Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[Muushka]

The funny thing is, my DH was firmly convinced I would change my mind someday! I got married at 28 and was very solid in my decision, but it took him quite a few years of marriage before he finally believed me. He thought that hearing my biological clock would change my mind somewhere in my 30s.

What's a biological clock???

You must be very young looking if they are still asking that dreaded question! They stopped with me around age 40.
Thank goodness!

Barb, we also love your DCL website.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Thank god those questions stopped. Got very tiring. And I still wonder why I thought I had to answer There are some real pluses being in your 40's!

 

[Hixski]

Thank god those questions stopped. Got very tiring. And I still wonder why I thought I had to answer There are some real pluses being in your 40's!

Now some folks just want to tell you how sad it is that you don't have children!! I don't get that much but I have told more than one someone I don't have children and in my mid to (late) forties they want to tell you how sad that is. Nobody asks you if you want kids they just assume you want them and don't have them. I want to scream at them that "Yes, I thought I wanted them when I was 30 but it didn't happen. Now I am 47 and pray it doesn't happen". What is so hard about that concept.

 

[KirklandTutu]

So, does reading the DisBoards reinforce anyone else's decision on not to have children? Because I tell ya, some of the stories and issues re. taking your children to Disney just make me more and more thankful about our decision to stay child-free.

 

[Muushka]

So, does reading the DisBoards reinforce anyone else's decision on not to have children? Because I tell ya, some of the stories and issues re. taking your children to Disney just make me more and more thankful about our decision to stay child-free.

Yeah, Baby!!! ​

 

[momomonster]

Hi MoMo! Love the explanation of your username in the title of your post!

Thanks, kennancat! I apologize for butting-in like I did and answering the poster's question for you. I forget my manners sometimes.

MoMo the Monster was one of my favorite rides at Six Flags as a child and it's one of our kitty's names now.

So, does reading the DisBoards reinforce anyone else's decision on not to have children? Because I tell ya, some of the stories and issues re. taking your children to Disney just make me more and more thankful about our decision to stay child-free.

I get a heavy dose of reinforcement for my decision almost every time I leave the house. Saturday afternoon Target shopping does it, bigtime, with all the kids screeching and whining along every isle.

To me, this board is a mixed bag (like everything else) because there are lots of examples of happy kids in the land of dreams. I guess I avoid the nightmare threads. Are there any good ones I'm missing!?!

And finally, do we still get asked "when" we're having children? Yes, almost monthly, even though we're in our mid-30s. Mostly because we look a lot younger and also because we live in the suburbs. I don't mind the question too much. What bugs me more is when I tell people I don't want them and they respond with horrified silence. I am thrilled with my decision and wish others could be happy for me, but I realize that is asking too much.

 

[kennancat]

Thanks, kennancat! I apologize for butting-in like I did and answering the poster's question for you. I forget my manners sometimes.

No problem at all, I appreciated it.

 

[aclov]

I sooo much hate when people ask those questions about having children, I wish they would just mind their own darn business! Even people that don't know you well seem to have it in their right to ask. Very frustrating.

If I respond that I haven't been blessed with children or nothing has happened, I get "You can always adopt!" Or "Have you seen a doctor?" If I respond that I have dogs that are like my children, I get "But it's not the same!" If I respond that I don't want children (which I have done, thinking people will leave me alone), I get "But why? Don't you like kids?" or "That's so mean"

It's like whatever you say if not the right answer

 

[tophee99]

I must admit that I am one of those people who do ask about children. However, when my friends have stated that they are choosing not to have children (usually followed by "we are happy as we are"), I do acknowledge that and tell them I am so happy for them. All I want for all of my friends is for them to be happy with their lives. So, if they choose to have or not to have: children, pets, motorcycles, etc. I support their decision as it is what they want. And accordingly, they support my choices.

Enough is enough. Be happy for your friends for knowing what they want in their life and what makes them happy!!!

 

[KirklandTutu]

To me, this board is a mixed bag (like everything else) because there are lots of examples of happy kids in the land of dreams. I guess I avoid the nightmare threads. Are there any good ones I'm missing!?!

.

There was one about kids being picky eaters, another about teachers and school supplies. The latter of which had me seeing red as I am a teacher. But just the general thank-god-i-don't-have-to-deal-with-any-of-these-choices is my resounding thoughts on reading most of the threads.

The worst comment I've ever personally received was from a mother of seven stating to me (after I told her that we were never planning on having children) that she 'couldn't believe people who choose to not have kids. There must be something wrong with them in the head for them to make that choice.' Wow, thank you, really. So I'm wrong in the head, still want me to teach your kids, lady? I just wish I had the guts to tell her that it was about populaton control.

 

[momomonster]

re: picky eaters

What absolutely shocks me on these boards are the *adults* who still eat only chicken fingers, fries, mac & cheese, and the like. I was a picky eater as a kid, but it was something I grew out of and I feel pity for the adults who will live their entire lives without experiencing the plethora of amazing flavors out there.

That said, I agree it's a relief knowing I won't have to coax another human being into eating decent food. And I'm also thrilled to no end that I don't have to deal with back-to-school shopping.

re: nasty comments

KirklandTuTu, I have been told almost exactly the same thing by a neighbor and I also held my tongue because I have to live next to the guy. When I told him we didn't want children he looked straight at me and said, "You have issues." I responded that "Everyone has issues" and changed the subject.

I think more and more people are coming around to tophee99's way of thinking, but it's slow-going and there are FAR too many people out there willing to demonize us for making different choices than they made. They should be thanking us for not filling up the schools and roads with more and more kids, but instead we're called "selfish" and "bitter".

Oh, well, at least *we* know we're not those things!

 

[bulah1]

First of all, I have to say I was almost surprised to see this topic on the Disney boards, but - hey - I'm glad there are more of "me" out there to talk to about this. LOL!

I really don't care one way or another if I don't have kids. My plans don't include one, that's for sure. My job (which is my passion and takes up my life) won't really permit for one until I'm very secure and can demand more from it to cater to me... which won't be probably until I'm to old to have kids! LOL. There would be complaints from many that your job shouldn't come first, but I'm sorry - when it's something you actually love more than anything in the world... you do it without complaint! And I don't think it's fair to have a child grow up solely in day care. It would be better to just have the child adopted to another family at that point. But that is what my job would demand. I barely have time for myself and let alone my fiancee, but we have a system and it works. He doesn't want kids either. In fact, they do bother him quite a bit. Me, they do bother me, but not to the point that if I did get pregnant, I don't know how easy it would be for me to give it up. And I don't believe in abortion for myself necessarily (though I would never say it's not the right option for another woman - pro-choice).

With my mother's history of miscarriages, I also have the slight worry in the back of my mind that would be an occurance if I were to become pregnant. She had three in a row. (Then stopped trying for a baby, and I came! LOL)

But, that is not to say I don't believe some people truley don't deserve children if that's what they want. Everyone has the right to choose, and we should all respect their decisions!!! Whatever our own opinion may be... who is to say what is right and wrong. And what is to say children are the only way to fulfil one's life?? That's the reason I hate most that I get - when people say your life will be empty without children... well no! I give my own life meaning through my actions and how I treat others and my own accomplishments... I stand on my own without needing children to fill whatever "void" these others may be experiencing. I am not empty and am completely satisfied with what I'm accomplishing - more so every day because I am driven.

There are many people on this planet who SHOULD NOT be parents - those that abuse, neglect, can't provide for... etc. Yet somehow they manage to have multiple children to pass these problems off to. I don't want to pass my $%#@ off to kids that don't deserve it, sorry! Then on the flip side, there are many people who desperately want to have kids and actually DESERVE to have them and will make wonderful parents and hopefully bring some great new people to our world - but CAN'T! It seems tragic and unfair.

That changed my view though - and I decided to give what they can't have, but I am able to provide. I was very fortunate to be blessed with apparently wonderful and abundant fertility! LOL. And since I have no plans for it, I figure I will share it with those who are unable to have children. I decided to donate my eggs to couples who chose me through a fertility clinic in my area. I feel very privelaged to have been a part of it. These people CHOSE me to help them bring a life into a world that they could not otherwise have acheived. I am honored to help them, since they DO deserve it. I have been lucky enough to do this five times over and have helped each of them through successful pregnancies. Though I do not get to be a part of the process past the point of actually "supplying" my eggs, I did get to find out that the births took place. And one baby I actually went back a second time to donate so they could have a genetic sibling. I feel so proud to be a part of this, sharing something that is so valuable to others - that I won't ever use for myself.

Just a thought for some of you out there in case you might feel the same.

Kudos to those of you who don't want children though. I don't believe it is selfish if you actually have the best interest in mind of the "would-be" child. And to those of you who don't agree with not having children - I am sorry, I just can't see it from your side - because everyone is entitled to their opinion and you should be able to set differences aside and stop pressing your own views on others. Can't we all just get along? LOL

 

[maddhatir]

Oooohhhh... well thought out, very devious and quite clever. I like it!!!

I've been sending evenings with DH looking at the details of every all inclusive in Mexico and the Caribbean. Tough work, but someone's got to do it! At this point, looks like we are leaning towards the RIU Palace in Playa del Carmen, Mexico. Looks so pretty. Thanks so much for the recommendations. They certainly kept us busy!

Lis- Just a little FYI- the beach is a bit of a hike. When you do go- try and get chairs (facing the ocean) to the right. The jet ski fuel odor is less noticible down there. Oh- and DH wants me to tell you- there was no bar service on the beach! They have a minibar close to the beach- but no one comes around and takes your drink orders

Our room was stocked with top shelf booze though! All hanging upsidedown right on the wall- waiting to be poured! And as I said- champagne- ask and you shall receive! We sat in the "courtyard" at night and the waiters were right there ready to get a drink for you!

And one more thing! Have you ever see the capybaras in Mexico?? If not, check them out. They are all over the Palace grounds- DH and I had a room on the ground floor with a patio facing the fountain and we were eating breakfast one morning and one comes up to the patio railing. I was freaking out b/c I seen them walking around, bet never this close! eeek! I put my feet up on the lounge chair and waited it out- he just stood there staring at me like- "Yo lady- gonna share some of that breakfast with me?" He wandered off- I do not think they will hurt you or else they would warn you about it.

But then again you are in Mexico-

oooo- and another thing I loved was the chocolate fountain during dinner!- Sure, anyone can put a strawberry under the chocolate fountain, me? I grabbed a macaroon and smoothered it in chocolate!

There is also a little shopping area down the street- come out of the hotel and go to your right- DH and I went left and missed it!

There is supposed to be another nice shopping area closeby- I THINK it is called 5th Avenue- I am pretty sure you have to take a taxi.

I think I am done! So- when are you going??

 

[maddhatir]

My DH and I celebrated our 24th anniversary today. The kids were very happy. One coughed up a fur ball, 2 got in a cat fight, and the other one dragged his rump on the rug. We are very happy 'parents'

Happy "belated" Anniversary!

 

[kennancat]

And since I have no plans for it, I figure I will share it with those who are unable to have children. I decided to donate my eggs to couples who chose me through a fertility clinic in my area. I feel very privelaged to have been a part of it. These people CHOSE me to help them bring a life into a world that they could not otherwise have acheived. I am honored to help them, since they DO deserve it. I have been lucky enough to do this five times over and have helped each of them through successful pregnancies. Though I do not get to be a part of the process past the point of actually "supplying" my eggs, I did get to find out that the births took place. And one baby I actually went back a second time to donate so they could have a genetic sibling. I feel so proud to be a part of this, sharing something that is so valuable to others - that I won't ever use for myself.

Good for you! I have two friends who have gone through IVF so I'm assuming that you had to go through something similar to donate eggs - it was not an easy or painless process, so I'm impressed that you were willing to do that for others.

 

[ChisJo]

oooo- and another thing I loved was the chocolate fountain during dinner!- Sure, anyone can put a strawberry under the chocolate fountain, me? I grabbed a macaroon and smoothered it in chocolate!

Now, you are talking my kind of language!!!

 

[bulah1]

Good for you! I have two friends who have gone through IVF so I'm assuming that you had to go through something similar to donate eggs - it was not an easy or painless process, so I'm impressed that you were willing to do that for others.

Yes, that's exactly right! I did go through about a month of "process" in order to do this each time. They get me on a cycle to match the recipient so we're totally alligned for when they implant it. Then there's about two weeks (sometimes more) of the daily hormone injections, daily blood draws and daily ultrasounds. Sometimes several injections in one day, depending on how far my eggs were "progressed" it would deem how much more of the drugs I'd need to take. I've gotten very good at giving my shots, LOL. Then two nights before they retrieve the eggs at the clinic, they give you one last injection to take - usually mine were in the wee hours of the morning (between midnight and three am is what I experienced) that will release the eggs into the uterus for them to get at. Mind you by this point you are already pretty uncomfortable in many cases because your eggs get so "boosted" by hormones and there are multiples (not just one egg) you can get pretty bloated to the point you are sore and boy can the drugs make you moody! LOL. Blame the drugs right? LOL. It is the closest I'll ever get to being pregnant, which is not saying much - it's nowhere near what happens in pregnancy - but it's weird that for some reason you can almost "feel" life attached to you at that point... I dunno... maybe my mind playing tricks, but I did somehow feel "motherly". Then the morning of the last injection I went in for one last "checkup" blood draw to make sure everything was good to go. The day after that would be the actual "procedure". Now the clinic I went to (and I'm sure most are this way) do everything to make you comfortable because the actual process is not necessarily fun... But the nurses were stellar, I can't say enough about them. You are not allowed to eat or drink for several hours before hand (like with any surgery or procedure where you will be administered any type of sedation). This is not always fun when they push your procedure until AFTER lunch time... They situate you in a hospital gown, make you pee about 30 times to make sure , take blood pressure and pulse every so many minutes, and start the saline IV. When the procedure room opens up and they take you inside, it's set at 98 degrees... I kid you not. They have to have it that way in order to preserve the eggs once they leave the body. So you get nasty hot, and so do all the people who are there working on/with you! They had about half a dozen people crammed into the small-ish room with space heaters running full blast. They hop you up on to the table of doom... slide you down to the end of it... and I'm sure some of you ladies will understand, it was unlike any "gynie" exam in that my thighs were cranked so far up they touched my belly. I hate to post that kind of visual... but I was so humiliated... I guess I got over it, but it really sucks when the doctors are asking you questions and your hoo-ha is literally sticking out closer to them than any other part of you... and you feel like hoo-ha is the only one doing the talking at that point and that's the only thing in the world at that point! So humiliating... about 5 minutes before they begin they recheck vitals are start the twilight sedation. Nope, nothing else is administered... and yes you can feel what they do. At least I did in every case. I did not fall asleep any time, and was just as awake as I am during the day at work. (which I guess isn't the best example ! LOL) I guess some women do dose off slightly but I never did. Completely aware. So Dr. goes in with a speculum and an ultrasound stick that's got a special "needle assisting" attachment that will allow the needle to penetrate the uterus wall to collect the eggs. They have to retrieve a minimum number of eggs when they go in, and sometimes eggs have a mind of their own, so they roam about freely. This is not fun, because not only do you feel the needle inserting (I'm sure would be worse without the sedation, but still...) if the eggs are roaming, they have to push on your already swollen and uncomfortable abdomen into the vacinity of the ultrasound and needle. I have had women almost putting their entire body force against my belly with fists cupped over one another into the gut... OH MY GOOOOOD. The very last one I did (as positive as what I'm doing can be - I decided it was my last after how very much it hurt) they couldn't find hardly ANY eggs so the pressure they had to put literally had me in tears. And not only that force EXTERNALLY but you've got doctor going mad INTERNALLY with the needle and ultrasound swaying to and fro. Not enough to make me pass out or anything, but seriously - I don't cry from pain and I was tearing up.

Once they've collected what they need it goes right to the lab, and honestly after that point I don't really know what happens to my eggs. I am not sure if they are fertilized immediately or not, but the embryo will be implanted into the woman shortly after. As for me, they cart me back out to a recovery area where they have me rest for about an hour or more and slowly get me to sit up after a while and stomach some saltine crackers and water. Off they send me home with some antibiotics to take for a week and that is that.

Or so they think... the bleeding can be pretty intense after that procedure for a couple days. I've only had "normal" results with that, but some women can be really hurt and have serious bleeding. And the pain... well, it is not fun. Probably as close to having birth as I'll ever get, and I'm sure nowhere close - but still not fun. I walked hunched over each time for a minimum of 48 hours because your body just won't allow you to be upright for some reason. You pretty much just "slug" out on a couch and don't move for the remainder of the day and dose in and out of sleepyness. Finally get to eat something which is always happy times! LOL.

I'm just telling it like I experienced it. I'm sure there are some that have had much worse, and some much better. I just wanted to be completely honest so if anyone ever thinks about doing it. As far as why I did it again... well, I just think I've got something that is GOLD to someone out there and if they deserve it, who am I to not help someone when I have every means to. Especially when I don't plan to use it for myself. SHARE! It really did mean a lot to me to do it, but I think 5 was my limit especially after my last go.

It is still odd to think I have 5 little "me's" out there. It is totally confidential to me, I have no clue who the parents are or even where they're from. They could be across the world for all I know, though I doubt it. It's up to them if I'll ever meet the kids. I am ok if I never do, in fact they put you through psychological tests before all this to make sure you are actually mentally fit to handle the situation. But I do in the back of my mind still hold that curiousity to see how it all turns out. Something I helped to provide.

It is all worth it though - when you get a note from the recipient couple that proufoundly expresses their gratitude to you for giving them something they could not accomplish solely on their own. It makes it worth while to me. Without a doubt!!

 

[aclov]

Bulah 1 - All I can say is "Wow"! I've had two IVF's so you are right on the money with how it feels, but for you to actually do it for someone else. I have to give you lots of credit. It's not a fun process when your doing it for yourself. I think it does take a very strong person to do this because it would kill me to want to see the child. My boss has a daughter from a surrogate and I wonder if she thinks about her daughter. I guess you have to think of the positive choice, I just know I wouldn't be able to do it.

 

[diannamaria]

I just saw this quote on the internet and it seemed apropos for this thread. Sorry if it's been posted already...

"You're dead if you aim only for kids. Adults are only kids grown up, anyway." - Walt Disney

There you have it! From the man himself. That's why we big kids love to go to WDW, no matter what our kid status.

 

[aclov]

It kills me when people say that Disney is only for kids. Or ask why an adult would want to go to Disney w/out kids.

Imagine if Walt felt that way, we wouldn't have Disney!