Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[Forevryoung]

Currently, I'm only 22, if I stay with my boyfriend, we will not be having any children together. He is 19 years older than I am and has a son who is 18, from marriage #1 (I would be wife #3). He does not like children and is glad that his responsibility for his son is nearly over. (either that or he can't wait to sever contact with ex #1 )

If I wanted children (which I didn't even before I met my BF), I would have to break up with my boyfriend. People (especially family) think that we shouldn't be together to begin with and bring up the child issue frequently.

I am also selfish yet my future job will be working with children/adults with severe special needs. Additionally, I have bipolar disorder which has never been completely controlled. I would need someone to help me take care of a child when I can't.

People are rude when dealing with childfree couples and couples who are untraditional (like mine)- anything out of the norm seems to require a few stares and comments.

 

[Egg Power Plant]

I commend all of you on staying with your choice and not comforming to the standards of society. Some people do not want children and that is absolutely fine. You can have a very happy life without them.

 

[JCandKT]

Hi all,
I'm new to the boards - hello hello - and this one of the first threads I've read. My husband and I celebrated our fifth anniversary (8 total together) this year and we will be going to WDW on New Years Eve for a week. This will be our fourth time together. People look at us so strangely when we tell them we're going ... "but... but you don't have kids!"

Then inevitably we get the "when are you going to have kids" question.

We just don't know if we want kids, honestly. Maybe that'll change, but right now, we're just not ready for them. We both work plus-full time and we are both enrolled in university. We don't have enough time to give proper love to our hamsters...so how could we love a child the way it needs?

Of course, there are days where I think I'd be a good mom, but I'm just scared to death, and people think it's so strange that we haven't jumped on the kid bandwagon just yet... I mean, I'm only 27 (we got married young), so what's the rush??

ANYWAYS - we're really looking foreward to our trip on NYE. We definitely need the vacation... and where is a better place to relax??!

 

[maddhatir]

Hi all,
I'm new to the boards - hello hello - and this one of the first threads I've read. My husband and I celebrated our fifth anniversary (8 total together) this year and we will be going to WDW on New Years Eve for a week. This will be our fourth time together. People look at us so strangely when we tell them we're going ... "but... but you don't have kids!"

Then inevitably we get the "when are you going to have kids" question.

We just don't know if we want kids, honestly. Maybe that'll change, but right now, we're just not ready for them. We both work plus-full time and we are both enrolled in university. We don't have enough time to give proper love to our hamsters...so how could we love a child the way it needs?

Of course, there are days where I think I'd be a good mom, but I'm just scared to death, and people think it's so strange that we haven't jumped on the kid bandwagon just yet... I mean, I'm only 27 (we got married young), so what's the rush??

ANYWAYS - we're really looking foreward to our trip on NYE. We definitely need the vacation... and where is a better place to relax??!

Welcome!!!!!!

This is just advice from me.........

There is NO need to go to the "dark side"! All of us DINKS on this side have much more fun!!!!

Its funner in DISNEY w/o kids intow anyway!

just keep saying "I'm free! I'm free!- for the love of god I AM.....FREE!"

 

[plgrn]

Welcome aboard! Been married 4 years and am a university student so we're kinda in the same boat. If the "urge" to have kids ever comes, I guess I would go with it, but it hasn't so far so maybe it will stay away! Glad to have you!

 

[Mischa]

Hi all,
I'm new to the boards - hello hello - and this one of the first threads I've read. My husband and I celebrated our fifth anniversary (8 total together) this year and we will be going to WDW on New Years Eve for a week. This will be our fourth time together. People look at us so strangely when we tell them we're going ... "but... but you don't have kids!"

Then inevitably we get the "when are you going to have kids" question.

We just don't know if we want kids, honestly. Maybe that'll change, but right now, we're just not ready for them. We both work plus-full time and we are both enrolled in university. We don't have enough time to give proper love to our hamsters...so how could we love a child the way it needs?

Of course, there are days where I think I'd be a good mom, but I'm just scared to death, and people think it's so strange that we haven't jumped on the kid bandwagon just yet... I mean, I'm only 27 (we got married young), so what's the rush??

ANYWAYS - we're really looking foreward to our trip on NYE. We definitely need the vacation... and where is a better place to relax??!

Welcome and congrats on your 5th anniversary. My dh & I celebrated our 15th this year and we went to WDW. It was dh's first trip and boy is he hooked now! (Lucky me!) We're also child-free (not by choice, but after 12+ years of trying we've finally given up and have decided to embrace the "child-free/childless" life. We just put my dad in an assisted living place (he'd been living with us for a very loooooooooong 2 1/2 years), so now we feel like "newlyweds" again!

We're planning our next trip for next week. We can't wait!

Again - welcome!

 

[taterbaby]

Don't worry honey -you have plenty of time-whether you do or whether you don't -it is such a personal decision!!! I was 31 when my first child was born and 33 when my second was born. My husband and I thought our little family was complete-when lo and behold at 35 found myself having the third!!!! (heheh-even after having surgery to prevent it). I think that I am a better parent for waiting until I was older-but that is just me. Don't let anyone upset you-I got things like "don't you know what causes that" and "is this the last one"! Go ahead-have fun-enjoy your husband and your life together. I love my children greatly and cannot imagine my life without them but am very proud that I waited until I had time with my husband.

 

[kennancat]

Don't let anyone upset you-I got things like "don't you know what causes that" and "is this the last one"!

This is what I find so funny - have no kids, one kids, two kids, three kids, etc. and someone somewhere will find a way to criticize it!

 

[Hixski]

I have heard that some people think if you don't have kids that is Gods way of telling you that you would not have made a good parent. Someone told me they overheard this conversation. Some people really should not let what they think come out of their mouths. At least no one has said this to me personally.

 

[aclov]

DH and I have no children, we have been trying for years. We constantly get interrogated all the time as to why we don't have children. I think people are ignorant and insensitive, like it's so easy. And if it is a decision by choice than why would we have to provide a explanation to anyone I have a friend who I cringe talking to sometimes because she's a SAHM of 3 lovely children and a perfect life according to her and I'm happy for her but I feel like she pounces on me whenever she can by constantly bringing up the subject. Just today, she questioned me if I was doing anything about conceiving. It's strange that sometimes I can tell a complete stranger about my infertility problems but I don't feel comfortable telling a friend of 18 years. I think it's just the way she makes me feel, I don't think I'm being defensive and I do try to explain some of my feelings to her but I just feel like she's being intrusive instead of caring. I just don't understand why other people seem to feel like they have to dwell on something that doesn't concern them. I've worked with people or know people with no children and I have never asked them personal questions like that. I once had a coworker yell across the hall to me "why don't you have any kids, you can't have any?" I felt like I wanted the ground to swallow me. Or when we were at a friend's wedding eating dinner and a guy we don't know that well, told my DH that "he was shooting blanks". I had another coworker tell me she feels sorry for people with no children. Why? I mean what is wrong with people???

 

[Hixski]

DH and I have no children, we have been trying for years. We constantly get interrogated all the time as to why we don't have children. I think people are ignorant and insensitive, like it's so easy. And if it is a decision by choice than why would we have to provide a explanation to anyone I have a friend who I cringe talking to sometimes because she's a SAHM of 3 lovely children and a perfect life according to her and I'm happy for her but I feel like she pounces on me whenever she can by constantly bringing up the subject. Just today, she questioned me if I was doing anything about conceiving. It's strange that sometimes I can tell a complete stranger about my infertility problems but I don't feel comfortable telling a friend of 18 years. I think it's just the way she makes me feel, I don't think I'm being defensive and I do try to explain some of my feelings to her but I just feel like she's being intrusive instead of caring. I just don't understand why other people seem to feel like they have to dwell on something that doesn't concern them. I've worked with people or know people with no children and I have never asked them personal questions like that. I once had a coworker yell across the hall to me "why don't you have any kids, you can't have any?" I felt like I wanted the ground to swallow me. Or when we were at a friend's wedding eating dinner and a guy we don't know that well, told my DH that "he was shooting blanks". I had another coworker tell me she feels sorry for people with no children. Why? I mean what is wrong with people???

I went through all that. We tried and it didn't work. We tried for several years. We just decided it was not working and that is it. We were not going to do the everything you can route to have a child. I had a friend that was like yours and frankly I got to the point where I just wanted to tell her "Shut the hell up". I don't know how old you are but I am 47. Thankfully most folks don't say anything now. DH and I don't know why we didn't have kids. That is why we are ok now. We can't point the finger and say it was your fault. It just didn't happen. Oh, well we will now get on with our childfree life. And we have been for the last 10 years. I guess I have on a bulletproof child vest now. Say what you want it does not bother my anymore.

 

[HappyLawyer]

I am 32 years old. I have been married since I was 25 (celebrating our 7th anniversary at WDW).

DH and I choose not to have children. I have never wanted to have children. Early in our marriage, people asked questions about kids, and we always said, "We aren't having any. We are happy as we are."

I guess they thought we were bluffing, because the questions have been coming hard and fast.

My usual responses, depending on the questioning:
"No, we are not having children"
"No, we are not planning on having children."
"We don't want to have children - our dogs are enough."
"We don't want children - we are very happy with our life as it is."
"We choose not to have chidren."
"We choose to be child-free."
"We choose not to be parents."
"We want to be good aunts and uncles, and that will satisfy us"

People keep on asking, and they don't find my answers acceptable. They don't feel that my choice is VALID?

It makes me angry, but it also makes me sad. I think a lot of people are having children because it is expected of them, and not what they really want.

Any one want to give their input - I would appreciate it!

I love my dtr with every ounce of my being, i would give my life for her, heck in two years she may get a sibling, with that being said, if i had life to do all over again, i would do things differently.

My mom says if she did it over she would not have children, it does not mean she does not love us, but it can be difficult being a parent.
You made the best choice for you, and basically to hell with what others think.

 

[kennancat]

I have heard that some people think if you don't have kids that is Gods way of telling you that you would not have made a good parent. Someone told me they overheard this conversation. Some people really should not let what they think come out of their mouths. At least no one has said this to me personally.

I remember reading someone's story like this - she was unexpectedly pregnant and placing the child up for adoption and a "friend" of hers told her that she would go to hell if she did because God prevents people from having children because they would be bad parents or abuse the kid or something like that. I think it was on etiquette hell. Needless to say, she no longer speaks to that person. I could believe that God has other plans for people who try to have children and can't, but I don't buy the "they would make bad parents" theory. After all, if that were true wouldn't Hitler's parents have been infertile?

ETA: Found it. Luckily, the site now has a search feature.

I got pregnant at a time in my life when having a child would be less than ideal, and decided to give the child up for adoption. My boyfriend and I had decided to keep the pregnancy as much of a secret as possible, since neither one of us wanted to deal with the backlash of his family for "abandoning" the child, regardless of the fact that we were barely able to make ends meet for just the two of us, and neither one of us is really ready to be a parent.

I told a few very close friends what we were going through, since I was very emotionally fragile and wanted a few shoulders to lean on. I explain to one friend, "Bob", about how we were having an Open Adoption, and my boyfriend and I had picked a couple that had been trying to have a child for years, and had been on the waiting list for adoption for almost three years. They were of the same faith as my boyfriend, something he felt was very important.

Bob's response: "Oh, some people just don't deserve to have children. That's why God doesn't let them have kids, you know. If you give your kid to them, you'll go to hell, and the kid will grow up abused."

I don't talk to Bob anymore.

 

[3DisneyKids]

OMG, that is the most foul thing I have ever heard! To assume that people can't have children as a punishment from God?!?! That is truly awful.

Just browsing through this thread b/c this is something we discuss often. We love our 3 children, and we wanted them and I love being a mom. I was born to do this. However, we often see people who are having kids because "that's what you're supposed to do." It makes my blood boil.

To those on this thread who have had the courage to say "it's not for me," I applaud you! I wish that being married and without children was more of an acceptable choice...one that should never be questioned!

 

[rayne75]

People really need to mind their business when it comes to that. I'm a single mom and I adore my princess but speaking from experience the questions don't stop even if you have one!! I mean your not even out of the hospital and they're asking you "When are you having the next one?" Next time they ask just smile and say "What? They're right here with me. Can't you see 'em?"

 

[bdtracey]

DW and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and don't have any kids. I know her parents would love for us to have kids but I'm just not 100% sure if I want kids. Sometimes I do....sometimes I don't. Is this normal or am I supposed to wait for some unknown desire to kick in?

I know that DW wants kids but I'm just really happy that it's only the 2 of us right now. Sometimes people seem so unhappy that they've got kids. I think someday I want to have kids but how in the world do you know when you're going to be ready???? I was thinking that I want to have kids sooner rather than later because I don't want to be close to retirement and have kids going off to university. I think I've always planned on having kids but now I'm just so happy that it's only DW and I that I'm not really sure. Does this make sense to you guys?

 

[Hixski]

DW and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and don't have any kids. I know her parents would love for us to have kids but I'm just not 100% sure if I want kids. Sometimes I do....sometimes I don't. Is this normal or am I supposed to wait for some unknown desire to kick in?

I know that DW wants kids but I'm just really happy that it's only the 2 of us right now. Sometimes people seem so unhappy that they've got kids. I think someday I want to have kids but how in the world do you know when you're going to be ready???? I was thinking that I want to have kids sooner rather than later because I don't want to be close to retirement and have kids going off to university. I think I've always planned on having kids but now I'm just so happy that it's only DW and I that I'm not really sure. Does this make sense to you guys?

You are what we call a fencesitter. You are not alone in that. If you read through this thread you will find alot of folks are thinking the same way you are. Just be very sure of what you want before you do anything. Some fencesitting people have been very happy after having a child. Some would not give up their child for anything but now wish they would have thought more about it. Others decide that no they really do not want a child. Only you and your spouse can decide.

 

[bdtracey]

Thanks for the advice! You know what's actually kind of funny? I thought that going to WDW would make me want to have kids but after seeing some of those monsters made me think otherwise. But that is mainly the parents I think. I guess I'll just have to do some soul searching is all!

Thanks again!

 

[Hixski]

Thanks for the advice! You know what's actually kind of funny? I thought that going to WDW would make me want to have kids but after seeing some of those monsters made me think otherwise. But that is mainly the parents I think. I guess I'll just have to do some soul searching is all!

Thanks again!

I am probably your parents age so you know we give good advice. We go to WDW in September just because most of the kids are back in school and it's not crowded. There were still a few times DH and I looked at each other and thought. "Gee...it really isn't so bad not having kids" (We were fencesitters that it did not work out for so we are now happily childfree). The only other advice I can give is to make sure you and DW are on the same page at the same time.

 

[kennancat]

I think I've always planned on having kids but now I'm just so happy that it's only DW and I that I'm not really sure. Does this make sense to you guys?

Growing up, I always assumed I would have kids. Then I met DH and he didn't want kids and it was the first time I think I really realized that it was a choice. We're still not sure - I go back and forth between "maybe in 4-5 years it wouldn't be so bad" and "hell no" Make sure you discuss your feelings with your DW too; you may find that she's as undecided as you are. After all, you've only been married 2.5 years. Most people I know waited 4 to 5 years before having kids. We've been married almost 5 years and we're still debating. Our plan right now is to make sure that we're setting ourselves up financially regardless of which choice we make. I don't think anybody is ever 100% ready (at least no one who really understands what they're getting into ) but I thinks it's like any other choice you make in life - if you make it, you need to commit and go for it.