and DDIL share with you to be a blessing. Accept DDIL for who she is. Be the MIL that DDIL wants to visit. If you come across half as negative about DDIL IRL as you do here, she knows you don't like her. Why should she want to spend time with you? (and the answer is not because you gave birth to DS)

No, no, no. Let me back up. DS was gone for Christmas. They were not able to come during December. DS told me that they would come in January for them to have a "christmas" with us. When I called her, I asked when they would be coming and what day to plan our "Christmas". She gave me the day to plan for dinner, etc. and then said they would stay the night before and after and leave the next morning.

A week before the weekend, I sent her a message to verify that they were coming and what the plans were. She responded that she thought it was a different day and the day I had planned (which was the day she gave me) wasn't going to work for them. I responded to her that I could try and change things around but that several things were going on that day but I would try. I was then told that we could keep it on the day we planned but they couldn't stay long. I could not change everyone else's plans, we do have lives.

If I had realized that everyone would be nitpicking my posts apart to figure out how I must be the Evil Mother In Law , I would have been more likely to give all the tiniest of details.

 

[luvsJack]

All we hear is that he only visited 4 times in 2 years. How many times have you visited them at their home in the past two years?

Did you actually see the part that said "not complaining". They cannot afford to visit more than that and I understand that.

I have already posted a response about visiting them. But none of that has anything to do with what was going on for this visit.

 

[lillygator]

so, you still had it on the day originally planned they were just not able to stay as long as she originally told you??? I'm confused now.

 

[cheermom1]

It sounds like a misunderstanding...

 

[Art 1]

No, no, no. Let me back up. DS was gone for Christmas. They were not able to come during December. DS told me that they would come in January for them to have a "christmas" with us. When I called her, I asked when they would be coming and what day to plan our "Christmas". She gave me the day to plan for dinner, etc. and then said they would stay the night before and after and leave the next morning.

A week before the weekend, I sent her a message to verify that they were coming and what the plans were. She responded that she thought it was a different day and the day I had planned (which was the day she gave me) wasn't going to work for them. I responded to her that I could try and change things around but that several things were going on that day but I would try. I was then told that we could keep it on the day we planned but they couldn't stay long. I could not change everyone else's plans, we do have lives.

If I had realized that everyone would be nitpicking my posts apart to figure out how I must be the Evil Mother In Law , I would have been more likely to give all the tiniest of details.

It's really shocking to me how the ladies on this forum are picking you apart, it really is. I'm sure that even though they don't think so, they will some day me the evil MIL. The cycle has never stopped as a whole. And I'm sorry to hear how young your DIL is, you have a long row to hoe, sadly. For many of these young women it is the first time in their life that they are able to excerpt power and control and that can be very intoxicating.

 

[luvsJack]

If this is the case (which it very well could be) then the OP should address this with her son... NOT start threads on a public chatboard entitled "Message to DIL's" and name call and throw around assumptions and accusations.

Which is what many posters here have been trying to advise her!

By doing the latter, and by maintaining her attitude, the OP might very well be cutting off her nose in spite of her face.

Honey, I am not the one throwing out assumptions. That would be some of you.

I am not assuming anything and do not judge by things I do not know. I know exactly what is and is not going on.

If you want to give advice, how about doing so without accusing and assuming things you know nothing about?


Some of you really should have better things to do than to always try and figure out why the poster must be to blame for anything that goes wrong for them.

I know this girl. You do not. I know her personality and I know the things she does. You do not. I know my son. You do not. I have lived with both of them and lived through things with both of them. I know what is going on and I know why he is not dealing with it and I know what he should do.

All dils are not victims. And all mils are not evil. I am not a victim, either. I was angry about her pulling this little stunt again. Will I still be angry tomorrow or a week from now? Probably not. Am I going to cause a war between her and me. No. I am also NOT going to cause any problems between her and ds.

I am going to do everything in my power to make her know that she is a welcomed part of this family. I am going to do everything I can to make sure DS knows that just becaue he doesn't live here, doesn't mean he can't be involved with his family. Regardless of how she reacts and whether she changes, I will know that I have done everything I can. I will also talk to DS about how everyone feels about this. Then the ball is in their court and they have to decide what to do.

 

[grumpeeduck]

Why were you needing to "change things around"??? It seems you are the inflexible MIL...............you say you CAN'T visit them, and now I am getting that they didn't spend the night with you because you couldn't rearrange things?? What things?? I am thinking you are creating your own "get what you give" scenario. The reason there are 18 pages (and counting) of posts is because most of us DIL's know full well all of warning signs and of difficult to impossible MIL's. You see, most of us came into our marriages with lovely visions of a new extended family and a MIL that will love us so much......................then comes the ugly, horrible truth. The deviance, the lies, the manipulation........then her DH finally sees it, witnesses it, experiences it.... and he is shocked that his mother can be this way to his new wife..... and then the distance begins. So my advice to you would be to get to know her, see all of the wonderful things in her that he sees, be a role model, and advocate, a confidante, her best friend. And be sincere-no talking about her, no judging her. IT WILL DO YOU NO GOOD. Change your behavior for that is the ONLY thing you CAN control.

 

[lillygator]

It's really shocking to me how the ladies on this forum are picking you apart, it really is. I'm sure that even though they don't think so, they will some day me the evil MIL. The cycle has never stopped as a whole. And I'm sorry to hear how young your DIL is, you have a long row to hoe, sadly. For many of these young women it is the first time in their life that they are able to excerpt power and control and that can be very intoxicating.

I don't really think it's that so much. The son and DIL came to visit on the day that was originally planned (if I read that post correctly) however, they did not stay as long as originally talked about (the overnights). It really doesn't sound like there is a place for them to sleep comfortably at OP's house (not sure about the mom's or the DIL's family). And as far as OP visiting them, I went back and between her and her husband's job as well as the son's job (being gone for time periods) timing sounds to be quite a challenge. OP also said that they have visited 4 times in 2 years (? I think)and later said she understood they couldn't afford to do it more often. OP did say that DIL got along fine with the siblings as accepted the other son's gf etc. So I guess I am having a disconnect here. Is it that you feel the amount of hours are not enough or you are not getting quality time?
and it sounded like it was a houseful, which is fun and nice to catch up and see family - but I know when my family is all together, you aren't really getting individual attention or much time to spend one on one.

Also, I don't travel for my job or am not gone for a week at a time, but I know how I feel when I am away from home, I want to go home and stay there. I certainly don't want to be in a car for x hours to go visit. Not sure what the dil does for a living or if there are children involved but that would also weigh in on the traveling issue for me.

Family dynamics change once children are grown and move out of the house and marry, etc. Monthly visits just may not be something that fits in. Especially when people are working and have other things going on in their life. My family sees each other for holidays and maybe a dinner here or there but I would hate to be expected to visit on a schedule and then feel like I had to spend the whole day there.

 

[cheermom1]

I still say it sounds like a misunderstanding...if the dil set up for x date to go there and then you confirm that x date and she says I thought it was xx day? than it sounds that either her or you got the date wrong...

 

[MaumeeMom]

It's really shocking to me how the ladies on this forum are picking you apart, it really is. I'm sure that even though they don't think so, they will some day me the evil MIL. The cycle has never stopped as a whole. And I'm sorry to hear how young your DIL is, you have a long row to hoe, sadly. For many of these young women it is the first time in their life that they are able to excerpt power and control and that can be very intoxicating.

See bolded - the same thing can be said for the MiLs.

As has been stated over and over in this thread, not all DiLs are angels nor are they all monsters. Same for MiLs - there are good ones and bad ones.

Not everyone with a dragon of a MiL will turn out to be a bad MiL when their turn comes. I know that I would never tell a future DiL - to her face - that she is not good enough for my son. Yes, that happened to me. I am not destined to be a horrible MiL - the cycle can be stopped.

And really, youth has nothing to do with it. Maturity is the issue. The OP's DiL sounds somewhat immature but so does her DS as he doesn't stand up to her (at least that is what OP has implied). Age is just a number.

 

[sbell111]

... I am thinking of talking to him before their next visit and setting things a bit straighter with him. He has to realize that even though he will go through fire for her, the rest of us are not so willing to jump in there with him.

If my parents had this talk with me, it would not work out well for them.

I think that it takes a lot of gall to 'set someone straight' about spending more of their time and money to travel to visit you. Personally, I would resolve the issue by visiting less.

No, no, no. Let me back up. DS was gone for Christmas. They were not able to come during December. DS told me that they would come in January for them to have a "christmas" with us. When I called her, I asked when they would be coming and what day to plan our "Christmas". She gave me the day to plan for dinner, etc. and then said they would stay the night before and after and leave the next morning.

A week before the weekend, I sent her a message to verify that they were coming and what the plans were. She responded that she thought it was a different day and the day I had planned (which was the day she gave me) wasn't going to work for them. I responded to her that I could try and change things around but that several things were going on that day but I would try. I was then told that we could keep it on the day we planned but they couldn't stay long.

Things happen. Plans change. They do not owe you an explanation.

I could not change everyone else's plans, we do have lives.

As do they.

If I had realized that everyone would be nitpicking my posts apart to figure out how I must be the Evil Mother In Law , I would have been more likely to give all the tiniest of details.

The only details that I am interested in is how you 'know' that your daughter-in-law is manipulating things. You keep demanding that you know what is going on inside their marriage, but I doubt that this is actually true.

... I know exactly what is and is not going on.

... I know this girl. You do not. I know her personality and I know the things she does. You do not. I know my son. You do not. I have lived with both of them and lived through things with both of them. I know what is going on and I know why he is not dealing with it and I know what he should do.

There is something troubling when people believe that they 'know' why others do what they do and that they 'know' everything that goes on within someone else's marriage.

... I am going to do everything in my power to make her know that she is a welcomed part of this family. I am going to do everything I can to make sure DS knows that just becaue he doesn't live here, doesn't mean he can't be involved with his family. Regardless of how she reacts and whether she changes, I will know that I have done everything I can. I will also talk to DS about how everyone feels about this. Then the ball is in their court and they have to decide what to do.

Here's the thing. You paint yourself as a non-controlling MIL but then you post something that is totally the opposite.

I think that many couples would file that communication into the 'meddling' bin and act appropriately. Frankly, I cannot imagine that conversation coming to teh resolution that you are looking for.

Here's a better plan: Come to grips with the fact that your son and his wife are both adults and that they will come visit you IF they wish to and it is convenient and cost effective for them to do so. Further, you should deal with the fact that family visits are rarely 'hard scheduled'. Finally, understand that not only should you lose in a battle between you and your son's wife, you want to lose because winning would mean that your son isn't mature enough to be in a marriage.

 

[luvmy3]

It's not about how much time she wants...it is about the fact that there are other family members who jump through hoops to change plans and arrange their schedules so they can visit with them and then OOPS! plans are changed again. If I lost a day's pay because I took time off to see somebody and they never showed up until the next day and stayed for only 3 hours, I'd be owly too.

They are not just coming to see the OP. They are coming to see the OP, her DH, her mother (whom the couple apparently stays with part of the time, so they blew Nana off, too) OP's other son, his wife, their baby, and the OP's daughter. That is a lot of people who are apparently happy to change their schedules so they can see them a couple of times a year, but every single time they do, the plans get changed and people are, at best, inconvenienced and at worst, have lost vacation time and/or pay. That is not okay. That is rude and selfish behaviour and it has to stop or people are just going to quit bending over backwards to accommodate them.

Frankly, OP, that is exactly what you should do. I know you want to see your son no matter what, and you don't want to make his life difficult, but maybe a little "difficult" from Mom or his other family members would make him step up to the plate and stop inconveniencing everyone, because really, if he goes a long with changing the plans and not making her stick to the original arrangement, he is a guilty as she is. Giving him a pass isn't doing the rest of the family any favours.

When dh and I travel back *home* to see our families, sometimes plans do end up changing. We try to accomodate everyone and see everyone as best we can but sometimes that means we seperate and I see my family and he sees his. We definitely see his side more, so when this happens the kids come with me. It is disappointing that my family doesn't get to see dh, but thats the only way to make it work. Maybe the OP's ds will have to start coming to visit his side on his own.

Thank you!!! That is all I was asking for and venting about!

The only reason I don't go off on Ds is because he will try to change things back around to make everyone happy and he is the one catching XXXX from her later. I don't want to cause him so much stress about it that it makes it easier just not to come at all.

If he gets livid when his time with you is shortened, or feels he constantly has to apologize to you and your family every time they visit because the plans have once again changed, he IS already stressing about it. It sounds like he is on the road to not wanting to visit anyone at all. I don't think you need to go off on him, but maybe a gentle reminder that he does have some say in their plans would help.

 

[FayeW]

Why were you needing to "change things around"??? It seems you are the inflexible MIL...............you say you CAN'T visit them, and now I am getting that they didn't spend the night with you because you couldn't rearrange things?? What things?? I am thinking you are creating your own "get what you give" scenario. The reason there are 18 pages (and counting) of posts is because most of us DIL's know full well all of warning signs and of difficult to impossible MIL's. You see, most of us came into our marriages with lovely visions of a new extended family and a MIL that will love us so much......................then comes the ugly, horrible truth. The deviance, the lies, the manipulation........then her DH finally sees it, witnesses it, experiences it.... and he is shocked that his mother can be this way to his new wife..... and then the distance begins. So my advice to you would be to get to know her, see all of the wonderful things in her that he sees, be a role model, and advocate, a confidante, her best friend. And be sincere-no talking about her, no judging her. IT WILL DO YOU NO GOOD. Change your behavior for that is the ONLY thing you CAN control.

She would have needed to "change things around" to meet the DIL's new date. She couldn't do that because it wasn't just her schedule or her husband's schedule...there is also another son with a family of his own as well as a daughter and a grandmother. All of those people had made arrangements to celebrate the family "Christmas" based on the date that was originally given by the DIL. It was only ONE WEEK BEFORE THE VISIT that the DIL said "OOPS, I thought it was a different day". So rather than change the plans the she had made AFTER SHE GAVE HER MIL A DATE TO VISIT, she expected all of those people to change their schedules AGAIN to accommodate her new date. When they couldn't she said okay, we'll do the original date, but now you only get 3 hours with us instead of a day and half.

Clearly, she should have canceled whatever earth shattering plans she had made after the fact and not disappointed ALL of her DH's family on their family Christmas! I mean seriously, how hard would it be to say "Sorry, I got my dates mixed up and we have already committed to DH's family to celebrate Christmas with them since we couldn't go in December". Given that they live 3 states away and only get up there a couple of times a year, I am sure that everyone would understand that her husband having an opportunity to celebrate with his family should trump casual plans with friends or family they have been able to visit with more frequently.

She wanted to do what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it, and sadly, her husband caved and disappointed his family again.

OP, if you don't feel like stressing your son out by calling him on the carpet for this, maybe your other son could offer him some "brotherly advice". It might mean more coming from him in a "Dude, give your head a shake..." kinda way.

 

[cheermom1]

She would have needed to "change things around" to meet the DIL's new date. She couldn't do that because it wasn't just her schedule or her husband's schedule...there is also another son with a family of his own as well as a daughter and a grandmother. All of those people had made arrangements to celebrate the family "Christmas" based on the date that was originally given by the DIL. It was only ONE WEEK BEFORE THE VISIT that the DIL said "OOPS, I thought it was a different day". So rather than change the plans the she had made AFTER SHE GAVE HER MIL A DATE TO VISIT, she expected all of those people to change their schedules AGAIN to accommodate her new date. When they couldn't she said okay, we'll do the original date, but now you only get 3 hours with us instead of a day and half.

Clearly, she should have canceled whatever earth shattering plans she had made after the fact and not disappointed ALL of her DH's family on their family Christmas! I mean seriously, how hard would it be to say "Sorry, I got my dates mixed up and we have already committed to DH's family to celebrate Christmas with them since we couldn't go in December". Given that they live 3 states away and only get up there a couple of times a year, I am sure that everyone would understand that her husband having an opportunity to celebrate with his family should trump casual plans with friends or family they have been able to visit with more frequently.

Of course she should have canceled the other plans or shorted them...But at the same time we don't know if she shorted them I mean she could have...with that said I still we still don't have proof that the dil "forgot" the date on purpose.. I still say it needs to chalked up as a misunderstanding ..if dil thought it was x date and mil thought it was xx date ...than one of them got the date wrong by accident...

 

[robsmom]

I know exactly what is and is not going on.


I know this girl. You do not. I know her personality and I know the things she does. You do not. I know my son. You do not. I have lived with both of them and lived through things with both of them. I know what is going on and I know why he is not dealing with it and I know what he should do.

Ouch. I was really with you for 19 pages. I do think you need to have a heart to heart with your son and your DIL but particularly with your son. The fact that you know (or think you know) everything about the internal workings of your son's marriage and the fact that you think you know what he should do with his life better than he does is just not a good sign of a healthy relationship. He is an adult, if you treat him like a child you will be pushing him away. I know you are not trying to do that and that you just love him and your DIL. I believe you, but you need to be careful that you are not over stepping.