Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[Magic Mom]

Weighing in on this too. One of our biggest things in marriage counseling when was getting my husband to STOP daily contact with his parents. It made visiting them much easier when he did so. If his wife feels like he is talking to his mom more than he does her, it can cause BIG resentment!

That seems strange to me. How would daily contact with his parents take away from you? Unless he was talking to them for hours at a time and gossiping about you or ignoring you, how does his close relationship with them diminish your place in his life. I know plenty of women that talk to their moms everyday or almost every day. If a man demanded that she stop that, people would say he was trying to control his wife.

 

[mhsjax]

That seems strange to me. How would daily contact with his parents take away from you? Unless he was talking to them for hours at a time and gossiping about you or ignoring you, how does his close relationship with them diminish your place in his life. I know plenty of women that talk to their moms everyday or almost every day. If a man demanded that she stop that, people would say he was trying to control his wife.

I agree, My MIL and I got along ok, I believe she thought I wasn't good enough for her son, but still I loved her and I believe that she loved me. My hubby called her pretty much everyday up until she passed away, and to this day he calls his sister everyday, I would never dream of telling him not to do that. He felt the same way with me. When my parents moved out of the city, the first thing DH did was to get unlimited long distance. He said, as much as you talk to your mom, It would break the bank if I didn't get unlimited. I called sometimes 2 times a day. And God help him if he tried to ever stop me. Luckily, he would never even think to do that.

All that being said, my parents treated him like their own, when my parents went over their financial stuff with me, DH tried to leave the room but my father said get over here, you are family and this is just as much about you. Glad I didn't have in-law problems to deal with.

 

[Sparx]

This stood out to me as a DIL who really believes that her MIL doesn't like her.

You want to spend time with your SON. What about her? Do you want to spend time with HER? Maybe she doesn't want to hang around your house because she feels excluded....like a 3rd wheel. You may not really treat her that way, but she may feel like that.

When my inlaws come, I know I feel that way. Even at my house. They sorta revert into their nuclear group and I'm generally on the outside.

After 10 years, I've addressed my DHs behavior when they come but for a long time (even after we had kids) I totally felt like a 5th wheel.

Maybe her family also wants to spend time with him? I know mine does. My inlaws are completely indifferent to me but my dad wants to talk football with my DH, and my mom wants to play poker with him. They like having him around. They want to see BOTH of us, not just me.

Just food for thought...really.

i agree completely.

 

[Topper]

SNIP

There, that is better. OP, I'm glad you had a good time with your family. Don't take stock in those that project their issues upon you.

 

[disykat]

That seems strange to me. How would daily contact with his parents take away from you? Unless he was talking to them for hours at a time and gossiping about you or ignoring you, how does his close relationship with them diminish your place in his life. I know plenty of women that talk to their moms everyday or almost every day. If a man demanded that she stop that, people would say he was trying to control his wife.

If you had read my entire statement, you would already have your answer. I stand by my original statement. If a man is talking to his mother more than he talks to his wife it is a big problem. I would say the same for wives talking to their mothers more than they do their husbands. I would say the same for any other person he/she was talking on the phone with or using as a support system more than they talk to their spouse. Spouses should be each other's primary support, not secondary.

For us, when dh talked to his parents (dad in this case), he was done talking, which meant I got nothing. He and his dad were talking things over and making the decisions and then informing me later. Not acceptable - but they weren't even aware they were doing it and dh wouldn't see it until a marriage counselor pointed it out to him.

Having a close relationship with your parents is great. Using them as your primary support system when you are married is not. I'm not saying this is the case with the OP, simply pointing out reasons why a wife could be resentful of his mother. If he talks all the time to his mom, but doesn't talk to her - problems.

 

[disykat]

Assuming that they traveled in for the weekend... Did not stay with you... and are also spending time with her family, driving back and forth, and other things... and, three hours wasn't enough? <sigh>

Sorry WOAS, you're wrong in this one. 3 hours out of a weekend is not enough to give one of the families. With all my inlaw problems, there's no way I'd do this to my husband and his family.

 

[lillygator]

Until I read this post, I really had no opinion about you or your relationship to your DIL. But after reading your posts in combination, I'd like to say your resentment and anger toward your DIL is starting to show.

Please, do not underestimate your DIL's ability to perceive your negative feelings about her, whether they are justified or not. I firmly believe most communication is non-verbal and I'd lay a bet that DIL knows what you really think even if you aren't saying any words out loud.

It sounds to me like somehow, somewhere, you've lost credit with your DIL. And it also sounds like you might have a devil of a time earning it back.

I used to listen to Dr. Schlessinger's radio show... she was over-the-top, rude, loud... you name it. But the one piece of advice that she consistently gave and that I have now come to agree with? (Most) Men will pick the woman they are sleeping with over their mother. And if you want to have a good relationship with any future or existing grandkids, you will really have to suck up to the DIL.

it really appears you don't like DIL at all.

 

[lillygator]

actually, I think this should be a message to all MIL's and maybe the sons as well.

 

[binny]

I beg to differ. My mother-in-law is not human and she does want my husband back. She was really angry that he "left" in the first place. Actually, now she'd most likely take my sixteen year old son in place of my husband, since he looks the part of the traditional, clean cut family she so very much wants everyone to believe she has.

Sorry - bad day here as far as MIL's go. I'm sure you're a lovely MIL and your daughter(s)-in-law are lucky to have you. Some of us did not hit the MIL jackpot, though.

scoot over honey, we're in the same boat.

OP I am truly sorry that she is making things difficult for you. I *do* try but it isnt received well.

 

[RitaZ.]

Sorry WOAS, you're wrong in this one. 3 hours out of a weekend is not enough to give one of the families. With all my inlaw problems, there's no way I'd do this to my husband and his family.

You're seeing it through your eyes. 3 hours may not be enough for you, but it may be enough for other families.

When these topics are posted, it's really difficult to be objective. People give advice based on their own view of the world.

 

[disykat]

You're seeing it through your eyes. 3 hours may not be enough for you, but it may be enough for other families.

When these topics are posted, it's really difficult to be objective. People give advice based on their own view of the world.

I think that was kind of my point - WOAS was projecting her problem of the inlaws wanting too much time. I can totally relate to inlaw problems. I definitely have the problem of my inlaws wanting their "little boy back" AND the problem of a husband who would easily fall back into it. But somehow, even I can see that during a weekend visit to both families, when both families want to spend time with you, only giving 3 hours to one of those families isn't exactly fair. My inlaws could be upset at me about a lot of things, but when we visit our families (and both families do live in the same area, like the OPs situation) I make sure that not giving equal time isn't one of them!

 

[RadioNate]

If you feel the same way he looked like he did when he told me good-bye--I am so sorry for you.

I really, really had to take a breath before I said anything so I wouldn't cry. Not from my hurt but from the look on his face.

Then your SON is the problem. Sorry, it is not your DIL. If he wants to stay longer than HE needs to say something to her.

If he is so devastated to leave why hasn't HE asked his wife to stay longer?

You can blame your spoiled brat of a daughter in law all you want but if he doesn't say anything to her, how does she know that he wants to stay longer?

 

[RadioNate]

If you had read my entire statement, you would already have your answer. I stand by my original statement. If a man is talking to his mother more than he talks to his wife it is a big problem. I would say the same for wives talking to their mothers more than they do their husbands. I would say the same for any other person he/she was talking on the phone with or using as a support system more than they talk to their spouse. Spouses should be each other's primary support, not secondary.

For us, when dh talked to his parents (dad in this case), he was done talking, which meant I got nothing. He and his dad were talking things over and making the decisions and then informing me later. Not acceptable - but they weren't even aware they were doing it and dh wouldn't see it until a marriage counselor pointed it out to him.

Having a close relationship with your parents is great. Using them as your primary support system when you are married is not. I'm not saying this is the case with the OP, simply pointing out reasons why a wife could be resentful of his mother. If he talks all the time to his mom, but doesn't talk to her - problems.

I'm going to agree and expand on this.

Maybe your DIL feels that since you talk to your DS so much that you don't need the face time. That everything you have to talk about has been discussed during the daily phone calls.

Maybe she doesn't talk to her family often? Or at least not daily. So when she sees them, they use that time to "catch up" on all the things that have been happening.

Maybe she feels you don't need "catching up" time since you are in constant contact.



And to expand on my 3rd wheel post....do you spend the time with him talking about times before he was with her? Do you talk about (share news) people she doesn't know? That is what happened with my inlaws. There was lots of reminiscing that I couldn't participate in. Then there was the gossip about people I had never even heard of and no one even bothered to tell me who those people were. Both were great ways to make me feel extremely excluded.

 

[Mermaid02]

I don't understand why the son just doesn't go visit his parents himself. I spend time with my Mom alone- my husband and Mom get along ok, but I know he doesn't want to stay as long as I do. No big deal. My dh goes to see his parents without me too- I have great inlaws, but I don't want to stay there as long as he does..... again, no big deal.

 

[wdwfan16]

OP why don't you go and visit you DS, DDIL and DGB (this is the son with the infant?) when he is not on the Rig and is home?

 

[need2cruise]

I wish my MIL was like you guys!!!

My MIL has pics of all her kids up with their families--spouses included--EXCEPT our family. She just won't put any up unless it is kids only, or kids and dh. Her current pics are dh when he was younger and our kids. And before that--it was only dh's kids from his 1st marriage, and not even our child we have TOGETHER! They fail to recognize her as his child in a passive-aggressive nature. On the outside they will say it--but they always forget her and weren't putting her pics up for awhile. This past summer we were all at the fair and met up with some of dh's moms friends--she introduced dh, his other children and that was it. Dh said--oh, this is my youngest dd and my wife and the MIL was like, oh--I completely forgot, I'm sorry!.......... whatever!

The other day, she reminded me she forgot my b/day.........which was back last March......but she felt the need to have to remind me that she accidently forgot my b/day............

They used to bad talk the first wife (her and dh were only together 2 yrs and had a very bad history--to the point she almost killed him with a car). But now they act super nice to her so that they can get his other children without dh knowing so that they don't have to get our dd. Which, I will say, she' s a typical child, but is the most behaved out of all the children in the family and very quiet. Also, when dd was in the hospital in Dec, not ONE of the family even called to see how she was doing........the MIL calls her dd's when any of their children even have a COLD to see how they are doing!

So, overall, I have tried. I'm done. I tell dh he can go over anytime he wants, I will make sporadic appearances, but I refuse to let them hurt me anymore and I am not going to make him choose between his family and me. He doesn't want to go if I don't. I am done going....I'm made to feel like an outsider when I'm there.........they play games with only enough people to play so that it excludes me, they don't talk to me unless I speak first and they feel like they have to answer me. But they act all nice when we get there and all huggy and "miss you". It's that passive-aggressive thing again.

Oh well! I have no advise or anything, but this just strikes a chord with me after all we've been going through!

 

[wenrob]

I will preface this with saying that my MIL and I got along just fine before she passed. In fact I considered her a friend. We had our moments but what relationship doesn't?

But I am the despised DIL with FIL. Honest to God, I have no idea what I have ever done to make the man dislike me so much. I spent the better part of twenty+ years trying to figure it out and doing my best to please him. Near as I can figure it's because I married his son and will some day screw him over. I have spent two visits per year for days at a time where he never said a single word to me and out of the blue visits to my home where again he would not speak to me but when DH came home would become this happy go lucky guy. This went on for more then a decade and a half. I asked my DH NOT to intervene. I'm a big girl, I can take it, I wanted my DH to have a relationship with his father. A relationship that would not be there had I not come along and insisted DH needed to have one with his family. It came to a head on our last visit three years ago when he started making nasty remarks to eldest DD and ignoring my little ones. (from what we gather from other family members we should never have had them. Didn't know we needed his permission...) DH packed up the truck, we left and have not spoken to him or seen him since. But you know what? I still encourage DH to call him. I love my husband and I don't want to have any regrets if the worst should happen. DH says he has chosen his family. No doubt this is all somehow my fault to in FIL's eyes. Honestly, I don't want my DH to choose, I want him to have peace in heart.

All that to say to the OP that in reading your posts you are putting all of this on you DIL. She may be bratty but this isn't all her. If your son is hurt by all this then he needs to step up and say so. As someone pointed out he's helping you put it on her and that's not fair to his wife or to you. If he wants to spend time with you he needs to say so. Not rocking the boat with her is rocking the boat with everyone else. Who knows, she may not even realize she's doing this. I'm rambling but the point is your son is ultimately responsible here not DIL.

 

[Planogirl]

I don't understand why the son just doesn't go visit his parents himself. I spend time with my Mom alone- my husband and Mom get along ok, but I know he doesn't want to stay as long as I do. No big deal. My dh goes to see his parents without me too- I have great inlaws, but I don't want to stay there as long as he does..... again, no big deal.

I'm with you there. I often visited my parents alone and DH often visited his alone too. We also visited together. It was no big deal.

My brother and his wife are like this though. They have to do just about everything together. I remember once shopping for Christmas gifts with my brother for his wife and she called wondering what was taking so long. It works for them but I'd find it stifling.

 

[MusiqChic99]

As the old saying goes...A daughter is a daughter for life, A son is a son until he takes a wife.

I have a 3 year old little boy. I know i have a long way to go but I fear that he will be "taken" away too.

We normally always do things with my family. Not because I dont want to be involved in his...he just doesn't make the effort to see them, nor do they make the effort for us. Heck my sweetie just went to the movies with MY father. I do wish his family was more involved since we do have a son and I want him to know both sides of grandparents but some just aren't that involved. I am thankful that my parents are VERY involved in his life.

Saying that, I do know some families were they spend most of their time at the guy's family.

*Hugs to you*

 

[cheermom1]

I'm with you there. I often visited my parents alone and DH often visited his alone too. We also visited together. It was no big deal.

My brother and his wife are like this though. They have to do just about everything together. I remember once shopping for Christmas gifts with my brother for his wife and she called wondering what was taking so long. It works for them but I'd find it stifling.

I agree my dh has been to his dad lots of times with me ..His mom he has seen her many times without me but normally when she some into town it is a big deal and she has all of meet her at a pizza place or something...Just b/c it works out that way..I go see my parents without my dh as well ..I don't understand why it is such a big deal about always having to be together to see the in laws..As a matter of fact my SIL just got married and we didn;t have the money to go to the wedding but I did tell dh that if we could get the money for just him to go than he needs to go (his sis) ..it was a destination wedding...anyway he wasn't able to go but on the day of the guy sil was marrying had a thought (kinda too late) that they could have gotten the money together and send for him and they were all upset they didn't think of it sooner..I would have let him go! why should he miss it?

I lost my job so we really didn;t have the money I felt really bad...

anyway my point is that it really shouldn't be a big deal to see family without your spouse...