Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[bulah1]

Bulah 1 - All I can say is "Wow"! I've had two IVF's so you are right on the money with how it feels, but for you to actually do it for someone else. I have to give you lots of credit. It's not a fun process when your doing it for yourself. I think it does take a very strong person to do this because it would kill me to want to see the child. My boss has a daughter from a surrogate and I wonder if she thinks about her daughter. I guess you have to think of the positive choice, I just know I wouldn't be able to do it.

Thank you so much for the kind words! It really does mean a lot to me when people give me feedback on it!

And as for not knowing the children... if it's right they will find a way to meet me. If not, I already know I can deal with it. But I can't say that I don't think about each of them. It's just human nature, and probably part mother instinct I guess. But I can know that the people they are with LOVE THEM and CARE for them 110%! So that is a very good feeling. I guess that's what I tried to get across all along but it never came out that way. I think about them though and hope that if things are right for at least one of them someday that I might get to meet one. That would mean the world to me to know how I did one thing for a month out of my life to affect these lives.

In your boss' case, I really don't know how the thought couldn't go through one's mind, I know it does mine. That's wild having a surrogate though, that's so much more than I am capable of - kudos to the surrogate! !! Seriously! 1 month of ovulation is WAY different than carrying the life through full-term. KUDOS!!

 

[CJK]

None of you will likely remember me, as I haven't posted on this thread for months. I've been a lurker though throughout the months. I have a question for you if you don't mind.

Dh and I are in our mid 30's and have no children. We're not absolutely positive that we won't have any, but with each passing year we're getting closer to that decision. My question relates to your friends. I am now down to ONE female friend who does not have children and does not plan to have children. Two other very close friends don't have children yet, but are actively trying now.

How do you handle having no (or very few) friends without children? I don't mind visiting with children from time to time (I don't dislike kids, I just don't know if they're right for me..). I find myself very tearful these days. When my two dear friends announced that they're now trying to have a baby (after sitting on the fence for years), I put on a brave face for them, but once behind closed doors, I sobbed. I genuinely am happy for them for doing what makes them happy, but selfishly, I'm mourning the friendships I once had. ALL of my friendships with other friends who have children, have understandably changed. The dynamic is undeniably different. I don't blame anybody, that's just the way it has to be.

Am I alone in feeling lonely/left behind? Do all of you deal with it better, or have you gone out and actively met other like-minded people (ie. No Kidding group)? I'm thinking of joining the local chapter in our area. I just miss the care-free days of getting together with friends. These days, children are almost always involved (which, again, I don't mind sometimes....but it's now at least 95% of the time). I feel like I'm in mourning, but I feel guilty admitting that...

I probably sound terribly selfish and I'm sorry for that. Do any of you feel similarly?

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

There are many people on this planet who SHOULD NOT be parents - those that abuse, neglect, can't provide for... etc. Yet somehow they manage to have multiple children to pass these problems off to. I don't want to pass my $%#@ off to kids that don't deserve it, sorry! Then on the flip side, there are many people who desperately want to have kids and actually DESERVE to have them and will make wonderful parents and hopefully bring some great new people to our world - but CAN'T! It seems tragic and unfair.

Awesome way of putting it.

P.S.--I love your "you are most like..." in your signature. Where did you find that? I love it!

 

[momomonster]

Yes, CJK, this is something I've experienced recently myself. My DH is a musician and I'm friends with his bandmates' wives, all of whom I thought were childfree since we're all heading towards 40. . . In the last few months they've all caught the baby rabies and started talking about trying to have kids. I'm sure many of them will.

It did initially bum me out. I actually felt as you describe- somewhat grief-stricken and sad.

But, I talked with DH about it and thought a lot about the reasons why we've made the decision we've made. I've rekindled old friendships with people I've found online (or they have found me) and I'm feeling a lot better. One of them is the mother of a teen so she, of course, applauds my decision! I have joined the local yahoo CF group and even discovered one of them works in my building!

(I have heard No Kidding is wanting to start collecting dues or some such, so that is why someone in my area started the Yahoo group.)

Please don't feel guilty. The loss of these relationships is a legitimate concern because even if the relationships continue you are correct that they will not be like they were before. Allow yourself these emotions and get out there to meet other like-minded people. Our freedom is one of the luxuries the childed don't have, so embrace it! I hope these words help.

Happy travels

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

None of you will likely remember me, as I haven't posted on this thread for months. I've been a lurker though throughout the months. I have a question for you if you don't mind.

Dh and I are in our mid 30's and have no children. We're not absolutely positive that we won't have any, but with each passing year we're getting closer to that decision. My question relates to your friends. I am now down to ONE female friend who does not have children and does not plan to have children. Two other very close friends don't have children yet, but are actively trying now.

How do you handle having no (or very few) friends without children? I don't mind visiting with children from time to time (I don't dislike kids, I just don't know if they're right for me..). I find myself very tearful these days. When my two dear friends announced that they're now trying to have a baby (after sitting on the fence for years), I put on a brave face for them, but once behind closed doors, I sobbed. I genuinely am happy for them for doing what makes them happy, but selfishly, I'm mourning the friendships I once had. ALL of my friendships with other friends who have children, have understandably changed. The dynamic is undeniably different. I don't blame anybody, that's just the way it has to be.

Am I alone in feeling lonely/left behind? Do all of you deal with it better, or have you gone out and actively met other like-minded people (ie. No Kidding group)? I'm thinking of joining the local chapter in our area. I just miss the care-free days of getting together with friends. These days, children are almost always involved (which, again, I don't mind sometimes....but it's now at least 95% of the time). I feel like I'm in mourning, but I feel guilty admitting that...

I probably sound terribly selfish and I'm sorry for that. Do any of you feel similarly?

Hi CJK!

I am on the flipside of the situation. Before our children we had several couples that were like us...without kids. They have decided not to have kids and, obviously, we have 2.

I felt the same way you did, but on the other side. I knew that once we had kids our friendships would be over. They cared about going to the opera and concerts, while we have a family game night. We just grew apart and now have different interests.

I miss my friends terribly, but when we got together with the kids, they were "annoyed" with them, so we knew that we had to find friends with similar situations.

It's sad when friends have different situations and grow apart. I think what you're feeling is perfectly natural and totally NOT selfish.

I'm sorry this isn't advice, but I don't think you're wrong in your feelings at all.

 

[KirklandTutu]

Everytime I hear about another friend getting pregnant, I tend to get the cry on. It's not because I want kids, but it's one more friend that I've lost. I know that we're not truly cut off as friends anymore, but instead of couples night at 10pm at a favorite downtown resteraunt--it turns into a months in advance planning for events that I really don't care about (i.e. birthday parties, recitals). I try to be supportive, I do, but everytime I just want to scream out about loosing another friend.

I try to keep things as adult and normal with these friends as I possibly can, but the phone calls, emails, and visits get further and farther inbetween. I don't think it's my fault or their fault, but we just don't have much in common anymore.

I try to go out and meet new people, but that's always been hard for me. So, every year there's one less friend who I hang out with. We know a few other couples like ourselves, but they're older and other than not having kids, we don't have much in common.

So, any advice? No, I have absolutly none. Let me know if you find a good resolution though! I can just commiserate.

 

[Fritochips4u]

So, does reading the DisBoards reinforce anyone else's decision on not to have children? Because I tell ya, some of the stories and issues re. taking your children to Disney just make me more and more thankful about our decision to stay child-free.

I have to say that reading THIS board has reinforced what a wonderful decision we made to HAVE kids. Glad dh & I are not consumed with our furry mutt or feline. what a life, to live for your dog or cat. that's why us "families" come on this board....


Chrissy
5 kids

 

[HockeyKat]

CJK, I am mostly a lurker on this thread too, but I just wanted you to know that I am going through the exact same situation that you are. My last remaining married friend is due in September. I do have some single friends that I hang out with when DH is working, but DH and I pretty much hang out on our own in our off time. We are in our 30s (me 31, him 36) and we know we don't want kids.

I don't really have any advice... but you are certainly not alone!

 

[KirklandTutu]

I have to say that reading THIS board has reinforced what a wonderful decision we made to HAVE kids. Glad dh & I are not consumed with our furry mutt or feline. what a life, to live for your dog or cat. that's why us "families" come on this board....


Chrissy
5 kids

Forgive me while I venture into the rhealm of sarcasim...

Thank you so much for coming to the one thread that us marrieds who choose to not have kids can feel free to speak their minds and love the decisions that they make. Thank you for coming to one of those few safe places for us and then judge. Thank you, you just made my day.

 

[Fritochips4u]

Forgive me while I venture into the rhealm of sarcasim...

Thank you so much for coming to the one thread that us marrieds who choose to not have kids can feel free to speak their minds and love the decisions that they make. Thank you for coming to one of those few safe places for us and then judge. Thank you, you just made my day.

Ummm...someone earlier posted that they come to the families board to see "what they complain about"....but THAT comment is okay?

 

[KirklandTutu]

Ummm...someone earlier posted that they come to the families board to see "what they complain about"....but THAT comment is okay?

Going to the family board to see is much like you reading what we have to say. That is fine.

However, as many times as I'd like to offer the response of 'if you didn't have kids' or 'if you didn't have as many kids', I don't. It's their choice, obviously it's your choice too.

Read all you want, but please don't add one more voice to my life that says it's worthless because I've chosen not to have children. My mother, aunts, cousins, parents of students, random people I meet...they do that enough as it is.

One of the reasons the DisBoards attracted me was that, yay! Disney! but also this particular thread. I thought 'oh my god, Disney people who don't have kids, I'm not the only one.' I not naive enough to think that people don't read comments on boards that aren't directed toward them, however I thought there would be a bit of courtesy from people with kids to just let enough alone.

 

[momomonster]

Someone here said they READ your thread. They didn't post there as you are doing.

Huge difference. Now shoo.

 

[bulah1]

I have to say that reading THIS board has reinforced what a wonderful decision we made to HAVE kids. Glad dh & I are not consumed with our furry mutt or feline. what a life, to live for your dog or cat. that's why us "families" come on this board....


Chrissy
5 kids

WOW... why do you have to sound so condescending? Yikes. You make it sound that because someone might love their cat or dog like a child - like that's a bad thing. I feel sorry for people like you that can't appreciate fur people as much as regular people... that is unfortunate. I don't dress my pets in little "baby" outfits or talk to them like a baby (ok, maybe I do that on occasion), but seriously - that does not make the loss of a loved PET any less than when someone loses a CHILD in my opinion, because I've been there. So please don't come off so discriminating... we are here to share ideas and soforth, not judge.

Sorry - I just felt like I had to add this because I saw how you posted a "sig"...

*ERICA
2 fur babies - 1 deaceased - 1 alive
1 miscarriage and 5 egg donations to help people have children that couldn't otherwise... *

 

[Hixski]

Ummm...someone earlier posted that they come to the families board to see "what they complain about"....but THAT comment is okay?

That was me that said that. I have never once posted on the families board. I just look to see what people with kids complain about. Nothing rude about that. The people with children have alot more issues they have to deal with. Again I am just reading. Just for the record some of the people on here chose not to have children after the choice was made for them. Some could not have them and decided they could live a child free life. Thank you for lumping all child-free people into the narrow view you have of them. Now you know why we have this thread.

I also find it funny that you have 5 children and your first posts are on this thread. Care to explain that one.

 

[ChisJo]

I have to say that reading THIS board has reinforced what a wonderful decision we made to HAVE kids. Glad dh & I are not consumed with our furry mutt or feline. what a life, to live for your dog or cat. that's why us "families" come on this board....

you don't know me and you don't know my situation....you have no idea what my life entails or the sacrifices I make in my life to help others. Just because I don't have a child doesn't mean that my life is pointless...how dare you assume that just because I have a 4 legged child that I haven't made "wonderful decisions" in my life....Please leave this thread....you have insulted us - return to your narrow minded life.

 

[kennancat]

I have to say that reading THIS board has reinforced what a wonderful decision we made to HAVE kids. Glad dh & I are not consumed with our furry mutt or feline. what a life, to live for your dog or cat. that's why us "families" come on this board....


Chrissy
5 kids

<sarcasm>Yeah, you're so right. Did you read that whole story that bulah1 posted about everything she went through to help infertile couples that she's never even met? What a sad, self-centered life.</sarcasm>

Thanks for visiting our thread - I have reported you to the mods.

 

[KirklandTutu]

Just wanted to say a thank you to everyone who's commented the last several posts. I'm so happy to find a friendly thread of people who 'get it'. My whole afternoon was miserable and I was near tears from giving too much thought to what one random person that I've never met had to say in re. to the choice not to have children. I come back online and I am reminded that I am not the only one out there. It made me smile. Thank you all so much for simply exisiting.

 

[Hixski]

Just wanted to say a thank you to everyone who's commented the last several posts. I'm so happy to find a friendly thread of people who 'get it'. My whole afternoon was miserable and I was near tears from giving too much thought to what one random person that I've never met had to say in re. to the choice not to have children. I come back online and I am reminded that I am not the only one out there. It made me smile. Thank you all so much for simply exisiting.

I guess as I have gotten older my skin has gotten much thicker. Never let some random person get to you like that. People like that have their own issues when they need to insult other people. I have a friend that has 6 kids and she would be the first one to tell someone off like that. I joke with her that I can't imagine having 6 childen and she jokes with me that she would sometimes like to imagine not having 6 children. She GETS that not everyone has children. Too bad not everyone can be like that.

 

[CJK]

I would also like to thank everyone on this thread for their kind and thoughtful comments. It helps tremendously knowing that I'm not alone. I just wish EVERYONE could respect other people's choices. What's right for one person, is not necessarily right for someone else.

 

[aclov]

What's interesting is that poster has a small number of posts which leads me to believe that they created a new account. It's unfortunate someone would go through the trouble of doing that just to say something so negative and narrow-minded.

And not everyone on this thread "chooses" not to have children, like myself. Sometimes it's just the way it has worked out for some people. And if they have made that choice, so what?? It's like choosing not to get married, not everyone wants a spouse. But I guess that's a whole new thread!